Chunky

The other day Edward sat with the back of his head pressed against my chest as he ticked his favorite things off on his chubby fingers, "I yike cars. I yike twains. I yike Cahyine. I yike tucks. I yike books. I yike Cahyine. I yike kitheth." 

"Oh," I said, "may I have a kiss then?"

"No!" he said and laughed. "No kitheth. No haaugs! No yuv you!" Then he laughed again.

My favorite definition of a joke is that it is something which sets up one expectation but then delivers upon another. Provided this meshes with Edward's idea of humor he adores me, otherwise it's going to be a long eighteen years.

I told my mother that Edward is starting to sound like someone who has a severe speech impediment. To the layperson's ear it's as if he has every possible problem all mushed together: omissions, additions, distortions and substitutions; a farmers' omelette of disorder.

"Oh no!" said my mother but I explained that this is actually a good thing, a marked improvement over his past language which sounded like gargling.

Prior to the last couple of weeks he had been making progress in producing isolated sounds and a few key phrases ("Cayhine share!" was beautifully articulated as were critical things like "brok-o-lee peese" and "moh peach yohgut") but as soon as he started to string it all together into sentences he was totally incomprehensible. But he has had another breakthrough and now he is just mostly totally incomprehensible. Huzzah! Progress.

I know it sounds odd when I put it that way but he really is doing very well. He met all of his goals for the first 26 weeks of therapy and his pathologist just gave me his new goals for the next six months. God I love speech therapy. It was terrific for Patrick and it has been terrific for Edward, although he is progressing at a slower rate than Patrick did. Was that an unfair parental comparison? I hope not. At the time it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that Patrick would go from howling like a wolf to interning with NPR in six months but in retrospect it was amazing. Every week Patrick mastered another sound and then he was done. Edward is more languid. However I expect eventually he will speak in perfectly modulated tones and in the meantime it doesn't seem to bother him that he has to keep throwing out different words until we twig to what he needs at bedtime, "Tuck? Yehyoh tuck? Bebee yehyoh tuck pay moom?"

"You want me to bring you the baby yellow truck from the playroom?"

"Oh-TAY!"

I think having Caroline around has helped him because he tends to mimic many of her pet phrases, "That's so funny!" and "That's so silly!" being two of his favorites. Of course Caroline says, "That is just so very silly and funny, Mommy!" and Edward says, "Thasth zho shillee!" but, you know, he gets his point across. He has also taken a copyright on "Hey that's not nice!" which he says to everyone in the house - cats included - at least once a day. Infractions that result in an Edwardian reprimand can range from failure to give him a strawberry (me: Edward loves strawberries and tomatoes but I am 95% sure that both cause him to turn rashy) to sleeping on his train track (cat) to grabbing the box of crayons and running with them to the porch where the perpetrator then thrusts them before slamming the door, knowing that she can open the door again but he cannot (Caroline. obviously.) 

It is the way he says it that slays me. Like it pains him to know that we are failing ourselves when we refuse to read Scarry's big book of cars and planes and whatsits for the fifth time. More pity and sorrow than anger. Personally, I find it reassuring that he has such a true moral compass paired with such a strong sense of his obligation to correct error in others. 

Caroline in contrast is much less worried about our failings and much more interested in perhaps exploiting these weaknesses in order to get us to do what she wants. She's an artful one, she is.

A couple of days ago I discovered that she was walking around with a marble in her mouth.

[MARBLE! in her MOUTH! Aiiiiieeeeeee! Danger danger danger! Choke choke choke! Aiiiieeee!]

So I went to take it away from her and she tried to snatch it back and we sat there tugging at each others' hands with our teeth clenched while we conversed like a pair of dowagers. No vulgar verbal brawling here:

"Give me the marble, sweetheart. It's not safe to play with and I need to put it away. Let me have it please," I said.

"Caroline play with it? Yes? Mommy give it back to Caroline? Please? OK? OK! Great!" Caroline said.

Then, realizing she had the marble in her palm and I did not, she abruptly changed her tactics.

"Mommy and Caroline play hide and seek now? How fun! Mommy you go hide!"

Right. I was going to go hide and, what, leave her with the marble?

I don't think so. But artful, you see. 

I always considered myself a baby person and I still love babies (your baby, for instance) but as Caroline and Edward leave babyhood firmly behind them I find that I am not even the tiniest bit wistful. They were good babies and I enjoyed them muchly and now they are very fun toddlers and I am enjoying that just as muchly. I look forward to what comes next: The Preschool Years, and I imagine Edward's little crayoned sermons and Caroline asking Santa for a set of lock-picks.

