Give Me Your Hands

I know I have mentioned in the past that unless you are a gifted storyteller with a richly nuanced subconscious nobody wants to hear what you dreamed last night ("...and then I was back in the house where I grew up but it wasn't, really, because there was a roller rink in the attic and Lorne Greene was there and I could fly but I could not speak...") and no doubt that goes triple for recounting what your son dreamed.

However, I don't care. Do androids dream of electric sheep? Do midget astrophysicists dream of midget astrophysics?

Over breakfast Patrick said, "I had the weirdest dream last night."

And I said, "Really?" and sat down across from him with my hands on my chin because, frankly, every little thing he does is sometimes magic and this morning happened to be one of those times.

"We were on a bus going through a forest. It was a long bus ride and when we got to the end we were at a dock and we let the kindergartners out because they were going swimming. Then the bus turned around and we started to go back through the forest but by then it was very late, probably midnight. I looked out the window and saw the moon and then I realized that rather than normal" (fingers rounded like a quarter) "it was huge" (hands cupped like a bagel) "and I thought 'Wow! It's like our moon is as close to us as Phobos is to Mars! I MUST be dreaming.' So I woke myself up."

He was laughing and shaking his head.

"Wasn't that crazy? I mean, when we got to the water in my dream it looked normal but if the moon was really that close... I mean, just think of the tides! "

I thought, "Someday you are going to make some high school science teacher very very happy."

I said, "Wow! That IS crazy!" and went back to making his lunch. I stuck a note in with the Nilla Wafers saying "these cookies are more like Enceladus" and I freely confess that I had to google "tiny moon" in order to get the name right.

++

Caroline Edward and I started communist playgroup this week. We were supposed to start last week but I am far flakier than I realize and as a result we missed it like a train. For some reason I was convinced that our Wednesday morning class took place on Thursdays; so much so that I made special carpool arrangements weeks in advance to accommodate Thursdays. I wrote "C&E Play" on every Thursday until Christmas on the laundry room calendar and I added "Thursday Class" to the electronic calendar that Steve has finally (after two years) bullied me into using through his unremitting failure to accept that the laundry room calendar is the main iron-clad calendar for the family. I LIKE normal calendars. I LIKE things that hang from a thumbtack and have a different photograph for each month (2009 features pictures from the Hubble - you'll never guess who selected it) and little squares filled with scribbles like "9:?5 P dentst apt". However after months and months of Steve breezing through the kitchen looking like someone who has some place to be just at the moment I was about to ask him to watch the children for a few hours; only to be told that he is leaving for x and that it was clearly marked on his calendar... I gave in.

But, Thursday. I thought the class was on Thursdays.

Last week we went through this ridiculously complicated exchange so that Caroline and I could make the first class despite the fact that Edward was going back to the doctor that morning for his fevers. My theory was that I had failed to bond with the other mothers in almost every communist playgroup I joined with Patrick because somehow I missed the critical first day friend finding period. I didn't want that to happen again. One of the reasons I have been looking forward to doing this class...

Sorry. Let me stop. I have gotten ahead of myself.

Communist playgroup is what I have always called the state-sponsored, state-funded early childhood education classes of which Minnesotans are (justly) very proud. Through the school districts the program offers a huge variety of child, parent and child-parent classes to serve ages birth through five. They have day classes, evening classes, mixed ages, newborns, multiples, single parent centered, father centered... they cover the gamut and they are held all over the freaking place. For Caroline and Edward I had debated between a multiples class and a toddlers class. For what it is worth when I asked you guys the majority of you thought I should go with the toddler group but a significant subset - namely all of the mothers with twins older than mine - thought I would get a lot from the multiples group; so in the end I applied for both. However what I really wanted was to be able to take the one class that was offered at Patrick's school. I thought he (and the bumbles) would get a kick out of driving together once a week. So that was my first choice and we got in and it is a toddler only class.

The classes are divided in half. For forty-five minutes the parents stay in the room and help the kids paint or play with toys or use the sensory table or playdough or whatever. Then the kids are left with a cadre of teachers and the parents go sit around a conference table for the next forty-five minutes with a led discussion on some age-appropriate parenting topic. It's the last part there that has always, always made me want to drown myself in the bottom of one of their tiny styrofoam cups. I remember once when Patrick was about two and a half we were in a class and the day's topic was potty training. As far as Patrick and I were concerned it might as well have been Driver's Ed; that's how remote the idea seemed at the time. So the class facilitator handed us a little sheet of paper with a drawing of a baseball diamond and asked us to mark where our child was in terms of toileting - first base, second base etc. I drew a fence and then a parking lot and then a road running behind the parking lot and then a farm on the far side of the road and an apple orchard on the back forty of the farm and on the tallest part of one of the trees in the orchard I drew a small Patrick. In a diaper. It took me ten minutes and by the time I looked up again I had missed the whole discussion and everyone was walking out the door. No wonder I suck at potty training.

