They... WHAT?

Patrick's school called on Friday. When it comes to inducing parental panic the sight of one's elementary school in caller ID is second only to that of a sheriff's deputy coming up the front walk and the fact that it was the principal on the phone did nothing to quell my anxiety. My knuckles were white when I answered but after a couple of minutes I realized that Patrick was not lying in a pool of gore nor was he being accused of subversion. Beyond that I hadn't the slightest idea what the problem was because although the principal spoke volubly and at length she seemed strangely reluctant to come to the point. That there had been an "incident" in the classroom I gathered. That Patrick was not responsible I was further reassured. But what, exactly, had happened? I hadn't the faintest freaking idea.

Eventually after many soothing uhhmmm-hmmmm's on my part she got to the point and when she managed to choke out "mother" "spelling" "shower" and "movie" I suddenly realized what the deal was and I am ashamed to admit that I laughed like a ten year old boy.

It goes like this:

As I think I mentioned, Patrick's class got to write and film short little movies for their spelling assignment this week. Patrick's movie was about a Lego town called Sassinium and an ill-fated resident named Mr Firehead who kept setting houses ablaze with his, you know, head made of fire. I thought the dialogue was quite snappy although a purist might criticize the film on the basis of the camerawork because large chunks of Patrick's movie featured the rug when he forgot to point the camera and talk at the same time.

But anyway

The kids all made movies and they have been watching a couple each day in class and on Friday they saw the last of them. One kid (and I am DYING to know which one for gossipy reasons that will shortly be evident) screened his movie. It ended. The video cut out and then cut back in again and before Patrick's teacher could get to the player the entire second grade class was treated to a view of a woman who was most extremely naked. The family who has just started driving Patrick partway home (more on that later) got the call from the teacher rather than the principal and - in addition to saying he was so embarrassed he could die - the teacher reported that the first thing he knew one kid had shouted, "Hey that's a butt!" and another kid yelled, "That's my mom!"  The version I got from the principal had lead me to believe that the poor lady was simply taking a shower and had been caught unawares but further conversation with our new friends revealed that the snippet was much more adult in content. She was "taking a shower" if you follow me.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Every time I think about it I cringe. Somewhere out there is this veritable heroine who is managing to find the time and the energy to keep the spark alive (clearly at least one family at Patrick's school is not as desperate for Date Night as the rest of us - nudge nudge) and now this happens. I can only wonder how long it took the principal to get to the point when she called the woman who had done the cameo: 

"So there was an incident..."

"Yes?"

"Involving the second grade class..."

"Yes?"

"Seeing an inappropriate video..."

"Yes?"

"Of you."

*clunk*

I sympathize utterly although oh my god. I am also giggling. Thought I would share. Steve and I have a bet on what the overall parental reaction will be. What do you think?

Comments

[Molly]

I'd have paid to see that!

[kathy]

O holy cow. On one hand, yay for keeping the adult time going, on the other - tighter controls on such material needed!! Treat it like weaponry, keep it in a locked safe or something.

[Sylvie]

This is equal parts terribly cringy and urban myth... I am amazed that things like this actually happen! You must let us know the parent reaction in a post script in the next days.

[melissa in NY]

Laughing so hard that I am snorting. Husband laughed but stopped suddenly....he is hatching a plan, I think!

[Ewokmama]

Oh gosh that is hilarious! Awful but hilarious!!

[Emma]

HIL-arious. You can't make this stuff up. I hope the other parents see the poor mama as a heroine of sorts, as you do. If not, it could get ugly!

[Melissa H]

HILARIOUS (but that poor, poor woman). I don't think the second graders are permanently ruined :)

[Molly Chase]

Okay, I just had to lay down on the couch to laugh for awhile. Too much. I love it.

[cee]

a) OH MY GOD

b) I love that the Lego town was named Sassinium, is that in honour of his friend Sassy?

[Grace]

My favorite part is:
"Hey that's a butt!"
"Hey, that's my mom!"

I can't stop laughing.

[Denise]

Yet another reason not to indulge one's exhibitionist/voyeur tendencies. Oh. My. Freaking. God.