*

I am not really sure what the specific plans are for the farm. It had been owned by an elderly woman who raised sheep and kept horses (hence the barns and stables) but there have not been animals on the property for at least a few years. She leased a bit of land to a guy who still waters his cattle at the pond and grazes them on the hillside. Steve and Jeff are looking into whether some of the land can be certified for organic growing since it has been out of agricultural use for over twenty years which should mean that residual pesticides are low. Any farming will be leased out. The woods are enrolled in a program with the Wisconsin DNR and continuing with that was part of the purchase agreement so there is some forestry management. I know that Steve and Jeff will be planting food plots for deer and they have spent the past decade theorizing about the best ways to manage that population but the topic bores me stupid so I know little to nothing about it. There is a trout stream that I am excited about although I am sure that is news to you as I have never before mentioned my affection for fishing. Patrick is anxious to increase his morel empire by expanding operations to a new state and he projects a record haul this year. Every day after school he has been taking his mushroom journal to last year's hot spots and recording soil temperatures. He and Steve are very excited by the warmer than average March followed by the recent rains here and they anticipate an early morel season.

I suggested that they get matching hats saying "Team Fun Guys" and they both thought this was a pretty good idea, which tells you what geeks they are. Seriously.

Speaking of mushrooms I just spent an hour with google trying to figure out if there is any reason why Patrick could not use ebay to sell his dried and vacuum sealed packets of morels and I still do not know. Do you? The state of Minnesota's website has left me very clear on the fact that I am not allowed to cater bar mitzvahs out of this kitchen nor I am allowed to jar and sell mayonnaise but on the topic of virtual lemonade-cum-mushroom stands they are silent.

*

I got my lab results back and my Vitamin D levels are low so that is something. My liver function is also not what I think one would like to see in a healthy person of average habits but I have not yet been able to talk to my doctor; I am just basing this on the numbers they sent me and the normal ranges they listed.

I have been keeping my "headache" journal and it seems obvious to me that the visual ooginess is linked to hormones. A chunk of the month I feel totally fine and a chunk of the month I do not. I find this sort of depressing because what on earth do you do about the fact that you are being poisoned by your own estrogen. I cannot decide whether I should see a neurologist or a - I am laughing as I type this because do they even see non-baby wanting patients? - reproductive endocrinologist. Or maybe my OB? I feel like something is out of whack here.

*

I totally forgot to mention this but I looked into all of your good ideas for getting Edward and Caroline out of the house next year. What I really wanted was a program just like the preschool Patrick started when he was three. So it finally occurred to me to call the wonderful director of his old school and ask her if she might be willing to take Caroline and Edward a little early. She said that she would need to file a variance with the county to allow her to take them before 33 months (they'll be 32 and change on September 1st) but that it was no big deal and that she'd be happy to do it. We discussed being flexible based on whether or not they enjoy it (if either of them - ahem Edward ahem - seem a little young for it we'll just pull him (or her. but him) out and try again later. But! For now the plan is for them to attend preschool two mornings a week starting in the Fall. I am SO excited and I think they will really really like it. Especially Caroline.

*

I have been meaning to get your opinion on this for a while but I couldn't figure out how to phrase it properly. I want to get your thoughts - general and specific - on extracurricular activities and what the point is supposed to be. Here is the deal: Patrick went to a birthday party two years ago that was held at a local gym. He really enjoyed it and every time we drove past the gym he would say that he would like to try tumbling again. So last August I signed him up for a beginning tramp and tumble class and he has been in that class, seven weeks at a time, ever since.

Patrick has a problem with coordinating his large motor movements. Anything that requires him to synchronize big motions with both sides of his body, like pedaling a bike or swimming (or gymnastics) is really hard for him. If we were a family of circus performers this might be a major problem but we're not, so it is not. You know, it literally just occurred to me as I am typing this that we could probably put him in OT and if he ever seems to be troubled by it we probably will. Or should we be more proactive? What do you think, any OT experience to share? Consider that a side question.

One of the things that I liked about the tumbling class is that it seemed to be helping Patrick figure out how to move his limbs. The first two sessions he was like one of those spinning fireworks that send explosions along different points of a circle but by the third session he finally mastered a skill and got a ribbon and he was SO PROUD of himself. Oh, I forgot that part. To get out of beginner tumbling you have to master nine skills and for each one you get a ribbon. So the next session he didn't get any but the session after that he got two in a row and he felt great and I thought well this is working out and then... nothing. He got a new teacher and he stopped making progress.

After a few months I thought maybe I should talk to someone about it so I stopped by the desk and made a complete ass out of myself.

The guy asked politely what he could do for me and I blurted out that my son has been in beginning tumbling for eight months and he has only gotten three ribbons. And I am pretty sure I sounded like I was having a super-special-snowflake moment because the guy looked at me with total disdain and asked, "Well is he having fun?" and I said, "Uh, well, yes" and he said, "And isn't that all that matters?"

So I blushed and said of course of course and slunk back to the corner where I like to sit and watch the three year old class. They're adorable.

But after I thought about it a bit I got sort of defensive. Because, yes, I want it to be fun but I also wanted him to learn some tumbling skills (hence the $135 a session; as Steve said we could put a mattress on the floor of the basement - that'd be fun) and right now all we seem to be teaching Patrick is that he really really truly sucks at tumbling and no matter how hard he tries he continues to suck.

For what it is worth his current instructor is a high school kid and although I think he is very nice I think Patrick's learning curve might have been steep enough to defeat him.

