Soluble

Agatha Christie had a nice trick of starting a story with multiple threads, each leading inevitably toward the same end... murder.

1. Steve likes Reese's peanut butter cups so when I saw a recipe for a shortbread cookie cup filled with melted chocolate and peanut butter cream I decided to make it for the holidays. The cookie wound being wildly unsuccessful (a nasty combination of gritty and gunky) - so much so that I still have a dozen of them in a container on the porch/freezer.

2. The peanut butter filling for these cookies is cream cheese and peanut butter, lightened by whipped cream. When I started the cookies on Christmas Eve morning I misread the recipe and subsequently made the mistake of whipping twice as much cream as I needed.

3. It snowed heavily on the 24th but with my mom already in residence and my brother's family not expected until late the next day this mass of snow was most welcome: soothing and Christmas-y. We had nowhere to go and no way to get there even if we had wanted to do so.

4. So I looked at the bowl of freshly whipped cream and the snow coming down and my mother and Papa Stan and Steve grouped around the kitchen as I worked on the cookies and I made a decision.

5. I made Irish Coffee.

6. We are not - as a family - accustomed to drinking whiskey at ten in the morning.

7. Whether Steve is an inconsiderate jackass or whether he was merely merrier than he had any right to be at that hour is a question that will be debated for many Christmases to come but he first placed his not-nearly-empty-enough coffee mug on the shelf above my desk and he then batted it over like a kitten, like a kitten with hams for paws.

8. Irish coffee poured over my laptop before pooling underneath it like Lough Dhulough.

9. I screamed and raced to snatch it from the creamy poisonous puddle.

10. I was too late.

11. Steve and Papa Stan were convinced that the laptop was simply damp and needed only a good airing to restore it to its previous robustness. This was ridiculous. Here's a hint: if something/one reeks of whiskey and is completely unresponsive it/he/she is in need of professional care.

12. There was nothing to do about it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and then my brother and his family arrived and the fact that my computer had x's for eyes took a backseat to the fact that my entire family needed to have their Mii's updated so that they could all - from biggest to smallest - eviscerate me in the new Resort Sports bowling.

13. It wasn't until days later that I was able to call the Apple store to see if they would mind if I just dropped my laptop off with them and then I could do a quick jog through the mall while they fixed it. They thought they might be able to let me bring it in sometime this year and then it would be a few weeks before they could actually, you know, look at it. Fortunately the local guy who subcontracts with Apple was less booked forever and produced a diagnosis within an hour: dead.

"You mean comatose?" I asked.

"No. Dead," he replied.

"How dead?"

"As dead as it can possibly be."

14. I cried and we commended its casing to the deep and then Steve and I tried to decide whether or not to buy the old laptop the Mac guy had refurbished but which was too outdated to run most of my software or whether I should just go back to a simpler time and start stamping out my correspondence with potato handblocks. As we were debating these options my mother bought me a new laptop. It's hard to express how nice this was. You say thank you when someone holds the elevator door for you, thus saving you a minute's wait in the lobby. How can thank you suffice when someone keeps you from plunging into the Dark Ages?

15. So that was that. I back up to Steve's work server so my files were saved and parts of my hard drive were salvaged and other than the occasional moments when I turn to Steve and ask whether he remembers that time he killed my laptop everything is back to normal.

It lead to something of an epiphany, though. While I missed my computer I began to appreciate its absence. I got more done and read more and took longer baths. Not that I am anxious to eliminate my computer again any time soon, just that I liked the lack of distraction and I am trying to spend more time with my computer off and closed. I am even thinking about moving it out of the kitchen - both for its own safety (who knows when I might find myself with extra celery stalks and decide to make Bloody Marys?) and to prevent myself from going over to it every few minutes and dithering. I spend way too much time frittering about online. I don't mean time spent writing my blog or reading others or anything like that (why should I? it's a large part of my social life, such as it is) but I had gotten into the habit of checking my email every five minutes. Yeah, sure, there will always be a new message from Lands' End (does Lands' End stalk you too? I actually do want to know when they are offering free shipping or 50% off kids turtlenecks but to email EVERY DAY? this persecution must cease) when I check but obviously that can wait an hour or two. It is just a habit and what better time to try to break a habit than with the new year.   

In a similar vein I am also trying to finish one project (and by "project" I mean "cleaning the kitchen" or "putting away laundry") before starting on another. I distract myself. This is such an ongoing problem in my life that I suspect I have already written a similar sentence in the past but: I clear the kitchen counter and discover a sock so I take the sock to the laundry room where I find stacks of leftover boxes from Christmas so I start to dismantle the boxes to recycle them but I find a receipt in one which reminds me that I wanted to save that receipt to return something so I take the receipt into the kitchen where I start to clear the counter again.... thus I spend all of my time and energy half-doing things so that by the end of the day I am tired and yet nothing is done. Depressing. I'd like to stop it.

