A Domes Day

When Steve and I moved from Chicago to Minneapolis about ten years ago we thought that one of the advantages would be a lower cost of living. What we based this upon I have no idea - maybe our perception that Minnesota seemed like an acquired taste and therefore it must be less expensive? In fact Chicago and Minneapolis are roughly comparable and both are pricier than, say, Denver or Atlanta. It's no Tokyo or New York but things weren't nearly as cheap as we expected, especially housing. When we moved here the Cities had a rental vacancy rate of less than one percent and trying to find an apartment was brutal. We had two - two! I still cannot believe it - potential landlords actually hang up on us when I explained that we were moving up from Chicago.

"Oh," one woman said in her slow and friendly Minnesotan burr, "we don't rent to people from Chicago."

[This state provides more generous social programs than many of our neighbors and as a result there was a perception - probably delusional but who I am to judge - that people were moving here by the caravans-full in order to take shameless advantage of this civic generosity. At the time I thought their refusal to let us see their damned rental property was mere (misplaced but still) racism but now that I have lived here for over a decade I understand that it was actually a blend of ignorance and xenophobia and short-sightedness... and racism.]

We eventually wound up paying fifty percent more than we had in Chicago for a slightly smaller apartment and although some things are less expensive (land, yes; houses, no) for the most part we have yet to see any of the anticipated financial advantage (plenty of other great things; just not showers of dimes) from the move. Until now. Would you like to know what are practically free in L'etoile du Nord?

Downtown hotel rooms on a weekend night in February, that's what.

I used priceline after you assured me it wasn't some sort of cyber-con and I got a "four star" hotel for... fifty-one dollars. I am beside myself with frugal glee. Other than the room we're just going to wing it. I am not even going to make a dinner reservation because 1) I am not sure what I will want to eat by then and 2) if the restaurant does tell us it will be a two hour wait for a table WHO CARES? They can find me at the bar and I will not be playing hangman or doling out raisins from my purse.   

I always think that Edward and Patrick look so similar but as I was going through old pictures of Patrick today I realized that they really don't. At two Patrick was an ice blond with blue-blue eyes and in every photo he just looks so sweet.

Edward's eyes are gray, his hair is kinda auburn and what he lacks in sweet transparency he makes up for in cool. Edward is emphatically cool and a little edgy, like Paul Newman wrapped with Steve McQueen sprinkled with a little William Powell.

You can tell they are brothers but you can also tell which one is more likely to crash his motorcycle into the pool while wearing a tuxedo.

[Hint: it's not Patrick]

Also unlike Patrick - who seemed to be constructed of nothing but quirks for the first several years - Edward's likes and dislikes are pretty straight-forward. He sleeps with two blankets and one pacifier and two teddy bears and Eardeer and a couple of trains and a stack of Richard Scarry books and four monster trucks and a little red car. He likes cars and bugs and trucks and trains and books and eating and Caroline, who has morphed from Cayayine to Tarayine in recent days. He also counts a lot, which I guess is his only little thing. I try not to mention numbers or say 'how much do you supppose' in his presence because the slightest thing can act like a motion sensor and once you get him started it can be hard to switch him off. He can count to twenty but he can only count to five or maybe six. Wow that sounded stupid. I should say that he can recite the numbers up to twenty but he can only count five objects before he loses track of everything like a soap opera amnesiac: "One truck, two truck, three truck, four truck, five truck... (*minor chords*) Who am I? What am I doing here?"

In the car today he said, "Tree!" 

And I said, yep.

He said, "Anudder tree! An anudder tree! An anudder tree! An anudder... ." I turned on the radio. We live in the woods you know. By the time I turned off the radio we were in the middle of the suburbs and Edward was saying, "... an anudder car! An anudder car!" 

So that's Edward.

I have a video of Edward counting to twenty that I was about to put in here and then I realized it is probably something only a mother could love. So I refrained.

[We have been watching the Olympics and whenever possible we have been cheering for Steve's birth father's homeland of Latvia. During the course of this extended patriotism I discovered the Latvian name Guntis and I love it. So we picked new Latvian names for the entire family: Edward got Guntis, Caroline is Zazka and Patrick chose Voldemars.]

