A Domes Day

When Steve and I moved from Chicago to Minneapolis about ten years ago we thought that one of the advantages would be a lower cost of living. What we based this upon I have no idea - maybe our perception that Minnesota seemed like an acquired taste and therefore it must be less expensive? In fact Chicago and Minneapolis are roughly comparable and both are pricier than, say, Denver or Atlanta. It's no Tokyo or New York but things weren't nearly as cheap as we expected, especially housing. When we moved here the Cities had a rental vacancy rate of less than one percent and trying to find an apartment was brutal. We had two - two! I still cannot believe it - potential landlords actually hang up on us when I explained that we were moving up from Chicago.

"Oh," one woman said in her slow and friendly Minnesotan burr, "we don't rent to people from Chicago."

[This state provides more generous social programs than many of our neighbors and as a result there was a perception - probably delusional but who I am to judge - that people were moving here by the caravans-full in order to take shameless advantage of this civic generosity. At the time I thought their refusal to let us see their damned rental property was mere (misplaced but still) racism but now that I have lived here for over a decade I understand that it was actually a blend of ignorance and xenophobia and short-sightedness... and racism.]

We eventually wound up paying fifty percent more than we had in Chicago for a slightly smaller apartment and although some things are less expensive (land, yes; houses, no) for the most part we have yet to see any of the anticipated financial advantage (plenty of other great things; just not showers of dimes) from the move. Until now. Would you like to know what are practically free in L'etoile du Nord?

Downtown hotel rooms on a weekend night in February, that's what.

I used priceline after you assured me it wasn't some sort of cyber-con and I got a "four star" hotel for... fifty-one dollars. I am beside myself with frugal glee. Other than the room we're just going to wing it. I am not even going to make a dinner reservation because 1) I am not sure what I will want to eat by then and 2) if the restaurant does tell us it will be a two hour wait for a table WHO CARES? They can find me at the bar and I will not be playing hangman or doling out raisins from my purse.   

I always think that Edward and Patrick look so similar but as I was going through old pictures of Patrick today I realized that they really don't. At two Patrick was an ice blond with blue-blue eyes and in every photo he just looks so sweet.

Edward's eyes are gray, his hair is kinda auburn and what he lacks in sweet transparency he makes up for in cool. Edward is emphatically cool and a little edgy, like Paul Newman wrapped with Steve McQueen sprinkled with a little William Powell.

You can tell they are brothers but you can also tell which one is more likely to crash his motorcycle into the pool while wearing a tuxedo.

[Hint: it's not Patrick]

Also unlike Patrick - who seemed to be constructed of nothing but quirks for the first several years - Edward's likes and dislikes are pretty straight-forward. He sleeps with two blankets and one pacifier and two teddy bears and Eardeer and a couple of trains and a stack of Richard Scarry books and four monster trucks and a little red car. He likes cars and bugs and trucks and trains and books and eating and Caroline, who has morphed from Cayayine to Tarayine in recent days. He also counts a lot, which I guess is his only little thing. I try not to mention numbers or say 'how much do you supppose' in his presence because the slightest thing can act like a motion sensor and once you get him started it can be hard to switch him off. He can count to twenty but he can only count to five or maybe six. Wow that sounded stupid. I should say that he can recite the numbers up to twenty but he can only count five objects before he loses track of everything like a soap opera amnesiac: "One truck, two truck, three truck, four truck, five truck... (*minor chords*) Who am I? What am I doing here?"

In the car today he said, "Tree!" 

And I said, yep.

He said, "Anudder tree! An anudder tree! An anudder tree! An anudder... ." I turned on the radio. We live in the woods you know. By the time I turned off the radio we were in the middle of the suburbs and Edward was saying, "... an anudder car! An anudder car!" 

So that's Edward.

I have a video of Edward counting to twenty that I was about to put in here and then I realized it is probably something only a mother could love. So I refrained.

[We have been watching the Olympics and whenever possible we have been cheering for Steve's birth father's homeland of Latvia. During the course of this extended patriotism I discovered the Latvian name Guntis and I love it. So we picked new Latvian names for the entire family: Edward got Guntis, Caroline is Zazka and Patrick chose Voldemars.]

I just had my first OBGyn appointment in over a year. I was supposed to schedule my annual in July, forgot about it until October and then the earliest my doctor could see me was yesterday. I always get nostalgic when I go to my OB. I suppose there are at least six miscarriages worth of crappy memories associated with her office but all I can remember is how happy I felt once we knew that babies a through b were genetically normal.