With Patrick I thought the classes were important because we knew no one and we never saw anybody and he was growing up kinda weird. I thought he needed to be able to play with other kids and although that did not actually happen for the first few years (he would go find a toy or read a book) I figured that although I loathed it I could take a couple of parenting seminars for the team. Caroline and Edward are much more social (a pet rock would have been more social than Patrick - he was a late interacting bloomer, our Patrick) but I still think it is important for them to get out and see other children and maybe make some friends next to whom they might parallel play. And, frankly, I have been really excited about the idea that I might make some new friends too.

-- I really did not intend for this to segue like this but since we are here... my essay on the many ways I failed to win f's and influence p's over the past decade is in the October REDBOOK and can be found online here. I am 100% convinced that the lovely editors at REDBOOK have made an effort to use me for freelance projects (I am working on another piece contracted by them with two more maybes - one funny one! - in the works) in large part due to the (extremely touching) outpouring of support you guys offered when they laid me off from the Mom Moment last winter. I know I said thank you at the time but I want to say it again. You left comments and you emailed and... wow, I am actually sitting here getting full-on teary... it made a huge difference in my life. So thank you again. If you read the piece and you like it and you want to shoot REDBOOK an email to that effect I would really appreciate it. Or not. No worries. --     

Going back now. One of the reasons I have been looking forward to doing this class...

...is that I was hoping to meet some new people.

I'm not sure why I am only able to connect with people during periods of obvious transition (new job, new school) but I am. Like, I was once trapped in an OB's waiting room for an hour and a half (he was such a good guy and/but he couldn't manage his patients worth a damn so by the late afternoon his waits were ridiculous) and I struck up a conversation with the nicest woman. Even as I was talking to her I thought it was a pity we would never see each other again and yet there was no real reason why we wouldn't other than the fact that I would have felt strange asking her out. Oh, you know what I mean. Haven't you ever talked to someone while you are waiting to get your oil changed and wished you could know them better? Or I remember the late (late as in no longer blogging) and much-lamented Getupgrrl writing about her mad friend-crush on her veterinarian, which I completely related to because at the time I had an OB who was just about my age and so cool and I kept trying to figure out how we could become best friends. Stuff like that, you know?

Anyway, Caroline and Edward and I went to communist playgroup. Edward found the corner with the cars and sat down to play with them. Then he noticed the dinosaurs and, although we are not a dino family per se, he intuited that cars plus dinosaurs equal a sum greater than the parts. He was calm and a little serious and he did not smile until the very end of the class by which time he had grown comfortable enough to try to hide as we were leaving. He laughed when I said, "Oh no! WHERE is Edward? Where can EDWARD have gone?" but - just between you and me - holding a piece of elbow macaroni in front of his eyes wasn't that great of a hiding place. Caroline was like a caricature of herself all morning. She was all over the fucking place. She used the easel, played with the playdough, drew another picture, went down the slide, played in the puppet house, took down every toy from a shelf near Edward, and had most of the adults in the room pick her up. She sat down for a millisecond during snack. Edward, in twinly contrast, was the last kid still eating. He slowly ate through his portion of Teddy Grahams, accepted seconds, noticed that Caroline had not even touched hers so he ate those too.  

At one point a little boy and his mother were sitting on the floor. The boy was arranging large colored beads on pegs. Caroline came over and flopped onto her tummy next to him. "Hiiiiiii!" she said. Then she picked up a bead and put it on a dowel. The boy had been carefully sorting the beads by color and he gave what I considered to be a very Patrick-like groan and said, in Spanish as that is his first language, "Amarillo! Amarillo! No! Aqui!" His mother said the soothing things about sharing and goodness that you say to toddlers as you attempt to cram them into civilization by force if necessary and Caroline cheerfully ignored his angst as she put blue on red, red on yellow and yellow on her finger. The whole time he muttered darkly about colors and she beamed at him as she "shared".

"Buh buh!" she said a minute later - much to his relief - and moved onto her next victim new friend.

Meanwhile I tried to be in six places at once and fielded questions about how many months apart my two are ("They're twins." "REALLY? You're kidding!" "Nope." "She's much smaller than he is!" - she isn't really) and about whether I have my hands full (during circle time the kids were given something to stick on the storyboard as we listened to a song. I literally walked on my knees with Caroline tucked under my elbow to help steer Edward and his fish in the right direction.) Oh and do you want to hear embarrassing? I have no official diaper bag (we don't really go anywhere) and I forgot to bring anything with me. I had to borrow diapers and then wipes. Twice. FLA-KY. 

I started talking with a woman who I immediately liked. She was very friendly and breezy and Southern (she moved here three weeks ago) and about a minute into our conversation she said, "How is it with twins? We did in vitro for [her daughter] and when we transferred two I wasn't sure what I should be hoping for."

