Give Me Your Hands

I know I have mentioned in the past that unless you are a gifted storyteller with a richly nuanced subconscious nobody wants to hear what you dreamed last night ("...and then I was back in the house where I grew up but it wasn't, really, because there was a roller rink in the attic and Lorne Greene was there and I could fly but I could not speak...") and no doubt that goes triple for recounting what your son dreamed.

However, I don't care. Do androids dream of electric sheep? Do midget astrophysicists dream of midget astrophysics?

Over breakfast Patrick said, "I had the weirdest dream last night."

And I said, "Really?" and sat down across from him with my hands on my chin because, frankly, every little thing he does is sometimes magic and this morning happened to be one of those times.

"We were on a bus going through a forest. It was a long bus ride and when we got to the end we were at a dock and we let the kindergartners out because they were going swimming. Then the bus turned around and we started to go back through the forest but by then it was very late, probably midnight. I looked out the window and saw the moon and then I realized that rather than normal" (fingers rounded like a quarter) "it was huge" (hands cupped like a bagel) "and I thought 'Wow! It's like our moon is as close to us as Phobos is to Mars! I MUST be dreaming.' So I woke myself up."

He was laughing and shaking his head.

"Wasn't that crazy? I mean, when we got to the water in my dream it looked normal but if the moon was really that close... I mean, just think of the tides! "

I thought, "Someday you are going to make some high school science teacher very very happy."

I said, "Wow! That IS crazy!" and went back to making his lunch. I stuck a note in with the Nilla Wafers saying "these cookies are more like Enceladus" and I freely confess that I had to google "tiny moon" in order to get the name right.

++

Caroline Edward and I started communist playgroup this week. We were supposed to start last week but I am far flakier than I realize and as a result we missed it like a train. For some reason I was convinced that our Wednesday morning class took place on Thursdays; so much so that I made special carpool arrangements weeks in advance to accommodate Thursdays. I wrote "C&E Play" on every Thursday until Christmas on the laundry room calendar and I added "Thursday Class" to the electronic calendar that Steve has finally (after two years) bullied me into using through his unremitting failure to accept that the laundry room calendar is the main iron-clad calendar for the family. I LIKE normal calendars. I LIKE things that hang from a thumbtack and have a different photograph for each month (2009 features pictures from the Hubble - you'll never guess who selected it) and little squares filled with scribbles like "9:?5 P dentst apt". However after months and months of Steve breezing through the kitchen looking like someone who has some place to be just at the moment I was about to ask him to watch the children for a few hours; only to be told that he is leaving for x and that it was clearly marked on his calendar... I gave in.

But, Thursday. I thought the class was on Thursdays.

Last week we went through this ridiculously complicated exchange so that Caroline and I could make the first class despite the fact that Edward was going back to the doctor that morning for his fevers. My theory was that I had failed to bond with the other mothers in almost every communist playgroup I joined with Patrick because somehow I missed the critical first day friend finding period. I didn't want that to happen again. One of the reasons I have been looking forward to doing this class...

Sorry. Let me stop. I have gotten ahead of myself.

Communist playgroup is what I have always called the state-sponsored, state-funded early childhood education classes of which Minnesotans are (justly) very proud. Through the school districts the program offers a huge variety of child, parent and child-parent classes to serve ages birth through five. They have day classes, evening classes, mixed ages, newborns, multiples, single parent centered, father centered... they cover the gamut and they are held all over the freaking place. For Caroline and Edward I had debated between a multiples class and a toddlers class. For what it is worth when I asked you guys the majority of you thought I should go with the toddler group but a significant subset - namely all of the mothers with twins older than mine - thought I would get a lot from the multiples group; so in the end I applied for both. However what I really wanted was to be able to take the one class that was offered at Patrick's school. I thought he (and the bumbles) would get a kick out of driving together once a week. So that was my first choice and we got in and it is a toddler only class.

The classes are divided in half. For forty-five minutes the parents stay in the room and help the kids paint or play with toys or use the sensory table or playdough or whatever. Then the kids are left with a cadre of teachers and the parents go sit around a conference table for the next forty-five minutes with a led discussion on some age-appropriate parenting topic. It's the last part there that has always, always made me want to drown myself in the bottom of one of their tiny styrofoam cups. I remember once when Patrick was about two and a half we were in a class and the day's topic was potty training. As far as Patrick and I were concerned it might as well have been Driver's Ed; that's how remote the idea seemed at the time. So the class facilitator handed us a little sheet of paper with a drawing of a baseball diamond and asked us to mark where our child was in terms of toileting - first base, second base etc. I drew a fence and then a parking lot and then a road running behind the parking lot and then a farm on the far side of the road and an apple orchard on the back forty of the farm and on the tallest part of one of the trees in the orchard I drew a small Patrick. In a diaper. It took me ten minutes and by the time I looked up again I had missed the whole discussion and everyone was walking out the door. No wonder I suck at potty training.