Yesterday I was in the same exam room that she used the day Caroline and Edward were born. I sat there and I remembered being in that room two years ago while she and Steve looked at me, waiting for me to decide whether I wanted to go up to L&D and have the twins that night or if I wanted to go home and see what happened. It is an exquisitely pleasant memory; that moment in which I was given a choice between having babies that very day or waiting until the next and would I like the fulfillment of years of desire with or without butterscotch?

So we did the usual annual appointment whatnot and then she asked if there was anything else and I said, well, I guess as long as we were on the subject I wouldn't mind getting her opinion on my abysmal libido.

[Caution: sex]

So my OB cocked her head to one side, inflated her lungs and talked for forty solid minutes about women and sex.

To summarize and paraphrase she said: if, god forbid, something were to happen to your husband and you found yourself dating again tomorrow I guarantee you that you would feel like a randy teenager once more. Children are exhausting but it is not just about being tired. When it's Tuesday night and you are sitting on the couch watching the Olympics, you know that you could suggest a stroll to the bedroom and you know exactly how it will end. While familiarity is comforting it is not exciting and the female brain needs to register exciting in order for the female otherbits to rise beyond merely phoning it in. So the secret - and it is a secret because it is not the sort of thing we carry around in the front of our minds like where we parked at the grocery store - is to tap into our coca-cola selves and make an effort because no one else is going to do it for us. She mentioned her niece who loves her vibrator; a patient who likes to pretend she is picking her husband up at a bar; the vast sea of erotica; the world of tasteful European soft porn that beams via satellite; et cetera et cetera et cetera. 

I know this probably all sounds very obvious to you but I stared at her like a rookie who is just happy to be on the team. It really never occurred to me that the things that thrilled me at twenty and pleased me at thirty might by thirty-eight merit little more than a polite smile or that I am personally responsible for reconsidering things. She gave me a few pieces of advice: she told me to make more time for myself. She told me to figure out what I now find deliciously naughty and really roll with it. She told me that it is important to be playful in life and mentioned that she likes to moonlight as a torch singer. Then she checked my thyroid and vitamin D levels (pending) and gave me the brochure for an herbalist who does nice things with ginseng. Just in case.   

And because I like you and I want you to be happy I am passing this pep talk along to you in hopes that you may benefit from it.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

"It is an exquisitely pleasant memory; that moment in which I was given a choice between having babies that very day or waiting until the next and would I like the fulfillment of years of desire with or without butterscotch?"

This is why I keep coming back. That and the sex ed.

PS I'm doing the exact same comparing-photos-at-the-same-age thing with my boys. Amazing how genetics works!

[JustLinda]

Oh, I can TEACH that damn class, I swear.

I'm of the frame of mind that it's just about surviving it. My youngest is 5 and I'm now 45 and things seems to be sliding back into gear, nicely.

But yeah... those intervening years were something. We (my husband and I) really struggled with this issue.

So many women do. I'm not sure there are easy answers, but I think that if you keep the lines of communication open and LOOK for whatever answers work for you, you'll either overcome it, or it will keep you trying for long enough that the kids will get older and you'll have persevered.

Your family is beautiful. <3

[a.]

Julia, I adore you. You are the best writer in the world.

As A Kindergarten teacher, I absolutely howled at the description of Edward's counting resembling that of a soap opera amnesiac. Oh god yes! Minor chords! I think I snorted.

PS. You would probably laugh if you went into our school's book room, the room for the books we use to teach little kids how to read. 75% of them have totally soap opera amnesiac titles: Where's Mom? What's for Dinner? What's Your Job? Where is my Hat? Where are we going? Whose shoes are these?
It never fails to delight me.

[Liz]

You rock.

[Ellie]

I seem to recall that your birth control dilemma was left ... wherever it was you left it. You'd chosen ... something ... and you were bleeding a lot, yes? And you were going to give it a few more months? And Steve (really, really absolutely) didn't want a vasectomy, and you don't want to get pregnant. I am only wondering, seeing as how you've so helpfully raised the topic for me, if all of that might possibly be having an impact?

Just a thought.

[suz]

I'd like to see the counting video. :-)

And, your children are still adorable!