So what I am wondering - and this is the main question because I really welcome your thoughts - is whether it is enough for Patrick to be enjoying his once a week class without any gains in his skill level or if there is some expectation for progress. It seems to me that playing on a soccer team is worthwhile even if you are terrible at soccer because there are things like teamwork and winning and losing and running around and learning to be coached and interacting with others. Do you keep paying someone to teach you Spanish if you never learn a word of Spanish? But if I pull him out of tumbling is that just affirming that I don't think he can do it? Big picture question: why do kids do activities outside of school? Little picture question: what would you do with Patrick? Did I mention that he likes it but he is discouraged by his abilities?

Comments

[Sara]

I've never commented before but I wanted to pass on some info about possible activities. Try the school district for community education. I too live in MN (outside of the twin cities) and even our tiny little district has community education (you might even get the booklets in the mail twice a year). $135 for 7 weeks of a class seemed expensive to me when through community education we paid $36 for 6 weeks of karate taught by a true black belt instructor (and even better than that she allows the kids to attend any of her classes so technically you could go to karate 5 days a week if you wanted.....for $36 every 6 weeks). We finally just pulled our son out because he didn't seem to be trying and every week I had to drag him out of the house (he was in it for 6 months). We are going to retry again maybe in the fall once he gets a little older (he's only 6). Also its not based on income like some community ed things.....everyone pays $36. I hope this helps! By the way your writing is awesome!

[cathy]

Definitely talk to Patrick -- the next time he expresses either enthusiasm or frustration about the tumbling, ask him how he feels about the class: make sure he knows that it's okay with you if he enjoys tumbling and never is the best at it and okay with you if he decides he's done.

(That's assuming that it is okay with you either way. If the expense seems excessive, then I'd use that as an excuse to suggest trying something else for fun. And if the lack of coordination nags at you, then get some OT. But I'd try to disaggregate those concerns from the question of whether or not Patrick's enjoying himself.)

I admit that I have no parenting experience to back up this advice -- though my three-year-old shows every sign of having inherited her mother's complete lack of physical grace, so I'm anticipating such conversations in my own future. But I have vast experience as an exceptionally bad child athlete. (Brief illustration: I was on a summer swim team for four years, and in the odd years I came in last place in every single race I swam. In the even years I came in next-to-last place in every race I swam, because those years I was in the same age bracket as a teammate with Down Syndrome. I always felt like those fifth-place ribbons should have had an asterisk on them.) My sense is that such situations require real parental tact: I knew I sucked, and it didn't really bother me, but I did worry a lot about whether it bothered my parents. As a result I think that I spent too long in activities I really hated as a kid (swim team), partly because I was convinced that quitting would have entailed some moral or character failure. Ballet, on the other hand, I actually enjoyed, despite sucking at it, and I would have been mortified if my parents had said that they couldn't justify the expense given my lack of grace.

So I cringe when I hear parents say that kids have to learn how to persevere at things they suck at -- yeah, absolutely, perseverance is a useful virtue, but kids are also human beings with talents and preferences, and life provides ample opportunities for learning such lessons; no need to schedule and pay for them. On the other hand, I cringe when I hear parents say that they can't justify encouraging their children to pursue activities they know the kids will find difficult because that seems like an inverse error: shouldn't the kids be able to have some input into what counts as worth doing? Teaching Patrick that he is allowed to consult his own pleasure and his own priorities when deciding whether or not to do something is a perfectly good lesson, too.

[Karen]

Julia - about the headache/hormone link - I went to see a neurologist at my PCP's suggestion. The neuro was a woman in her late 30s and when I casually linked my headaches to perimenopausal hormone rollercoasters she looked confused. She said she'd never heard of perimenopausal migraines and I should get an MRI. UGH. So if you do go see a neurologist, try to find someone who actually understands that hormonal shifts can cause headaches.

About extracurriculars - my oldest DD has tried karate, gymnastics and soccer. It turns out she loves to be the soccer goalie and that's what she's done for the last two years. She's an average player (at goalie she's above average, tho) but her team appreciates her and we love that she gets out there for practice and games with a smile on her face. For us the benefits are excercise and teamwork. This girl needs a lot of each.

Our other DD is anxious in competitive situations and not so coordinated with eye/hand. Thus she is in ballet. She loves the costumes and the comraderie and the recital. I'd also love for her to be a runner (she's really good) but opportunities don't yet exist for her.

I think there are many good reasons to offer Patrick a sporty extracurricular activity. Check with him about whether he is enjoying the tumbling. Offer him some alternatives; maybe even take him to an intro karate class or something to give him a chance to experience it like he did with tumbling at a birthday party.

[Jan]

What others say about benefits of XC activities. And OT and either finding a new gym/instructor or another sport, although as one who loved loved loved gymnastics classes as a child, I think there's something special about it. I would just add that there would be benefits for the development not just of your snowflake's body, but of his fine brain in that OT/coordination exercise also helps the brain hemispheres work together. Will he continue to swim? That's a big help, because arms and legs on each side have to coordinate.