I was charmed. I said the twins have been very easy so far; and I added that one of them was my morula and the other had been a blast. She smiled in understanding and I gave her my email on a piece of construction paper at the end of the class. Not that I only want to befriend people who have gone through infertility, just that her openness made it very easy for me to feel comfortable in general.

If you are one of my infertility compatriots do you talk about it like that? Personally, I never mention miscarriages or IVF although if someone asks if twins run in the family I generally say "Oh we had help" which answers their question. I thought after meeting this woman, though, that maybe I should be more forthcoming in the future. It was really pleasantly disarming.

++

Caroline is finally tall enough to climb onto chairs and nothing is safe. She found my checkbook on the kitchen counter and threw it in the garbage (Steve saw it and called, "Julia! Did you mean to throw the checkbook away? It looks like there are still checks in it... ?" Really Steve? HONESTLY?) She turned on... something... on Steve's Mac that made it vocalize everything for him as if he were visually impaired and we couldn't figure out how to turn it off for an hour. In the space of the last twenty-four hours we have had to rethink our baby proofing entirely. It less about protecting her from stuff and more about protecting stuff from her. Menace Girl flies again.

The sweetness of this smote me between the eyes and I was, like, oh damn it when she moved at the last second because prior to this photo she had been lying with her head on Edward's lap while they watched a video together. I mean, while they watched me instruct them in the ancient art of kabuki. Because every moment is a teachable moment at my house. Ahem.

I have long attempted to capture on film a trick of Caroline's that we call her Vampire Eyes. She tilts her head down or sideways and then slides her eyes over or up and peers at you from between her lashes. We are pretty sure she thinks she is being coy but the effect is actually kinda creepy. As my mother said, "Oh no no sweetie pie that is not a good look for you."

The first one is not it exactly but it is pretty close. The last two are just cute I think.

And in conclusion

I said, "Smile Caroline! Smile please!" and she did this:

So I said, "Fine, Caroline, look mad." And she did this:

She's atomic.

It's Friday night and I have had a glass of wine and am feeling thoughtful and chatty. So my question is: when was the last time you made a new friend and where was it and how?

For me my last new friend was Noelle and I met her through preschool but it took a couple of years for me to feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone and say, "Hi I'm calling for a consult" if you know what I mean. Her willingness to act as Patrick's back-up mom while I was on bed rest has made me her lifelong devotee. That and the fact that she is funny and wise and knows her food and she has the most sublime ability to listen, validate and then offer useful counsel - in that order. It's a rare gift.  

PS You can tell that Caroline has a split lip in one of these pictures. She fell off a chair and landed on her face. She seemed unfazed. I was horrified.

PPS In the spirit of both full disclosure and sheepish apology... I had no idea that Susan Boyle was so FREAKING CUTE.

Comments

[NiniB]

Cute does not even begin to describe those two... now off to go read the Redbook article.

[Pat]

It's been a long time (pre-13s?) since you wrote a post so long that I knew I would have to come back and read it later. This one calls for an investment in time, but you know what? I'm happy to invest it because you, Ms Julia, are a great writer.
One more vote for the book.

[Mimi]

First off, your children are adorable, quirky, incredible! I love the pictues and the stories and your sassy style of writing. More, Julia, more!!!

I have to agree with Carrie's comment that sometimes you just have to act more outgoing. I recently joined an exercise group where everyone knew everyone else for years. I was the "new kid". My normal style would have been to move to the back and be the observer. Instead, I tried "connecting" with one person each class. After three months, I won't say that any are best friends, but when they've graciously included me in their activities away from class, I've gone with them and had a good time. They've made it easy for me.

[Snarky Mommy]

The picture of the two of them, OH MY GOD, they are so cute. I want to eat Edward. Seriously. Eat his little face. He's just so smiley. And those curls on Miss Caroline...

As for new friends, my son just started a new preschool in our neighborhood, so I am in the throes of new mommy friendships on several fronts. I am so excited about it! We go to drop off and pick up and all the moms chat, we hit the local playground and three kids know my kid, we went out for pizza last night and saw two kids from his class. I am in love with my neighborhood! (Yes, I am gushing. Someone stop me!)

[L]

Reading about your potty progress questionnaire made me LOL, simply hilarious.

Last few friends I made, were parents of Davidson's kids. If you haven't it done yet, check if there are any local kids in your area and contact their parents. It was one of the best things I've ever done.

[caro]

When I saw "give me your hands" I was sure you were about to announce you were quitting your blog. Phew.

[jana]

I make new friends in the same way you do: with new beginnings. And because I'm a grad student I've had a lot of those. New school, new school year (with new incoming PhD students), new town, etc.

I'm also pretty forthcoming and social. So I don't have a problem with that. But my husband is the male version of you...that movie "I Love You, Man" outlines his problem exactly. No guy friends, more of a girlfriend guy. I find myself setting him up with my friends' husbands or boyfriends, with mixed results.