So those are my resolutions and despite the fact that I have been picking at this post for over a week I am not going to just abandon it this time and I will post it - come tedium or repetition - before Caroline and Edward start lunch.

+

"Happy New Ear!" as Caroline says - a charming bookend to her "Merry Christmas Tree!"

She is a walking malapropism (not unlike her older brother who peered at the combination of things on his plate the other night and said, "Hey! Are those mashed potatoes?! What - exactly - is this sheepish pie?") and when she uncovers her eyes to shout "Peeking You!"she is delicious.

I love this picture. The folded hands, the stretched legs, the inward eye, the contented smirk... she is a never-ending source of delight and what-the-hell?

Edward is straight-forward. He has a few moods, mostly variations on delighted and embarrassed.

 

He also does a nice take on berserker rage but I don't get many pictures of that since I am usually busy defending myself.

Edward doesn't bend his knees when he runs or when he dances and although a corner of my mind wonders if this is quite, exactly normal the rest of me just enjoys how cute it is. His resemblance to a bear is uncanny and I can always tell when it is Edward coming around the corner due to the thumpthump thumpthump of his peculiar gait. That and the fact that he is usually wailing, "CAH-AH-YINE!" meaning "Caroline took my train/bear/book/car/plastic broccoli and I need you, Mother, to retrieve it for me."

Caroline never tattles. Ever. She waits. Sometimes she will attempt to lure Edward with another toy but for the most part she is content to let him have whatever it was she was playing with and move on to something else. Her attention span is less than half of what he possesses. They are funny.

And they're TWO! Caroline and Edward turned two last week.

Almost everything they received for Christmas and their birthday was a hit but for the two'ish year old on your list I can most heartily recommend a couple of things: my friend Noelle bought them a basic no-frills shopping cart and it is awesome; I bought a pair of Leapfrog My Pal dogs and although they are vaguely tacky Edward and Caroline both love them (you personalize them online and the dog says "I love you... [Edward]" or sings a tuneless but surprisingly haunting "Me and my pal... [Edward]... are the best of friends" and Edward beams and shouts, "OhTAY!"); Edward got a very small wooden Thomas the train set that they both like to play with. Oh and Patrick loves Quiddler, for what it is worth. It's a kind of Scrabble'esque card game, fast to play and easy to learn.

Where was I?    

Right. Caroline and Edward (who have already gone down for their nap after lunch - I'm failing already.) You know, that ineffable twinness that has escaped me since they were born is becoming more clear as they get older. I used to describe them as the Craig's List roommates but they are starting to get a twin thing. For starters they look more similar as Edward's hair darkens and Caroline's hair turns chestnut and they have the same eyelashes, thick like caterpillars. Beyond that they have a connection that is easy to perceive but hard to express. Different interests, different personalities but they click. They play together a lot. The toy kitchen (we went uber-plastic and got the combination kitchen/market from Step 2 - it's quite cute and the oven door that stopped closing within seconds was fixed with a piece of duct tape on the inside of the door) was a huge success. Edward puts his cars in the sink and Caroline bustles over like a health inspector and tosses the cars out again. Repeat ad infinitum. 

Not that they don't fight sometimes. They do. In addition to Edward's frequent petitions to get his whatever back he also has twigged to the fact that he is bigger than she is and has started trying to use this to his advantage. Fortunately for the sake of balance and equality, Caroline is a thousand times more agile so an attempt to dislodge her     

 

inevitably results in compromise

They're sweet.

+

Someone left a comment a post or two ago suggesting that part of Patrick's improved disposition might be due to the extra one-on-one time he is getting from me while we drive and I think this is emphatically true. We didn't get a whole lot of jealousy when the twins were born but there is definitely a level on which Patrick felt and still feels threatened by his siblings. He adores them - especially Caroline who shouts "SUPER PATRICK!" when he comes home from school; what's not to love about that? - but he does compete with them for attention more and more as they get older. So the drive helps, as does the new school which enables him to be both wildly creative (they have the flexibility to approach things in lots of different ways: this week's spelling assignment was to write and film a movie and make up his own spelling words to go with it) and reassuringly middle-of-the-road (they have started division and he is having to work at it - it's good for him.) If I had it to do over again I would have moved him sooner and if you have a kid you are wondering about and there are options available I urge you like a scary zealot (me, not you) to explore those options. The difference is unbelievable.

+

If I had realized ahead of time that I was going to be writing a resolutions post I would have written this whole thing with neat segues but I didn't so I didn't. But in keeping with the obvious theme (Things/People who need/want/require my full attention but have been receiving only chunks and slices and what I intend to do about it) it has become increasingly obvious that Steve and I are knee-deep in children and work and responsibilities and we barely see each other. I mean, we see each other all the time because he works at home and I spend my days going from room to room with a sock in my hand but we don't see each other. Long ago we used to play computer games together or tile bathrooms or travel. Now we get Patrick to bed by 8:30, pick up the toys, clean the kitchen, pay bills, check email and go to sleep. I used to be somewhat skeptical about the much lauded panacea of couple's therapy, Date Night, but I would love to be able to go on a date with him. Just Steve and me and a waiter. 2009 however was not kind to us so I am hesitant to start throwing money around on babysitters. Once bitten, you know.