With Patrick I thought the classes were important because we knew no one and we never saw anybody and he was growing up kinda weird. I thought he needed to be able to play with other kids and although that did not actually happen for the first few years (he would go find a toy or read a book) I figured that although I loathed it I could take a couple of parenting seminars for the team. Caroline and Edward are much more social (a pet rock would have been more social than Patrick - he was a late interacting bloomer, our Patrick) but I still think it is important for them to get out and see other children and maybe make some friends next to whom they might parallel play. And, frankly, I have been really excited about the idea that I might make some new friends too.

-- I really did not intend for this to segue like this but since we are here... my essay on the many ways I failed to win f's and influence p's over the past decade is in the October REDBOOK and can be found online here. I am 100% convinced that the lovely editors at REDBOOK have made an effort to use me for freelance projects (I am working on another piece contracted by them with two more maybes - one funny one! - in the works) in large part due to the (extremely touching) outpouring of support you guys offered when they laid me off from the Mom Moment last winter. I know I said thank you at the time but I want to say it again. You left comments and you emailed and... wow, I am actually sitting here getting full-on teary... it made a huge difference in my life. So thank you again. If you read the piece and you like it and you want to shoot REDBOOK an email to that effect I would really appreciate it. Or not. No worries. --     

Going back now. One of the reasons I have been looking forward to doing this class...

...is that I was hoping to meet some new people.

I'm not sure why I am only able to connect with people during periods of obvious transition (new job, new school) but I am. Like, I was once trapped in an OB's waiting room for an hour and a half (he was such a good guy and/but he couldn't manage his patients worth a damn so by the late afternoon his waits were ridiculous) and I struck up a conversation with the nicest woman. Even as I was talking to her I thought it was a pity we would never see each other again and yet there was no real reason why we wouldn't other than the fact that I would have felt strange asking her out. Oh, you know what I mean. Haven't you ever talked to someone while you are waiting to get your oil changed and wished you could know them better? Or I remember the late (late as in no longer blogging) and much-lamented Getupgrrl writing about her mad friend-crush on her veterinarian, which I completely related to because at the time I had an OB who was just about my age and so cool and I kept trying to figure out how we could become best friends. Stuff like that, you know?

Anyway, Caroline and Edward and I went to communist playgroup. Edward found the corner with the cars and sat down to play with them. Then he noticed the dinosaurs and, although we are not a dino family per se, he intuited that cars plus dinosaurs equal a sum greater than the parts. He was calm and a little serious and he did not smile until the very end of the class by which time he had grown comfortable enough to try to hide as we were leaving. He laughed when I said, "Oh no! WHERE is Edward? Where can EDWARD have gone?" but - just between you and me - holding a piece of elbow macaroni in front of his eyes wasn't that great of a hiding place. Caroline was like a caricature of herself all morning. She was all over the fucking place. She used the easel, played with the playdough, drew another picture, went down the slide, played in the puppet house, took down every toy from a shelf near Edward, and had most of the adults in the room pick her up. She sat down for a millisecond during snack. Edward, in twinly contrast, was the last kid still eating. He slowly ate through his portion of Teddy Grahams, accepted seconds, noticed that Caroline had not even touched hers so he ate those too.  

At one point a little boy and his mother were sitting on the floor. The boy was arranging large colored beads on pegs. Caroline came over and flopped onto her tummy next to him. "Hiiiiiii!" she said. Then she picked up a bead and put it on a dowel. The boy had been carefully sorting the beads by color and he gave what I considered to be a very Patrick-like groan and said, in Spanish as that is his first language, "Amarillo! Amarillo! No! Aqui!" His mother said the soothing things about sharing and goodness that you say to toddlers as you attempt to cram them into civilization by force if necessary and Caroline cheerfully ignored his angst as she put blue on red, red on yellow and yellow on her finger. The whole time he muttered darkly about colors and she beamed at him as she "shared".

"Buh buh!" she said a minute later - much to his relief - and moved onto her next victim new friend.

Meanwhile I tried to be in six places at once and fielded questions about how many months apart my two are ("They're twins." "REALLY? You're kidding!" "Nope." "She's much smaller than he is!" - she isn't really) and about whether I have my hands full (during circle time the kids were given something to stick on the storyboard as we listened to a song. I literally walked on my knees with Caroline tucked under my elbow to help steer Edward and his fish in the right direction.) Oh and do you want to hear embarrassing? I have no official diaper bag (we don't really go anywhere) and I forgot to bring anything with me. I had to borrow diapers and then wipes. Twice. FLA-KY. 

I started talking with a woman who I immediately liked. She was very friendly and breezy and Southern (she moved here three weeks ago) and about a minute into our conversation she said, "How is it with twins? We did in vitro for [her daughter] and when we transferred two I wasn't sure what I should be hoping for."