[Bethf]

I never comment but for some reason felt the need today. I haven't read the other comments so maybe this was already said. Have you thought about putting him in Boy Scouts. They have tons of stuff for non-coordinated types. I think it is important for all kids to find an extra-curricular activity that they are good at and enjoy. Whether it is a sport, band, Boy Scouts, whatever.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Maybe Etsy for the morels? There is a food section on there and I've seen lots of different things for sale.

[Shawn]

Hi! You said "You know, it literally just occurred to me as I am typing this that we could probably put him in OT and if he ever seems to be troubled by it we probably will."

Well, if he enjoys tumbling class but is beginning to become troubled by his abilities, I think it is time for an OT assessment. It's a little bit like you answered your own question, but didn't quite connect the dots. :)

[GingerB]

Julia, I just want to start out saying how much I love your readers. This is the only blog where I actually read every single comment because I get so much info from what your readers have to say.

I just joined Little Gym, for my nearly four year old girl, who like a birthday poarty she went to and who is tiny but a bit oaf-ish, and for my twenty month old with mild CP who gets piles and piles of therapy already. I did the baby class to give her movement opportunities that are simply fun, and when we did our free intro class she laughed out loud when I tried to get her to run (she can't quite walk independently) and that filled me so with delight that I willingly handed over my credit card. My older daughter seemed to be flying around the room joyfully and that was enough for me for now.

I was clumsy until I took daily ballet in college. I wish I'd had more opportunities to improve my self esteem. I say just keep trying, work on the teacher or try something new, just don't give up.

[victoria]

I have a strong reaction to your post. First, "at the time it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that Patrick would go from howling like a wolf to interning with NPR in six months," you are funnier than David Sedaris's Me Talk Pretty One Day.

Second, if he's not getting ANY ribbons, he's not making any progress, and if he's not making ANY progress (even if he's a clumsy kid) that probably means he's getting neglected by the very nice h.s. student teacher. S/he doesn't know how to help Patrick progress, and probably doesn't feel comfortable pushing him too aggressively, and may have just let him tumble around in what is more or less benign neglect.

Except it's not really benign. It's a waste of time and a lost opportunity for Patrick to develops some coordination that could possibly allow him to participate in a team sport later on (which does SO much to boost your self-esteem, as I -- who discovered team sports only in adulthood -- can attest).

It's a lot easier to learn how to use your body when you're seven or eight than when you're in your twenties.

[Maggie]

I am sorry I don't have advice on Patrick's gym stuff, but look forward to reading the comments - I may be seeing this issue myself soon.

But I was just reminded of one of my very favorite books ever - your description of Edward having more pity and sorrow than anger - and had to mention it to you. I don't remember seeing it in any previous book discussions, but we share a love of so many of the same books (too many to mention here, but trust me. we do.)... have you read The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey? Yes she's a mystery writer but this is a bit different. I love it very much and you might too. I have to read it every year at least.

I love your writing!

[Penny]

I'm moved to comment today.

I have 2 kids, 4 & 7. And I have been thinking a lot about extracurricular activities. The 7-year-old is the one forcing me into all these thoughts.

For my kids, here are the reasons I spend (so much) money on activities:
1. Learning how to learn. I want to see my child work with the teacher (focus, ask questions, communicate needs and wants), learn how to practice, know that it takes sweat and tears to make progress, knowing that progress comes from effort, etc...
2. Learn a skill. This can be a physical activity, a language, an art thing, etc...
3. Learn that everyone has different strengths. Knowing first hand that people learn different skills at different speeds, I think, helps her to be empathetic to others' ramp-up speed (and her own).
4. Learn to invest in yourself. I talk to the 7-year-old about how much activities cost, and why we do them, and why I will not pay for certain activities if I fail to see her taking advantage of my investment in her. And I tell her it carries through in other areas, including college or any other post-secondary education. I've cancelled her lessons when I fail to see her giving it a good effort, etc...

Fun is so important, but it's so easy for me to do "fun" with my children that I rarely want to pay others to do activities just for "fun".

It is clearly a personal thing. I think that if my child is lacking in a certain sort of skill set (say, hand-eye coordination), then I will probably enroll her in some related activity. And I'd expect slow progress. But I'd be very picky about the teacher. It takes an extraordinary teacher to teach a student who is particularly lacking in talent in the skill being taught. Not just to get the student to make progress, but to make the experience a worthwhile experience.

If my child is weak in a certain area (music, let's say) but it's not severely affecting her quality of life, I'd probably not work on it. Everyone has strengths. And though it's good for everyone to learn humility, working on your particularly weak area seems costly (both money-wise and mental-health-wise.)

Good luck whatever you do.

[Tania]

OT is a wonderful wonderful thing, I wish I had NOT pulled my daughter from the private clinic when she started Kindegarten, but the school gave us a hard time because she would be missing a half a day a week, looking back I should have told them to stick their worries right where the ole sun don't shine!! They had convinced me she could get it at school but guess what? Due to the state of Maine's lovely budget deficiet they highered (lowered?) where the child had to be to get OT at school and even though she was 9 months behind in the one opposite of fine motor and 24 months behind in fine she didn't qualify...she is now 7.5 and her Pediatrician is fighting to get her into OT for me, and if he can't get her into the school program I am putting her back at the private clinic.....yuppers I do kick myself in the ass.....as she looks like an ass when she runs, not trying to be mean and people out there I do love my child, but she cann't run, sumersaults are something of a fright and I won't even tell you about a cartwheel.......plus she herself sees it...they have mile club at lunch and she will not participate (even though you get a nice little foot charm for a necklace)because she can't keep up with her peers...soooo I vote YES on OT....goodnes me, I ran on so much about OT I forgot what the rest of your questions were...or it could just be I don't remember shit anymore without going back and rereading things over and over and over and over..............good luck!