I just had my first OBGyn appointment in over a year. I was supposed to schedule my annual in July, forgot about it until October and then the earliest my doctor could see me was yesterday. I always get nostalgic when I go to my OB. I suppose there are at least six miscarriages worth of crappy memories associated with her office but all I can remember is how happy I felt once we knew that babies a through b were genetically normal.

Yesterday I was in the same exam room that she used the day Caroline and Edward were born. I sat there and I remembered being in that room two years ago while she and Steve looked at me, waiting for me to decide whether I wanted to go up to L&D and have the twins that night or if I wanted to go home and see what happened. It is an exquisitely pleasant memory; that moment in which I was given a choice between having babies that very day or waiting until the next and would I like the fulfillment of years of desire with or without butterscotch?

So we did the usual annual appointment whatnot and then she asked if there was anything else and I said, well, I guess as long as we were on the subject I wouldn't mind getting her opinion on my abysmal libido.

[Caution: sex]

So my OB cocked her head to one side, inflated her lungs and talked for forty solid minutes about women and sex.

To summarize and paraphrase she said: if, god forbid, something were to happen to your husband and you found yourself dating again tomorrow I guarantee you that you would feel like a randy teenager once more. Children are exhausting but it is not just about being tired. When it's Tuesday night and you are sitting on the couch watching the Olympics, you know that you could suggest a stroll to the bedroom and you know exactly how it will end. While familiarity is comforting it is not exciting and the female brain needs to register exciting in order for the female otherbits to rise beyond merely phoning it in. So the secret - and it is a secret because it is not the sort of thing we carry around in the front of our minds like where we parked at the grocery store - is to tap into our coca-cola selves and make an effort because no one else is going to do it for us. She mentioned her niece who loves her vibrator; a patient who likes to pretend she is picking her husband up at a bar; the vast sea of erotica; the world of tasteful European soft porn that beams via satellite; et cetera et cetera et cetera. 

I know this probably all sounds very obvious to you but I stared at her like a rookie who is just happy to be on the team. It really never occurred to me that the things that thrilled me at twenty and pleased me at thirty might by thirty-eight merit little more than a polite smile or that I am personally responsible for reconsidering things. She gave me a few pieces of advice: she told me to make more time for myself. She told me to figure out what I now find deliciously naughty and really roll with it. She told me that it is important to be playful in life and mentioned that she likes to moonlight as a torch singer. Then she checked my thyroid and vitamin D levels (pending) and gave me the brochure for an herbalist who does nice things with ginseng. Just in case.   

And because I like you and I want you to be happy I am passing this pep talk along to you in hopes that you may benefit from it.

Comments

[Bramble]

Oh man, do I ever need an OB like yours!!! Female otherbits, indeed!

[geohde]

Your OB is correct on the sex thing. Now if only I had the time and energy to do something about it....I guess husband upgrades are out of the question?

Actually, my only quibble is that w the twins I don't think anything would have me feeling teenage again. Ever.

g

[Susan]

I had a toddler like Edward, and oh my goodness, did he love the digital clock on the van. He also did not like the dark, so if we were driving after dark, he would use his voice to orient himself.

"10:01"
"10:02"
"10:03"

He once did this for over an hour.

[MsCellania]

Another thought is check your E2 and P4 levels (estrogen and progesterone). As women age, these go wonky. I am on bioidentical HRT, and that also helps with keeping the juices flowing, figuratively and literally. I read Sex, Lies and Menopause and do the Wiley Protocol (sp?) now. Been on it 5 years and I love it. Yes, I do still have periods at 56, but my memory, heart health and good libido are worth it.

[Anita]

I have to honestly say---that is good to know. I will embark upon using this knowledge.

[Kathleen]

I've seen the future and the child dressed in a tux flying into the pool via moterbike is...Zazka!

I like your doctor very much; she is wise. Although I will say that nothing, absolutely nothing, had as positive an effect as my child simply growing up and my mothering duties becoming less all consuming.

Small children are tiring because they require you to 100% of their logical thinking for them and the passing of that baton over to them is so very slow. But it does happen and what a difference that makes.

