Timely

Lately Edward has turned peevish. Is this what is meant by the Twos comma Terrible? We skipped this stage with Patrick (although we are deep in the Sevens, which can be uniquely annoying in its own right) and I had secretly put the lack of tantrums down to my superior parenting. My god Patrick was delightful at two - sweet and patient; curious without ever once getting into mischief. Edward, on the other hand, is acting like a sociopath and I am now secretly putting the surplus of tantrums down to my inferior parenting. Bummer and allow me to note for the millionth time what a comeuppance additional children can be - although! Edward eats anything, absolutely anything, so clearly Patrick's three vegetable, two fruit, some grains, all protein no sauce on anything ever diet is NOT MY FAULT.

Where was I?

Right. Freak Out City.

So one moment Edward will be sitting there looking at a book; the next he has leapt to his feet and is doing that rapid-stampy flashdance thing and screaming. Screaming. He starts somewhere around high C and then goes up and up until glass shatters and dogs howl in the distance. When he does it Steve retreats to his office. I try to ignore him with a bright, firm smile that slips to reveal incredulity and horror. Patrick attempts to tickle him or get him to bounce on the bed or read a different book... Patrick is actually excellent with toddlers now that I think about it. Only Caroline remains unaffected by Edward's bouts of temper. If anything she seems slightly amused as she picks delicately around his reverberating body (he is a purist and enjoys the classic form: flat on his back, body rigid, heels drumming against the floor, mouth stretched in a howl) and she slips off to pry open the bathroom door, scale the toilet and climb onto the sink for a toothbrush while the rest of us are distracted. Caroline spends most of her time plotting ways to get into the bathroom. She loves to brush her teeth.

I was hoping that the new and unimproved Edward was resulting from his speech issues. Maybe the past six months of Caroline conversing smoothly and easily while he struggled to unglue his tongue from the roof of his mouth had unhinged his nice round brain a little

[Caroline and Edward are sitting on my lap looking at pictures online.

Edward: Buh!

Me: Yes, Edward that's a bird!

Caroline, coolly: It's a bald eag-hull. Hi bald eag-hull! Fly your nest!

Edward: ****

Me: Right! Next!]

I have been worried that Eddybear has been feeling frustrated by his inability to articulate very well and I have been making an extra effort when he starts to get mad about something to ask him what? What? WHAT my darling WHAT? I have been facetiously employing the expression "use your words" with Steve for over a decade; I now say it with utter sincerity fifty times a day. Steve pointed out that based on the look of inhuman rage that accompanies Edward's outbursts those words are probably "I hate you and your assface" but I thought even that would be better than the screaming.

For the first six weeks of speech therapy Edward was pleasant but uncooperative with his therapist. He watched her politely like bad performance art and got embarrassed - as you do - when she tried to get him involved. After every session she would tell me that they had had fun playing with the toys but he refused to imitate her and she would urge me to work with him on this at home. I wasn't quite sure what to do because he would imitate us - within reason - so we decided to wait it out and eventually he must've decided she wasn't trying to kidnap him or trick him into an indiscretion or anything because he suddenly started responding to her. The past two weeks have been amazing and he has rapidly gone from adding those ending consonants (moooooN! tiiiiiiMe! uP!) to two and three words phrases of some clarity.

I'm not sure if the increased ability to make himself understood is helping or not. On the one hand he threw a fit about wanting raisins yesterday - while I was in the very act of getting him the damned raisins - that had to be seen to be believed. On the other he stopped mid-fit as I was getting him dressed this morning when I asked if he wanted to unzip his own pajamas.

"Oh-tay," he said, all relieved like, finally. 

This is where I would insert a picture of Edward building a train track with Green Puppy and about to go Vesuvian but unfortunately typepad keeps telling me that my file has been rejected. Not sure what that is about. 

+

Caroline is delightful but she is giving up her nap and it is killing me. Every day I deposit her in her crib and every day I have to come rescue her an hour later when it becomes obvious that she is not going to fall asleep. She keeps it together marginally well for the rest of the afternoon but by dinner time she is a mess. Last night she put her head down on the table, covered her eyes with two small pieces of salmon and stayed like that.

She has a few new phrases that are very cute:

1. Bubble bees

2. Graham snackers

3. G-H-I-J-Caroline!

It reminds me of my childhood friend Katie who once went to the beach at Cupcake Cod.

This is where I would put that darling picture of Caroline smiling all sweet and pretty but... . 

+

Our man in Havana - or the second grade as the case may be - had lost interest in his friends' spelling movies long before the shower scene so my conversation with Patrick on the subject of grownups and privacy and butts was necessarily brief.

