Soluble

Agatha Christie had a nice trick of starting a story with multiple threads, each leading inevitably toward the same end... murder.

1. Steve likes Reese's peanut butter cups so when I saw a recipe for a shortbread cookie cup filled with melted chocolate and peanut butter cream I decided to make it for the holidays. The cookie wound being wildly unsuccessful (a nasty combination of gritty and gunky) - so much so that I still have a dozen of them in a container on the porch/freezer.

2. The peanut butter filling for these cookies is cream cheese and peanut butter, lightened by whipped cream. When I started the cookies on Christmas Eve morning I misread the recipe and subsequently made the mistake of whipping twice as much cream as I needed.

3. It snowed heavily on the 24th but with my mom already in residence and my brother's family not expected until late the next day this mass of snow was most welcome: soothing and Christmas-y. We had nowhere to go and no way to get there even if we had wanted to do so.

4. So I looked at the bowl of freshly whipped cream and the snow coming down and my mother and Papa Stan and Steve grouped around the kitchen as I worked on the cookies and I made a decision.

5. I made Irish Coffee.

6. We are not - as a family - accustomed to drinking whiskey at ten in the morning.

7. Whether Steve is an inconsiderate jackass or whether he was merely merrier than he had any right to be at that hour is a question that will be debated for many Christmases to come but he first placed his not-nearly-empty-enough coffee mug on the shelf above my desk and he then batted it over like a kitten, like a kitten with hams for paws.

8. Irish coffee poured over my laptop before pooling underneath it like Lough Dhulough.

9. I screamed and raced to snatch it from the creamy poisonous puddle.

10. I was too late.

11. Steve and Papa Stan were convinced that the laptop was simply damp and needed only a good airing to restore it to its previous robustness. This was ridiculous. Here's a hint: if something/one reeks of whiskey and is completely unresponsive it/he/she is in need of professional care.

12. There was nothing to do about it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and then my brother and his family arrived and the fact that my computer had x's for eyes took a backseat to the fact that my entire family needed to have their Mii's updated so that they could all - from biggest to smallest - eviscerate me in the new Resort Sports bowling.

13. It wasn't until days later that I was able to call the Apple store to see if they would mind if I just dropped my laptop off with them and then I could do a quick jog through the mall while they fixed it. They thought they might be able to let me bring it in sometime this year and then it would be a few weeks before they could actually, you know, look at it. Fortunately the local guy who subcontracts with Apple was less booked forever and produced a diagnosis within an hour: dead.

"You mean comatose?" I asked.

"No. Dead," he replied.

"How dead?"

"As dead as it can possibly be."

14. I cried and we commended its casing to the deep and then Steve and I tried to decide whether or not to buy the old laptop the Mac guy had refurbished but which was too outdated to run most of my software or whether I should just go back to a simpler time and start stamping out my correspondence with potato handblocks. As we were debating these options my mother bought me a new laptop. It's hard to express how nice this was. You say thank you when someone holds the elevator door for you, thus saving you a minute's wait in the lobby. How can thank you suffice when someone keeps you from plunging into the Dark Ages?

15. So that was that. I back up to Steve's work server so my files were saved and parts of my hard drive were salvaged and other than the occasional moments when I turn to Steve and ask whether he remembers that time he killed my laptop everything is back to normal.

It lead to something of an epiphany, though. While I missed my computer I began to appreciate its absence. I got more done and read more and took longer baths. Not that I am anxious to eliminate my computer again any time soon, just that I liked the lack of distraction and I am trying to spend more time with my computer off and closed. I am even thinking about moving it out of the kitchen - both for its own safety (who knows when I might find myself with extra celery stalks and decide to make Bloody Marys?) and to prevent myself from going over to it every few minutes and dithering. I spend way too much time frittering about online. I don't mean time spent writing my blog or reading others or anything like that (why should I? it's a large part of my social life, such as it is) but I had gotten into the habit of checking my email every five minutes. Yeah, sure, there will always be a new message from Lands' End (does Lands' End stalk you too? I actually do want to know when they are offering free shipping or 50% off kids turtlenecks but to email EVERY DAY? this persecution must cease) when I check but obviously that can wait an hour or two. It is just a habit and what better time to try to break a habit than with the new year.   

