Notes For A Post

As Patrick cleared his place after dinner tonight a miscalculation caused his half empty glass of milk to travel south-by-southeast, bouncing as it went. Patrick instantly bleated, "I did that on! purpose!" as is his irritating habit whenever he makes a mistake.

I said, "It's just a spill" and I began to mop up the milk which was dripping onto a chair and the floor in equal parts.

Patrick (who must sometimes wonder if he really wants to see eight years old) then delicately extended his bare foot and proceeded to splash - once twice three times - in the growing puddle. 

I am not one who is generally prone to fits of loud temper but I have to say that there is something about being on my hands and knees under a table cleaning up spilled milk while the person who put it there starts to re-enact Gene Kelly dancing around the lamp post... well.

I responded. Vehemently. I was just doing the gritted teeth thing where I explained to Patrick exactly what I would do to him if he did not cease and desist immediately when I was distracted by Caroline. She ran over, pulled at my shirt and thrust her face belligerently into mine while she jabbered, "Yah shuh shuh yah yah!" Meanwhile, Edward materialized out of nowhere and smacked me on the top of the head with his palm. Twice.  

It was exactly like a pair of chipping sparrows swooping up to defend a hawk from, oh I don't know, what am I in this analogy? A crow? A dragon?

Steve detached Caroline from my collar. Edward was told (yet again; it doesn't seem to take) No Hitting. Patrick got another cloth and started to help me clean up. Peace reigned once more. Now that I am past both my initial and my secondary annoyance I have to say that I think it is charming that Caroline and Edward came to Patrick's defense. Misguided like a land war in Asia; totally unfair on its merits; more than likely to get them all grounded one day... but charming.

++

Confession: Three years ago I saw the Topsy-Turvy upside-down vegetable planter advertised on television and even though we inherited a big ol' garden when we bought this house I coveted it. Mightily. It was the closest I had come to calling the number on the bottom of the screen since Ronco advertised the Cookie Machine in 1976.

Two years ago we were strolling through the Mall of America when I saw an As Seen on TV store. I thought, now, what was it I needed that I had... oh! And I bolted into the store before Steve could stop me.

I am on my second upside-down season and I love it. The enclosed instruction booklet advised using seedlings but I ignored them and my good sized to begin with plants are now enormous. While my actual in-the-ground garden this year looks like Waterloo circa 20 June 1815 (hail and cold have been unkind to everything but the zucchini; also we neglected to add compost for a few years so I suspect my soil is currently as nutritious as a Slurpee - the word spavined springs to mind) my topsy-turvy dirt bags are coming along beautifully. I was so inspired by them that I fantasized about creating an entire upside-down vegetable operation in our basement. Wouldn't that be nice? Fresh green things hanging like bats in the dead of winter? Unfortunately, I discovered very quickly that it is impossible to google basement gardening supplies without giving the wrong impression. I'll leave it at that but in case my ip address is on any watch lists... I just wanted to grow tomatoes. Big sticky green tomatoes.  

++

An old friend died on Friday. He died too young, although I am at an age now where I understand that everyone dies too young. We went to his wedding. He has two little girls. The funeral is tomorrow and I am grateful that my friend Noelle is willing to come watch the children for us because I think you should always try to attend a funeral when you can. Rest in peace, MFB.

++

Steve's birth mother was visiting with her husband. We have reached a point where that relationship feels comfortable, familiar. It was never awkward but there were years of newness and I am glad that we can now discuss people and places and personal histories without constantly referring to footnotes. It was a very nice visit and it never ceases to amaze me how wonderfully Steve's search for his birth family resolved itself. I feel very lucky in this regard.

++

Was there a time when I thought that I could exist without a Caroline? How is that even possible?

She ignites the spaces in between.

Her word today was "oh". Soft and serious, "ohhhhhhhhhhhh." As Edward rode his pushcar around and around the kitchen (a skill she has not mastered) we cheered go! Edward! go!