I asked how the spelling movies were. He said fine. I asked if anything unusual had happened. He said no. I said that the principal had called to tell me that a mix-up had resulted in one of the movies showing a woman in the shower and I just wanted to know if he had any questions about that. He said, "Really?" Then he laughed. Then he looked at me thoughtfully and I said, "So help me if you ever think it is funny to take a picture of anyone in this family while they are in the bathroom you will be in more trouble than you have ever encountered in your life... ever." He lost his look of foxy contemplation and wandered off. And that was that.

So I know nothing further but I continue to be mildly amused. As far as ramifications go there have been none. I think the fact that this is a magnet school that pulls from a far-flung population reduced gossip. I was able to figure out which kid it is and it so happens that the child is one that Patrick has expressed interest in having over to play so... it's possible I may find out more later. Maybe.

+

I read an article in the Washington Post this week about working mothers and time management. I do not - for the record - consider myself to be a working mother. I have been fortunate to get some freelance work this past year and might have the option to do more (next up: a something something about time that I cannot find the time to contemplate let alone write - isn't that the fly on your wedding day) but 900% of my day is childcare and tidying and it seems like mere posturing to pretend otherwise. So the article (I'll link it but I think the Post requires a login) was written by a woman who obviously has a far healthier career than mine plus two children and a life that involves birthday parties and yoga; and it covers her incredulity at being told by a time management expert (funniest line of the article comes when the author points out that the so-called leisure time he identified didn't feel leisurely: "I just measure time. I'm not a chrono-therapist") that the average working woman has 30 hours of leisure time a week. It's an amusing piece and I sympathized utterly but the thing that struck me most is the fact that of the 28 leisure hours he found in her week's time diary 18 of those hours were spent with her children. As. If.

Clearly I love Caroline and Edward and Patrick more than I love salt but as much as I enjoy spending time with them I have to confess that I don't really see it as leisure. I sat on the couch before lunch and read books to the twinkles for a solid hour. I... guess this is leisure time? Is it work if I enjoy it? What if I liked the Don't Let the Pigeon books but hated Beady Bear (worst. scansion. ever.) Now that we are liberated from the notion that the only labor is paid labor how do you qualify free time? I like playing Quiddler with Patrick; I hate playing chess with him. I consider the one to be pleasurable and the other falls under the general heading of Responsibilities subheading Parental subsubheading Unpleasant. I'm not sure where I am going with this, just musing. One of the women interviewed for the piece said: "So you live in a dirty house. You say, no, we don't make homemade cookies. You enjoy your kids, enjoy your work. And know that [the time squeeze] can't last forever." In theory this sounds nice but.. I dunno. I suppose the idea that we throw off the oppressive shackles of traditional anti-feminist roles by letting the dishes stack up in the sink while we give our family the gift of ourselves is appealing but frankly it seems ludicrous. I acknowledge freely that I've got an Issue with tidiness (clutter makes me feel like my life is out of control and nothing annoys me more than fishing through laundry baskets to find clean socks) but sooner or later even the most lackadaisical person is going to need use one of those dishes, right? Is life just a merry free-for-all of quality time when you stop cleaning?

So today's discussion question is leisure time and do you have any and do you think it depends on personal nuanced definitions? Does it matter if you work or work and have children or don't work or don't have children? Like, does the fact that I have the kids at home all day every day make me less likely to see time spent together as downtime than someone who does other things with their days? Right now I am obsessed with making bread so I find doing so a pleasure; making dinner is mostly a drag - both feed us.

On a vaguely tangential note I invite you to check out the brilliantly written Irretrievably Broken. It's a... well, go read it. 

[And this is where I would put a final picture of Caroline and Edward and Patrick in their pajamas, lying on their stomachs studying a ladybug.]

Edited:

AH HA!

I broke the cardinal rule of tech support and I should be ashamed: Thou Shalt First Reboot.

 

 

PS Noticed two pointy tooth bumps poking through in the back of Edward's mouth. Maybe he's just getting molars and is not a potential ax murderer. Will advise.

Comments

[Steph]

I am a stay at home mom . . leisure time to me means no one ages 8 or 4 are with me and I'm doing something for me or about me. (Getting my hair colored . . wandering around Target for as long as I want . . etc.)

Your kids are darling.

I would attribute the meltdowns to communication issues. (Is he a good eater ? . . sometimes when my kids were hungry they would have meltdowns.)

[cherylc]

That post at Irretrievably Broken went straight to my heart. I don't think she's entirely right (my kids do appreciate when I'm home), but boy, it's close.

[Cee]

Caroline looks like a little girl, not a baby anymore! I also love the cat imperiously watching the children/hiding in the background of the last photo.