In a similar vein I am also trying to finish one project (and by "project" I mean "cleaning the kitchen" or "putting away laundry") before starting on another. I distract myself. This is such an ongoing problem in my life that I suspect I have already written a similar sentence in the past but: I clear the kitchen counter and discover a sock so I take the sock to the laundry room where I find stacks of leftover boxes from Christmas so I start to dismantle the boxes to recycle them but I find a receipt in one which reminds me that I wanted to save that receipt to return something so I take the receipt into the kitchen where I start to clear the counter again.... thus I spend all of my time and energy half-doing things so that by the end of the day I am tired and yet nothing is done. Depressing. I'd like to stop it.

So those are my resolutions and despite the fact that I have been picking at this post for over a week I am not going to just abandon it this time and I will post it - come tedium or repetition - before Caroline and Edward start lunch.

+

"Happy New Ear!" as Caroline says - a charming bookend to her "Merry Christmas Tree!"

She is a walking malapropism (not unlike her older brother who peered at the combination of things on his plate the other night and said, "Hey! Are those mashed potatoes?! What - exactly - is this sheepish pie?") and when she uncovers her eyes to shout "Peeking You!"she is delicious.

I love this picture. The folded hands, the stretched legs, the inward eye, the contented smirk... she is a never-ending source of delight and what-the-hell?

Edward is straight-forward. He has a few moods, mostly variations on delighted and embarrassed.

 

He also does a nice take on berserker rage but I don't get many pictures of that since I am usually busy defending myself.

Edward doesn't bend his knees when he runs or when he dances and although a corner of my mind wonders if this is quite, exactly normal the rest of me just enjoys how cute it is. His resemblance to a bear is uncanny and I can always tell when it is Edward coming around the corner due to the thumpthump thumpthump of his peculiar gait. That and the fact that he is usually wailing, "CAH-AH-YINE!" meaning "Caroline took my train/bear/book/car/plastic broccoli and I need you, Mother, to retrieve it for me."

Caroline never tattles. Ever. She waits. Sometimes she will attempt to lure Edward with another toy but for the most part she is content to let him have whatever it was she was playing with and move on to something else. Her attention span is less than half of what he possesses. They are funny.

And they're TWO! Caroline and Edward turned two last week.

Almost everything they received for Christmas and their birthday was a hit but for the two'ish year old on your list I can most heartily recommend a couple of things: my friend Noelle bought them a basic no-frills shopping cart and it is awesome; I bought a pair of Leapfrog My Pal dogs and although they are vaguely tacky Edward and Caroline both love them (you personalize them online and the dog says "I love you... [Edward]" or sings a tuneless but surprisingly haunting "Me and my pal... [Edward]... are the best of friends" and Edward beams and shouts, "OhTAY!"); Edward got a very small wooden Thomas the train set that they both like to play with. Oh and Patrick loves Quiddler, for what it is worth. It's a kind of Scrabble'esque card game, fast to play and easy to learn.

Where was I?    

Right. Caroline and Edward (who have already gone down for their nap after lunch - I'm failing already.) You know, that ineffable twinness that has escaped me since they were born is becoming more clear as they get older. I used to describe them as the Craig's List roommates but they are starting to get a twin thing. For starters they look more similar as Edward's hair darkens and Caroline's hair turns chestnut and they have the same eyelashes, thick like caterpillars. Beyond that they have a connection that is easy to perceive but hard to express. Different interests, different personalities but they click. They play together a lot. The toy kitchen (we went uber-plastic and got the combination kitchen/market from Step 2 - it's quite cute and the oven door that stopped closing within seconds was fixed with a piece of duct tape on the inside of the door) was a huge success. Edward puts his cars in the sink and Caroline bustles over like a health inspector and tosses the cars out again. Repeat ad infinitum. 

Not that they don't fight sometimes. They do. In addition to Edward's frequent petitions to get his whatever back he also has twigged to the fact that he is bigger than she is and has started trying to use this to his advantage. Fortunately for the sake of balance and equality, Caroline is a thousand times more agile so an attempt to dislodge her     

 

inevitably results in compromise

They're sweet.

+

Someone left a comment a post or two ago suggesting that part of Patrick's improved disposition might be due to the extra one-on-one time he is getting from me while we drive and I think this is emphatically true. We didn't get a whole lot of jealousy when the twins were born but there is definitely a level on which Patrick felt and still feels threatened by his siblings. He adores them - especially Caroline who shouts "SUPER PATRICK!" when he comes home from school; what's not to love about that? - but he does compete with them for attention more and more as they get older. So the drive helps, as does the new school which enables him to be both wildly creative (they have the flexibility to approach things in lots of different ways: this week's spelling assignment was to write and film a movie and make up his own spelling words to go with it) and reassuringly middle-of-the-road (they have started division and he is having to work at it - it's good for him.) If I had it to do over again I would have moved him sooner and if you have a kid you are wondering about and there are options available I urge you like a scary zealot (me, not you) to explore those options. The difference is unbelievable.