She pursued her lips and modified, "Goooooooooooo!" Then she gently patted his head before she shoved him onto the floor.

"Uh ohhhhhhhh," she gasped; her mouth a surprised cupid's bow, her eyes glinting with malicious amusement.

++

Steve received a tactful inquiry from a friend this week concerning the possibility of hosting another world's most dangerous slip n' slide/ turducken party. Here. At my house. Again. I can only assume he has been smoking some serious tomato because the last conversation he (the friend) and I had on the subject I was pretty lucid about my feelings re. return dates. Steve forwarded the email to me with a carefully worded "?"

Snuh.

++

More. Later. 

Comments

[C.]

Those kids of yours are so ridiculously smooshable.

[Pam L]

"smoking some serious tomato" ah hahahahah ha!
See, I like how you do that, like a well delivered stand-up where they come back later with the hook from earlier...too funny. I have thought about the upside down things but I can't really figure our where I'd hang them. It would have to be pretty high right? Yours looked pretty huge and my in-ground ones are ginormous this year. Someplace high and strong enough where there's enough sun, hmmm. It would free up a lot of prime garden space too.

[Betsy]

Oh goodness, you make me laugh. Your children simply come alive in these posts.

I have to say that the first time my kids (5 and 2) worked together to thwart my discipline it was all I could do not to laugh. I still find it hard to keep going with the discipline when they are obviously in cahoots to get out of well deserved consequences. I find it so utterly charming that I start going all soft.

[Carolina]

"Was there a time when I thought that I could exist without a Caroline?"

This phrasing reminds me...do you know the early-reader-pseudo-chapter-book Caroline Moves In? It's totally wonderful, though perhaps too young for Patrick and too old for the twinks at this moment in time. Apparently it costs a penny on Amazon, though, so maybe it is worth finding out...

http://www.amazon.com/Caroline-Moves-Barrons-Arch-Book/dp/0812039386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248933068&sr=8-1

[Fatemeh]

Julia, there is not ONE other blog which, when a new post springs up on my reader, I will read IMMEDIATELY no matter the hour.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

[peeks]

Sorry to hear about your friend.

My (UK) upside down tomatoes are not faring as well as yours - i spy a red one in yours. I think it's green tomato chutney for me unless the sun comes out soon...

[Sheridan]

I love these posts.

[Alexis M.]

1. Sorry about your loss. Losing anyone, no matter what their age, sucks (monkey balls).
2. Caroline is so f'ing cute I want to munch on her.
3. Re: the crazy man party - if you do end up with the party again...email a howler (Harry Potter reference - I couldn't refuse) to every man who attends (and their wives) that they absolutely cannot have another 19 hour party and they must arrange for a ride home or make them set up tents in the back yard. way out in the back yard. So you can't hear them at 2am.

[Greengage]

Sorry about your loss.

The bit about Caroline made me cry. You are a fantastic writer.

[Mert]

It was in writing...'We won't be doing this again.' And you can't break your written word now, can you? What kind of example would that be for the (totally adorable)kids? Hehe.

[harrytimes]

Oh the splashing in the spill while you're under the table-- this happens to me, and I also get MAD and then feel like a jerk because how can you get mad at a kid for an accident (but the splashing is no accident). Mine says, "I'm OKAY!" instantly anytime he spills somethings/drops something/falls down.

[this sunny clime]

Your kids are all adorable, but that pic of Caroline is just delicious, with the sun and the hair and all!

[Barbara]

Mercy. Tell Steve the Turducken Party should find another venue. And Caroline and Edward are the cutest kids ever. And you need to keep Patrick around because they would be heartbroken to lose their big brother and he's a love, even if occasionally annoying!

[SarcastiCarrie]

You are so having that party. You are a sucker for some Steve-promising-to-do-all-the-work.