[Sarah]

Shawna: OT=occupational therapy
PT=physical therapy
Hope that helps!

[elsimom]

I'm was very strong academically growing up(not as gifted as Patrick, but still . . .) but also not very coordinated. It was very frustrating to me not to achieve in sports. BUT - it was also a good reminder that not everything is easy. Ultimately, there are some things I like doing, even though I'm not very good, and others where I just acknowledge that I don't like to work very hard at things I'm not good at, and I don't pursue them.
Most important- I think - is to instill an enjoyment of physical activity in academically gifted kids. I'm not sure I fully embraced that, and it kind of stands in my way as an adult when I'd rather read than exercise (although when I find a fun class then I get all inspired for a while).

So -I think it's important to try a variety of physical activities, and then stick with the ones you like, even if you're not great at them. Maybe if you sample around a bit, and it turns out that tumbling is his passion - then great, you go back. If swimming or basketball or karate are his thing - then you've given it a try.

Also - some sports (including hiking - hello Morels!) are life sports that one can enjoy throughout life. I don't know that tumbling is one of them - so maybe you consider introducing him to something like tennis or golf or swimming and see how he likes that?

My son is in Kung Fu - it's pretty low key, and the belt testing (from what I can observe) ramps up slowly in terms of how good you have to be to move forward. We have really noticed how Kung Fu has helped him to organize his movements. There's a community ed program in the Twin cities with TONS of locations and times and it's only one night a week - very inexpensive. We really like the instructor - email me if you want info.

[KeBark]

Michelle linked me to your blog.....

I have three involved in gymnastics currently and I cannot say enough good things about that sport! WONDERFUL for balance, coordination, you name it!!

That said.... it sounds like maybe you need to look for another gym. The one my children go to is wonderful. Not every child will work well with every instructor, and it sounds to me like maybe Patrick needs a different one. If that takes moving to another gym, so be it.

When my middle child started, we put her at a gym close to us. She had fun, but I was REALLY frustrated that after a few months (and quite a bit of $), she still couldn't do a forward roll properly ---- and nobody was making any effort to correct her. We tried another gym some 30 minutes from us but worth every moment of the drive and she now does handstands, cartwheels, back walkovers on the BEAM and it's amazing how far she has come. The other two started no long after we moved. Neither of them are athletic, but it doesn't matter. The new gym has a place for both - even has the oldest competing in a fun group. Everyone gets a ribbon, that kind of thing - she loves it.

I would STRONGLY recommend looking around for other gyms. Many offer free trial classes and are happy to talk about their programs with you!!

Really though - if he likes it and is happy, that IS what matters. I've seen kids stay in the "rec" program for ages with nothing but smiles on their faces. They don't care about moving up, they just want to be out there tumbling with their feet in the air!

[Anita]

Just came back to add that our son knew things were harder for him than others. there's a piece of equipment at the play ground that he used to shake--quiver---trying to climb b/c he wasn't strong enough. Now he can do it and is so excited. OT made a big difference.

It's really about his confidence and fun right now. I think, actually, it's always going to be about his fun and confidence. <--that sounds lame. Sometimes, we have to convince him he's going to have fun.

[Heather g]

I have had hormonal headaches for years and they changed after pregnancy (auras). In the end I found completely eliminating coffee helped the most. I still get headaches around day 3 and 14 but they are manageable with pain killers and I don't have to take to bed for 18 hours.
My friend also gets them and unfortunately it seems that time has been the best healer ie maybe it takes years to settle after pregnancy or maybe there are some advantages to hitting 40.
Take care.

[Jessy]

The only extracurricular for me with an end goal of learning is swimming. (Safety issue.) Being bad at something won't kill Patrick and will likely make him a better coper. Keep checking in to see if he thinks it is fun, and as long as he does and you can afford it, let him keep going. But also encourage him to try something new.

What an awful message you would send by saying (tacitly, of course) "You're not good at this. Don't do it."

I laughed at the comment above about pulling one's kid out of tumbling because she had no future in it. Yeah ... neither do 99% of kids who do it.

[Sarah]

Voting for OT for the P.

My D was critically low at the end of last year and after a month of 5,000 IUs a day, I felt normal again and am doing great. New doctor bumped it to 10,000 IU for a couple months.

My hormones were making me nuts/miserable and the only thing I hadn't tried was changing my diet. So I begrudgingly changed my diet, sure that it wouldn't make a difference. It made a HUGE difference. If Edward is allergic to tomatoes, you may be too. Try avoiding all Nightshade family plants (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, green/red/yellow peppers) for at least a month, maybe six weeks.