+

If I had realized ahead of time that I was going to be writing a resolutions post I would have written this whole thing with neat segues but I didn't so I didn't. But in keeping with the obvious theme (Things/People who need/want/require my full attention but have been receiving only chunks and slices and what I intend to do about it) it has become increasingly obvious that Steve and I are knee-deep in children and work and responsibilities and we barely see each other. I mean, we see each other all the time because he works at home and I spend my days going from room to room with a sock in my hand but we don't see each other. Long ago we used to play computer games together or tile bathrooms or travel. Now we get Patrick to bed by 8:30, pick up the toys, clean the kitchen, pay bills, check email and go to sleep. I used to be somewhat skeptical about the much lauded panacea of couple's therapy, Date Night, but I would love to be able to go on a date with him. Just Steve and me and a waiter. 2009 however was not kind to us so I am hesitant to start throwing money around on babysitters. Once bitten, you know.

So I don't know. What do you do? Oh hey I wrote that as a shrug but I guess it could be an actual question: what do you do? Do you go out? Do you stay in? Do you and your partner/spouse/significant other share a hobby? Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Comments

[Clarabella]

The previous poster beat me to it, but I was simply going to say that even if date night is at home, it is quality time together. You just have to decide to ignore all the bills and emails and such as if you were actually out of the house. Good luck!

[Dead Bug]

Not much novel advice here, just...gah. I sympathize. I quite literally dream of a weekend away sometimes (it's usually Stinson Beach in my dreams--so realistic). We do get the occasional four-hour date night, but it ends up costing us about $200 between the sitter and the dinner/drinks, so that's fallen by the wayside. We also spent a few hours last week going on a hike in the middle of the one day during which we had nanny coverage, but of course that only works if you have a nanny and can take part of the day off. Staying home and doing Wii Fit together after the kids were in bed last night was probably more fun and more "bonding" than any of our official date nights. And sometimes we play iPhone Boggle with (not against) each other late at night with the lights off--cheap and silly but a lot of fun and, importantly, collaborative.

[Jess]

How we get time together is by no means revolutionary.. we watch movies and cuddle. Or we play Scrabble or Bananagrams.
We are lucky to have his parents close by, so if we need a real date night we drop her (Evelyn, she's two as well) off there for a few hours. I think we've paid for a sitter once.

[Jess]

Also, I have a kick ass recipe for peanut butter cup cookies. And they're not gritty and gross. Drop me a line if you'd like it. :)

[Heather]

The biggest piece of advice I have for marriage in general is to make random nights more like a date. Pick a movie, turn off all phones, grab snacks and sit down for the full movie together. Didn't you guys used to watch Lord of the Rings or something once a year? It's also imperative to cuddle while on your "date" in the living room, married folk just don't cuddle enough.

[Jen]

I am amazed at the cost of babysitters being posted here. 1. makes me feel lucky that my oldest is 14 and babysits her siblings for free. 2. makes me think she should be charging more when she babysits for others, as she only asks for $2 per hour per kid!

As for date night, even with the "built in" babysitter, our "date nights" consist of dinner at Arby's (we split the 5 or 5.95) followed by grocery shopping! I really get upset when he goes grocery shopping without me, that is the only time we have! We've only been together 7 years, so we've never had alone time...Not sure what we would do with it...

[katie]

i have the same exact problem around the house...i start off doing one thing and by the end of the day i feel like i've gone in circles without doing anything. drives me crazy. then i start making lists which sort of help but if my husband sees them he thinks i'm a whole 'nother kind of crazy and there you go.

getting out is good. we only do it when my spinster SIL is free. for a spinster, she has quite the social calendar. i wish i had half her energy, but then again, she doesn't have the joy of spending every day trying to wear out an uber-active 4 year old. whee!

[Missy]

Date nights for us are rare, but sometimes we try to recreate them from home - no sitter to line up and budget friendly.

1. Splurge at the grocery store and make a fabulous dinner - grilling good steaks and shrimp are our favorites. Set the table with your best china, wineglasses, and fancy napkins and eat by candlelight. We do this for Valentines Day and our anniversary every year. Sometimes with the kids - they are mesmerized by candlelight and tend to behave better than usual - and sometimes after they are in bed.