So I don't know. What do you do? Oh hey I wrote that as a shrug but I guess it could be an actual question: what do you do? Do you go out? Do you stay in? Do you and your partner/spouse/significant other share a hobby? Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Comments

[MindyMax]

I do know exactly what you're talking about...it's just the day-to-day-ness of marriage. No expert here, though we are approaching our 20th anniversary in two months and scratch our heads and wonder how we managed that...it went by so quickly, really.

We do try these days, more than ever, to carve out some 'us' time...sometimes, it's just watching a movie together or a TV show together. And we also go out alone more these days, admittedly easier because the kids are older (16 1/2 and 19)- movies, dinner, even running errands together is more fun if we do it together. We're schmaltzy that way.

We work, we eat, we sleep, we referee, we monitor, we scold, we parent...and we attempt to create those times when we remember why we fell in love - and we always manage to reconnect.

For you and Steve, I think a babysitter and frequent nights out is the thing. AND, if child care allows, sneak away for a weekend together...I still remember that great feeling of getting 'away' when our kids were little....so do it - go somewhere, just the two of you -

[mellie]

Yep. You only think you'll miss the spontaneity. Date nights are great, as is the over the top overnight trip to the local fancy hotel within walking distance of a fancy restaurant. Christmas 2008 gift to both of us.

My husband's New Year's Wish is that we get our bedroom back so we can stop sexting. Which we don't actually do--we just flirt via text and he thinks it's sexting. More along the lines of the--"just wait til I get you in a room alone," without reflecting the reality of timing, which would make it 2011 before it actually happens....

[Carrie]

The best we've done is had our niece come sit after the boys are in bed. They don't go to bed "well" for others, so we tuck them in and sneak out to a movie or dinner and they are never the wiser. Not very often, but that's what we do.

PLEASE post the peanut butter dessert recipe up on the other site. Sounds yummy!

[Bethany]

Of course we know what you're talking about!

Hubby and I do Date Night every Saturday (only for an hour or two at a local restaurant) while Grammy watches DD. The real key for us (and every couple feels differently) is that we have it to look forward to every single Saturday. That way we're "truly" connecting at least once a week and weeks and months don't slip by with no real time together. My best friend, however, prefers the couple times a year where the grandparents take the three boys and she and hubby get to have an all-out wild time overnight with no kids around. That works best for them.

We're also about to take an overnight ski trip so we can have a get away like we used to when we were sans kiddo. Skiing was our favorite couple activity and we are sooo excited!! Again, Grammy is staying with DD (Grammy is my MIL, by the way, and I can hardly believe I barely got along with the woman for the six years hubby and I were married before we had DD. Our daughter has done wonders in bringing us all together and it's so fruitful for all involved :) Win-win! Sorry for the tangent.)

Do you think you could exchange babysitting time with Noelle?

[SarahinTX]

I too have such a problem finishing one project, as described by you, before starting another. I am forever folding laundry only to be distracted by a book that needs to be put away, only to see a cup that has to go in the dishwasher, etc. Part of it is my personality - I cannot sit still for long periods nor can I stand a mess - but it is worse with three kids and limited amounts of time to get stuff done.

Our routine is much the same as yours - usually once we get the kids to bed we collapse on the sofa to watch a bit of tv and then we read in bed for a while. It's not really interactive time, but even some quiet time together is better than nothing. Oh! We do commute together as much as possible, so that's an extra 45 minutes a day or so we have to just talk without the constant interruption of children. 2009 was not kind to us (financially) either, so it will be a while before Date Night is reinstated (we did it fairly regularly before the birth of our third).

[Marsha]

I'm so glad that it's only your laptop that was damaged. I get so *worried* when you don't post, a feeling that then makes me feel ridiculous in addition because, well...it just doesn't seem normal somehow to have this degree of personal concern over someone who I don't actually know. But then expressing that in such a way also now makes me feel callous and not very village-y. Hm.

Anyway, yes. We don't do date night much because typically the cost of the sitter ($10/hour minimum and as much as $15 lately) is more than the cost of the dinner or whatever. And seeing as I am about to be made, as they say in the rest of the world, redundant that seems a foolish expenditure. Once or twice a month now we have Date Night at home - a grown-up dinner after the kids are in bed, take-out from some place that we like but to which we cannot easily take the kids, plus a bottle of wine and a totally non-family friendly movie (and/or one that I don't want to have to stop every ten minutes and explain something or translate accents or whatever - watching Cranford with my son was hell). Lately we've been staging little Wii tournaments, leading me to discover that he's a superior Super Slicer and I can fence the Dickens off that platform. This can lead to the kind of giggly physicality one sees early in relationships, and that's kind of fun to revisit.