I was charmed. I said the twins have been very easy so far; and I added that one of them was my morula and the other had been a blast. She smiled in understanding and I gave her my email on a piece of construction paper at the end of the class. Not that I only want to befriend people who have gone through infertility, just that her openness made it very easy for me to feel comfortable in general.

If you are one of my infertility compatriots do you talk about it like that? Personally, I never mention miscarriages or IVF although if someone asks if twins run in the family I generally say "Oh we had help" which answers their question. I thought after meeting this woman, though, that maybe I should be more forthcoming in the future. It was really pleasantly disarming.

++

Caroline is finally tall enough to climb onto chairs and nothing is safe. She found my checkbook on the kitchen counter and threw it in the garbage (Steve saw it and called, "Julia! Did you mean to throw the checkbook away? It looks like there are still checks in it... ?" Really Steve? HONESTLY?) She turned on... something... on Steve's Mac that made it vocalize everything for him as if he were visually impaired and we couldn't figure out how to turn it off for an hour. In the space of the last twenty-four hours we have had to rethink our baby proofing entirely. It less about protecting her from stuff and more about protecting stuff from her. Menace Girl flies again.

The sweetness of this smote me between the eyes and I was, like, oh damn it when she moved at the last second because prior to this photo she had been lying with her head on Edward's lap while they watched a video together. I mean, while they watched me instruct them in the ancient art of kabuki. Because every moment is a teachable moment at my house. Ahem.

I have long attempted to capture on film a trick of Caroline's that we call her Vampire Eyes. She tilts her head down or sideways and then slides her eyes over or up and peers at you from between her lashes. We are pretty sure she thinks she is being coy but the effect is actually kinda creepy. As my mother said, "Oh no no sweetie pie that is not a good look for you."

The first one is not it exactly but it is pretty close. The last two are just cute I think.

And in conclusion

I said, "Smile Caroline! Smile please!" and she did this:

So I said, "Fine, Caroline, look mad." And she did this:

She's atomic.

It's Friday night and I have had a glass of wine and am feeling thoughtful and chatty. So my question is: when was the last time you made a new friend and where was it and how?

For me my last new friend was Noelle and I met her through preschool but it took a couple of years for me to feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone and say, "Hi I'm calling for a consult" if you know what I mean. Her willingness to act as Patrick's back-up mom while I was on bed rest has made me her lifelong devotee. That and the fact that she is funny and wise and knows her food and she has the most sublime ability to listen, validate and then offer useful counsel - in that order. It's a rare gift.  

PS You can tell that Caroline has a split lip in one of these pictures. She fell off a chair and landed on her face. She seemed unfazed. I was horrified.

PPS In the spirit of both full disclosure and sheepish apology... I had no idea that Susan Boyle was so FREAKING CUTE.

Comments

[Donna]

I can't even tell you how fucking hard you make me laugh....please, please write that book.....

[christina]

I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who has a hard time making friends. I haven often left the park after talking to some nice mom and WISH I knew how to take that next step and try to be friends. I haven't made a new noncoworker friend since high school.

[Christy]

Agreeing with the write a book comment. The last time I made friends (I know, right? Plural even) was shortly after my daughter was born. Something about shared experience giving you a context to talk about things I think. Anyway, they are the most wonderful group of girls in the world, and had my back in ways that I never even dreamed of when we lost our son in Feb. - they supported us more than people we'd known for years.

In short, I am ALL FOR using one's children to make friends. Good parenting I say. Plus, odds are good that your kids are similar enough ages that a) their houses are already baby proofed when you show up, and b) the kids can generally amuse each other (with varying degrees of supervision). All good.

[Jennifer]

Confession time: I have a friend crush on you, Julia! My daughter is the same age as your adorable twins and I think we'd have freakin' awesome playdates. I envision wine, us laughing and talking, and watching Caroline and my daughter climbing and launching themselves off of various pieces of furniture (my daughter is similarly inclined, similarly fearless, and similarly atomic), while Edward watched disapprovingly. But my daughter also loves to clean, so perhaps she and Edward would clean up some toys together--in parallel, of course, and have a grand old time. It would be awesome. (Alas, we are not remotely geographically close so this is not feasible. Sigh.)

To answer your question, since you can't be my latest new friend, I've met a bunch of new friends through my fearless daughter. We are in a playgroup thanks to her, so those ladies probably count as my most recent friends. But my sweet little girl knows no strangers, so we make new friends everywhere we go, thanks to her. She's like a queen greeting her populace, if you know what I mean...and I think you probably do.

And by the way? Patrick = awesome. :)

[S]

Great Post.
Could not tell you the last time I made a REAL friend. Sad, but true.
The pics are adorable as always!

[Pam L]

See, one again, I'm laughing. And, for the first time, I read something you wrote to my Husband, Jay. The baseball diamond,fence farm, orchard etc. story, too too funny! It's hard to explain sufficiently to others just how funny you are with the written word so reading it to him was necessary.