[Karishma]

oh, julia. can i BE you when i grow up? i just got an unintentional verbal beatdown from someone today who is quite against treatment for infertility, though she had no idea that i will probably need that exact kind of help in the future, when i start the ttc journey. it was hard to hear, esp. since i was trying to bite my tongue and not say dear god! you're taking down ppl like me! stopitnow! and then i proceeded to have many glasses of wine, and i just cannot tell you how nice it was to see this post and know that there are ppl out there who know how awful this can be, but have also come out the other side as complete winners.

[Valery]

"might by thirty-eight merit little more than a polite smile"
Good to know it's not just me. (Even without kids to blame)

"or that I am personally responsible"
ehmmmm, no magic cure? I put it in the 'IF made this utterly useless box' ...
Looks like I'll have to rethink that.

[QoB]

I don't care what you say, Patrick and Edward look very alike, and like you:)

Your doctor sounds like a very sensible woman altogether. Maybe the bar + the 4-star hotel room will inspire you!

[jen]

Ed looks like you and Caroline like Steve, but I can't help wonder, who does Patrick look like?

Did you have a very nordic mailman delivering in your neighborhood during those years you were first in MN?

[Steph]

I can't blame my kids for my dead libido . . all though I'm sure they factor in . . what I do blame is a bit of resentment for all the times I needed help at bath time or getting them ready for something and the husband was busy or tired from working blah, blah, blah. Now I'm not even sure it can be repaired.

[Jen the Catalyst]

Love, love, love this post.

My husband and I are child-free by choice but I love the idea of escaping to a downtown hotel and taking pleasure in the fact that I "will not" be doling out raisins.

It's hard to imagine not having a stoked libido if that was the measure!!!!

I need to hit on my husband tonight. :)

[TeacherMommy]

Ah yes. Discover your inner kink. And the butterscotch suddenly shows up for things other than having delicious children...

[Dara]

My husband and I keep the flame alive with afternoon delight...although I have always found it difficult to completely relax knowing the children ( 7, 6 and 2) are downstairs watching an educational video (really!!) and may/ or not be slowly suffocating themselves and/or calling CPS. Sometimes, it hardly seems worth the 10-15 minutes, but it keeps him happy and we do make time for non-child related chit-chat about adult stuff which keeps me happy and my last remaining brain cells active.

Number four is due any day now and I am hoping to find a regular babysitter for a bi-monthly date night....or maybe one date night and one yoga night just for me.

It's not easy. Enjoy your hotel room. I'd opt for room service and lots of cocktails.

[Amy]

You are hilarious and your children are adorable. And even if Patrick and Edward do have different coloring, their features are very similar.

Also, I'm with you on the whole libido thing. A look at my bed at night, and I think sleep, not sex.

[areyoukiddingme?]

You must have a great doctor!

[Kris]

I think you need to share the happy herbalism ginseng idea with the rest of us that find ourselves in the land of the hoohaa desert.

[smumzie]

Well...crap. we don't even have the kids yet (though our infertility journey looks very similar to yours) and I have no libido.

We've actually looked for some porn that might jump start things but when you have to gather your courage, walk into a store full of perverts who turn and stare at you (the only woman to probably enter the place in months) and ask, "Say, do you have any 'normal' porn? You know, the type that doesn't involve 1 woman, 4 guys and a goat?" it gets a little uncomfortable. Maybe we'll have to check out this European soft porn of which you speak.

I distinctly remember a post where you said you joined Steve in the shower in the mornings and let him have at it. I actually tried that after your post but my better half said getting (ahem) there made his knees too weak to be standing up.

Let's just say a tempurpedic bed plus two adults who didn't take the time to towel off = uncomfortable sleeping that night... but it was totally worth the try.

[thesandwichlife]

love you.....that's all I have to say....

just love you....

[caro]

Wow. You rock and so does your OB.

[Amanda P.]

I just got a lecture on Tuesday from 2 MFMs (unfortunately only a pre-conception med check) about the very topic you discussed with your OB/Gyn. I got the same advice (wine, movie, books, whatever works). I thought it was pretty hysterical, although my husband turned a beautiful fuchia when I mentioned it to him.

The MFMs also both referred to me as a "mere babe" at 34.75 and told me to stop stressing so much about my age and weight. It was the STRANGEST doctor's appointment I've had in my 6 years of IF.

[LMM]

Not just me? Wonderful to know. I mean, I think intellectually I knew all this, but it's still nice to know that this "abnormal" lack of libido is quite normal after all.