Friends take turns reading to each other during their after-bedtime at-home dates. She swears it doesn't feel as corny as it sounds and that the act of reading/listening to a story together is more compelling than watching a movie.

[Bianca]

We need a date night as well. I have two step kids, a daughter (8,9 and 9) and a 7 month old baby. We have gone out three times since the baby was born. One time was a work party where there was a power outage and we had to leave at 9 pm. I'm desperate for date nights and believe in them whole heartedly, but babysitters cost 20 an hour :(.

We basically try to get out once every six weeks and we have one day a week where we just have the baby so baby goes down at 7ish and we have the rest of the night to ourselves.

We are super tight right now financially cuz we just bought a house and SF property taxes are massive, but I believe very strongly that couples should try to get out twice a month to remain healthy. I also think taking a class together (you know, Salsa, cooking, book club) is a great idea as well, but I have yet to do it.

[emily]

Umm...I shower with my husband, lol. Not vavavavooooom, afternoon delight showering! We seriously shower together every night. It is one of the few ways we get to talk and reconnect (and barely ever *that* way, but sometimes...).

[tree town gal]

First, I hate to admit it but despite the wonderful chaos and fun of the holidays, I missed you and your children and your writing. Thank you forever for that photo of C&E snuggling on the couch. I feel I may need to print that as if I know all of you.

We are at an impasse around here with date night, or lack thereof. But over Christmas, we went on our first date in years (to a sorta fun rock punkish concert - I know - of all things). We haven't done something that spontaneous and hilarious in 12 years... and it made me feel just that - 12 years younger. I think it made me realize that we need to make a bit more of an effort.

[The Sandwich Life]

We tend to get a sitter every so often (cheap neighborhood kids make this more feasible) and run a couple of errands and then go out for a drink. A full fledged dinner date gets too expensive and this way we feel like we did something productive and if it makes Target start to seem kind of romantic, well....so be it. We have a drink at our neighborhood tavern then go home giggly and make a cheap late dinner.

When the kids were younger, we also would just do early dinners for them, get them to bed and then have a late dinner just us....cooking together, listening to music.

Nice to read your post....missed you....

[Candy]

I will tell you what "we" did so you do not do the same. We were knee deep in children for a long time too, and none of our family was nearby, and eventually we just stopped trying. Now we sleep in different rooms.

Do Date Night. Do ANYTHING. Don't be like me.

But if you do end up like me, could you give me Steve's number? He's awfully cute.

[kara]

Sincere wishes for success with the resolutions and agree on the wisdom of moving the computer; there is nothing like the internet and email to give us all ADD. My husband confiscated my Crackberry over the holidays, and the resulting peace was the best present ever.

We've been married 10 years (and do not have children so obviously spending time together is much easier) and these are some of the low-cost things we do to connect: read books aloud (short pieces with styles that lend themselves to this, like The Hobbit or The Hunting of the Snark), spread a blanket on the floor and have a picnic, plan a trip that we might take someday or might not, go for long walks together, work puzzles or play games (mostly Scrabble). Sometimes we just share things we've been thinking about that end up leading to interesting conversations (could use something like tabletopics.com for inspiration).

As always, thank you for sharing your life with us via your blog. Wishing a very happy 2010 to you, your family and readers too!

[Karishma]

Have a date night, just don't enlist a babysitter each time. Find a friend who feels the same way about her relationship as you do, and carve out an agreement. Say, once a month, or alternate weeks, take a night out and babysit each others children so that the other couple can have date night. voila! free babysitting and the ability to help friends out. win-win! i bet someone else already suggested this, but you mention Noelle a lot - maybe she'd like to be in on such an idea.

[diana]

wow! i didn't have time to read all the long comments, but what you need is a babysitting co-op. you sit for them one weekend, and they for you another,no money exchanged. you could just do it once a month and go to some silly restaurant and a movie- it will be worth it!

[Sarah]

Your twins are adorable and I love reading about your family. It's like a window into what's next for us as we have an 18 month old.

As for date nights, my DS doesn't "do" bedtime without mommy. Fine by me on most days since I work out of the house 5 days a week and miss him like mad, but not so fun when I just want some time with DH. Thankfully that bedtime is now about 7 so on some nights DH and I now just plan to eat a decent meal together (like previous posters, take out is great, even when eaten on the living room floor so as not to wake sleeping child), talk and watch and heckle our favorite shows. It makes us feel like us again.

My mom is localish, and watches DS the days I work so she is sort of available for babysitting duty but honestly I hate to use her. I want to be there for bedtime and be present when he wakes up (which he does most nights) so I can get him back to sleep without too much fussing. It is the part of my day that I most feel like a mother and after waiting 3 long years to be a mother, I am loathe to give it up. But that's just me.