2. Call ahead to a nearby NICE restaurant and order food to be picked up after the kids go to bed. Cheaper than going out since there is no bar bill or tip, plus no babysitter to pay.

No other tips, but I will say that when we had our baby this fall, my husband and I started going out to breakfast once a week while I was on maternity leave and it was WONDERFUL. We would get the other kids off to school and then pack up the baby and head to a nearby cheap dive for breakfast. I too, have always scoffed at date night, but found that we really did reconnect with regular time together just the two of us (and sleeping baby in the carseat). I miss that now that I am back at work!

[Diana]

First of all, I love to read your posts and I did miss you when you were gone, so it's nice to see you back :-)
We don't date night, but we definitely should. We've been married 6.5 years and have 3 kids (8, 4, 20 months)...but we spend evenings together happily sharing the same room and chatting. Like now, as I type this and he types away at something else...
I wanted to mention about the My Pals--my youngest got one for Christmas and loves it as well. They don't have her name, though, which was actually surprising given the names they have. Her name is Ophelia, and they did have two versions of Oceana, Odessa, and quite a few other oddballs in the O section, but no Ophelia. Even my internet spell check is flagging Oceana, but not Ophelia. See? But anyway, it does say "Honey" or you can pick from a standard nick name list. Just thought I'd mention that in case anyone else reading this has a child with an unusual name and is thinking about buying one :-).

[kelly]

Date night date night my stars date night. Even if it's just once a month, even if you just go out for coffee. Use a babysitter, or trade with a friend, or anything else that works. Date night is a big expense for us too, but it's entirely worth it.

Now I should get off my laptop and go see my cute husband.

[Susan]

We play Settlers of Catan (or more accurately, Cities and Knights of Catan) after the children are in bed. It's the only board game he'll tolerate, but he really really likes it, and I don't fall asleep, like I would if we were "watching a movie". :)

[Sandy]

In 15days my husband and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary and after all those years together, we found something that we can do together. On Monday nights we sit down together and watch Monday night wrestling. It is probably the silliest thing ever, but for 2hours we sit and laugh and talk and relax, and it's surprisingly has helped us alot. I enjoy it.

[Kirsten]

Happy Birthday to the twinks! They are adorable. So glad you are back -- missed your writing. And on the reconnecting-without-paying-for-babysitter front, here is an admittedly perhaps loopy idea. Do you have baby monitors? When the weather allows (granted that will be a while where you live) you could put the baby monitors on inside with the receiver outside with you, and go camping in the backyard. Just a crazy thought. Thinking I may take my own advice on that one!

[Silly Mama]

Get the new Super Mario Brothers Wii game and try to play it together without strangling the shit out of each other. That's what my husband and I do (after the kids go to bed anyway).

Happy New Year just the same!

[Jane]

I completely know what you're talking about. Just this week, I realized that my husband and I had not had an actual conversation (debating whose turn it is to clean out the litter box does NOT count) in days. Most of our talk revolves around stuff that needs to get done or about what our son did that day. Date nights are great but not frequent on our house due to work schedules and babysitter availability. Lately we've been trying to netflix movies and watch them after our son is asleep. Of course, it usually takes us 2 or 3 nights to finish a movie becuase we're too tired to watch it all in one go. How the mighty have fallen.
Also, sometimes I get two Land's end e-mail a day. How many polo shirts do they think we need??

[Meswiggy]

The Hubs and I have been married for 11
and a 1/2 years. Our solution to date night
without money is to pay someone to make the
food for us (ie - takeout) and eat it after
the kids are tucked into bed. Then, we
snuggle up to watch whatever Netflix sent
us that week. We do this every Friday,
sometimes even Saturday.

We like this because there's no travel time
once the food has been procured (unlike,
with a sitter you have to worry about
whether that one cocktail you had is too much for
you to be able to drive her home). And after
the meal has been finished you are then
welcome change into you jammies and curl
up on your couch (or bed, if that's where you watcth you movies) and watch whatever it is you desire. And heck, if
if turns out that the person next to you is what you desire, then things are made infinitely easier when you decide to do the deed - you know, unlike what would happen if you had to drive to the restaurant, be worried the whole time that you're going to miss your movie, drive to location the movie is playing, drive home, pay the sitter too much money for doing nothing while the kids were snoring. Then try and figure out which one of you are going to drive her home - because we all know that the one left behind will be sawing logs long before the driver gets home. Which means no nookey :~(

[anatomist]

my husband and i do date nights at home. elaborate sushi rolled while the other parent is putting the kiddo to bed. then we sit with some wine and snacks and eat dinner together and play scrabble or some equally nerdy thing.
if we can't do that we try to watch antiques roadshow together. we take what we can get.