[kris]

the last new friend i made was mary, the mother of one of my sons friends. i met her at the birthday party she threw for her son that my son was invited to. turns out she was the sister of someone i knew as a teen..(that was awhile ago as i am in my early 50's now and so was she but we both have 9 yr old sons..hers birth, mine adoption). i only saw her sporatically from last october when we met until june when i saw her at the final cub scout picnic of that year. we made plans to get the boys together during the summer and she was going to be my new best friend...she died 2 days later. i still miss her.

[Monique]

I have a few friends from high school. Some I talk to regularly and others every so often but when we talk its like we just talked yesterday. I'm losing quite a few as we get older and people get married. I moved pretty far away so that doesn't help. But face.book has really help connect me with old friends. I'm shy so its very hard to meet new people but through my old job i have met some pretty nice people. One in particular will be my sister for life. we are 20 yrs apart and she has helped me so much this year...its more than what my family would do. Nobody gets the bond we share different races different ages but we just click. I wish i could meet more people like her.

[SusanOR]

Making friends after college/grad school/training was really tough.

Met a great gal at Book Babies after my daughter was born. She became an amazing friend -- and then her husband's company transferred him across the friggin' country. Literally. We get on the phone & yak for an hour but god, I miss her here. She was one of the few people I know who was as spontaneous (read: not good at planning) as I. So I could call her & say, hey, we're head to X, wanna come? And she would!

Trying to be friends with the neighbors, but they all have boys (I have a girl), they stay at home most days (I work), so I always feel like I missed something. They are cordial, but I'm not getting any invitations....
Sigh.
You understand.

The twinks are adorable!

[Hetty Fauxvert]

OMG ... did you really draw all that for the potty training class? The road, the farm, Patrick in a diaper in an apple tree? You made me snort ice cream, young lady!! :)

As for my newest friend, I seem to be in the early stages with a very nice German lady I met through our twins' once a week toddler twins play date. BTW, if you have not already, I strongly suggest you Go*gle "NOMOTC twins" and get involved in your local twin group. (NOMOTC is the big national twins/multiple organization, which has many, many local twin/multiples groups.) You sound like you are in desperate need of schmoozing with other twin moms. No twin mom will ask you stupid twin questions. Instead, you can just skip right to the commiserating and hysterical, snide laughter about your own terrible duo. (You can also talk shop about IVF until the cows come home, if you wish.) I gotta say, I think the national twin conventions are kinda weird and I do not plan to ever go to one, but the local twins group has been a great source for new friends and much practical info on how to deal with TWO crazy toddlers at once! (When people ask me, "So, what's it like with twins?" I tell them, "Have you been to the monkey house at the zoo? Imagine moving in there permanently....")

As for Caroline's vampire eyes, they may creep you out in person, but in photos they truly are adorable! No creep factor in photos at all. So maybe Caroline is just "vamping" for the camera. Heh.

[Vanessa]

At least in my experience, it gets harder to make new friends as the kids get older. When you've got a toddler, you're meeting people who may not have a lot of "parent" friends yet and are eager to connect with other people in their situation, not to mention find kids for their kids to play with. In contrast, my daughter is a fifth grader, and at this point the other parents I meet have already got their circles established and are too busy to socialize with anyone new. Plus, playdates have turned into sleepovers and invitations to go do stuff, so there's no opportunity to hang out and chat with the other mom or dad while the kids do their thing.

All this is to say that it's been forever since I made a new friend. I have lots of acquaintances at work, but those relationships end when we walk out the door at night. Maybe there will be a new phase of friend making when I reach the empty-nest stage in a few years, or maybe I'd better start looking into getting some more cats.

[kellie aindow]

God can i just SAY how much I love you and your blog...you just ugh I don't know get everything right!

I'm addicted and look for updates daily lol..

off to tell redbook i think your their best writer~

Cheers

[Alli]

Great article on making friends! Looks like you're well on your way. Nothing gets easier with age except, well, I can't think of anything!

[Bree]

Oh, I have the hardest time putting myself 'out there' to make friends too! I actually made a new friend this summer, of which I am inordinately proud because it is very unlike me. I met her through a Kindergym program with our toddlers a few years ago and thought at the time that I really liked her, we had a lot in common, she was so easy to talk to, we had the same outlook on life and parenting, blah, blah. On the last day we exchanged numbers but never managed to connect...2 years went by and I ran into her in the parking lot of my son's preschool! We now see each other at least once a week for playdates with our kids, but she's so great to talk to. I have the hardest time making friends (must be some weird social anxiety. I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than be in a room full of strangers my age or younger and have to make small talk. I am much more comfortable around older people for some reason.)

Thanks for another great post! You are always a pleasure to read.