[clarabella]

Julia,
I remember a post you did a bit ago about feeling like your readers/commenters are your online friends, and I believe I commented in like.
This post just makes it more clear to me that if I lived ANYWHERE NEAR YOU (alas I am millions and millions--how far away is Mississippi from Minnesota--of miles from you), I would make friends with you.
I just love your posts and your family, and I am pleased all the time that you share them with us.
I read your article for Redbook, and I think it's just hard to make friends sometimes. But you're thinking the right things (IMO) and doing the right things (IMO), and, well, that's how you make quality friends. If it were easy to make true friends, they might not (honestly) be worth having (IMO). Ok, I've expressed my opinion, obviously.
Keep on keeping on.
PS Caroline is absolutely beautiful in these pictures, ha, in case you didn't know.

[Nic]

I've found making friends to be hard since college. It just seemed to be so much easier then. A few years after I graduated and for the first two years that I lived here, I knew next to know one. However, since that time my social circle has bloomed. I have a number of really good friends I met through church (seriously. had you told me I'd be going to church now five years ago I would have flipped you off. but I found a good, liberal church that specializes in reality and being nice to people), I have a coworker I'm close to, and through these people I've just gathered other friends.

[Nic]

One thing I should note about making friends is that the people I tend to be closest with are those I've met through working together in some capacity and have become friends as a byproduct of that interaction. My best friend I met about 10 years ago doing volunteer child passenger safety work.

[Ev]

I have very few friends. It's hard to make new adult friends when #1 I'm shy #2 really busy with work, kids, marriage #3 have antisocial husband #4 am really lazy. I don't really need more friends, but would like more. I am an OBGYN and have definately bonded with a few patients whom I could totally be best friends with, but I never pursued due to reasons above. And would they be comfortable around someone who has seen their cervix?

I called my daughter Blanche Deverouex (from the Golden Girls) when she was a baby because her coif was the splitting image of that woman's. At least Susan Boyle wasn't a slut.

[somedayhomefree]

Oh my goodness! Caroline is just adorable, especially with those endearing curlies! Edward is just so sweet!

Btw, are you at all concerned about now being a good time to join a play group with swine flu going around? It scares me very much. We were pregnant at the same time so my son is about the same age as yours. As for potty training... I think the issue is not just when the babies are aware of when they need to use the bathroom but also how long they are able to hold it. Good luck!

[bethany actually]

Hmm...the last time I made a friend. Well, my husband is in the Navy so I'm sorta forced to make new friends every few years. And honestly, I don't befriend people easily. I am fine with making acquaintances, making small talk at the post office or after church on Sunday, but it usually takes me a while to be comfortable enough with someone to become their friend.

I think the last person I became real friends with was probably Sonja. I knew her online (via Flickr, where we were in the same quarterly self-portrait group, and our respective blogs) for a year or two, and then I moved to a town just a couple of hours away from where she lives. The first time we got together we already knew each other, of course, but when we met in person there was that *click* that happens all too rarely. She's funny and laid-back and interesting, and is a good friend.

[N.L.]

I have 2 new friends, both made in the last couple of years.

One, has only very begrudgingly become my friend. I didn't know at first if I liked her but since we were seeing each other weekly at our kid's activity, I went ahead and exchanged emails/phone numbers with her. Since then, she's been persistent, kind, and caring. We are only vaguely similar in interests but have enough to keep us going.

Before her, I made a business contact that came as a complete bait and switch. C replaced T at a firm I called regularly. I liked T very much and thought we were on the road to friendom, when one day she up and quit, and C was answering her phone. I was disgusted, but after that, T and I didn't keep in touch, and 2 years later C is an integral part of my support system and I love her a little more each day.

I have a reluctance to making friends, even though I thoroughly *want* them. Most of the time, it happens entirely by accident or force.

[Helen]

I have some very close friends whom I have known since school (27+years!). We have all lived all over the country but are now settled within 5 minutes drive of each other! That said I am on my second marriage and have added a 13 month old to my 12 year old so have to go through the baby group thing again. Usually here (England) you are supposed to bond with the people in your ante-natal group...no, not happening. Nothing in common and I was the last one due by a few months so missed that 'we have just had a baby lets do things together thing'...It didn't help that one of the members of the group was a 14 year old girl from the school I worked in who had initially confided in me that she thought she was preggers months before... Last new friend was Sarah who happened to live a few doors down from me...its a bit like falling in love and we have used the words fate and destiny...erk!

[Jessica (@It's my life...)]

I love how adorable all three of your kids are. They are each and everyone of them perfect little radically different people. My kids, two years apart, are more like twins than your two!

As for friends I've become bolder over the years. One too many missed opportunities in waiting rooms and restaurant bathrooms (hey! when you change diapers and wait for toddlers to wash hands it can take a while.) So last week after a preschool meeting I gave a mom my business card (ok, blogger card) and asked her to have coffee with me. We did and it was awesome.