What do you think the reaction will be? Feigned shock? A call for blood? Or will all the dads from that class start driving past the naked mother's house, slowly, hoping to get a glimpse...

[kara]

"That's my mom!" ...*OMG*

How very unfortunate (!) and simultaneously hilarious (!!). I would not be concerned for my own child but am doubtful the parents of Patrick's classmates would agree.

Is there any way that you could, technological compatibility and internet cooperativity permitting, please post Patrick's movie for our viewing enjoyment? I will make popcorn!

[Sandra]

I'm trying to look into my crystal ball to see what nicknames will emerge for the son of said exhibitioninst...

[victoria]

Oh, dear God. That poor woman. I feel for her. If I were she I might move my kid to a different school just so I would never have to see anyone from that second grade class again.

[Ruth]

Oh stars above. That story will be repeated in that school for YEARS TO COME.

[Catherine]

If this happened at my son's school there would be, I'm sure, a lynch mob on this woman's front lawn. But I have to admit...I.THINK.IT'S.HILARIOUS!

[Elsha]

Oh WOW. Who knew stuff like that ever happened outside of urban legends?

[Stephanie]

I want to know the series of events that led the parents to (accidentally) give the kid their sex tape to record over.

[Fairly Sar]

This story made my day.

[txmama]

Oh...GOD! I am laughing so hard. That poor woman. Yet again, why one should never, ever, ever make such videos. Ever.

[Deanna]

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA

Wait, let me compose myself.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Hee. Okay. If it was my kid's class that saw the tape, I wouldn't care. But we're very open about bodies and such. I actually think a lot of the parents will be too embarrassed to kick up much of a fuss.

[caro]

I am just surprised that people in the tony suburbs still use *tapes* to record their kiddie documentaries / home sex videos. Shocking.

[Lisa]

That's hilarious! Poor woman! I wouldn't be upset if it was my kid (not that I have a kid yet) for what it's worth.

[Noelle]

Bwahahahahaha!!! Julia, I've been chuckling since Friday, but now I cannot stop laughing! Hey, at least the kid's not a budding 'auteur' if you know what I mean. BUT THE PARENTS! Agh! What has Patrick said about it all? DO you think the class will be making any more home movies to share anymore?? I hope the other parents don't flip out that their super special snowlfakes were 'spoiled'.....

[Noelle]

Hahahaha! Better than "Weeds"....

I'm still laughing! That poor woman!

[NGS]

If this happened at the school I teach at, the parents would be all over demanding the teacher's resignation for not screening it BEFORE class.

But I think it's hilarious. In a poor, poor, poor woman kind of way.

[Sheri]

Awesome....just awesome. Can't stop laughing. Poor woman. (giggle)

[zerch]

I just hope the "butt" belonged to the child's dad! LOL

[Helen]

All hail the nudey butt lady...there but for the grace of god go most of us. the irony is that most of the kids will have seen worse on tv! I hope the poor woman doesn't get ostracised for this - if you do find out please tell her that she has a lot of sympathetic (if vicarious)friends.

[Anjali]

That's so funny! And I'm sure the teachers and administrators at that school will have many years of laughter when referring to video projects.

[Jennifer]

I keep turning this around in my head, trying to get my brain around it. First of all, the poor teacher! And the principal--can you IMAGINE having to call all those parents?! And that poor kid whose parents did this to him/her! But every time I think about it I laugh harder.

Oy. I do hope that the other parents can show some compassion to the parent in the, um, video. I personally think it's far funnier than upsetting, but I can see the cause for scandal and consequences. If it had been my daughter's 2nd grade classroom, I think some of the parents (you know, the ones with no sense of humor) would have formed a lynch mob and had the kid expelled.

Oh my. That really IS quite a story, Julia!

[Betty M]

Ohh that made me giggle!

[spacemom]

We would TOTALLY BE ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.

2nd grade? WTF? do you think that they care sexually? Nah, but that poor poor kid when his friends figure it out at age 12... That poor poor kid.

Who the hell leaves that tape where you child can find it? It should be hidden with the hustlers...

[Katelyn]

Oh of those stories that couldn't be any better if you'd made it up! How funny!

