They... WHAT?

Patrick's school called on Friday. When it comes to inducing parental panic the sight of one's elementary school in caller ID is second only to that of a sheriff's deputy coming up the front walk and the fact that it was the principal on the phone did nothing to quell my anxiety. My knuckles were white when I answered but after a couple of minutes I realized that Patrick was not lying in a pool of gore nor was he being accused of subversion. Beyond that I hadn't the slightest idea what the problem was because although the principal spoke volubly and at length she seemed strangely reluctant to come to the point. That there had been an "incident" in the classroom I gathered. That Patrick was not responsible I was further reassured. But what, exactly, had happened? I hadn't the faintest freaking idea.

Eventually after many soothing uhhmmm-hmmmm's on my part she got to the point and when she managed to choke out "mother" "spelling" "shower" and "movie" I suddenly realized what the deal was and I am ashamed to admit that I laughed like a ten year old boy.

It goes like this:

As I think I mentioned, Patrick's class got to write and film short little movies for their spelling assignment this week. Patrick's movie was about a Lego town called Sassinium and an ill-fated resident named Mr Firehead who kept setting houses ablaze with his, you know, head made of fire. I thought the dialogue was quite snappy although a purist might criticize the film on the basis of the camerawork because large chunks of Patrick's movie featured the rug when he forgot to point the camera and talk at the same time.

But anyway

The kids all made movies and they have been watching a couple each day in class and on Friday they saw the last of them. One kid (and I am DYING to know which one for gossipy reasons that will shortly be evident) screened his movie. It ended. The video cut out and then cut back in again and before Patrick's teacher could get to the player the entire second grade class was treated to a view of a woman who was most extremely naked. The family who has just started driving Patrick partway home (more on that later) got the call from the teacher rather than the principal and - in addition to saying he was so embarrassed he could die - the teacher reported that the first thing he knew one kid had shouted, "Hey that's a butt!" and another kid yelled, "That's my mom!"  The version I got from the principal had lead me to believe that the poor lady was simply taking a shower and had been caught unawares but further conversation with our new friends revealed that the snippet was much more adult in content. She was "taking a shower" if you follow me.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Every time I think about it I cringe. Somewhere out there is this veritable heroine who is managing to find the time and the energy to keep the spark alive (clearly at least one family at Patrick's school is not as desperate for Date Night as the rest of us - nudge nudge) and now this happens. I can only wonder how long it took the principal to get to the point when she called the woman who had done the cameo: 

"So there was an incident..."

"Yes?"

"Involving the second grade class..."

"Yes?"

"Seeing an inappropriate video..."

"Yes?"

"Of you."

*clunk*

I sympathize utterly although oh my god. I am also giggling. Thought I would share. Steve and I have a bet on what the overall parental reaction will be. What do you think?

Comments

[andrea]

I am WETTING myself! I hope the woman stays at that school. Even helps in the classroom. Now that is a heroine!

[Stacy]

I truly think it's effing hilarious!
And I am a parent! A dirty minded one, but still! Hilarious!

[Stacy]

And also, yes, jealous of the fact that someone doesn't need a date night as much as I do.

[stardust]

OH my gosh! Clunk indeed! I only lurk here but had post.

You made me laugh on a day I thought had no humor. THANKS

[Betsy]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

I'm snorking away here while I feel horrifically bad for that poor kid's mom. She must be absolutely mortified and, even if everyone else forgets in a week or two (and they will) she will assume that every sideways look is about That Incident.

But? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

I would have laughed like a ten year old, too, if it helps.

[Meegan]

Oh, that poor woman. Oh, that poor kid! He's going to remember that moment for the rest of his life. And it's only going to get more complicated as he learns about "taking a shower". Oh, shit. Back to the mom again, who might, at one point in time, have to explain "taking a shower". Oh it just keeps getting both funnier and more tragic. Please post a follow-up!

[Linda]

OH, now THAT is funny! I cringe for the mom, for the teacher, for the principal, and for the kid, who will always be known as "the one who's mom was in that video." Teehee

[Cheryl]

OMG! I can barely breathe after reading this post and the comments.

HOW AWFUL. But so, so funny.