[Amanda]

I just made a friend at the bus stop a month ago. I know that may seem short,but we have a lot in common. She lives across the street from me. We know the same people through school.
Just last week we took our kids together to see the 70th anniversary of the "Wizard Of Oz". It was a lot of fun. She is a great listener,and very fun.

Julia,I loved loved your article in Redbook about becoming friends and meeting people. I have lived in the same town for the last 7 years. The last 2 years I have made friends. I owe it only to the fact that my oldest started preschool. I didn't think it would be hard,but it was.

Thank you for writing that piece.It really helped me.

[Kristin]

The last time I made a friend was actually at a cub scout camping trip. My son, Joey, started playing with this other boy and, of course, I started talking to his parents. The more we talked, the more Erin and I discovered we had in common. It was pretty darned cool.

[Steph]

I agree with everyone else . . write a book . . go on Oprah . . be fabulously rich.

We moved to Lansing, MI about 5 years ago. We knew no one . . between pre-school, church and dance class, I've made 4 good friends. (The kind you can call to pick up your kids from school, or listen to you cry.)

Adult friendship takes more time and care . . and it needs attention.

[Crystal]

Last friend I made was due to dipping my toe in the women's group at my church. The women were talking about a woman recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, who had 3 young kids, and who's A$$HOLE ex had left her for a younger woman when she was pregnant with her youngest, about 4 years prior.

The years of my own cancer misdiagnosis still ringing in my ears, I had to know how I could help. Unfortunately she died rather quickly. I awkwardly went to her memorial (okay, most of the church was there) and sobbed wayyyyy in the back for her, and her kids, and the cruelty of life, and death.

After the service I asked our Pastor what I could do to help the kids, and he introduced me to this woman's best friend.

She like me had hippie parents, has attentional issues, she is brilliant and artistic and educated (NOT like me) and her husband is also a geek and she is also not one to be pinned down by convention or tradition or other artificial social constructs. She is enough like me to be wonderfully comforting, but like a Pokemon perhaps, the more evolved, smart, sophisticated, nurturing me.

Well, perhaps she's not so much like me!

She is the friend version of comfort food, and thinks I am the same, which always has me looking around behind me to see who she's talking about, because in my estimation porcupines are not so comforting but she's the kindest human I know for thinking me in some way healing.

Our sons are in Sunday School and Boy Scouts together and are joined at the hip, a particularly beneficial relationship for John, who inherited a double dose of our dominant wallflower gene, his friend being wonderfully outgoing, risk taking, smart as a whip. Our youngest two not joined at the hip, but thoroughly enjoy playing together. When all 7 of them are together they are noisy and boisterous and high-spirited in a way that inspires great joy. Her oldest daughter is sure to be President or a Supreme Court Justice someday, she is tough and feminine and smarter than most other people I know.

The universe must have mistaken me for some deserving person, because I got really lucky when I was blessed with her as a friend.

Overall moving to Portland was great for me, first place I've ever really felt at home. I'm not a good Angeleno, and Texas and I.... never really understood each other. One of my very longstanding friends lives up here, and a third friend of ours moved up here the week after I did. Between the other one's sister, the second one's husband, and other friends we all mutually brought along with us, my social calendar has become almost unbearably full. But I love it.

Teaching has been great too. Sometimes I doula for my students, and those become wonderfully enduring friendships. I'll be attending the first birthday this week of my first student I was a doula for. Perhaps because we were brought together by philosophical similarities, we hit it off. And there's nothing like the bonding of having someone beg you not to be too long in the bathroom because they can't get through this birth thing without you. :)

I sure wish I could figure this friend thing out on a cognitive level, but with the brain damage... not bloody likely. I'm trying to just appreciate that the universe has seen fit to bless me with a rich circle of friends, and try not to screw it up too badly (with brain damage, not bloody likely!). I guess I'm really lucky there too, having friends who understand not just the physical but also the cognitive fallout of this damned autoimmune disease, and love me just the same.

[Brenda]

If I told you that I'm 52 and haven't had a best friend in over 10 years... would that make you feel better? Ya, it's her fault. She moved away from me. Again. Not my fault.

Still would like a friend... one I could call and just chit-chat for an hour...or 20 minutes. This complaining to myself is getting old and really doesn't help my moral.

[Annabelle]

How apropos that you write about adult friendships on the day I spent 10 minutes crying in the shower over my lack of friends where we live and my lack of connection with my old friends (who all live 1000+ miles away). We don't have kids. I'm shy. My husband is shy. We both find it very hard to make friends. We love our neighborhood - but it is very family-with-kids oriented, and so I have next-to-nothing in common with the other women.

All this to say that...it can be really hard when you don't have kids to make that first connection for you, or to force you out of the house. Particularly when you are, like me, shy to begin with.

My parents, in contrast, have lived in the same place for almost 35 years. They have a circle of friends - couples, singles, different backgrounds, etc. - that I envy.