I also gave up gluten and chocolate. My crazy went away completely and I lost five pounds in a month.

[Kirsten]

On your issues, I would consider either a endocrinologist or (perhaps also) a rheumatologist. There is some overlap there but both deal with issues that are thought to be triggered by hormone changes. (I have been dealing with issues similar to yours).
In terms of Patrick, I will add my voice to the many who said yes to OT. Not because Patrick's issues sound so serious (they don't) but because in my experience OT, particularly gross motor skill OT, can be really fun for the kid, and because kids actually make progress. At least mine did. My son's OT was just at a local big gym with an OT specialist. He did everything the other kids did, just one on one. And he loved it. Now he doesn't qualify for OT anymore and has to do the group classes!

[Kathryn T]

I'm dyspraxic. I did OT for a couple years, starting when I was just about Patrick's age, and it changed. my. life. I'm still not any good at any of the things that I was in therapy for, but I'm now normal-people-no-good, not pathologically-no-good. I could dance with my FIL at my wedding without tripping; when people throw me their car keys, I catch them more than half the time; I can knit and crochet, and write semi-legibly with an effort. Plus, I frickin loved the OT, it was a ton of fun. OT all the way!!

[Meg]

I'm an OT and soooo happy to see everyone's comments about how helpful it can be to kids! It sounds like Patrick may have something they've recently started calling "developmental coordination disorder". These kids would have been labeled as "clumsy" or "accident-prone" years ago but now it turns out there is a neurological basis for their challenges in developing gross motor skills and coordinated movements. A new intervention called CO-OP (cognitive orientation to daily occupational performance) has been especially successful with kids with DCD. It takes a cognitive strategy and applies it to learning skills like riding a bike, shooting a basketball, even dealing with bullies! I think it would be a great idea to have Patrick assessed with something like the BOT-MP (Bruininks-Oseretsky Test of Motor Proficiency), VMI (Developmental Test of Visual-Motor Integration), Movement ABC (Movement Assessment Battery for Children), or TGMD (Test of Gross Motor Development). These would give you an idea of how he's performing relative to his peers and help establish therapy goals. I know I'm biased (clearly!) but I think an OT could definitely help with his gross motor skills, coordination, and, as a result, his self-esteem. Hope that helps!

[Terri C]

No input on kid activities; I have always sucked at anything requiring coordination. Re: your health, I am more concerned about the liver function than the hormones although they may be connected. I think prompt followup is indicated!

[Christiana]

Headaches: if you are worried about your hormone levels, your OBGYN should likely do the trick. Honest.

Patrick tumbling: I'd either talk to the teacher or the nice man at the front desk and ask that same question with the caveat that yes, he likes it and is having fun, but he is discouraged, so now what? throw it back in their court and find out what the actual problem is, or if it is completely normal and average to be in beginning tumbling for this long (I don't know. I quit gymnastics at 4, though I loved it, but my teacher retired). You aren't looking to raise a future olympian, and you're well aware of that, so your questions are valid. I wonder if the man at the desk is thinking you might be one of those stage-parents and he's bringing you back to earth.

[TheLetterL]

Goodness, for someone who's never commented before, I sure have a lot to say on this post.

Random thought, if you're concerned about Patrick's coordination: Do you think Patrick could be enticed to take up tap dancing? The instant auditory feedback may help him be more aware of his movements, and adjusting how he taps his tootsies is probably less intimidating than whole body gymnastic contortions.

[Amy]

See your OB if your cycles are causing you grief. I had a HELL of a time figuring out how to get myself on an even keel after being pregnant. My reproductive system took a looooong hiatus post-birth and my PMS was utterly, terrifyingly, depressingly awful for a while once it did come back. I talked to my midwife/gyno and my friend who is an herbalist and did a lot of reading and then starting taking some vitamins and herbs. The combination of that and weaning eventually did the trick. Sure, I get manageable headaches and weepiness now, but NOTHING like it was for a while.

So I take vitex (I get a tincture from my friend), 100mg of B6 (I was doing 200 for a while and then cut back to 100 to see what would happen--I noticed no difference. When this bottle runs out I'll try a month or two without.), and a good women's multi-vitamin. When I started I took one of those vitamins that are so loaded with stuff you need 6 in one day. Once things improved I switched to a more basic one. I ran out of vitex one month and I let it go to see what would happen. That month was AWFUL. I really think it helps regulate things for me.

[Allison]

As a child who was forced into an unbelievable number of activities, most of which I did not enjoy, I would encourage you to let Patrick take the class as long as he is enjoying it. If he feels he is not learning as easily as he was with the other teacher, perhaps you could see if he could get in a class taught by someone else? Sometimes the teacher-student connection just doesn't work.

If you can afford it (money and time-wise), sign him up for soccer! Or skating! See if he likes another activity better, but don't pull him out of tumbling unless he asks for it. That really might seem like you don't think he can do it...