Considering that some people make a living out of playing with children for pay, I would say that it is indeed part of the job and should not be counted as "downtime" for stay-at-home parents.

[LMM]

I am a working mom with a 2yo daughter that I love more than anything in the world. I miss her terribly during the week when I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. But I don't, for the most part, count my time with her as leisure time. I mean...if she and I go ice skating...or, as we did on Sunday to Sesame Street Live...or even just sit and read books I do have fun. But it's not leisure which dictionary.com says is time free from the demands of work or duty.
Leisure to me is time that's just for me or, sometimes, shared with my husband. Time to read a book. Time out to meet friends for a drink or book group or both. It's just...different.

[kern]

leisure time=being home alone. if the kids or dh are home a mom is on-duty.

That said I miss the kids and DH when I'm home alone. The house is so quiet and empty. I think sometimes that when they are old enough to entertain themselves it will be different but then I feel sad that they won't be interrupting me every five minutes for hugs and kisses.

[Cobblestone]

On average I have less than 3 hours per day that I am without either my son or my job. Factor in wanting to speak to my husband on a daily basis, my lesiure time is something less than 2 hours per day.

I think lesiure will have many definitions but it isn't lesiure if I am also semi-in-charge of making sure he doesn't eat the wrong thing or tug the wrong dog.

Maybe later it'll be lesiure, right now it is unpaid security work with snuggles.

[Catherine]

I had more leisure time when I went to an office 40 hrs per week. I had lunch, could stop somewhere on my way home if I wanted and I stayed up later. Now I am a SAHM (no paid work) and I have little leisure time. I am with kids most of my day. That makes me tired. I go to bed when they do. Taking them with me for what is often considered leisure (I too subscribe to the target wandering method of relaxation) would be ludicrous.

[Owlfan]

It's hard for leisure time to be leisurely when it is (or could be) interrupted every 3 minutes. Even with both kids in double digits, I still cannot count on going to the bathroom without someone needing me. At least now, though, only the cat actually comes IN the bathroom with me.

I just finished filling out a "wellness survey" for our health insurance. It asked questions about whether your physical or emotional health ever caused problems with work, in terms of starting work on time or getting all your work done or whatever. I don't think I can EVER get ALL my work done at home - there is always more. and starting on time - well, that would be 2 minutes after I get up, no matter when that is. The survey obviously wasn't meant for SAH types.

[victoria]

"more than I love salt" I got the reference! I got the reference! Yay!

[Julia]

I'm a stay at home mom, and I definitely don't consider any of the time where I am hanging out with my daughter (20 mo) leisure. If I manage to squeeze in some time online, say, while she is amusing herself, it seems the same to me as slacking off at an office job. You may not be actually working at the moment, or working hard, but you're still *at work*. I very much value the hours after she goes to bed, and stay up far too late enjoying it.

[Tessa]

I'm a grad student and so almost all my time is unstructured, but still doesn't expand enough to fit in all my work. But...I just don't do all my work anyway and work in the garden or bake bread (or read blogs) almost whenever I want...so "grad school work research time," "leisure time," and "sleep time" do this nice dance around each other. When I was a nanny, I was very aware that any time that came after 6 pm was leisure time for me, but I also really really loved my job and had fun the entire day.

I think for everyone (even someone as untethered as I am - I only have the seven hens and five ducks to count as dependents, being in a monogamous relationship is much less complicated than some alternatives for me at least) "leisure time" is always stolen from some other time. For example, right now I am blathering on after reading your post and drinking tea in the campus library...having come here with the intention to do paid research work.

[Tracy]

"Leisure time" means "time spent doing something YOU want/choose to do, not time spent doing things for others, even if you do not hate that particular task that you're doing for someone else." Reading to your kidlets is parenting, it's not leisure. If you enjoy cooking and you decide to whip up a recipe just to see how it turns out, because that's what interests you right at this moment, that's leisure time. If you enjoy cooking and you have to cook dinner, that's a responsibility. An enjoyable responsibility perhaps, but a responsibility nonetheless.

And don't get too excited about Mr. Eats Everything. My daughter at everything when she was 2 too (that sounds odd... 2 also). Now? Not so much.

[sarah]

No way is being with my 2 small children leisurely. I am a professor and a p/t SAHM, and my days at the office are infinitely more leisurely than are my days at home.

My 20 month-old is starting speech therapy tomorrow-- I am excited about the prospect of hearing him say the ends of words and speak in short phrases.

[Sydnew]

I'm a single mom and home owner, with a full-time job. The home owner part is important because wow, houses take a lot of time. My dad gets, I think, a little frustrated that minor jobs take me forever to get to--ie, my front door needed painting and it took me two months to buy the paint. (I then put a bow on top, handed him the can, and said, "Enjoy, darling dad.")