[Michelle]

Could you, a couple times a month, NOT pick up the toys, clean the kitchen, pay bills, check email and go to sleep after putting Patrick to bed? That stuff wouldn't get done if you were out with a waiter, so stay in and not do them. Turn off the TV. Have dinner, just the two of you, after the kids are down and look at each other while you speak.

[Veronica]

I would kill for a date night. However, until my son becomes a little less clingy, it's not happening. Not yet. Sigh.

In unrelated things, I linked you on a list of my favourite 25 bloggers. I know you get an awful lot of that, but it seemed impolite to do it and not let you know as well. http://somedaywewillsleep.com/veronicas-list-of-25-blogs-you-should-really-be-reading/

[Geo]

For what it's worth, we are in a babysitter-less situation and also needed some 'us' time.
The solution for us sounds a bit silly but it works. We dress up, put a candle on the table, get 3 courses of easily cooked meals ready and a couple of bottles of wine.
It's amazing how, just sitting opposite each other for the course of the meal, gets you talking and looking at each other again. Time for just the two of you.
I have been amazed at how much fun this is and we now have a 'Stay In Date' at any excuse!
All i can say is give it a try.It's also very cheap and you don't have a cold journey home afterwards!

[Natasha]

i have boy-girl twins who were born a year before yours (dec 28th 2006) and i can tell you that the twin thing gets better and much more devious. Now, in the mornings i hear them mutter from their bedroom: You go downstairs get snack, i wait here. if mumma come i yell.

i also have an older boy (5), so i read your blog with genuine empathy and a joy that someone else is going through the same things.

Although, I live in the UK (London) so have fewer nature encounters... unless you count drunk teenagers as a wildlife experience?

[Jen]

We have *potential* hobbies together -- haha. My husband bought me golf clubs and lessons so I could learn golf and head out to the course with him...I haven't made it past the driving range. We are both musically inclined, so we play instruments but usually not at the same time...we used to play in a band together (how we met!) but that slowly disintegrated over the years as members of the band came and went. What we do manage to do together is watch a lot of movies. Mostly Netflix, which is actually pretty convenient if you'd rather not (or feasibly can't) leave the house. We make it to the theater on occasional weekends or vacation. Obviously, watching movies doesn't lend itself to much discussion or one-on-one time, but at least we feel like we are spending time together.

[Amy]

I'm so glad to see a post from you. I have missed reading about you and your family. Your twins are so adorable. I can't believe they are two already! My Nick will be two in March. Time flies.

My husband and I started doing date nights once a month last year. The past few months due to the holidays we haven't really gone out alone, usually we have Nick along with us. However, we're [finally] going to see Avatar this month and next month we have a dinner reservation for Valentine's Day. However, this is only because his mother watches our boys, and baby-sits when we go on dates.

[Lisa]

I second (or third or what have you) the in-home date night. The kids love it if you make their meal 'special' too - like eating picnic-style in front of the fire. I know the twins are 2, but you can put a big blanket down, and when they're done eating, ball it up, take it outside, and shake it out.

Get them bathed and in bed a little early, and then turn the music on, let the wine flow, etc.

We just did it last night, in fact. Steaks, salad, baked herbed fries, Diamond Creek Red Rock Terrace '97, old episode of Mad Men. *sigh* It was divine...

[nicolle]

my husband and i have the 1 hour nightly reconnect time. it can be just watching a movie or what have you, but there is no cleaning, kids, etc. one of us does bedtime while the other cleans up dinner and then we converge with a bottle of wine or mayhap a cocktail and sit in a room that is distinctly NOT for kids and we dither on for an hour or so and we're still in bed by 10, 10:30... that's as fancy as we get here...

PEANUT BUTTER FAKER CUPS
ritz crackers
peanut butter
melted chocolate

Spread thick layer of peanut butter between 2 ritz, dip in melted chocolate and place on wax papers. rinse, repeat.
sounds kinda, um, ya know, but THEY ARE YUM!

[JennG]

Date night in is great.

Another solution I have heard about but not tried myself is if you have a mall with a babysitting/childcare area, you can take the kids there over lunch and have lunch out at a restaurant at the mall. I'm not sure this is as romantic as date night but it is one way to get the time. :)

[llcsis]

Can't agree more with Ellie: "Losing a good marriage is shockingly easy." Don't let it happen to you too please. There were some fabulous suggestions here - I love the shower one, as well as the "can I have Steve's number"- snort.