When we do put a little effort into it it's lovely...but actually think it makes us realize even more that things are different now than they used to be when those kind of nights were every night...

I discussed this with a friend once and she said that if people in committed relationships didn't cool off that the earth would grind to a halt and nothing would ever get done. If it was all monkey sex all the time we'd never be bothered to feed the children or go to work...I think she's right but wish that there was a happy medium.

[Rbelle]

We're currently dealing with the libido issues that come during pregnancy, rather than after, but at least my husband's concern for doing anything that could harm the fetus helps keep him at bay for now. Hoping to get that second trimester sex drive soon.

A word of caution, though, on suggesting things slightly kinky or otherwise different. My husband has recetently taken a great interest in photography, and sometimes ends up looking on various forums and in photo books at nude photos. When I teased him one night about his sudden interest, he offered up the assertion that he thought I *wanted* him to look at more naked women. ??????

Apparently, he interpreted a few suggestions that we rent porn together, and my subsequent surprise that he wasn't interested, to mean I thought there was something wrong with him. So he was trying to expand his horizons. It was sweet, but also horrifying. What idiot inspires her husband to start objectifying other women against his will? Sigh.

[Kelly]

I just recently stopped birth control because hubby got snipped. Ever since stopping the hormones my libido has been golden. As good as it was in my 20's when hubby and I first started dating. The boys are also old enough (5 and 3) that they sleep well and we don't worry about them as much and we're all sleeping better. Also? Sleep.

I hope you can find your magical combination to help get the zing back in your lovin'.

[Katie]

You are the best. I thought it was just me. Here's the thing, though. Yes, I know it is my responsibility to find something that works. But my to-do list is already crushingly long and I will admit to resenting another thing being added to my list.

[la]

I'm thinking the night away at a hotel might do you guys a world of good. (I know it does for us, ahem.) The change in scenery if nothing else plays right into what your doctor said, plus a hotel like that is probably going to have a lovely selection of, er, movies. Ahem, again.

I'm filing away the idea about picking up my husband in a bar for myself!

[Ally]

Playing games (not that kind of games!) in the evening instead of TV or computer is a nice way to spend time together. And, I have two words for you: Strip Backgammon! Really!

[Shawna]

I hadn't even realized I needed the pep talk until I read the pep talk. I'm betting my husband'll thank you for it... um, once we both get over our miserable colds. No amount of "taking charge" will change the fact that we both currently feel like death warmed over.

Sounds like you have a good doctor, BTW.

[tgsdmom]

Patrick pre-Calvin is very cute. Also post-Calvin, in a different way. Edward is sweet (as is Caroline). Virtual aunts would also love to see the counting video, I'm sure.

There are (also) supposedly evolutionary reasons for changes in the libido in women. I recommend a non-fiction book: "Sperm Wars" by Robin Baker for some insight and slightly pornographic descriptions.

My 2p: How much time do we spend a day doing things for our children - even if we do not necessarily enjoy them? Bed time story? 1/2 hour make believe play? Play catch? Tickling time? Bath time?... I warmly recommend 20-30 minutes a day sex time (or every other day). Even if we don't particularly feel like it. For our partner's sake. It can be one-sided too... It took me some years to come to peace with this idea, but I do believe it is perhaps the most important ingredient of a happy long relationship.

[Sarah]

You are the best Julia. And Patrick and Edward to share very similar features if not coloring -- their little eyebrows look like they were drawn in with the same pencil. Adorable!

Have fun in your big city hotel room. DH and I need to do this but our son is just 20 months old and wails when he wakes up without his mama. Even when I'm in the next room taking a shower. So yeah, not just yet. But we'll get there and will enjoy it.

And like one of the pp, if you are still on whatever birth control you were trying but not loving a few months ago, see if that is the cause. I had zero libido when I was on BCPs and finally quit them because our sex life could not take it.

[victoria]

We always just go to Paris when we need to get things started. We're not particularly wealthy, and our house is nowhere near as nice as yours, but you can do this kind of thing when you have no children.

[elsimom]

For those of us in Minnesota - what hotel?! The thought of certain hotels for $51 has me thinking that we could spend the $$ on regular sitter to make her "overnight sitter" and still come out ahead!

[Anna]

a recommended book: spending by mary gordon. it's very...descriptive. i was all shocked when i first read it and then couldn't stop reading.

another good sexxy book is prodigal summer. i wouldn't have expected that of barbara kingsolver, but there you go.

if you're interested in shopping for toys etc, i would recommend online. early2bed is a lovely store near me--if you call them with questions, you can ask them the most embarrassing and detailed things and they chat about things amicably as if you were discussing something quite everyday.