But I do have leisure time--it's the time I spend reading blogs I like (books are pretty much a thing of the past) or talking to friends (actually seeing them, also a thing of the past.) And sometimes I think I would count the time I spend with my dog as leisure time, but other times, it's work, too.

As for the house being dirty, I don't know that it's dishes in the sink, although there are usually some in mine, as much as it is a general lessening of standards. I see the dog hair on the couch and I think, dog hair on the couch, I should brush that down someday soon. I see the dirt on the floor in the corners of the kitchen, and think, I wish the floor wasn't dirty. What I don't think is that I need to clean that up. Right now. Because generally there's grocery shopping and cooking and meal planning and car maintenance and bill paying and dog walking and bird cage cleaning and homework checking and laundry and basketball practice (not mine, the kid's) and--oh, yes, my job!--and those things just take precedence. Every day they take precedence. And also, every day, playing Rock Band with the kid and snuggling with the dog, those things take precedence, too. If I got rid of the last two, yes, there would be time to get those dirty dishes out of the sink and/or get the dust buster out to hit those corners. But eh, I'd rather play/snuggle, and I do think that playing/snuggling is just as important. And maybe I'd even call it leisure time.

[Sabrina]

My only leisure time are the few hours I get all to my wants and needs after the kids go to bed for the night. And honestly, it's not enough. I can't WAIT for full time school.

[Jan]

We'd all agree that downtime involves an activity that energizes but does not leave you feeling exhausted or angry. The underlying psychology for me involves the degree to which the activity is "necessary." It's towards the absurd extreme of "this is the last thing I need to be doing" that most refreshes for me, although often that *is* a wise move. I think it reenergizes time management when there is something extra you can't wait to do. By my definition, your breadmaking would "count." Making elaborate Halloween costumes for your kids would count if you're crafty and love to do that; otherwise it would make more sense to buy something. (This would count as "downtime" for me; I think not for you? Just different people.) I just took my first computer science course, at an elderly age, and although it seems insane, given my work life and other responsibilities, it has given me confidence, set my brain going, made me more hopeful and creative and happier. But that's me. I think you need to make sure to take time to do things alone, for yourself, when you can. Reading, sleeping in, writing, whatever the equivalent of a hunting trip is for you. But I couldn't let the dishes or laundry go forever either. I need some order around me or I start losing it -- I just have to make sure that I don't spend time obsessively cleaning the bathrooms instead of writing or sketching for an hour because I am fearful of failure (it's easier to scrub the floor....).

[Marsha]

I have been a full-time working mom, a part-time working mom, a no-working-for-pay at-home mom, a work-from-home mom (in full- and part-time flavors) and a working-full-time-with-a-side-of-grad-school mom and I can tell you with 100% certainty that no matter how or in what ratio one cobbles together one's maternal and professional existences into some sort of whole, there will always, always, always, always be doubt. There is no perfect and, like mothering in general, good enough is really just great.

The other thing I've learned is that no one should expect or anticipate felicitations and respect based solely on that aforementioned combo of mom and worker. It pretty much comes from inside and inside only. Looking for it to come to rather than from oneself is nothing more than opening the door to resentment and heartache.

[MsCellania]

When some asshat writes about Leisure Time, it should be properly referred to as "TIME OFF". As in: No children, No chores. If your job is care of the home and kids, then leisure time is not doing stuff for anyone other than yourself. Take skiing, for example: It's Time OFF if you are whizzing down the slopes at your own pace. It's PARENTING if you have kids in tow and have to frequently stop to wait for them to catch up or to demonstrate and teach. I essentially steal my leisure time from my sleep time as I love to read.
I go apeshit when I delve into the time management stuff and see how much is loaded on women's backs, especially women who have two full-time jobs; a paying-outta-the-house job and then the full-time job of mothering/house/social calendar, etc. And I go publicly ballistic when a friend will mention "I can get my husband to babysit the children so I can____" Huh?! Excuse me?! Fathers do not BABYSIT their own children. They PARENT. Give a mom a nice weekend afternoon 'off', have dinner ready when she gets home and you just might get lucky tonight, Mister. Oh, wait; you'll be too tired...

[MsCellania]

I think EddyBear's tantrums may have started with teef but are now working well to snag your attention.
Walk Away from Ballistic Boy. I bet he follows you and again throws himself down on the floor nearby with eyeballs riveted on you to see your reaction.
I keep reminding myself "Even the Good Stuff is Only a Stage...."