[After Words]

Babysitter. All hail the babysitter. Seriously.

We try to go out without the wee ones twice a month. Usually we get away with just once. Recently, a night out to dinner ended with a few hours in a hotel room (I know!!!!!!!) and I proposed that we stop paying to go out to dinner and instead just pack a picnic for a hotel. We have a sitter booked in a few weeks. Will let you know.

[Betty M]

Date night is good - no need for it to be every week. Or just the occasional night out with another couple too. Anything sans kids for a couple of hours.

[Cris]

Our oldest isn't as clever as yours, so when we're desperate (and its winter and gets dark early), we put the two kids to bed an hour and a half early. Amazing how it improves everyone's disposition. If one of you can get people to bed and the other can bring in take out that the kids wouldn't normally like (although, again, you seem to have trained yours to be more experimental than mine), then you have a nice chunk of the night left. The picnic on the floor idea has worked for us, and also candles in a darkened dining room.

Usually something interactive after dinner is best. No - not that. Actually, I find having sex right off the bat works best. Then it doesn't get too late and no one is too tired (okay, me) or full (him) and then he can relax about whether he's going to get any and I can relax about whether he's worried about if he's going to get any.

We like to play cards (usually a version of rummy) - its interactive, you can talk about other stuff, it can be flirtatious.

[Kristin]

We really need a date night too. I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and it seems like forever since my husband and I have actively done anything together, without the kids. It's hard to get it all together when you are as exhausted as we are. But it's necessary (see Candy, above). I love the idea of once or twice a month having a standing date with him. We're both good about encouraging the other to go do things with friends (I saw a movie with a girlfriend this weekend and he played indoor soccer with some of his friends), but taking that extra step of getting a babysitter and leaving the house TOGETHER has proved impossible since #2 was born. I hope it works out better for you!

[Betsy]

I'm so glad you're back (and I'm sorry about The Laptop Murder). I was wondering what happened to you and thisclose to typing a foot-tapping, "I'm WAITING" kind of request for an update. You must realize, of course, that I have no life so I need yours to be updated more often! :-)

Does it make sense to say that the more you write about your kids the more I appreciate mine? Not in the "holy cow, those kids sound like monsters!" vein; but more in how you notice their personalities and how lovely they are. It makes me look at my kids and realize how wonderfully quirky and delightful I find them. Which? Is sometimes lost in the day to day. Thank you for reminding me how great kids are.

For date night, we have "date lunch" which can take advantage of when my son is at school (2 day/week kindergarten) and my daughter is at her mothers day out program. They only coincide once each week so that becomes our time. It's cheaper than paying a babysitter for an evening. We've gotten out twice overnight without them since they were born (once before my daughter came stampeding into the family, once after). Both times, it is sad to say, we were thinking "Sleep! We can sleep!" Kids. They will change your life.

Thanks for updating. I will quit worrying about you now.

[Lee]

My husband and I both work outside of the home and our kids are in daycare or at school (with an afterschool program). Sometimes we'll send everyone off to their respective programs and have a Day Of Him and Me.

We don't have to pay for a babysitter since everything is already paid for and it can also be hours and hours long...time for couple time as well as time for ourselves.

[Ellie]

Do any of us know what you're talking about?! Sweetie, you're going to get hundreds of responses to this one.

Let's set aside for the moment that I am single and going to be a nun one day (not really joking); I wasn't always.

Don't let it slide. Don't. Going out is too problematic? Twin-nap-time dates at home. Hopefully Steve's work from home schedule is flexible enough for this? Once a week? Once every other week? Schedule it, certainly to begin with. What you do with the time maybe doesn't matter so much as the fact that you are both deliberately carving out this time to be together: sex, food, dvd, go fish, whatever, really.

And? Once you've established whatever routine works for you, don't slack off. Losing a good marriage is shockingly easy.

[Rayne of Terror]

My mom took our 4 turning 5 in two weeks year old for the week before Xmas. So we were left at home with only the 4 month old. The baby is a good sleeper, happy as long as he is being held, and not mobile. It was delightful. We watched R rated movies, went out to eat, and slept in the same room! It turns out we still like each other. Our eldest is in the disequilibrium part of the year and it feels like all we do is punish him. Not very fun parenting right now.

[Rupiedupie]

Do the date night with regularity and enthusiasm.

Looking foward to date night was my mental sanity in the toddler/preschool days...that's gracious. I did feel insane with little ones/the demands of doing that work load.

Our kids are now 11 and 6. Hubby and I walk together through our neighborhood several nights a week. Sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes an hour. Our oldest child 'is the babysitter' for those hours.
Hubby confessed that walking and talking together, has become the highlight part of his week days.(yah baby, that's music to my ears)

All of the money we spent on babysitters was totally worth it to me. We make up for it now on this end of it, our kids enjoy an hour w/o us. We enjoy the connection and committment to our marriage/each other.