[Trista]

AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA this had made my day. I think anyone who has a sense of humour will take this in stride, and probably have some sort of explanatory conversation with their kid (although HOW you explain that...beyond me....I wouldn't be able to stop giggling long enough to be coherent anyway) - hopefully most 9 year olds wouldn't be totally freaked out by the sight of a naked woman (and also won't be savvy enough to get exactly what kind of "shower" was going on). I love it - "That's my mom!" Hahahahaha!

[Chris]

Somebody has to be the one, right?

[lizneust]

ACK!!

That's all I've got. Just - ACK!!!!

[J]

Grade 2 (second grade) kids probably won't remember it as anything more than the time they saw ___'s mom naked in that video (like Trista said above, they probably won't ken to the sexual bit). If it had been a class of 12 year olds, however...
But seriously:
"That's a butt!"
"That's my mom!"
You couldn't write something better.

[Helen]

OMG. lol

[Melynda]

I have a different take on this: she's lucky!

After all, she'll find out really fast who's cool and who's not in that town. She'll know soon if there are any who will step forward to support her. I'll wager a small group of women (and men) who aren't afraid of sexuality or of what Mrs. Grundy thinks will do so.

She has an opportunity to find and connect with these new friends. How many of us ever have such an opportunity? I just hope she has the strength of character to use the incident to separate the human wheat from the chaff.

[JustLinda]

OK, here's the plan: at the next PTO meeting, take inventory. Which mother is NOT there? She's a suspect. Which mother is there and is beet red the whole time? Suspect.

This will take a lot of cloak-and-dagger detective work, but I think by process of elimination we can figure it out.

Could Patrick IDENTIFY the butt in a line-up? That may be necessary.

We'll get the to bottom of this! (oh, how I love a good pun.)

[Kristin]

Omg my Gawd, truly hilarious. All I know is I think I would die of embarrassment if it was me on the video. As for a reaction if it happened in my kids class, I wouldn't be upset at all. I mean it isn't like it was done on purpose.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

What *I* think is that I am laughing so hard it started me coughing! Bwahahaha!

Further than that, I think the teacher should have had the brains to screen the little darlings' presentations PRIVATELY before showing them to the class. I mean, good grief, little kids and a camera ... it could have been ANYTHING on that screen! LOL!

[Special K]

And to think most sitcom writers would consider that scenario "too unlikely". Hahahaha!

[Dara]

My 7 year old daughter loves to make movies!! However....she also like to barge in on me in the bathroom with all my abundant pregnant parts on display. I have to check the camera nightly and delete, delete, delete!

[jackie]

I know I'm going to sound completely clueless but can someone please explain 'taking a shower'. I'm not prudish but I just don't get it.... duh!!!

[QoB]

oh wow. an urban legend is born (I'm telling this story to all my friends, by the way - credit to you, of course!).

[Liz]

OK lone voice of prudishness here. If my kid saw a video of an adult pleasuring themselves (that's what "taking a shower" meant, right?), even ever so briefly, I'd find it more concerning than hysterical. Somehow the fact that it was the mom rather than the dad makes it less offensive, but regardless I would want to know the specifics of what my child saw so that I could frame the discussion, because in my mind it needs to be discussed. To laugh it off and say nothing is to say that breaches of the "private parts" rules are to be ignored or hidden. That is not the message I want to send my kids. I imagine that the family will be getting a visit from child protective services- the school will be obligated to report that this child had access to Mom & Dad's movie. What a crummy thing to happen because of carelessness.

[llcsis]

I see the one in 30 has opted to post...
Thanks for sharing, I found this hilarious and it made my morning. The comments and some of their misinterpretations are just as funny!

[AnnaN]

Hilarious! And anyone who calls child protective services for a 5 second video clip of a misadventure is overreacting in the extreme. I also highly doubt that CPS makes house calls when kids who root around (as they are wont to do) stumble across mommy and/or daddy's pr0n stash.

A child of Patrick's age is going to find it nothing more than giggle worthy and will not progress past the "Hey, it's a butt!" /SNERK phase. (As do I.)

Not a teachable moment, IMO.

[MJ]

Laughing out loud. My first thought as you started describing what the principal said was that Patrick had caught you in the shower unawares, so I'm glad that's not it. I really do hope that most people laugh loudly, respond to their kid's questions, and then drop it.

[Jil]

The only one I feel sorry for is the child. That one is going to haunt him!