[mama without instructions]

With 2 little kids and a close-to-full-time-job, I would say that I get maybe 3 hours of leisure time a day (kid are asleep and generally work is done) and I spend at least half of it cleaning and other kid/house maintenance. I consider very little time with my children leisure time, which is maybe sad but at 5 and 2.5 things are rarely leisurely for any of us. I still look forward to the weekends and find myself disappointed many times as we work to get clean, organized, ready for the week and my husband says how much he looks forward to going back to work. That sounds much more grim than it actually is. I enjoy my family immensely but, man, they are a lot of work.

[thesandwichlife]

Ha....yes, the best thing about having another child is realizing that the things you blamed yourself for in your first child (lousy diet, etc.) were NOT your fault! Of course the worst thing about having another child is realizing the great things about your firstborn that you credited to excellent parenting (great sleep habits) were also NOT because of you....

Leisure time? Hmmmm. The older the kids get the more time with them feels like leisure time....but still.....

[bethany actually]

I think anyone who's self-employed--whether as a SAHM or a freelance photographer who works out of his back bedroom--doesn't really have much leisure time, if any at all. Even when you're not at the office (AKA home) you're still on duty.

I'm a Navy wife and SAHM, and my husband has been on deployment for the past five months. Pretty much the only leisure time I have right now is a couple of hours after my daughter is in bed, or when my mom comes to visit and will stay home with her while I go to a movie or something. I love my "job," don't get me wrong; but I don't foresee a lot of leisure time in my near future.

[Amie]

My leisure time = my 2 hour painting class on Tuesday nights.

It doesn't even include my Aquafit class...that's not leisure, it's something I do to keep myself healthy so I'm capable of taking care of my 3 children all day everyday.

leisure time is time specified ONLY for myself...it may be spent with other adults but never with children.

I don't have 28 hours a week of it either!! Not even 10! I have between 2 and 5 hours a week.

Not that I'm complaining though, I love my life and wouldn't change it...I just hate it when people say that because I'm a SAHM I have nothing to do and I can be lazy all day...some people have the notion that being a stay at home parent is all wine and roses and bon bons in front of the tv! THAT might be leisure lol....

[katie]

read that article in the post and it CRACKED ME THE F UP! i love my child as much as the nextm, but spending time with her is not necessarily "leisure" time! let's said that writer to the park with a high energy toddler and see how leisurely she feels after the near death experiences on the slide and the eating of outdoor Things That Are Not Food. leisure my ass!

[Sarah R]

I have no intelligent comments to make, I'm afraid. One look at my messy house and my 22-year old daughter and my indulgent husband and you'd tell me I had far too much leisure time and needed to get off my butt.

But I did want to tell you that I get a little frisson of joy when I open Google Reader and see you have a new post.

[Aunt Becky]

Wait. What's leisure? I just untangled myself from the light fixture after I rescued the dog from outside where my 8 year old let him out yet again. My husband is suffering from a Man Cold and may very well be dying (I may hope) while my toddler and baby are both teething and have decided that only I will do.

I'm not complaining, but leisurely? HA. When I was a hospice case manager, my time was spent more leisurely.

[SarahB]

Just a side note: I read your blog on my smart phone while riding the DC metro system home tonight. A) I laughed louder than I should have in a public place. B) I almost missed my stop because I wasn't quite finished when it was time to get off.

Also, thank you for the discussion of that article, which I saw this weekend. We're planning to start trying for children later this year, will still both be working once we have a kid, and I find this whole balance challenge rather timely!

[Marsh]

I feel really old reading your comments. I'm at an age where ANY time with my children is enjoyable and leisurely. I enjoy hearing about my youngest child's professors at college or the wild things my oldest daughter's kindergarten students do. I love playing cards, sharing books and blogs, and learning new technology with them. The season of life raising young children is very taxing, but very brief. I thought I'd never get a moment to myself, but now feel I have plenty of leisure, and wonder how the time passed so quickly. And I have NO doubts that I did the right thing in staying home full time with them.

[Christine]

I just wanted to mention that Caroline seems particularly precocious when it comes to talking, what with being (a) naturally early to talk and (b) a girl, so poor Edward comes off especially badly in the comparison. If you compared him to an average boy of the same age, you might not find such a startling difference. If that helps any.

And have you tried the "I see you're feeling frustrated" tack with him? Or even just asking "Do your gums hurt?" Voicing the feelings that he can't might help him calm down. I'm sure you've done that already. Don't mind me.

[Gillian]

My very good two-year-old talker has a few meltdowns, and the thing that I've found is that they're usually for a reason. It may not be a "good" reason, but it's when I'm stopping him from doing something that he wants to do (like you mentioned, Edward wanted to do his own zipper, but didn't have the chance/ability to communicate that himself).