It's been awesome to watch our kids grow, become more mindful...and converse with us like bigger kids. I definitely enjoy this season of life. Elementary school years are terrific.

[LMM]

I'm so happy to know that I'm not the only one that is ADD around the house. Mine manifests itself when I clean. I'm always behind because I can't just vacuum, dust and give the bathrooms a quick scrub. I start off doing that, but then I think I should really clean and sort all the stuff under the bed so I can vacuum under there too...and do the edges...and look at the blades of that ceiling fan...and pretty soon I've spent hours in just one room and the rest of the house is a wreck.

As for dating, yes. We have decided this year that one night a week we're going to turn the TV off after little one is in bed and just connect instead of vegging out. Play a game, talk, whatever. But it's too easy for us to sit in front of the TV for two hours but not actually interact. We're also taking little one to daycare on the 18th (which we have off for MLK day) and spending the day together. We have managed one move in a theater each year since Lucy was born and we're looking to cross that off the list early this year. ;)

[Nicky at Not My Mother]

I don't have kids yet so can't really comment, but we cuddle. The first thing we do when we wake up (ok, when he wakes up, I've already showered) is take 10 minutes or so to snuggle together. I read somewhere that the first thing you do defines your day, so we make sure the first thing is us.

(We also do that as soon as we get home from work, it helps us decompress. But then we are big cuddlers.)

Our baby is due in 3 months so I'm not sure how we'll go then, but I still want to try for 5 minutes of just us in the morning. Not talking, not fixing anything, not thinking about the day, just us.

I'm sorry I LOLed at Steves ham paws, and I'm glad you've got a new laptop. Caroline and Edward are looking so adorable, I can't believe they're two already. And LOL at Sheepish Pie, I'm going to have to steal that :-)

[Sue]

I too have the easily distracted problem. I am always stopping and chastising myself for stopping right in the middle of a "project". Funny that you mention Caroline's short attention span in the same post. Is it an inherited trait?

We don't do the date-night thing but we get to commute together nearly each day which gives us at least a few minutes to catch up in the relative calm of the quiet car. I recommend something but don't think it needs to be as organized as a date depending on your personalities/preferences. So sorry to hear of the death of the laptop although the little internet epiphany sounds nice. I am about to replace my desktop machine for one I can drag around the house with me while I manage the house/children and I fear the same sort of story is in my future.

Totally unrelated, I am about to reread your archive on the twins. I am pregnant with an unexpected (only in the sense that I was utterly convinced I would never have another successful pregnancy despite the intense financial/medical/etc. focus dedicated to the process) boy/girl duo (I still can't say "twins" when referring my current condition, is that a problem?)with a son who will be 4.5y when they arrive. I am hoping for inspiration because I am uncertain (read:terrified) about how to make this work. If you are ever in the mood to reflect on some of the finer points of managing raising two infants/toddlers at the same time, I am all ears. Happy New Year to you and thanks again for all that you've shared.

[Kristen]

A date night is such a good thing. We moved & lost all our sitters so until we find a new one we have a date night in. We love to play games & occasionally we'll watch a movie. And with two of the three kids in school, we do a lot more lunch dates (with kid #3 in tow). It doesn't work for everyone but it's either we leave them with anyone because we are so desperate to get away or find a good compromise. Lunch is our compromise.

[MFA Mama]

My father the psychologist liked to remind us frequently that the superego is soluble in alcohol (usually while high because HE had standards, by god)...the motor skills though...well to call them soluble would imply that they're still present in any form. They just bugger off as if by magic. RIP laptop. Yay Julia's mom!

I'm getting married on Monday and will have to report back to you on "what we do." Since you maintain a PG-13 atmosphere on here it could be a while.

The finks continue to be absolutely adorable :)

[MsCellania]

Hire a once-a-week RELIABLE Tuesday night babysitter.
TAKE A SHOWER, both of you, that day. I am not kidding. Baby wipes don't count!
Feed children dinner and have them packed up for next day's adventures before you leave.
Dress up a bit and wear make-up.
Find an inexpensive, good dining establishment that has great wine or favorite cocktails.
Try to talk about positive stuff. Or limit the bellyaching to 10 minutes each.
Come home after children are in bed.
Talk about the sinful things you are going to do to each other on the drive home.
Pay the babysitter. Drive her home or wave bye-bye to her.
Have fun!
(We go out every week, but are sometimes too tired to get to the Hot Sex. Foot rubs/back rubs/just plain falling dead asleep is fine, too.)
We've been together 20 years and have been parents for 9. It took us TOO LONG to figure out this sure-fire method of reconnecting.

[Nina]

My solution to Dating With Children was Pretend We're In Paris Fridays.

We stay in, but as much as possible create the atmosphere of going out. I take a bath and style my hair and put on makeup while Z gets our kid to sleep, and then I put on a nice dress. Then while he makes himself pretty I set the table with candlesticks and nice linen and the good wine glasses, while he sorts out some delicious food and excellent booze. We put on music and dance in the privacy of our living room, or else we'll talk, or else we'll watch a film.