On another thought, I wonder if the teacher and principal watched the rest of it.

[Maria]

Oh, that poor woman. I hope it blows over quickly. It reminds me of the story my mom likes to tell about what happened in her Kindergarten class (she was the teacher), and in the 2nd grade class. A cop came to school to explain what police officers do, and was showing the kids the tools on his belt. When he got to the handcuffs, the kindergartner shouted, "I know what they are!! My parents have some and they take them on vacation!" Turns out he had a sibling in 2nd grade, and that kid announced the same thing. The teachers were equal parts hysterical and mortified on the parents' behalf. An awkward conversation was had, but that was it.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I guess I'm also a little clueless and I'm not entirely sure what "taking a shower" means. Was it solo, was it seductive showering, was it a golden shower, oh my, so many possibilities, each which would require a different kind of response? Oh well. I'm sure after the discussions of deities you had with Patrick, a little discussion of marital goings-on will be a lot easier.

[Cara]

All I could think was how relieved that principal must have been when you started laughing instead of yelling. I have no idea what the consensus will be, but I'm hoping its like your commenters - a mixture of humor and sympathy.

[Karen]

OH. MY. GOD. That poor woman. I'm thinking that the teachers at Patrick's school will think twice before recreating this home film project....

I'm still laughing. "That's a butt!" "That's my mom!"

BWAHAHAHAHA.

[Colleen]

At least part of how the kids react will be based on how the parents/school reacts. If it was treated casually by the teacher and simply turned off and the next video played, it would be less of an issue (for the kids) than if the teacher turned red, stammered, fell over her/himself to turn the thing off, etc. I wish the mom and her kid well and hope other parents see this as a humorous albeit unfortunate incident.

[Alli]

That poor woman must be mortified!!! I hope all the parents don't shun her too badly - because you know everyone knows who it is by now!

[Shelly]

I don't know screening all the videos doesn't seem like an appropriate use of time. Let's see 25 kids, and say, 5 minutes of video per kid (let's lowball because we know that some kids DO go on) that's 125 minutes of screening time that has to be done without kids present. Surely they could find more productive things to do for two hours than screening videos to make certain that some suburban hot pants forgot to remove the money shot.

[Kathleen]

OHMYGAWD!

I'm guessing that one set of parents will nearly die of shame, one set of parents will call CPS, the rest of the parents will alternate between laughing their arses off/feeling terrible for this woman and horrified that they got turned into CPS for what was clearly a simple case of forgetting to erase a video.

[Shawna]

Hee. That is too funny!

I have to admit though, when you said "She was "taking a shower" if you follow me." I couldn't quite manage it. I guess I'm trying to figure out if she was "taking a shower" ALONE, or if perhaps there was a father in there too, just obscured by the nekkid mom's butt. And if she had company, did any of the kids figure out what was going on?

OMG, could you imagine if there was a dude there but NOT THE FATHER!?!

[valarie]

Oh how terrible for everyone involved!(hysterical but terrible all at the same time!!!)

I agree with the post above that says that screening a whole classroom of movies would not be worth the time required. I'm sure the video was stopped quickly and that none of the kids will be damaged for life.

I wish the teacher and the family involved all the best and hope that the situation doesn't get too carried away.

[Shelly]

Sorry, that should have read "didn't forget to remove the money shot."

[Jan]

If she was masturbating without using an "assistance device," which I gather/hope for the kids' sakes, they aren't likely to know what was going on. Sexuality is so strange -- like a nose. It's just there and seems normal and useful until you really start thinking about it.

[Heather]

Precisely why my husband's dream will never be realized!
F'in high-larious!

[Chris]

I made my husband stop the movie we were watching last night so I could read him this post. Actually, he was annoyed at my giggling so he paused it and demanded I read it to him.

My favorite part also:

"Hey that's a butt!"
"Hey, that's my mom!"

I can't stop laughing.

[Lara]

CPS??? Really?? I probably should have been taken away from my parent's when I was Patrick's age and walked in on them making me a little brother. I had no idea what was going on until much, much later, and I think it's hilarious. I didn't get scarred for life seeing my mother's naked butt...it wasn't that big of a deal. I can't imagine feeling much differently if she was in the shower...it's just a body. That kind of shaming is why so many people these days have issues.