Have you heard of the Fast Food Rule? a la Harvey Karp, Happiest Toddler on the Block? By far the best book I've learned regarding communication between you and your toddler. I use it all the time.

[Elin]

Leisure time - you mean the two minutes I allow myself to read your new posts on one screen while I'm waiting for a client's server to authenticate my password on the other so I can get in and fix that problem someone reported today while I was out of the office at a client site doing a database install. You mean THAT leisure time? Or do you mean me jumping up mid-read to turn off the oven timer because the frozen pizza I'm feeding my kidlets is ready, buzzing into the bathroom because the three-year-old needs an audience when he goes pee (he's been able to reach the light via a stool, pull down his pants, lift the seat and do his business ALL BY HIMSELF for about a year now). Or is it when I sit back down to complete this post, only to be implored to go back into the kitchen to get said kidlet some juice (his bladder is now empty, and he must re-fill it).

Maybe it's the minute or so I took to answer my cell phone - a friend is calling to ask my why I haven't sent the reminder email about our weekly Wednesday Night Dinner menu (oh, you mean the one that's been sitting, half-written, in my drafts since yesterday because I had to replace the kitchen faucet unexpectedly - the old one blew a gasket, and they "don't make that part anymore"; got caught up with 5 loads of laundry, changed the oil in the VW so my car wouldn't blow up today, hosted some friends for dinner - this was a do-over - their dad called them to say he thought he was having a stroke and they had to rush off to get him to the hospital; yesterday was the day - then colored my hair so I wouldn't "gray" my new clients to death today at the install; put laundry away, shooed the kidlets into bed complete with stories for one and therefore forgot to complete and send the email - is that the email you mean?).

"Wha'd you do on your day off, Elin?" "Oh, not much. I installed a new kitchen faucet, did some laundry, changed the oil in the VW, colored my hair, had a dinner party. You?"

Leisure time - ** snort **. That's just funny!

[Kate]

Was going to ask about an ear infection with Edward but sounds like teeth. My daughter, who turned two in September, we thought was acting inexplicably and suddenly two and then...her ear drum ruptured. Oops. From experience, I usually wait to call the pediatrician until she gets a fever, only this time she never got one. Oops oops oops.

My daughter also stopped napping for a period this summer (about six weeks). I made her "rest" in her crib for as long as she could stand it anyway (between 1 and 2 hours), and then she grew 3 inches and went back to napping.

Here's hoping Edward is less grumpy and Caroline goes back to sleeping!

[HereWeGoAJen]

Leisure time is when I get to do whatever I want. Anyone who thinks that spending time with children is leisure is nuts. (I'm not saying that I don't love taking care of my baby. But it isn't anything close to leisure.)

[Pam L]

I think it's leisure time when it fits MY idea of leisure time. As much as I love my boys and enjoyed being able to stay home with them starting when the oldest was 7, it is not leisure time while you are solely responsible for their very lives, well being and formation of intellect, manners, morals and such. Leisure time is when you are doing something YOU want to do for you. Yes you may have to drop what you are doing if something happens that calls you back, or out of the bath tub, and that's when leisure time ends. Now IF your idea of leisure time is breaking up the schedule and baking cookies with your little ones, well then that's YOUR leisure time. It just has to be on your terms or , to me anyway, it doesn't count. We've all had good days at work, but it's still work. I used to sneak out of the house early Sunday mornings to grocery shop alone. Well, not sneak, DH knew I was going, but just being able to peruse the aisles without hunting down the hiding child, having to make 2-3 bathroom stops or enduring the pleas for things they were not going to get, was pleasure for me.

[JustLinda]

I work full time outside of the home. My job includes travel fairly regularly too.

My youngest is now 5 and I finally feel like we have time, I have time. I have a child nearly 14 and she likes to earn some cash for babysitting, so my husband and I now sneak out here and there and that helps.

In addition to work, we have Girl Scouts for two, basketball, swim lessons, karate. We have homework and baths and dinners and we try to squeeze in some fun. We pull it off OK.

But leisure time comes in snippets, sometimes during my work day or in the evening while the kids play on the Wii or something. You take the bits and pieces and make that work. Eventually, children get older and you end up at some point with more time than you need and perhaps wish for some of what you used to have - those demands, being 'needed'.

It was hard for a few years, really hard. But it's gotten better and I'm pretty sure, on this particular score, it's down-hill from her. I'm coasting a bit. I even go to the gym a few times a week now.