[plunkie]

Yay for getting paid for your writing, congrats! WELL deserved.

Friends... at my daughter's school. I can strike up a convo easily, find things in common easily, but I get lazy about making the friendships go beyond chat. Mostly, I'm tired.

I'm pretty open about our infertility. Speaking of making friends, I have one I met bc of infertility. We worked together, many lifetimes ago, but didn't know each other. She caught wind of our infertility woes (as I said, I'm open), and one day she approached my desk and said, "Did you see that Bring Your Child to Work Day" email? I deleted it w/o opening it, what about you?" We've been friends ever since. Our girls are buds and I hope the same for our 1-year-old boys.

[Michelle]

I wish there was a YOU in the little kid gym class I take my 20 month old to each weekend. I would totally be trying to get your number. As it is there is only one mom I had hoped to befriend but when we met she was days away from giving birth to her second child and she's not been back since. *sigh*

My most recent friend is one I made at the gym while standing in line (yes, a line!) to take a dance class. I'm not one to make friends super easily as I tend to be generally suspicious of people in general but we've become close. It is nice to have someone to work out with and I also enjoy her company outside of the gym.

[Gabrielle]

Julia, your writing is just fantastic. I not only laugh, but I relate so much. Some days it is just what I need.

I completely relate to your stories about potty training. My oldest son felt the same way. As with all things he does, he decided to do it in his fashion, in his time and no manner of coaxing, bribing or pleading was going to change that. Your Patrick reminds me a lot of the things my son does.

By contrast my youngest son is a whirlwind of mischief.

I am horrid about making friends. I'm much too shy to put myself out there. (I deleted this comment twice already) I don't remember the last time I made a new friend. Considering how involved I am in the PTA and Cub Scouts I'm going to have to lay the blame squarely on me.

I'm not sure if you saw this article in the Smithsonian Magazine but it has some fantastic images from the Cassini spacecraft. The shots are primarily of Jupiter and its moons, but a couple of Mercury and the Sun too. The pictures are gorgeous and the explanations are interesting. Your story about Patrick's dream made me think he would appreciate them. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/Out-of-This-World.html

[Lisa O.]

We just moved to Australia last year, so I've made a lot of new friends lately - a couple of them I am really thankful for and hope to maintain friendships with even if / when we go back to the States. I find making friends via my daughter easy peasy - just show up at school for drop-off and pick-up and, voila, just add water, FRIENDS! Luckily, I like the parents of her classmates. Moving to Oz has forced me to give up my running-into-Julia-and-brood-in-an-airport fantasy though ;-) Indeed, like @Jennifer and probably many others, I have a friend crush on you. Hope that isn't too freaky!

[Betty M]

My last non-coworker friends were teh ones I made through my pre-natal class 6 years ago. We were in each pockets for about 3 years then in the way of huge cities people started moving out to the burbs and friends are now miles away (well in English terms, we are probably mighty close in US terms). I just cant seem to get past school gate chat with the mums at school. We have almost nothing in common as far as I can tell and I do try. I hate the fact that if i was stuck on bed rest I doubt any of them would be particularly willing to help.

[marian]

A woman came to visit us to inquire if we'd be willing to do a pro bono project for the non-profit she was helping. It would have been a good fit for us but somehow we kept on not getting it done, even though we said we would, and she kept coming to our meetings and being kind and forgiving and I realized that I just adored her. So eventually I told her that prospects were dim that we'd actually get her job done, but would she like to go for coffee or a walk sometime? I hadn't done anything like that in decades, but I"m so glad I did.

[peeks]

My oldest and newest friends both moved rather far away last year (not together) and it is rather lonely. i work too so meeting people is not so easy.

I am open about it not being my choice to only have one child if the person deserves it - ie hasn't asked really stupid crass question, you know the sort. I find it much easier, don't want to feel shame as well as everything else.

Will go and read your redbook post and make your enchilada thing now. Am immersing self in all things Julia this afternoon...

[elana]

i have not made a new friend since college (um, 11 years ago). i am pretty much exactly like you. i don't know how to do it. i have twins and we didn't go to classes or parenting groups or anything. it just wasn't feasible. and now they're almost 4 and starting school and we've moved so maybe i'll meet some new people?

strangers are constantly saying to me "how far apart are they? a year?" when i tell them that my two are twins they're shocked. "but the boy is so much smaller!" argh.

[Aunt Becky]

I read somewhere in one of your entries that you once lived in Oak Park and I used to live in Oak Park (now I live OUTSIDE Oak Park, which gives me the most charming mental picture of banging on DOOR of the city sitting in, say, River Forest, which beats, say, sitting on any other side of that city) and I wish you still lived there because we could be friends and I mean that not in a creepy way.

I'm WAY too lazy to be creepy.