[Quailsx]

I agree with others who have said that if it is a class where progress is expected, and Patrick isn't making progress, you might look into a different teacher/ activity. I'd like to add my vote to the martial arts tally, too. My 9-year-old was really uncoordinated, on top of ADHD/ behavior problems, and after a couple of years in taekwondo, he's like a different kid (in a good way!). Our school doesn't really withhold the next belt-- each kid gets individual attention if they struggle, and the mental and character aspects are stressed as strongly as the physical. I'm biased since I am also an instructor, though. He also does swim lessons and skis, so only individual sports for him, but it all helps with his clumsiness, and offers advancement to the next level, with minimal competition with other kids. Team sports can be tough for the unathletic, especially since so many kids start so little and wind up being super athletes by first grade.

[June]

@Tralala --

What does an eating delay look like? My 18 month old isn't picky, but he's just never that interested in food. (He was a month early and had a hard time nursing at first but then he got it and is still VERY interested in that.) He also does this weird/completely exasperating thing where he will often hold a bite of food in his mouth for up to 45 minutes until it explodes out in a cascade of drool. I mean, sure he only has 4 teeth, but we're talking about things he has no problem chewing. Bread, banana, whatever.

He's also a late talker, and never went through a phase where he stuck random things in his mouth. I'm wondering if his oral motor muscles are underdeveloped. But I have no idea what I'm talking about. Any opinions? I trust Julia's readers far more than the rest of the internet :)

[NL]

There's not much that I could say that wouldn't be a repeat of everything said here... soo...

OT = yes!
Karate = Yes +
Vit D = Yes, Yes, Yes, a million times over. It has changed my life!

[sarah]

I would keep the tumbling, and get him some OT. He's not 'growing out of it', and even though you aren't circus performers, those are actually pretty important skills. Furthermore, the ladies usually go for guys that are comfortable in their bodies, and guys who are not, tend to get left on the sidelines. Yeah, that's right, I'm looking a bit far ahead here, but I'm 'keeping it real'. Oy.

[Carla Hinkle]

Why do we do extra curriculars? To keep the little darlings busy, burn off excess energy, and avoid the temptations of TV/computer time (for me as well as for them, I can very easily get sucked into too much internet/TV if we're home a lot).

I guess I would ask Patrick if he likes tumbling and wants to keep doing it, or would want to try something else/another teacher/etc. I make my kids take swimming until they are VERY proficient swimmers but everything else is up to them, really (within reason, of course).

My 6 year old has swimming 2X per week ... ballet 1X ... and usually a floating 4th activity (was yoga for a while, now it's photography). The 3 year old has swimming 2X per week, a pre-school music class 1X, and a dance class (20 min ballet, 20 min tap) 1X. In my house we all do better when we are busy but that's just how we roll.

[A.]

Chiming in on Patrick's issue--I would agree with the idea of keeping him in tumbling (provided he enjoys it), but trying some different strategies to see if he can make some progress. Working on something you aren't naturally talented at is good for kids (and adults), provided you do actually get better at it--even if you get better very slowly. And learning how to struggle *productively* with something that is challenging for you is a really useful life skill--especially for people like Patrick, who are good at a lot of things, and who might therefore be inclined just to ignore the areas that don't come easily.

But struggling productively doesn't mean just plugging away, doing the same thing over and over with the same results. It means noticing when something isn't working, and coming up with other approaches to try. (I teach college students who struggle with writing and reading--not a problem Patrick will ever have, I know!--and many of the ones who don't progress do *try*, and make a lot of effort, but they put their effort into things that don't actually help. It can be a big hurdle to get them to understand that just putting time in isn't necessarily going to lead to improvement, depending on what they're spending the time doing.)

So anyway, I think this tumbling class can be a good opportunity for Patrick to develop skills for struggling productively with something. I'd suggest brainstorming with him about things you and he could do--make it clear that it's not a problem for you if he never gets any ribbons, but that if he thinks he might like to get some, what are some things he can try to get better at the skills they're working on? The other commenters here have lots of good ideas, which you can share with him as part of the discussion, but I'd say to use this learning opportunity, you want to get *him* thinking about different strategies (as opposed to saying, "here's what we're going to do."). He might want to switch teachers (if that's possible), or try another activity, or he may have some good ideas we haven't thought of yet!

[Kathleen]

In this economy this is probably widly inappropriate to say...but have you considered throwing money at the problem? Perhaps the teenager could use an extra $10 a week and patrick could come 15 minutes early or stay late for a bit of extra help.

Or, as has been suggested, add on another activity. When my son asked to sign up for hip hop lessons, I feared for his safety and the safety of those around him. He loved it (bless teachers who praise effort over outcome and give everyone a big part in the recitals), then signed up for ballet. We were...apprehensive, as ballet is far more demanding, far earlier. Did I mention the grumpy, Russian teacher who clearly thought the American prohibition against teachers using canes to "correct" students was ridiculous?

Well, a few months of ballet did what the previous ten years had not done in terms of him "growing out of it." Not to mention his deep affection for his teacher and his true pride in earning small bits of praise from him. I never, ever would have expected that. I think my son just just happened to hit the approach that was the key to opening up friendly talks between his brain and limbs.

Watching him sing and dance at the same time in his Senior musical felt like not a small miracle.