[marta]

i love love love my kids. gave up a career to be home with them. but i hate playing with my kids. i'd rather clean (though the truth is that i love cleaning; like you, i also need it, so lucky me). down time for me is reading a book or hanging out with grown-ups. mostly, if kids are involved, it's not down time. but i'm probably just a spoiled, cranky introvert.

sounds like your edward has a similar temperament to my micah. oh dear. my micah is lit from within and one of my very favorite things in the whole world. especially when he's sleeping. and he's also the reason i fantasize about vacations all by myself.

[victoria]

I think we need to match up Edward and my own little Tinkerbell so that when they breed and produce shocking little screamers, we'll know they had it coming to them. Because I swear I didn't know that my eardrums could blister all the way into my brain. And this is after that initial 9 straight months of colic screaming that peeled the paint from the walls and the shingles from the roof.

That said, I've been training her using MY best training, i.e. Skinnerian reinforcement, and I've found that a combination recently of Harvey Karp's "Fast Food Rule" as mentioned above by a previous poster as well as the careful distillation of the incentivization of non-screaming as put forth by Alan Kazdin have helped make a dramatic change in the last two weeks. Massive fits of pique have been obviated and otherwise headed off at the pass; entire crises of transitioning from one activity to another have been erased for a week now, and all sorts of people have been quietly awed. It can be done. Admittedly, I have only the one, and STILL don't get enough "leisure" time...

[HubeiMama]

Just for reference, I'm a working mom with a 2 year old that I adore. I love almost every single minute with her (she is 2, you know) but I would call only about 1/3 of our time together leisurely.

How hard up am I for leisure time? I'm currently recovering from major-ish surgery and will be out of work for 6-8 weeks. I'm calling it a vacation (and I really believe that - how sad) except I still feel uber guilty for continuing to put her in daycare even though I'm not actually working (even though I'm barely a week post-op).

[tami]

I think my problem with the idea of leisure time is that somewhere I got the idea that it occurred when all the things that needed doing were done. You see the problem.

I am learning to make time to enjoy the things I want to do, do them and try not to worry about the things still to do.

[Anne]

I work full time outside the home and have a 3 yo and a 7 month old. I don't have leisure time except for about a half hour before bed at night (after the baths and the dishes and the making lunches and the etc.) Oh, and if I use PTO and take a day off work. But then I usually use it to get ahead on household projects, like closet cleaning or leaf raking. But, I know from having my first that things do get much better after the first year (not that I don't enjoy the baby stage, because I do, but it is, let us say, "labor intensive").

On the other hand, I think your example of bread making vs dinner making is apt: behavioral psychologists would say that anything we get to do rarely is reinforcing for things we have to do all the time. These days? Even raking leaves ALL BY MYSELF can feel like leisure.

[Loonanj]

I have 2.5-yr-old twins and a baby. I'm home full-time. I have about 2-3 kid-free leisure hours a day and a lot of one-on-one or one-on-three kid time. Here's how: drasticallly reduced housekeeping standards and lots of paid help at the expense of other luxuries.

[Rosie_Kate]

Hmmm... I have a slightly different take on this. I do not have a "job" but I do have plenty of work. I have a few odd things that i can do from home to occasionally earn a little extra money when those opportunities are available. I have a 4 1/2 year old (just one kid! No problem, right?) and am pregnant with my second.

But I don't feel like I have that much "leisure time" per say. I pretty much grow and preserve and prepare from scratch nearly all of our own food-- veggies, milk, eggs and some meat. I have many things that I do as part of our lifestyle that save us money with our very limited income. I'm also gearing up for homeschooling. My take is that instead of going out and getting a job to earn extra money, I save us money instead and I do consider that my job. It's just income in a different form. Just because I really do enjoy gardening and raising livestock and cooking and baking bread and teaching my kid to read doesn't make that leisure time for me. I have to do these things for the welfare of my family, just like some moms go out and earn money for the welfare of theirs. My leisure time is time that I might spend reading or watching a movie.

[jlp]

I was just thinking about leisure time earlier today. I'm a SAHM with a 10-month old, and I would estimate I have about 7-10 hours of true leisure time a week: the time between when my son goes to bed and when I pass out each night.

While I miss it (oh, I miss it), I know this period where he needs me so constantly is going to pass.

Oh, and time with my son? While it is often enjoyable, it is definitely not leisure time.

[coffeegrl]

I totally agree with Cobblestone's comment that parenting involves a lot of time that is "unpaid security work with snuggles" (and I'd say that the snuggles are few and far between around these parts). Leisure time to me means that I'm off the clock with no child to supervise/protect etc. Leisure time for me entails a book and reading more than 3 pages at a time. And a 1.5 hour movie? That's lengthy leisure time that I don't often see.