Continually distracted from getting anything done? That's my life. I'm considering tying myself on leash to whatever project I'm trying to finish.

[Shawna]

I would love to be able to offer a clever solution but Jared and I are sorely lacking in couple time. We have parents that live sort-of near, but just far enough that it is a pain in the butt to drop off the wee ones at their spectacularly child-unfriendly houses and then retrieve them again. They have never offered to come to our place to babysit and so we have asked them only when we absolutely had to for non-fun-related things.

Heck, at this point we don't even sleep in the same room as one of us always ends up in bed with our 18-month-old in his room after he inevitably wakes during the middle of the night, so it's easier on everyone just to start the night there rather than zombie-shuffle over after being woken from a dead sleep.

What saves us, actually, is the fact we end up driving places together, and we talk in the car. The non-babysitting grandparents do at least have us regularly for dinner, and we usually time the drive so the kids nap in the car, leaving it quiet enough to catch up on each other's lives. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's what we make do with for now. In a few weeks though, we're going to Beaches Boscobel in Jamaica, and it sounds like the resort has some child-friendly features similar to the place you went in Vermont last year... woohoo!

[Monica]

I think the co-op with other parents is a great idea! But I do have another idea....do you know any 20-something females(or males might work, I don't mean to be sexist, it's just that females tend to have the ticking clock more often)?

I am 24 and no where near ready to have children...but I LOVE them. So I babysit for my bosses (kids are 4,3, and 1) for free when they need me. I also babysit for free for anyone with babies or toddlers, because there is nothing more adorable then a few hours with children, especially when you're nowhere near having them yourself.

Because I'm willing to sit for free, people generally are willing to let me make my own rules. They check days/nights with me first, and then make plans accordingly. This works out pretty well for everyone. I also always bring along my boyfriend, because he's a much better cook/cleaner than I am. And I'm much better with babies. Granted, I have a lot of babysitting experience and we are both very responsible for our ages, so people tend to not worry about leaving their children with us.

It's also a lot of fun for us. We aren't really the wild and crazy sort....more the boardgame sort, so playing with children is right up our alley. And there is no better feeling then rocking a little one to sleep. Especially to someone who knows they won't have that for a while. So there's an idea.

I'd love to do the same for you, but Ohio and MN aren't very close! Nonetheless, good luck!!! And btw, your children are unbelievably precious!

[Cardinal]

Much cheaper than Date Night is Date Breakfast. One of us drops the kids at daycare and meets the other at a local diner. We spend an hour and then go to work. Breakfast is cheaper than dinner at any restaurant and there's no need for a sitter because we already pay for daycare.

[Kelly]

There are almost no opportunities around here for babysitters (just one, and only for major things) so we don't get out much. The only real chance we have is every few months a relative will visit and part of their payment for the joys of seeing our angels is they have to see them without us around for a day/afternoon/dinner/evening/something. It's not much, but it's all we get.

We also have the common hobby that, after the boys are in bed (school has pushed that back to a blessed 6:30 which stretches to 7-7:30 after storytime) we watch anime together or read manga online or he plays his RPG games and I sit next to him and knit. It's not the productive, active togetherness we used to have, but it's there. During the summer, when hubby gets home from work, we walk the garden together and marvel at the foods we're growing - it's only a few minutes, but they're some of my favourite minutes of the day.

[beyond]

if you went to see a couple's therapist (and i don't mean to imply that you need to!) he would prescribe date night. one a week, no exceptions. it's money well spent.
your kids are so cute. i love edward's overalls and stripes outfit. a classic.

[H]

My hubby and I had this discussion (about us time) on our drive home Sunday. Even talk time has been scarce lately. We both work full-time and have awful commutes.

But as much as I love my husband, I hate giving up an evening with my kids to a sitter after they've been in day care all week. My favorite thing is to get them into bed, then sneak off to a movie with my hubby. We stay up late together when we can, too.

Truly, finding a good, fun, reliable sitter is hard. Now that my wee one is out of infancy, though, it should be easier, I just need to ask around. And I really must talk to our neighbors about kid-swapping once a month. Their two are the same ages as our two and they all get along like houses on fire.

[Trista]

My husband and I are in the same boat - we see each other all the time but don't spend as much time together as we'd like. It's the old "ships passing in the night."