[Denise]

"Communist playgroup" cracks me up. I picture you all during the discussion-group portion sitting around and denouncing each others' kids for not being sufficiently good sharers.

I am on the edge of two rather large groups of women (book club and the "mommy posse"), but although I have lots of nice interactions I always feel like they are better friends with each other than any of them are with me. Not their fault, mine. And now not only do I have to make my own friends, but I have to arrange playdates for my son, too (who seems to have no trouble making friends).

[Cat]

I just had to report that the Great Redbook Subscription Mystery has been solved. My sister just called to say she'd gotten a 2 for 1 deal and signed me up.

[Bethany (sillyseaotter)]

Just wanted to let you know I left a comment over at Redbook. Great article, Julia!

[Chris]

I don't use IVF or the twins or my past miscarriage as conversation starters...ha ha...and I generally don't bring any of it up. I am always glad to answer questions when asked, though. And, when asked if twins run in the family, I always just say "yes" because they do. I like that your new "friend" was so honest about her transfer and sentiments about multiples. On our 3rd and final try, I begged our RE to transfer 3 blasts. He (as respectfully as possible) snorted at me, expressed that he would not because I would have triplets, and, while people do it, it is not something that anyone who has done it would choose to do if given the choice. I can see that. If I could be guaranteed my children, but could have done them 1 at a time, I would have. Yes, I love and appreciate all the unique things about their relationship, but nursing almost killed me and I never feel like I give them the individual attention and support they need to develop their personal selves. I hope that is remotely coherent. I am coming off a weekend away with the hubby and think all the food and libations may have done me in.

[Kathleen]

I could have gone my whole life with my family and friends from my youth. Instead I married a US Marine, have moved all over the place while he took off for long stretches of time and so in order to minimize days spent at The Betty was forced to learn the art of making friends.

It was a long, painful, difficult process but now I cannot stop. It's been surprising and touching to me how eager most people are to make adult friends. A few were just not good matches but most have become dear friends.

To answer your question, I made a new friend last night. I met him at the home of a friend I made a year ago. It really is lovely.

[Kathleen]

Kris, I am so sorry about your friend.

[fraulicious]

I have always found it hard to make friends. That said, I met my newest friend during a playdate organized by a Mommy group. She emailed me afterwards. As a bonus, our husbands also get along and we've met another really nice couple through them.

[Alexis M.]

Your cricket is going to be a bombshell. She looks Isabella Rossellini-ish.

Re: friends. I'm not too big on the whole friends thing. I'm 25, single, and have 3 great friends. I met M in college and then about 5 years later, she introduced me to D and T. They're all quirky and we've been best friends for a little over a year now. We're mostly anti-social and we let the men in, too. So we hang out at someone's house and do trivia stuff and watch Cash Cab. We're boring and I love it.

[Alexis M.]

This kind of I.R. ish -
http://blog.fashionwindows.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/isabella_rossellini_ci.jpg

[Penny]

Approaching 40, I too have not made new friends easily. However, I'd like to say that it's partly by choice and so I can't complain. It's just that I rarely come across people who I'd like to be friends with who aren't too cool for me. Most people, amazingly enough, fall outside of that (apparently small) range. On top of it all, I've even found myself adding some distance to old relationships to enhance my quality of time. So although I do find the romance in the idea of a "BFF" (does that term strike you as a bit highschool-ish? like "boyfriend"? A term best used before your 30s?), I presume it's as rare as other sorts of romanticized relationships (soulmates, mother-daughters, grandmothers, grandfathers, cool old teacher). I ain't sweating not being the rare person blessed with extraordinary people & relationships routinely featured on the Times.

Ha - I must come across crotchety... But I feel really rather calm & content.

Of course, now I sound like I'm dead inside.

I need a PR person, if I were someone famous or someone who had an image to protect.

Congrats on your writing gig. I enjoy reading you.

[Michelle]

I have such a hard time making new friends. Maybe some of it is related to growing up in a religion that made me dress "weird". That combined with going to a new school every. single. year.

After I quit my job to stay home with my daughter, I was so isolated. We tried play groups and classes, but I never seemed to click with anyone. It felt like being in high school all over again.

Finally one day, at the beginning of yet another baby class, I said, "I AM going to make a friend today." It was more for my daughter than for me, because I wanted someone for play dates. I just walked right up to a woman and asked if she'd like to have a play date. She said yes and we exchanged numbers.

That was three years ago and we are very close and our daughters are best friends. I think it's amazing that a random woman I picked for no real reason became such a good friend.

And yes, that was three whole years ago and I haven't made another new friend since then. But I have always been a bit of a loner and am really okay with it. I am still friends with many of my childhood pals, and even though we are scattered all over, it doesn't feel like it because we email every day. I do wish I had more local friends, though. I moved to my city nine years ago and made only a couple of friends.