Which is not to say that you must wait until they are in Drivers Education. It's just to offer a view from down the road a bit.

[winecat]

Sigh, the other way around here. Hubby had colon cancer surgery 14 years ago. We used to at least play, now nothing.

Great doctor!

[Marsha]

That book that's being advertised? The Kresley Cole one? Cole's books have some, er, inspirational writing in and amongst what are otherwise great fun tales.

[Diana]

I found out this year my vitamin D levels were low when I went to the doc hoping for anti depressants. It was low (less than half of what it should have been) and he put me on 50,000 units once a week for 8 weeks, to be followed by 1,000 units a day for...the rest of my life? the rest of the dark days? Who knows.
But anyway, it hasn't done anything for my libido (sorry), but it has changed my life. I tell everyone about it. My husband can tell when it's time for another one because I'm falling asleep early again and very grouchy with the kids...him...life. I have serious mood swings (horribly quick to frustration) that are so much better with the vitamins. I have one pill left until I go into the daily pill phase and I'm looking forward to it. It also can help with things like weight loss and good health in general.
It may, however, affect how other drugs work because my husband had a problem with his adder@ll when he took the vitamin D with it.
Also, the pep talk was extremely helpful to me and I appreciate you posting that for us!!

[ktjrdn]

sara - the JR Ward Black Dagger Brotherhood series treats women loike goddesses

[Missy]

Glad to hear so many others are in the same libido boat. Honestly, with a two year and four month old at home I don't even want to work on our love life now. Bed = Sleep

[jan]

Up there with MsCellania. Please address low libido before you enter perimenopause, because it may get a lot worse. I can't do HRT (also 56), but on my nurse practitioner's advice I use natural progesterone cream: you have to rotate massaging it into different areas of your body and then rest every three weeks, but it has helped me. Vitamin supplements and herbs may be the ticket for you, in addition to, ah, creativity and imagination. Finally, I know you don't enjoy the outdoors or exercise .... and you live in the arctic 8<] and you're tired anyway ... but regular fresh air and aerobic workouts of some sort will make a big difference in your libido. Good luck!

[Hetty Fauxvert]

Heh. Well, I always found William Powell to be one of the hottest oldtime movie stars! I love that intense look Edward is giving the camera. Now, where did he leave that motorcycle...?

(BTW, our almost-3yo twin boys do the amnesiac counting thing too. Reminds me of how "savages" are supposed to count: "one, two, and many!")

Re your OB/Gyn's little pep talk: She may possibly be the coolest doc on the planet. And, ahem, I have found the Herotica book series to be worth reading. The short stories are (usually) quiet literary, and always very hot. Rx: Read one Herotica story, and then go find your husband! LOL!

[Hetty Fauxvert]

Sigh. "Quite" literary, not "quiet" literary. Though I suppose if you can read without moving your lips, they're both.

[Sarah]

The children are adorable. And I am glad we're not the only one who take full family photos you can't send as Xmas cards unless your whole list has a sense of humor.

On the libido - don't know quite what Steve's objection is on the big snip, but mentally, I think that what restored my libido. Birth control always slowed down my libido in the past. Well, sleep helps. Lots of sleep. A few smutty books - at least romance novels whose good parts I've noted. And then read again. The worst part is probably all of the planning. Are the kids all sleeping? No one is sick? Can I think about getting in the mood?

Love your OB. I have had several and their advice has never been so kind. My favorite was candles. Which I assumed for mood, but he assumed I'd be too embarrassed to buy a d*ldo.

Good luck. Enjoy your overnight.

[Gaby]

I applaud your OB's frank and sincere concern for your return to happy libido land. I spoke with many OBs/nurse practitioner/therapists about this issue (oh, and I'm 27 and just now pregnant with my first...appparently, I made the libido get with the program at least once!), and the most common "answer" was an antidepressant. Um, do they realize that many of those ALSO decrease libido?!

I'll be interested in hearing if your thyroid or Vitamin D levels are low (if you care to share), because I could've sworn that my the source of my problems, but I never got a definitive answer. Good luck!

[surcey]

For a minute there I thought she was going to suggest the swingers' lifestyle.