Lately we've instituted two changes - one is finding a cheap, responsible, occasional babysitter, so that we can go out sometimes without having to ask family to look after our daughter. We were only comfortable with this idea recently (our daughter is almost 18 months) and we use a girl that was referred through a friend, so that we can have dinner at a restaurant or got to a movie. It's an extra cost, but sometimes it's worth it.

The other thing we do now is have at home 'date nights.' Sometimes on Saturday nights once the baby is in bed,we make an antipasto-style dinner that we graze through with a bottle of wine while playing board games. It's much more interactive than watching tv, and we actually get to talk while playing. It's turned out to be inexpensive, a lot of fun, and we really look forward to it. It's not as glamourous as nights out, but we enjoy it.

[Rbelle]

We don't have kids yet, so every night is "our" time right now, but weekends tend to involve us each in our own space for long stretches of time. So one thing we do that's a little out of the ordinary is play Yahtzee during breakfast. Usually just one game, but you can do it one-handed, so you can still eat, and it gets us in a fun, if somewhat competitive mood for the rest of the day. Something similar might work after you get the kids to bed - fix a snack, or a drink, or hot chocolate, sit down and play a round of your favorite card game, or whatever. It never takes us more than 20 minutes, but we are interacting, which is what's important.

[Meredith]

2009 was particularly cruel to us financially. The Year of Financial Ruin, I affectionately call it. Husband laid off for 4 months, ran through all our savings, and now he's got a great job..4 hours away. So he lives someplace else 5 days a week, and 1 weekend a month. So the whole 6 days a month I get to spend with my husband are full of kids and trying to re-discover a normalcy in a house of 4 instead of 2. Date nights aren't happening b/c we can't afford a sitter. SO we stay in. A lot. And are working on our neighborhood friendships so we can act like adults while the kids entertain each other. I have plans for a date in 2010, though, so I'll let you know how that goes...

[Kristin]

Hey, you clean the way I do.

A heads up about the train tracks...Thomas tracks are uber expensive. Any generic wooden train tracks including the ones available at Wal-Mart will work with them. I only buy specialty pieces from Thomas and everythign else is generic.

[Elin]

The husby turned to me last night after I'd snapped at him for the fourth time and said, "I realize you're really tired and cranky, but could you please just stop snapping at me? I really don't like it - I'm just as tired as you..."

We have been very bad lately about getting out together, and VERY bad about staying IN together.

My response was "Take me to bed, or lose me forever, dammit!"

I'm in a MUCH better mood today than I've been in a few weeks, if you know what I mean (and I know that you do).

Seriously, all the responses are so right on. I realize with the cold, the kids, money etc, it's hard to get out for a date, so maybe just make the effort to sequester yourselves in the bedroom for a few hours with candles, wine, whatever floats your boat.

[Nicole]

Well, it costs us an arm and a leg and we don't go to movies because we are afraid that if it is a bad film than we have spent 100 dollars on the evening (between the sitter, the tickets, parking, and a box of
Jujubees) and not even had a chance to talk, but we get a sitter about once a week for a night out. On the positive side, our current sitter is a treasure since the minute the kids are distracted or asleep, she cleans like a demon. When we get home, the house is sparkling and she is generally halfway through my ironing pile. Obviously, she is not a high school girl looking for pocket money...
My husband's family is French and while I mostly find them insane, there is one bit of their insanity that I love- French grandparents, almost as a rule, take the grandchildren during school holidays. I think the basis of this idea was to help out a dual-income family who has no daycare option. I don't work but I love it because twice a year, my husband and I go on a vacation without the kids. The last trip was a godsend as the baby hadn't slept a full night in MONTHS and we spent the first week just catching up on sleep (and other things that you do in bed when you are not frantically trying to force yourself into deep REM. You seem to have lovely parents- wouldn't they like to play French for a week or so?

[Emily]

We try to play a morning card game together - spite and malice. It's mindless, but gets us sitting and talking each morning for 15 minutes. Sometimes when in need of time together we put the kids to bed, watch a DVD together and have yummy snack food and wine. That works if you have the same love of snack food that I do.

[Anne]

I am fortunate to have family close by so babysitting is easy -- although we still need to pay attention and make sure we're actually using it to spend some quality time together -- but may I suggest that you don't need to go out for date night? If the kids are in bed by 8:30, that gives you several hours to devote to each other. Maybe you designate one night a week where there is no bill-paying or email-checking and you do something fun together?