[kara]

Julia, what a lovely Redbook article! And of course a wonderful blog. And please, please do write a book! I have been reading you since Patrick was very young. I mostly lurk, rarely comment, and have only emailed you directly once when I had information to share that I thought might be important to you. To do more (to you or to any blog author) seems somehow presumptuous or intrusive to me - not that it actually necessarily would be, it just feels personally to me like I am stepping over a boundary somehow. Not sure why.

I am very, very shy, but most people who have met me as an adult would never guess that. Most of my non-family time is spent at work, and I do seem to make friends pretty easily there. Some of them even last through multiple changes of employment(!). I think that you and others have the recipe nailed: dedication, time, effort and confidence (whether genuine or projected).

[Tracy]

I don't make friends. I try to make friends, but I don't try hard enough, because I just don't feel like I can call someone I like (from work, church, school, whatever) and ask if they want to have lunch, because it's too much like asking someone out on a date. Not prepared to deal with the rejection. And then I think we're friends, but something happens to make it clear that we are really just acquaintances or associates, and then I feel stupid and back off. Even if the reason we're not real *friends* is because I've been backing off all along.

Anyway. Didn't mean to be so whiny.

I am Openly Infertile. I didn't want to go public while we were still trying, but now, I consider myself an evangelist. See, look! "Normal" people have IVF! I wasn't a "career-driven" woman who "waited too long." And we didn't have a "litter." Two normal middle-class people who had a baby through IVF. Imagine that!

[Shawna]

If the subject of having kids comes up I freely admit to the fact that my husband and I aren't great at concieving on our own and our kids are both Clomid babies. The topic of conception comes up less now though, than it did when we had no children or only one child. More people seem to assume we won't have any more since we have two, and one of each at that.

My latest friend I met at a province-sponsored playgroup, because what we both had in common immediately was our dislike of the playgroup. It's worked out well that our office jobs are in the same building complex and so can go for lunch now that our mat leaves are up. I have, however, been courting another mother who teaches at the same gym that I do and has a daughter about my daughter's age. The big catch seems to be that with at least two jobs apiece, plus kids, we just don't have a lot of time to cultivate new friendships. However, I'm now feeling inspired and think I'll shoot her an email to see if she wants to get the kiddies together this week for a quick post-dinner beverage at the local made-for-kids coffee shop.

And in the meantime, my BEST friend is coming with her family to visit this weekend. YAY!!!!

[shriek house]

I made a friend when my daughter started elementary school... but then this year we switched schools, so I am beginning again. It is so hard, particularly in an environment where everyone already knows each other and the pervading vibe is "we already have friends, thank you" but: one tries one's best. Thank god the kids want to have playdates and there is a requisite coffee with the other parent before leaving kids at each other's houses, but still: hard!

I confess I still think fondly of my OB and plot ways to become her BFF. There, I said it.

[Tine]

Our own Menace Girl did the vocalizing-Mac trick last year. You're smarter than we are; it took us a full 24 hours to figure out how to turn that sucker off.

Hmm...new friends...I'd have to say my last truly new friend was/is my hairstylist. I've been going to her for 10 years, but it wasn't until about this (politically charged) time last year that we realized how much we have in common. Not just politically, although that was the catalyst. Our lives are very different...I'm married with kids and I look like it; I have a nerdy career and a droll little life...she, on the other hand, is drop-dead gorgeous, twice divorced, and has a life I never even had when I was single. But it works. We enjoy the crap out of chatting with each other, and we've taken to scheduling my haircuts at the end of her workday so we can grab a glass of wine at the neighborhood bistro and continue our gossipping there.

[Elizabeth]

About the IVF... I often wonder if my openness if off-putting to some people, though I generally only bring it up when there is some excuse to, i.e. talking about pregnancy, etc. I want people to know how I conceived because after 4 years of trying 4 IVF cycles I feel I have a right to be proud of what I went through to have my daughter, and that pride I have at how she came to be can not be untangled from my more normal maternal pride about her and her accomplishments. I've also had other women mention their difficulties to me after I bring up the IVF, and I think they would not have felt comfortable sharing if I hadn't charged in there banner waving first.

Oh, and I wouldn't even blink if some other Mom asked to borrow a diaper and wipes from me. Keeping track of the baby is enough work that managing to bring all the correct gear just doesn't always happen.

[Cookie]

First, I have to just say how much I enjoyed your REDBOOK article. Second, your children are so incredibly cute, love the series of Caroline pictures. Third, I love that you shared the Patrick dream. You're a great storyteller with a very intelligent and amusing child. The world needs more Patricks.

As for new friends, the only friends I have are parents of my 4-year-old's friends. And no, they're not really friends. We don't have girls nights and I don't call them if I need anything, but they're as close as I get. I tried making friends at work, but kept getting blown off by a woman I thought wanted to be my friend. That's why reading blogs written by mothers is so important. I really feel like there are people out there I can relate to.