[MsCellania]

This has been a really good, gut-busting laugh!
When Patrick's new school said they guaranteed him an over-the-top education, they meant on EVERY subject!
I think this will soon be forgotten with the kids. Everyone takes a shower, after all. The parents will never forget it. I hope there is no snickering and whispers of "Prejean!" following that woman. Tempting though it would be...

[lb]

My sympathies lie with poor unfortunate Mr Firehead. He would fit right in in our Lego town. I think he would make friends with the four-headed dog who guards the gates of our Lego-Hades. You know, Fourberus? I'd love to see the video too, if that's technologically possible.

As for the naked woman, I'm sure she'll be wearing a paper bag over her head at all future school functions. The poor woman. Still, a valuable lesson learned about not being a total idiot and letting your kid use pornographic tapes of you for school projects.

[Jacqui]

Oh my. Boy, you can imagine the nicknames that poor kid's going to have for the rest of his schooling life. 10-to-1 the parents pull him and move, you'd kind of have to wouldn't you? Personally I wouldn't care if it happened in my daughter's classroom and I wouldn't be baying for the teacher's blood either, but I imagine there will be the self-righteous and permanently-offended having a field day. Though actually, as someone above commented, perhaps it's just so embarrassing that people won't really want to talk about it in public! I'm still laughing though, just the mental picture of all those kids and that coming on the screen, the teacher lunging for the projector...

[winecat]

OMG, that was hysterical! Are the kids parents packed and moving to perhaps Argentina?
While I'm sure most parents would find it as funny as the rest of us there will unfortunately be a few who are sure their second grader is ruined, ruined I tell you for life!

And the principal "there as been an incident" I almost fell off my chair laughing.

[SarahB]

I'm trying to imagine the conversation between the parents in the video and their child when the kid got home (or after the phone call)...

That is amazing.

[Anne]

Unless the teachers and parents make a big deal of it, my guess is that the kids will be far more interested in--and remember much more vividly--the films that they themselves produced.

[janonymous]

I am horrified on her behalf, yet amused.

It does come close on the heels of your asking "dating" advice...So come on, Julia, you can tell us: IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT????????

[Rebecca]

LOLOLOL "taking a shower"

[Trisha]

I have a feeling the teacher is going to get a lot of the blame for not screening the videos before showing them. But who would have ever thought, you know?

[Pam L]

I imagine that 29 out of 30 sets of parents will inwardly think this is funny and be OH so GLAD it wasn't them, while one set , sadly, will not. Outwardly all will try to play it down, forget it, except perhaps the one set who will be wanting the teacher's head. I mean that movie and subsequent call, would still be worse than the one I got when my son was in middle school and the school "resource" officer called to tell me my son had taken his OJ to school that day with the extra added bonus of a shot of bourbon in it.Imagine my surprise, chagrin, disbelief and exasperation while he tried to make me feel better by telling me it was an "age thing" that happens with kids. Not MY kids I said, which of course was no longer true.

[Brenda]

funny on so many levels. why didn't the parents screen the movie before it went to school. That poor teacher. When I got to the sentence spelling shower I thought Patrick had done why my son Brent had done. Decorated the boys bathroom. He and his friend had to stay after school and clean the bathroom.

[sarah]

i rather like the exchange between patrick and her child...

"... butt"
"... mom"

the poor dear.

but personally, i agree that at least that woman cares enough to make sex a priority, because if my husband suggested that he'd quickly find that i am TOO BUSY to do anything other than wash my parts in a utilitarian way... but he can film it if he wants an instructional video on hygiene. you know?

[jenn]

Oh. Oh MY. Wow. I'm trying to put myself in that poor woman's position but having trouble due to my whole "never appearing on film naked" policy (which has served me quite well). I assume they'll move. Honestly, I can't come up with any way to deal with THAT and move on in the community.

[Nicky at Not My Mother]

A) BWAHAHAHAHAHA Oh my god that is hilarious.

B) Was the kid that yelled out "Hey that's my mom!" the same one whose video was being played at that time? AND WHAT IF IT WASN'T???

C) BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

[ivfcycler]

ok, i thought i was laughing before, but after Nicky at Not My Mother's comment !!!

[Sheila Z]

Puts a whole new twist on, "Yo Momma..." jokes.