[Aurelia]

I agree with the OB/Gyn about the inspiration needed and I also agree with the checking of thyroid hormones and D.

Thyroid because in my lifetime I have yet to meet a woman who has gone through IF and loss and not had an occasional off thryoid measurement, and it's worth checking. (Yes, someone will commment after me that they are the exception to the rule, great, awesome. Have fun.)

D levels, because, it's Minnessota and if research studies at U of T are to be believed, almost everyone is D deficient these days. And d affects everyone and everything, cell growth wise. (Please give kids supplements in winter, fish oil isn't a good source anymore because they changed the method of making it, or milk, feel free to use pills!)

Anyway, hope it goes well and I hope you have fun on your night out. ;)

[Kathleen]

I'm surprised to see that people are still touting the Wiley Protocal. That is the same junk science Suzanne Summer's was pushing a few years ago.

I would urge anyone to research on their own. If nothing else, read the book and the pro-Wiley websites. The lack of peer reviewed evidence is blatant. Or look up the "credentials" of Wiley and the author.

As a personal anecdote (which is not the singular of data!), my MIL recently survived a bout with a cancer where one of the main risk factors was late onset menopause. Bioidentical HRT is not an investment in good health.

[Katie]

Thank you for bringing up that topic on libido in marriage. I lost mine for years but now I am no longer married but seeing seomone infrequently I am like a teenage boy even though I am female. Its fantastic! And I thought it had gone forever but nooooo mid 40s sex is unreal.

An Australian author Bettina Arndt has recently written a book on this whole issue after interviewing a bunch of women. Its called the "Sex Diaries" and would be worth a read.

For women sex lies in the brain and when that is tired, bored, ho hum, planning, worrying it is hard to recharge the desire. Good luck in the area.

[Uccellina]

I might move to MN just to see your OB. I had that conversation with mine and he launched into a pedantic diatribe right out of the 1950s about how women are naturally slow to arouse, and need "the moon in the right phase, the lighting just right," in order to feel randy. But MEN, he stressed, well, for MEN sex is a physical NEED, a DRIVE. His advice was essentially "close your eyes and think of England." I was shocked.

[Proudmary]

Thanks for passing along the pep talk, it's something I would probably never have asked anyone about, and something that I've been wondering about as well. It all makes perfect sense when you put it that way, and I too am smiling like a rookie just happy to be part of the team! (too funny)

[mrs shortcake]

Love your blog - when I was having difficulties conceiving/carrying a child, I read through literally every back post. Thanks for being such an inspiration. Now that I'm halfway through my first sticky pregnancy, I love reading about your adorable, quirky (in the best way), children. Keep it up!

[Bella]

I've been reading your blog for what must be more than 5 years now, maybe more like 6 (could that be?). I have a not-so-vague memory of you posting a fabulous little informal poll about frequency of sex in your readership. That WAS you, right? And do I have this right? Weren't you the one who was WAAAAAAAAAAY off the charts (in my world anyway) compared to most of us when you "admitted" to DAILY sex?! I remember the amazing range your readers reported, from several times per day to no sex for more than a year or more. Suffice it to say that I fell somewhere in the middle of those "extremes." Now when I read this post, I couldn't help but wonder what your "baseline" measure was that you were comparing your current frequency/drive to (NOT that I'm asking, just couldn't help but wonder). With 3 kids, I can imagine that keeping up that pace would have been IMPOSSIBLE for mere mortals. But I could be wrong... I am so very frequently wrong on this subject.

[NL]

Offensive? Perhaps, if you are offended by graphic depictions of nookie with big, strong, fiercely loyal vampire men. It's written for women by a woman. There is some violence, but it's not usually directed at the women - and if it is, there's a big strong man to beat the perpetrator up.

[Mandy]

Wow, that is one more thing Minnesota has to offer: doctors who spend actual time talking to you! And getting to know you! Dreamy...

[Libby]

Oh Julia, you are the bestest ever! This blog entry is fantastic from top to bottom.

That is all.

[emily]

OMG, I ...I...yeah. Uh-huh -- right there with you.

[Jala Pfaff]

I'm not a mother (of humans, just of dogs and cats) but I am also a writer and I am really loving the writing on your blog.