[Chris]

I once spilled a small amount of water on the keyboard of my work computer. 3 weeks later I couldn't get the thing to type properly. Confused, I asked my co-worker to take a look. She said, "didn't you spill water in it a few weeks ago?" "Yes!" I replied....at which point she reminded me that it was a small amount of water and surely I'd immediately turned the keyboard upside down and left it there to dribble out/dry up. "What?" I said. Exactly.

A month ago I dropped our 5 month old laptop (for the second time) and it hit our hardwood floors in such a manner that the screen shattered and the thing couldn't even be turned on or off. It was a Dell Studio. I couldn't have been happier - seriously.

A & B turned 3 in November. 2 was challenging and yet so much fun. So far 3 is, well, I feel the way your computer felt when that coffee hit it.

[Sandra]

Oh, hi Julia! I missed you! Is that a little weird? Well, my true feelings :-) Okay, so what do we do? Hm, I work full-time and so does the hubby. We're exhausted by the weekend; however, we sacrifice sleep and stay up watching a movie and eating popcorn. On the rare occasion that we get to go out, my MIL watches the kids (3 of them). We only do this rarely though (maybe every few months). We like to do crossword puzzles because that allows us to interact. It's hard isn't it? I hope you're able to find a solution.

As always your children are Beautiful, just Beautiful.

[Christiana]

I am so glad that everything is okay. I didn't want to harass you, but when you left off posting for so long... so glad you and your computer are back!

The kids are adorable, as always.

As far as date night goes - there are a few options that I can advise from my own experience. One is that you can do a date night once a month (what we do, as far as a formal night out). You'd have to budget for it, of course, but you can do all sorts of things to keep the costs down. Make a meal of appetizers at a restaurant, do only water or water and wine and if you want something stronger, mix it when you get home.
Eat dinner w/ the kids and head out to your local bookstore after (I prefer Borders and they're open late, except on Sundays, and they have coffee drinks). You can leisurely sit and read magazines and books, silently or w/ quiet discussion.
Go for a walk. I know it's cold, but it would take less than an hour, there is no cost except for a minimal babysitting expense, etc.

I know you know this, but your marriage is really the most important aspect of your family. You 2 are the glue that holds everyone else together.

[Fernanda]

Date night is PRICELESS!
I pay my babysitter monthly, 50 bucks a night, and no time limit!!
She comes every tuesday and I spend the rest of the week looking forward to that!!!
The money is worth my sanity and the quality time spent with my husband!

[Leigh]

So nice to have you back after the break! Your kids are so adoroable, I love, love, love that picture of Caroline. She clearly knows her worth!!

[Naomi]

Land's End stalks me, too. The only other merchant that even comes close to the stalkerish hounding I get from Land's End: Sierra Trading Post. I want to send Sierra Trading Post a note saying Look, if you list those fabulous striped Smartwool socks again, or more of those Sorel shearling ankle boots in size 11, give me a call but otherwise I know where to find you so just leave me alone! And the only reason to want the Land's End mail is the magical free shipping that comes included in almost all of them. Except, for some reason, every time I realize I actually NEED something, I'm between free shipping offers. They need to just declare me a Platinum Shopper based on the gazillions of dollars I spend at their store and permanently waive all my shipping costs and STOP E-MAILING ME.

[Clarity]

Oh thank god it was the computer and not you who died over Christmas, I was starting to worry :D

Husband and I would have to sell a kid to afford a sitter, so date night is something we talk about a lot but never do.

We usually watch a movie once a week and try to watch football on sunday night, and whenever the glue (or dried food or kid-snot) that usually holds us together starts to give way we put the kids to bed, get a 6 pack, crank up the stereo super loud, and dance like we're 18 yo club kidz on extacy then....well I'll stop there but you get the idea. Has kept us together so far anyway!

[Monica C.]

We have a live-in nanny and don't have Date Nights.

We tried it for awhile, but it just fizzled away (like so much else).

We do like to travel together, so we sometimes go away for the weekend sans kiddoes, which is nice.

Having children = best thing ever, in my life = death to my marriage = lifesaver for my marriage (only reason why I'm still married).

Whew, I feel better! (love keeping it real)

[Kathleen]

You're both at home and the twins still nap. That is your answer. Start scheduling lunch dates. And don't each lunch. Ahem.

By the time the kids are in bed, you're both too tired to really focus on each other.

Also, try a babysitter in the afternoon. Then you really can go eat lunch together (or not, no judgement of what you and Steve want to do out of your house at noon on a Saturday.)