But whatever we're doing we make maximally fancy - and that feeling of making an effort for each other - it works. It also helps that our kid stays sound asleep until 3am, so we can make free and easy with the laughter.

[haitian american family of three]

Well-my husband and I have been together for almost 14 years now (and uh, I am 31) and we have a three year old. Our "hobby" is to work on our tiny remote cabin once a month, building things and hiking about in the wild quietness. We went to see the Avatar (and it was GOOD!) 3-D movie last week, and that block of four hours was the longest time we've spend alone together in years and it was wonderful. It made me aware of how much we do need that time alone...so babysitter are in the future...
ps-are you still looking for reader ads? I would love to place on up if you are. I make textile designs for fabric and can make personalized designs for kids.

[spoiledonlychild]

Spend the money on a babysitter occasionally. It's not that much money in the scheme of things, especially if you only do it every couple months, and it is worth it. Also, go out when your family is in town. Take the kids to visit your family, and then take a night away together. Work out a babysitting trade with a friend. Anything you can do to get a little alone time is a sound investment in your marriage. Just one night out alone brings a kind of perspective to a relationship that can't be gained within the confines of your house and your family. Make it a priority.

[Helen]

Do my husband and I share a hobby... ha. We both stare at our laptops. When my husband and I do talk, it's almost always about our child. It is what it is. I read another commenters suggesting about limiting bellyaching to 10 minutes on a date, but I think we wouldn't have anything to talk about. Honestly.

I'm now watching in fear as my toddler carelessly puts his opened water bottle right next to this laptop. Imagining a puddle of brown stuff collect underneath. Thank you for your cautionary tales. My husband would thank you too.

Congratulations - 2 year olds!! Happy Birthdays! And also, Happy New Year! :)

[Stephanie]

My hubbie and I need to do this as well. For us, we'll watch a movie together (netflix is great for that) or shows we like, and talk and stuff. It's nice- I'm lookign forward to doing more of it.

[Heidi]

A hearty huzzah and thanks to Julia's Mom!

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

Our twins aren't even here yet, and we're already suffering a bit of the malaise of marriage. We love each other, no doubt. We are ridiculously affectionate with one another all the time. But we don't go out much these days, first because we're conserving resources, second because I'm tired as hell and don't drink these days, and third, because the husband is working toward a major promotion and as such is very busy writing articles so that after June when the twins arrive, he will have a few out to publishers in the pipeline so as to pad his (hopeful) tenure track ease. Er, what I mean is that we sacrifice a lot of time together now so that in the future when he is hopefully on tenure track and required to publish, he'll actually have a few things that can be published, thus ensuring his future steady employment, thus ensuring that the bread is won for our burgeoning family (since I will clearly not be working as infant care is ridiculously expensive, and multiplied by two it becomes frickin' pointless to even work outside the home period).

So I will be eagerly reading the comments left here by your readers, trying to find our very own solution to this issue of how we find time to spend with one another. This is definitely a habit we need to break.

[Aunt Becky]

I'm fairly sure that The Daver and I need a date night. Or *cue ominous music* else.

I'm very glad that you got a chance to unplug. I've been allowing myself to not be everything to everyone on The Internet because I do not have to be. It feels...nice.

[Amy]

We've been married 10 years and have three kids.. 5, 3, and 1. Since the hubs is pretty much MIA Mon thru Fri we hire a sitter every Sat night. We're only out about 2-3 hours, and sometimes we don't do much, like a stroll through the local mall, window shopping with Starbucks in hand. But just the niceness of getting to really talk to each other for that time makes such a difference. And no distractions!

So.. we don't go on vacation, but it's worth it for the Saturday nights.

The kids are adorable.. all of them. A very Happy Birthday to the twins.

[Jan]

Do we know....!!! Raising small children is a joy and what you yearned for, but it's also one of the biggest stressors on a marriage. Can't speak to reality of your finances, but even a once a month babysitter splurge would such an investment for your relationship. The suggestions to find another couple or mom to swap sitting with might be a real possibility -- although I worry about that putting you over the edge when it's your turn! Also, I would get kind of upset when Steve would go off on the hunting trips and leave you home. None of our "bidness," of course; I do believe that it's important for each spouse to have some individual time and pursuits; and I realize he's the wage earner, but I also wonder if you also need a little more day-to-day kid involvement from him? Maybe even helping with the school drive once in a while? Maybe alternating each of you having a whole or half day "off," all to yourself each weekend?

[Cherish]

Sometimes we share babysitting with my brother who also has four children. Other times we splurge and pay for a babysitter but only when we're going somewhere cheap. Last night we played scrabble and it was much better than I thought it would be.