[Sandra]

What sport did Steve play? I don't think I would host another Turducken party...the cleanup alone would do me in. And like someone posted earlier, you can't break your written word! And those babies? Adorable, simple Adorable.

[spoiledonlychild]

As for the spill, I think the solution may be to make Patrick clean up his own spills. Then, if he chooses to splash, it's just more for him to clean. That would reverse the power equation in the situation and possibly allow Patrick to live until his teenage years, when he can begin doing much worse things.

[Michele]

smoking some serious tomato! Ha!

[Aurelia]

Good for you for being able to grow anything this year. My garden looks like a mess because it's just so wet!

And I am glad that the relationship Steve and you have with his birthmother is going so well. It is nice. Life without awkwardness always is.

Hope the funeral isn't too difficult. I'm sorry.

[Kristin]

Too funny about basement gardening supplies.

You have the most gorgeous children (besides mine;).

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Slim]

I'm sorry about your friend.

"Was there a time when I thought that I could exist without a Caroline? How is that even possible?" You were naive. She wised you up.

Please post photos of the party. Or tell Steve that you'll be inviting the Internets, so does he really want to do this?

[kelly]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your stories about your kids are wonderfully vivid. Patrick is magical, and I want the twins to come over to my house and play with my 16 month old.

[Bianca]

"Big sticky green tomatoes." HA! I love it, and then, coming full circle, "Again. I can only assume he has been smoking some serious tomato"

You are truly a funny, funny woman.

love pics of Caroline, she is so striking!

[Kristin]

1. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

2. I teared up when I read the bit about Caroline.

3. I had to go back and read your post about the turducken party, because I didn't know what a turducken was. I thought maybe it was a funky smorgasbord-type food, maybe a nice pastry. Either that or some kind of drinking game. So I read the post, and I have one reaction.

DON'T DO IT.

That's all. Carry on. =)

[SarahB]

For your winter growing needs:

www.aerogarden.com

We use one for herbs (we're desert dwellers, so it's so much easier to grow things inside), and it works pretty well!

[Kara]

I think you need to forward that linked post to Steve.

Also, I am sorry about your friend.

[sheilah]

Everytime you post pictures of your children I am amazed again at how gorgeous they are. I love Caroline's hair! Such a pretty brunette color. And those curls! Wow.

This line: "Then she gently patted his head before she shoved him onto the floor" had me laughing out loud.

[Jessica]

I concur with Slim's idea that you should threaten Steve with releasing pictures to us. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to not want to go through all that again.

Caroline is captivating, both in personality and visually. I, too, teared up when I read that bit about her. I can so relate.

[Tiffany]

On Caroline, you said, "She ignites the spaces in between." So poetic! Is that an original line, or a reference to some other work? I'd love to track down the reference, if in fact there is one.

[ksmaybe]

I must have a tshirt like Edward's for my son. I love the pics of your kids. They always make me smile, even on horrible days. Your writing makes me laugh, the pics make me smile, is it any wonder why I stop by?

[Jen]

"Land war in Asia" -- HA HA HA!!! I LOVE your writing, I LOVE your children, and I am so grateful that you continue to share the ups, downs, and sidewayses of your life with us. And I am sorry for your loss, and all the people he leaves behind.

[winecat]

I heart Caroline. Her beautiful twinkling eyes, her adorable smile and her mischievous ways. It's easy to see that she ignites the spaces in between.

How hysterical to hear Edward and Caroline running to protect Patrick - cracked me up.

So sorry for the loss of your friend, loss no matter what kind is always painful.

Turducken party - NO

[tree town gal]

You write. I read and swoon. Gorgeous. Your poetic lines about the illuminating Cricket made me tear. It's so true, isn't it. These children who were so hard won... what if... what if we quit? Impossible to imagine. The protection of Patrick is just too much.

Very sorry to hear of your friend... it's always tragic and too soon.

[Pandora]

Count me in with the people who compliment your writing! I love your stories and your sense of the absurd.