[Vanessa]

I'm widowed, work full-time outside the home and have an 11-year-old daughter. I actually do have a fair amount of leisure time, but it doesn't always feel like leisure time because I'm limited in what I can choose to do with it. I can sit down and read a book whenever I feel like it, but I can't go shopping or to the movies or eat in a restaurant unless I haul the (often unwilling) child along with me. She's a neat kid, and we have fun together when I can convince her to go somewhere, but it's different than just doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, for as long as I want to do it, with no one complaining that their feet hurt and they want to go home and play Wii. :)

[jd]

I know I'm supposed to chat about leisure time, but I'm going to chat about hearing issues. Edward just sounds a ton like my youngest daughter, who had undiagnosed hearing loss until the age of 4 due to "eustacian tube disfunction" (i.e. constant ear snot and frequent ear infections). Speech developed slowly, and inaccurately. Huuuuge tantrums. I didn't pick up on it because she did have _some_ speech (which she picked up in the rare windows when her ears were clear enough to hear for a few weeks), and she did react to _some_ sound. Her older sister was insanely verbal, so I just chalked it up to having a kid who was comfortably inside the bell curve, and wasn't going to fuss to the pediatrician because kid number two wasn't a supergenius. We finally figured it all out when she was four, put tubes in, and voila, different kid. Tantrums went way way way down, and she became chatty. Suddenly, she wasn't frustrated all the time. She freed up that huge part of her brain that had been devoted to trying very hard to figure out what people were saying (cue Peanuts special "wah wah wah wah WAH" grown-up talk). Also, she could pronounce all those sounds, once she could actually hear them.

However, longer term, she still faces difficulties, because she missed that window when kids learn to fluently use words to process their thoughts and emotions. When she's upset, she loses touch with her verbal processing center, and it's like she's two years old all over. She also is still developing an "internal dialog", the lack of which impairs her recall and judgement. It's all getting better, but the hearing loss really set her back.

Anyways, I pass this on because (1) I felt like crap that I had missed it, and wasted much time treating a physiological problem like a behavioral one; (2) Edward sounds reaaaaaally similar; and (3) the consequences of missing it have been lasting. If the doctor says "tubes?" again, consider saying "yes please".

[Nina]

I've got a two-year old and a kid-in-the-making, I work part-time and spend the rest of the time studying trying to finish the last year of my therapy qualifications. Leisure time for me is being allowed to read No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency novels while lying in the bath, drinking smoothies. But the only way to get time to myself is to start sleeping less (the hours between 1-4 am are blissfully my own). Otherwise, cuddling on the sofa with my husband and watching films when the kid has gone to bed is pretty leisurly, and essential relationship maintenance but it always comes with a cost-gain scenarios (because it means a night spent studying to regain the time).

My life will not be like this forever, but Less Sleep seems the most practical solution.

My son is also fond of The Screaming and The Tantruming. He speaks excellently, but is constantly caught in the battle between his needs and his pride. (e.g. he flings his dummy on the floor and cries about it. I tell him to go and get it then, he goes NO! and has another Dummeeeeee weeping fit). On the other hand, what we've found works really well when he's having one of his screaming/crying fits is to say "Go on son, cry!" which results in an angry, sniffly silence.

Tantrumming is always part-frustration, but I think it's also 75% personality.

[Alli]

Molars are a real bitch! That is most likely the problem. I am an RN who works the night shift part time. My husband is home at night with the girls - 2 and 10 years old, and is self employed so I do get a nap after my long nights. All my leisure time is with the kids. I AM EXHAUSTED!

[Sharon]

I'm a stay at home mom, and I have leisure time! Because here in England, it is normal to start sending your kids to school at age 2!?!?!?! So, Chase (who turned 2 in november) goes to school from 9:15 till 11:45 4 days a week. Then he comes home, eats, and crashes around 1:30 for a good 3 hours.
I spend a good hour to hour and a half each day doing the tidying/hoovering/mopping/scrubbing, then I get the rest of the time to myself.

That said, The 3 days he doesn't go to school, I'm with him 24x7.

[TeacherMommy]

I don't know now whether to follow Irretrievably Broken or avoid it like the plague, because, well...

A little too close to home, in many ways. She's just a step or two ahead.

As for leisure time, I now find myself with huge swaths of it where there once was very little, and it's all thanks to the unexpectedly silvery lining of divorce and joint custody. I'm learning how to relax in real ways, how to have fun once again.

Go ahead, be jealous of that. On the other hand, I'm jealous of your comparative ease with your children (not easy to raise, more the connection with) and that you have a partner there. Backup at least, if you will.

I'm not sure how that would match up in an equation, really. Perhaps ask Patrick? Except he's rather young for this sort of story problem theme.