[Jan]

To answer your question: ours is not a comparable situation and my hat's off to you. I could not do it. We're much older than you. His kids (tweens) are visitation only every other weekend, and when they are here, pretty much everything revolves around them. I don't mind because they really need good modeling from us, kindness and attention. In terms of what we share as a couple, we download movies; go to theater and opera 2-3 times a year; go to free concerts and lectures at the college where I work; kayacking; take lots of hikes and walks in the woods; garden; watch birds at our birdfeeder; discuss books and argue about religion; interested in art and architecture, go to a lot of exhibits. We both work full time and we both share housework (laundry, vacuuming) and yard and repair work. I'm the better cook, but he will make omelets and always does the dishes. He enjoys watching football, but not an addict. I couldn't care less. I'm interested in science and astronomy; he's not so much. I'm "crafty", he's not. Those differences seem to balance out fine.

[Pam L]

I don't know, but the DH and I get along SO much better if we break out of the rut once ina while. We live together, work together, mostly at home, so like you we see each other alot, but not in a fun way, which makes us cranky. When we do manage to go out or just do something fun together, I like him so much more.

[Toni]

I was just reading on Yahoo! that you have to have more sex to stay happier...and more chocolate. They even suggested that you do both at the same time. Kind of shocking stuff for Yahoo!.

But I do agree with the alone time. I lose that 'connection' with my hubby if I don't spend the time with him that we need. (And I'm not just talking about being in bed together). It's good and healthy for the relationship. Problem? I'm nursing a 6 month old. Hard to go out with the kid too.

I do relate to your computer problem. (The checking every five minutes - not the Irish coffee on the computer). Please let me know if moving it makes a difference. I'm trying to come up with some sort of workable rule (can't open it unless the kids are all asleep...or something along those lines). Any suggestions are appreciated. :)

[laziza]

We don't have date NIGHTS, but we do make have date days. Our son is in daycare since we both work full time, but we do work from home together on Fridays. So we still take him to daycare for part of that day, and the mister and I take a daytime date. Maybe lunch, maybe just a coffee, but some kind of time together. Is something like that an option for you? Do the twins ever go somewhere during Patrick's school hours? Does Steve have the option to "leave" work for an hour or two so you two can go out to lunch?

[.]

I DO have an idea of what you're talking about.

My resolutions thusly are:

A) He is getting an office job. Like, 3 years ago.

B) He is getting a job with benefits

C) He is damn well going to get paid what he's worth, since in this upheaval he has saved the company's @$$ about a million times, in BIG ways. I ask you, how many laid of/immediately rehired employees do that for less than they were making and no bennies?

D) He's going to get some homies, and go out with them. Regularly. Like he used to. Gentlemen's clubs would be an acceptable guy night, if that's what it takes to get him into the shower on a regular basis and out of the freaking house (okay, he showers, but where's the shave and cologne?).

E) We are going to start reciprocating socially.

F) I've pointed out that the culinary institute we enjoyed dining at had only a small increase in prices ($15 for 3 lovely and locavore inspired courses, excellent service, and great discussion with the students about techniques and what they're learning as they serve/pull up a chair and hang out to talk food is fun!), a nice (and inexpensive) wine selection, and tips provide scholarships for deserving students. Call a sitter and surprise me.

Strange, all my resolutions seem to be things for him to do. Huh.

[Heather]

Date night here is on Friday nights. We put the kids to bed by 7ish and then we eat dinner. If we can afford the splurge we get take out and if not we have something nice and easy to cook. We may have wine and by "may" I mean "duh!" We watch a movie of some sort that we both can agree on and we sit on the same couch. Sometimes a good date night ends with going to bed early. Lots of great date nights end with going to sleep early!

[JustLinda]

That table, sock, boxes story? That's like the MOM version of the _If You Give a Pig a Pancake_ (or a mouse a muffin, etc.) book.

Only when you play the starring role, it's way more frustrating and not nearly as cute.

(Although when YOU write about it, it's still pretty darn cute.)

On behalf of us all, please do thank your mother. LOL

[JustLinda]

Also?

No good can come from plastic broccoli.

None at all. {sadly shaking my head}

[beth]

I was in a mother's club and they had thing called "date night Thursdays" which was a set-up for in-home dates. The idea is you serve the kids dinner early & put them to bed at regular dinner time, then you can have a couples-only dinner at home, maybe a bit later than usual. Cheap, because no babysitter or restaurant tax (although sometimes we'd get take-out if we didn't feel like gourmet cooking).

It was a club thing because it's easier if the kids are tired, which is easier if you are doing something, so we'd have a manic park day right after school/latish afternoon, then serve dinner to kids (sometimes en masse, sometimes at home), often special treats like hot dogs and mac'n'cheese or whatever, and then off to bed.

Anyway, just an idea that you don't have to spend a lot to have special couple time, which is (I think) a good idea both for you and the kids. Teach them to respect the Parental Unit, not just the parental units.