The times you have mentioned Steve's birth parents and his relationship to them have filled me with such hopeless longing. I am the birthmother to a 20-year-old son. I wish my stories could be similar someday.

[Sally]

I like how the glass is half empty at the beginning. With me, when it comes to spilt spillables, the glass was always half full. What a twist!
And like the others have said, so very sorry for your friend and his family.

[Lisa]

All your kids are wonderful. Your stories of Patrick make me laugh (and kind of feel bad for you at the same time...you know, in the best way possible). Your photos of Edward always make me smile. But there's just something about Caroline - she's just heart-stoppingly beautiful. That's all I have to say.

[Dawn]

I'm sorry, but I laughed. so. hard. at you under the table, wiping up spilt milk, Patrick dancing in said puddle, and Caroline and Edward smacking you while you're done.

Only because a remarkably similar thing has happened in my own life. And all I can do is laugh. ;)

[Gina]

First, Caroline is utterly captivating.

Second, I too covet the upside down tomato planters! I have fourteen tomato plants going this year (in raised beds) and they are being mercilessly raided by rats in the night. I wonder if the upside down plants would prove more difficult for the evil beast to pillage? How many do you have going and where do you hang them from?

[Ngaio]

I love the inventiveness of your writing! Speaking of which, I used a phrase of yours in my head this morning, the term ‘ice cream face’ which you used way back when some unexplained numbness that sent you off to a neurologist. It suddenly struck me that I don’t remember reading if you ever got a satisfactory answer to that.

I got to read this during work hours today because of an allergic reaction and was fondly remembering what it was like when a reaction was as mild as having half my face go numb, or a curious tingling feeling. That particular reaction for me could be caused by something as mundane as pineapple juice, in which case if I had some every day for a week I’d have numbness on and off for the whole week, or from a one-off dose of artificial colours flavours or preservatives in something.

Not that I’d ever be one to go on about allergies in person, you know? That's so uncool. I just thought it worth mentioning here, though.

[Amy]

Julia -

I've been reading your blog now for almost a year. And I've never posted - lazy on my part. But after today's post and the amazing writing I've been fortunate enough to have read from you this past year, I must say you are one of the most brilliant, wittiest people I've ever had the pleasure to come across. "Smoked some serious tomato", that's just f'ing funny.

You are wonderful, Steve is so resourceful and handy, Patrick is amazing!, Edward is edible, and Caroline - just exquisite. Wish I could bundle you all up, put you in my pocket and take you home with me! [it's a southern saying].

Hugs to your entire family,

Amy

[wendy]

I love your stories. And your love for your children makes me teary-eyed. Thank you.

[Minneapolismama]

I agree with Wendy. Your love for your kidddos just shines through and it makes me want to go give mine a big squeeze! Thanks!

[Kelly]

Just brilliant. Your writing is just brilliant, as are your children, your friendships, your temper...smitten.

Kel

[shriek house]

I'm very sorry about your friend.

Your children are gorgeous, as always. And while it is vaguely unsettling the first time one's offspring band against you, it's also a comfort to think of them someday united against the lazy nursing home staffer who keeps trying to make you wear adult diapers when you really don't need them. Yet.

Anyway! It was a comfort to me to think of you being momentarily vehement through gritted teeth, because I somehow always imagine you with a beatific expression as you guide your children through the day.

[Alex]

Re: "I did that! On purpose!", have you considered the possibility that your son is actually a cat? It would explain a lot.

[Wasabi]

Was that a hat tip to The Princess Bride? Oh how I love the Princess Bride.

An old college friend of mine died two weeks ago today. Two little kids. Very sudden. The kind of thing that just makes you want to vomit thinking of how the youngest will not remember her dad. Very hard to think about.

Love Caroline's "goooooooo" turning into "uh ohhhhhhhh." Awesome.

[Heather]

Was that party really two years ago? I remembered exactly what you were referring to before I ever clicked on the link. Is that scary??