Now I'm off to lazily tell Redbook that if they continue to allow YOU to freelance I will tell my (substantial) blog army to subscribe to their magazine. Which under any other circumstances I would not. Not because I'm being mean, just because I have no need for the magazine until YOU are in it.

[Rosie_Kate]

I know I always say this, but I just really love coming here for the laughs-- and I mean that in the best way possible!

The best time I made a new friend was at a mother-baby get-together that my midwife hosted when my son was a newborn. My soon-to-be friend seemed kinda "hippie" (she's not) but nevertheless, I thought, "Man. I really wanna be friends with her." We exchanged emails, and a few days later, I emailed her and asked if she wanted to can tomatoes together. Totally awkward and weird, but it worked. Our friendship quickly became one of those of the life-changing sort and I'm so thankful.

[Mandi]

Great question. I don't think I've made a new friend in the past 6 years. My biggest gripe to my husband is that I cannot make friends here. We live in Long Island, NY and are struggling to have kids. We're convinced you need to have kids to make friends our age around here... It doesn't help that we work in the city and don't spend that much time in this town.

Just know you are not alone in your plight. It's a universal problem apparently. Some of us are just not programmed to make friends once we pass the age of 30.

By the way, I am a loyal reader of your blog despite this being my first comment. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Keep cracking me up (please!).

[Kristen]

I moved to another state this past spring & left behind my group of friends. It sucks trying to make new ones. Or maybe it sucks here because, frankly, the people here are kind of snooty. The two places I've had luck are MOPS & the Y. MOPS because it's a bunch of moms with little kids & the Y because nothing breaks down barriers like copious amounts of sweat & being beaten by an aerobics instructor.

[cate]

I often think there should be some secret signal or code word or something, for people who have a hard time making friends. It's so hard.

[Erica]

I'm in the process right now of trying to make a new friend -- we know lots of the same people, our daughters are on the same soccer team, and she seems like the right combination of snarky and sweet. My plan, since we have mutual friends, is to suggest a group outing and then move on to coffee.

It strikes me now that this is remarkably like dating advice one typically gives a fourteen-year-old. That's a little sobering this early in the morning.

[Christine]

I guess the only friends I've made since college/law school are from work. A girl I knew in law school but never spoke to until I was a law clerk I now consider among my closest friends. The most recent friends I have are from my just over a year job (but I don't know that we would remain close if I left said job...hmmm)

I do have a friend that I made (jeez) four years ago through blogging and through her I've made friends with some of her friends...and that's about it. If I were not working, I would not know where or how to make friends at all, me thinks.

And seriously? Patrick? I just want to hug him and take him to the Planetarium. So cute and so scary smart.

[Designenvy]

I haven't made a new friend in ages unless you count my next door neighbour and even that took a few years to be good friendz. I am very shy when I am in a new situation although no one believes me because once I know someone you can't shut me up.

The two things that made me laugh out loud in your post though had nothing to do with your main theme but are just too good.

As my mother said, "Oh no no sweetie pie that is not a good look for you."

while they watched a video together. I mean, while they watched me instruct them in the ancient art of kabuki. Because every moment is a teachable moment at my house. Ahem.

I would like to think we would be great friends if we lived close by and given my lack of friendship making skills and the fact that I live in another country I will never have to be disabused of this notion.

[Carrie]

I think the comment I just posted got eaten when my son did something weird to my computer so I hope this isn't a repeat.

I have always had trouble making friends because I am painfully shy. I was in a moms group in 2006 and never really connected with anyone because I was too shy to ever put myself out there.

I am a former HS teacher and really enjoyed watching social interactions and trying to figure out what made a kid popular and not popular. From my observations it all came down to confidence. Not looks, not money, not intelligence. The kids who talked had friends lots more friends.

In 2008 I resolved to "be vivacious." Instead of sitting in the corner wishing I could make friends, I made a major effort to make small talk and invite people to go on playdates or whatever. Within three months I had made two new friends that I consider my best friends. Since that time I have made several other good friends as well. It was a real eye opener for me. At first I felt like such a fraud b/c I am not confident and outgoing by nature, but now I actually am confident and outgoing and don't feel weird about talking to people any more.

Your kids are so adorable! Those vampire eyes are pretty creepy, though.

[Cat]

You know, I am not a redbook subscriber yet the October issue landed on my doorstep nonetheless arrived on my doorstep yesterday and there was your article.

I thought the slow and steady thing was right on. I have several friendships now that took a year or two to form gradually. Making girlfriends is a lot like dating and as such I frequently employ the "she's just not that into you" mindset to great effect. These days I prefer to give my contact info vs collecting theirs. They can call if they want to. I won't be waiting by the phone.

[Eli]

I just love what your Mom said to Caroline about her vampire eyes....too funny!