If Patrick was my kid, I'd be cracking up. I might ask him what he thought of it, just to see if he had any questions about anything, but an in-depth conversation is going to take his mind places it never would have gone otherwise. Also, I'd be like..."Which kid said 'That's my mom??' so I could know. And perhaps call and offer my support. hahaha

[Liz]

Oh I can't resist chiming in again. I guess the point I was trying to make was I don't expect a seven or eight year old to have the capacity to distinguish between the "ha ha it's ok" situation of homemade p*rn between a husband and wife accidentally shown at school and the "whoa it's so not okay" situation of a PE Teacher pulling kids into his office to show them naked pictures of himself and other children (a recent news story here). How does a child know that one is an innocent mistake and one is predatory? Don't we have to stop, get as much information as we can, and have conversations with our children when things pass the boundaries we've established?

Quite likely innocent, loving parents who made a mistake. Quite likely just a moment of carelessness, like any parent that ever forgot to lock the door during an amorous evening. But since it got to school, and it got to other people's kids, I think serious conversations have to occur to ensure that the lessons we've taught our kids about their right to privacy with their own bodies aren't undermined.

And yes, CPS. When I worked in childcare, we reported as a matter of course no matter what our gut said. Because I am not trained and I don't have the capacity to know when a child is in a questionable situation. I haven't seen it all before, but other people have. And if all I know about the situation is that a child of seven has access to p*rn at home, that feels to me like a time to say something to someone who knows more about such things.

[sara]

The kid will end up changing schools.

[Olivia]

That incident is worthy of a Desperate Housewives episode. So funny, and yet so embarassing for the mom in question.

[Marsha]

This is not going to end easily, I'm afraid. Yes, people should talk to their kids - about mistakes and privacy and kindness toward the child who ID'd the mom in question. And then it should end. See also: God, but for the grace of.

I fear, though, that the opportunity for slut-shaming will not be passed ungrabbed. She's a mom? Who has sex? Seems to like it? Dabbles in non-standard varieties? There are lots of folks who live to string up women with that set of attributes, if only as a misguided talisman against anyone finding out their particular proclivities. I hope this woman has lots of friends who will stand by her visibly and vocally. Sadly, I think she's going to really need them.

[Heather B.]

That was fantastic. I'm laughing so hard that one (yes, just one) of my eyes is tearing up.

[Cathy]

Having seen it all before and then some, this is really not something you want to bother DHR with. This is some thing you want to casually ask your child about to see if they have any questions and move on grateful it happened to somebody else. Those workers have way too much on their plates to have to waste time on such as this, and if it is called in a case will be opened. Trust me when I tell you that there is way too much real stuff going on to do more than giggle, feel sympathy for the mom and say, "there but for the grace of God go I!"

Meanwhile, OH.MY.DEAR.GOOD.GOD I don't know when I've laughed so hard. It has been so cold here for so long I thought joy would never come again!
"That's a butt"
"That's my mom!"
Dear Lord! That poor man (teacher)! I'll bet that woke him right up out of his second grade video snooze!

[Justin]

@Molly (1st comment): I'm pretty sure you can pay to see that... ;-)

This made my day. Made. My. Day.

(And since I'm commenting, let me add that my wife adores, adores, adores your blog, Julia. Thank you for brightening her day so often.)

[Ellie]

I keep coming back to this, in the hopes that it has become more explicable. It hasn't.

Were these kid movies on discs? VHS tapes? Did families send in their cameras? Upload the movies to a school website? How was it that the parents' film was right there with the child's? Clearly, I'm either technologically challenged or confused. Moving on ...

Screen the movies first? Yes, absolutely. I would have thought that was a given? Maybe not.

I tend to agree with those who say that, depending on what was seen and all, yes, some (parent-child) talks would be in order. I know I would, with my kids. Sexuality, boundaries, and so on. That's all really normal stuff; ought to be talked about, as far as I'm concerned, in general and under the circumstances.

I don't tend to find this screamingly funny (glass houses and all that). Sex is normal and healthy; but of course it is embarrassing to be caught out in such a situation. I feel for her.

[Jeanne]

that is the best phone call from the principal story OF ALL TIME.

it cannot be topped.

i cannot stop smirking.

god bless you for sharing.