Also, love the super long posts.

[Lisa]

Again, I love that Patrick...the TIDES...hilarious! Haha.

Your kids are so cute. I love the pics you share. They are lovely. I'm so happy you are so blessed.

[Jessica]

I became a mother at 22, so I sort of lost contact with a lot of my peers, simply because I have little to nothing in common with them. At the same time, all of the other mothers in gym class or at preschool are easily 10years older than I am. So, no one approaches the young'n, and I continue to keep to myself. I always feel like they are judging me because I'm such a young mother ( now I'm 25). This keeps me closed off and on the defensive.

It's a tough dichotomy- too old for my girlfriends, too young for the other mothers. I'm too serious for one group, and too young to be taken seriously by the other group. I would very much enjoy the opportunity to meet and make friends with other mothers, but I'm just not given a chance.

This is why your blog is such a joy. Sure the conversation is one-sided for the most part, but I just love what you have to say and do think of you as a friend.

[Dmom]

I hope you take this in the friendly spirit it was intended and not as a creepy stranger post (as after many years of reading you...you're a friend) but I want your son. Seriously the moon thing is too much!!! He'd get along very well with my Uncle who is a University Proffessor of Pysics at McMaster University in Ontario. Genius, no joke.

Anyway, I think the best way to make new friends is to be the planner. You know, start a neighborhood group of something. For example once a month meet with 5 or 6 people from your street or connecting street and have a pot luck, book club, movie club, starbucks date etc. It's really easy to go from group friends to actual friends especially when the people are your neigbours. Otherwise you end up with friends at the park, and friends at the playgroup and friends at the soccer field but no one that becomes the kind of friend that would drop everything to help you if you needed it.

That's just my two cents. {;o)

[Heather]

Yeah. I haven't really made any friends since college, nearly 20 years ago. I have some "small talk while we drop-off/pick-up kids" friends. Just can't seem to make the leap to actual friends.

I hear the other mothers making play dates for their kids, planning to go out to coffee. It breaks my heart a little.

[Christa]

I'm terrible at making new friends with moms. When my now 8-year old son was about 18 months, I went to a Mom's Club playdate at a local park. But I found myself not acting like myself for fear of offending another mother. I am a natural smart ass and even though I am never far from a sarcastic comment, they are frequently self-directed. But among other mothers, I censor myself out of my personality to avoid offending anyone. At this playdate one of the other 18 month olds was throwing sand and the mom actually gave him a time out (or tried to). Now normally that would be the kind of thing I'd turn to the nearest set of ears and make some smart ass comment, but I didn't want to piss anyone off, so I kept mum. Hard to make friends when you're not acting like yourself.

It was easier once Jacob started school, because you came in contact with the same moms repeated times and could feel them out to see if you matched up before committing to a playdate. Then the playdates for the kids segued into actual friendship with the mom.

[Jess]

I admit I had to wikipedia Enceladus. Here I was thinking the cookies were more like enchiladas, and that would just be ... well, possibly delicious, if unconventional.

[ChocsClaire]

The last time I made a new friend when my 2 year old was a newborn and I dragged myself out of my house after about 2 weeks of being housebound for no reason except having a baby. I still proud of myself for doing this to this day and only yesterday I had a joint 3 year old birthday party with 2 of the Mums and our little ones and I hope the friendship continues for many years to come.

[erin]

I loved the article at Redbook, very timely for me as I've been trying to make new friends and have been feeling rather clueless about the whole process. Thanks for the reminder that it takes time - that it's about developing a comfort with a person and that doesn't happen overnight.

[Candy]

I'm late to the party but I'm commenting anyway!

My most recent new (and currently BESTEST) friend turns out to be someone I work with. We both started at this company about 2 years ago, we are about the same age, but other than that we have absolutely nothing in common. Other than an outrageous sense of humor.

For the first 2 months we worked together, she walked around with her head down and wouldn't speak to anyone. I, in contrast, tend to be bubbly and chatty and will talk to just about anyone. Her silence irked me. It ate at me. I'm a nice girl. Why doesn't she want to be friends?

And then I found out. Her significant other of 23 years, had died of a sudden heart attack at 47, 3 weeks after we started working there. He was her life. They were lovers, best friends, whatever, and he was snatched away from her. And because they weren't married, the company we work for was less than kind.

Eventually, she told me the story, and then we started hanging around a bit more together. Shortly after that, I had her to my house and we sat on my deck and drank wine and listened to music and bonded. I've since introduced her to my friends (who love her) and we are conjoined.

It's just so strange how people end up together. You just never know.

[Special K]

I've just come back for another read of Caroline And The Beads. That was hilarious :)

[victoria]

The last time I made a new friend was when they hired a new associate at my law firm.