The last wonderful friend I found in prenatal yoga. I totally thought she seemed like the perfect friend, but I truly believed she was too good for me. We barely even talked in class, but after the babies were born (her first, my second), she called *me* for support and advice. I felt so lucky and have cherished her ever since. She is much like your Noelle, but unfortunately had to move far away several months ago. Thank goodness for email now.

I am hoping a woman that I am getting to know through preschool will be my next new good friend.

Love the code word suggestion!

[jessy]

I'm from Mexico, and I've been reading your blog for a while now... I absolutely love it!!! I already made a comment on redbook, wich is where I started reading your posts.. and if you eveeer need a friend in Mty. Mexico, you can count on me... My closest friends are from law school and we've been friends for the last 10 years.
Congratulations on going back to redbook and getting paid for it!!
Your kids are adorable, I have a 9 month girl that has the same type of hair as Caroline, so I enjoy making ponytails everyday, and coincidentally she has the same clothes your little girl is wearing in the picture... :)

[Courtney]

I have 4 girlfriends who are totally & completely different and don't know eachother. They all serve a different purpose. My oldest friend I've known since 1st grade (so a million years give or take a year), my next oldest I've known about 8 years and we used to work together. She quit and moved on but we still kept in touch. My next friend I met when my daughter was in 1st grade, she befriended a little girl and well her mom & I were thrust into friendship. 6 years later the girls aren't friends anymore but the mom & I am. Lastly my newest friend I've known for 2 years although we've never met. I'm in TX and she's in VA. We met online on a pregnant mommy site and we had the same due-date. We moved from emailing, to im'ing, and now we text about 20 times a day. We tell eachother everything, but we've never met in person.....is that strange????

Again, love your writing! Yes ditto X 5 million you should write a book! Move to Texas and I promise I'll introduce you to all my friends!!

[Erin]

I love your article. I moved from Salem, Massachusetts to northwestern Iowa about a year ago and still am having problems making friends. I love my husband and our daughter, but sometimes I wouldn't mind spending time with someone who was interested in more than cars or breastmilk. Oh, and who wasn't his mom. Not that she's unpleasant to spend time with, but someone my own age could prove to be fun. Anyways, I agree with you about the taking things slow approach. My problem is usually that I am too shy to say much beyond hello. Kudos to the article and I definitely have sent Redbook an email telling them how happy I was to see your writing in their magazine again.

[Nikki]

There's a mom in my daughter's preschool class, and I desperately want to be her friend. My daughter doesn't seem to register her daughter's presence, and vice versa, so I have no REAL reason for us to get together... is it wrong for me to try and talk Nan into befriending B so I can hang out with her mom? :)

[Christine]

I found my best friend here by going to the library early for storytime and discovering that our babies were two days apart and exactly the same stage developmentally, as they both pulled up to the board books and had fun chucking them all off the shelf. If only it were always that easy.

I think I'm currently making a new friend, but it's a bit slow going. I think she's shy, or maybe she's just too polite to tell me to buzz off. But I know she's a funny, highly intelligent, compassionate kickass woman, and I think I'll persevere. The big step for me is always the first home playdate - after that they're not someone I met at the playground or another mum from school; they're one of my playdate buddies.

Julia, your children are utterly beautiful. And that's no surprise, considering the genes. We nearly came to the twin cities for a mini-break this fall, and I was totally going to screw up my courage and e-mail you for a playdate.

[Lisa]

Ok so I just realized I haven't made a new friend in years. How sad is that! I am very bad at making new friends. Almost all of my friends have pursued me, if you will, because I suck at making the first move, or I met them through my husband, who is much more social than I am.

There are a couple of women I work with who I would like to spend more time with outside of work, but I'm so paranoid to mix work with private life as if I'm afraid something will go horribly wrong. (Probably because a crazy girl I worked with latched on to me two years ago and when, after hanging out a couple of times outside of work and realizing it wasn't going to work, friend-wise, she spent the next two years actively trying to sabotage me until she was fired. That is probably why I am wary.) And in terms of making friends outside of work, I am a homebody and spend most of my spare time with my husband, with occasional dinners/parties with the friends we already have.

But anyway, I am very bad at making the first move. I'm 31 and I still really have no clue how to make a new friend!

[Heather]

First, can I say that I love that reading one of your posts takes longer than it does to rock my daughter to sleep (reading the post on my cell)? You made a comment a while back about one being too long, but you never really have to worry about that.
[And say what you will, I have no qualms about occupying my brain via web while I'm "supposed" to be absently smiling, smelling her sleepy head. I do that sometimes too.]

I agree with commenters above- it's easier to make friends when you will see each other often, like at work. But having work friends does have its own set of problems.

My last new friend was made through a familial connection and the assumption that every mom of twins needs to know other moms of twins. Not always true, mind you. My sister's husband's friend from boyhood moved into the area, and my sister introduced the friend's wife to me, because they also had twins. We started with playdates but are now honest-to-goodness, have-coffee-without-the-kiddos, friends.