[Anna]

also with shopping online? your order arrives in ordinary packaging, so nobody knows but you.

[Laura]

I, too, have thought about asking the OBGYN about the abysmal libido, but figured it was just oh, you know, toddler twins and all. Then i went to a seminar by a sex therapist (at a CHURCH event, no less!!!) and she certainly enlightened me, much as your little talk did. Hope it works!!

[cindy w]

Huh. How strange you would write about the libido issue today when I was just thinking about seeing either my OB/GYN or a therapist for the same issue. Freaky timing you have there.

[Rebekah]

I have similar car conversations with my son "Look a truck. I want more truck! Oh, a truck! More trucks please. Big truck!"

[Vickie]

A series of books single handedly spiced up our sex lives (oh, that sounds bad, but it's the ONE thing I've done that has got me rip-roaring ready) is a series of books by J.R. Ward, starting with Dark Lover and going through the rest of the series. Vampire porn, yo. None of this 'another 700 pages and no screwing!' like Twilight series. This is serious stuff. Read yourself into randy. I am not kidding.

[coffeegrl]

I have to go with Vickie and some of the other ladies....romance novels which I once considered a cheap thrill and "poor literature" are now incredibly useful to me. Lots of them are really like soft porn and almost erotica (although that's a whole other category of surely useful tools). I'm all for making my reading serve more than one purpose (escapism AND better love life!).

[lizneust]

Literature has always done more for me than film, and - given your love of the printed word - I suspect the same may be true for you. I'd rather imagine what things are like, rather than see bad b@@b jobs jiggling in faux arousal.

My most recent find is Souless by Gail Carriger - victorian bodice ripper with sexy werewolves! There are a number of erotic anthologies out there edited by Violet Blue, Allison Tyler and others, which cater to all tastes. And if you want to go for the classics, read Fanny Hill. If nothing else, you learn all sorts of euphemisms for sex and its related parts.

I am SO jealous of your overnight stay. Enjoy!!

[Alexicographer]

In the vein of the public service announcement you have posted, thyroid and libido: very connected, and the former does fail/falter fairly commonly in women as we reach the age of 30+ ... as the thyroid produces a hormone that can be easily and safely replaced in pill form, this is easily treatable. If you're wondering ... get checked.

Also: smumzie and anyone else similarly situated -- no need to walk into anywhere or talk to anyone. Two words: goodvibes dot com. OK, that was sort of 3, but one was punctuation.

Your analysis of your sons (the part involving the tuxedo and the swimming pool) cracked me up.

[Terrill]

These comments indicate exactly what type of literature (and film, and. . . well, et cetera) you should be advertising in your sidebar. Think of the click-throughs you would attain!

[Jen]

What a great OB, and what a helpful public service you've done to summarize her thoughts! I was fortunate enough to have had a reasonable enough libido when my husband was alive, but I must confess to being "like a randy teenager once more" now that I'm dating after nearly two years. A teenager with knowledge, experience, and maturity ... oh so much fun!

[Heather]

Great post! The hotel rooms sounds like great fun! Your kids sound awesome. I love the comparison of Patrick and Edward. They do look like brothers, but completely different at the same time. And thanks for the note about libido. I'm working on the same thing too. After 10 years of working hard to have babies, we're (probably just me) are working on making it fun again. I say just me as I don't think it's thought of as not fun by DH, LOL!

[Deborah VA]

Why are men so EASY and women so complicated? I sure wish I could be more like a man in this one specific way. I feel only remotely in the mood when I am ovulating. We have bought toys which help. At first I was so embarrassed, but now, it feels normal. They help a lot! Good luck and have a wonderful time during your night sans kids.

[N.L.]

I second the JR Ward Black Dagger Brotherhood series. The vampires are not scary - no hunting humans for blood - just lots of lusty moments and a fairly interesting storyline, with well developed (if unbelievable) characters.

[Joanne]

and that post sums up why you are the very very best bestest blogger evah

[Heidi]

There is almost always a burst-out-loud laugh involved in every post. Today, you had me at "hangman."

[Heidi]

Oh, and I'd LOVE to see the Edward video!

[sara]

God, I needed to hear that too.

Do those vampire books have anything in them that would be offensive to women?