[Beth]

I got back in touch with some friends from high school through Facebook. We get together about twice a month and crack each other up daily online. A lot of people are really down on Facebook of late, but without it I'd be a lot lonelier. There's nothing like old friends that you have a lot of history with.
I make friends at work...I'm a nurse and most nurses are women, and most of us are also moms. We always have a lot to talk about.

[Christiana]

The last friend I made was my friend Joanna - whom I met at church and we clicked pretty well when we joined the class, but we had met a few times before through a mutual friend who passed away a few years ago. We shared our pregnancies together, and we've done some shared activities and girl-time stuff but I still sort of feel our friendship hasn't really taken off. I can't just call her up to chat, you know?

Caroline and Edward are as adorable as usual. They are so much fun - I cannot even guess how you do it w/ 2 - I have trouble w/ my 1 Caroline. :)

[Melissa]

Very funny! I talk pretty openly about my 7 cycles of clomid, the fresh cycle of invitro that ended in a miscarriage, and my frozen twincycle pops that are beautiful and so much fun. It has helped me to overcome feeling bad about myself and most of the time, the people who I tell have positive responses or shared similar experiences. I did have one negative from what I considered a close friend who told me that God didn't intend for me to have these kids so I basically committed a sin when they were conceived. (Our relationship is definately strained now) Whatever!

My last new friend.....hmmmmmm. That is difficult seeing how I can't leave the house with one year old twins - reading you makes me see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I am really looking forward to going to those kind of classes so I can meet new friends with similar aged children. I just hope I don't come off too desperate!

[jen]

The Vampire Eyes thing - my daughter does that when she is not sure of someone, she will sidle up to them and look directly at me, then do the Vampire Eyes sideways through slit-eyes and lashes at the person she is not sure about. It is sooooo cute!

My last new friend was a bit of a surprise. I would consider myself a 'liberal christian' - I am Church of England (or Anglican, if you want to get pedantic), and although I go to church at Christmas and Easter, I am not in any way evangelical or vocal or whatever about it, to the point most people wouldn't even realise I was religious in any way - I am also very liberal in my views (with my family, you don't have an option but be VERY open minded about people's beliefs and inclinations). Annnnnnyway. About 18 months I arranged (finally) for my children to be baptised. We hadn't found a church we like until about 2 years ago. We go to a church in a small village about 4 miles away from the town where we live, and the vicar is a lovely lady, mid 40's, two kids, mad as a fruitcake. So, she wasn't able to do the baptism at the last minute, but over the last 18 months has seen me through some extremely tough times (PPD, a very stressful appeal to get my son in a school, more severe depression as a result of that stress, etc). And from being my vicar she has become a very dear friend, and we have dropped the whole vicar / parishioner thing, and enjoy our cake mornings greatly :)

[Kris]

I'm pretty forthcoming with my infertility. Not really so much with older people or men but with women I'm an open book.

[Naomi]

Most of the friends I've made in the last nine years I've made via my children. But my last really good new friend, I met through writing; we are both SF/F writers, live near each other in Minneapolis, and met at a feminist science fiction convention in Madison, Wisconsin. Then we bonded via LiveJournal. Now we e-mail frequently and go out for wine every now and then and stay up far too late because we can talk for hours. I have fantasies about going back in time and having her as a college roommate, which would be difficult as she went to college in NYC and I went to college in Northfield, Minnesota.

I know exactly what you mean about the people you bond with while having your oil changed. There's a woman I met at the dentist's office six years ago who I still think about. I had a colicky newborn at the time; her son, now a teenager, had also been a difficult baby and she was very sympathetic. He was having his teeth cleaned and came out and was completely different -- much sweeter and dorkier -- than I had pictured, and I watched him wheedle $10 and permission to go to Target out of her, and I was so, so charmed. Then we went our separate ways and I've never seen her again.

[jen]

ps i should add, my children ADORE her. my son (4) made me dictate an email to her last night to tell her he missed her and could she come and play. So she is a firm favourite with all our family.

pps i feel really badly i never answered your email, my eldest just started school for the first time and my youngest started nursery, i have been thrown totally by the change in schedules and speed. i apologise.

[jen]

ppps (i am not very awake tonight, sorry)!
i should add that i find it dreadfully, dreadfully hard to make friends. aquaintances - sure. but friends - not so much. call it famous british reserve, or a significant lack of small-talk skillz and/or body-language-reading, and can't seem to read what they are feeling about me. i know if i will click with someone - i get a gut feeling about people - but i have no idea how to take it from there without feeling like i sound like some creepy bunny-boiler. guh.

[Beth]

I forgot to say...the coolest place I ever made a new friend was on jury duty. I'm a nurse and she was a pharmaceutical researcher. Her family had had to flee Iran when the Shah fell from power in the 80's. We completely hit it off and got together a few times for lunch, but then I moved and we lost touch.