Personally, I'm the kind of money who would spend the money on Spanish lessons if my kid truly enjoyed it even if they weren't learning a thing. If he was enjoying it, then it would be fulfilling some need he had, even if I couldn't see or understand it.

Oh, but since this is already too long, I'll plow on and add the skating lessons fiasco. He wanted to learn to skate, so I signed him up for group lessons. The boy could not get out of the beginers group, so I added private lessons. No progress. When his frustration overcame his optimism, we were more than happy to shut that down.

It's more important to us that he learns to bown out gracefully than sacrafice his sanity for his art despite the legions who warned us we were setting up a life long habit of "quitting everything." {Does it make a bad person that I can still remember every person who lectured me on that and I deeply want to send them a photocopy of his college admission letter with the full tuition scholarship offer attached?)

You poor woman, you asked such good questiosn and I cannot shut up. Okay, well, good luck!

[Anja]

I used to have severe monthly headaches when I was on the pill (it took me several years to figure out the reason). They stopped when I got off the pill. So I would definitely think that your headaches are connected to the IUD (it was a hormone one, wasn't it?), particularly if they started after you got the IUD.

[Elizabeth]

I don't have kids, but I do remember being a terrible athlete growing up and taking gymnastics, dance, and horseback riding.

If he's having fun, and not super self conscious about it - let him keep going for now. It's exercise, gets him around other kids, and if he's having fun, what more can you ask for? I LOVED gymnastics even if I was terrible and didn't have the body for it. (I probably would have kept going except I destroyed my ankle in a great example of how I only get hurt in the most unusual situations.) This was different than ballet and t-ball, both of which I HATED.

[tree town gal]

Ah... finally a topic with which we are familiar... tumbling that makes the momma bobble. Truly, we have seen a vast improvement in our daughter the minute, no, the second, she had a good teacher. We yanked her from the local Y program with high school "instructors" who never offered the slightest suggestions for mastering skills. Often I wanted to just pop onto the mat to help the kids. But the better gymnastics program provided experienced teachers that actually seemed to watch and then teach each child based on his/her particular strengths and weaknesses. Fee here is about $18/hour. My daughter just had huge leaps in mastering skills... and her confidence soared. No, she will compete at an elite level but she has gained confidence and strength. And I'm not nearly as irritated on a weekly basis. And that counts for a great deal in this household.

[winecat]

"Caroline asking Santa for a set of lock-picks."
That just slays me and seems a perfectly reasonable request for Caroline to make given her cleverness.

[Kristi]

Did not read any comments... but my Mom read the hormone book by Suzanne Sommers and went to a hormone doctor (our Gyno does it too) and receives some kind of hormone pellet (as a shot) in her butt every few months and SWEARS by it.

My stepmom gets blinding headaches and weird things and has linked it to her diet. Really weird stuff she can't eat but if she stays away from it, voila. Everything goes back to food.

Re: gymnastics. If he's having fun, he's having fun! I totally get it though and am bugged when we get lame teachers. They may have fun but you want them to learn too. I would just keep an eye out on it or ask if you can get the old teacher back.

[Courtney]

Julia, I stopped reading after you mentioned your liver results in conjunction with your vitamin D levels...whatever your doctor says, please make sure you get tested for celiac disease! Your symptoms are/were terribly similar to mine and the low level of vitamin d led to my diagnosis. Have you ever been anemic? That's another symptom. Anyway, I am going to finish reading now but just wanted to recommend that once you talk to your doctor to please request this test in addition to whatever else he has in store for you.

[SarahB]

I don't think I have anything to add that several others haven't already said, but I just wanted to say thank you to you, Julia, and to so many others that commented. I have frequent migraines that I've just been doing my best to ignore, but I have some good ideas of what to investigate. I also will be suggesting OT to a good friend of mine whose son is having academic difficulties now, with most the problems stemming from his difficulty holding a pencil. Thanks everyone!

[Alison]

I always wonder whether comment #92+ is at all relevant (you get so much more bang for your buck on my site!), but I am going through exactly the same thing with Anna and her ballet. After 18 months she can point her toe, do the same 'galloping' she did a year ago and that seems to be the extent of it - except she LOVES it and her teachers seem to be of the opinion that you can't expect much more at this age, except she makes up stuff at home that is lightyears ahead....

Oh well, as always, a brilliant read. Thankyou.

[Anna S.]

I don't know whether you should pull Patrick out of the class or not, but if you do, I think you should explain to him that you don't think the teacher is very good. Tell him you'll look for another class with a better instructor, if he wants you to.

[Denise]

When I was a kid, my parents rewarded my prowess at curricular and extracurricular activities with attention and praise, and they pretty much ignored everything I didn't do well. So I quickly learned to invest my time and energy in things I was naturally good at and not bother with the other stuff, which is how I ended up spending all my time baton-twirling and reading 19th-century novels.

When I got to high school I went through a little period of rebellion and took up running. I was terrible, and my parents never came to any of my meets, but it was so liberating to do an activity where no one was looking too closely at my performance (not to mention one where I could wear sneakers instead of high-heeled boots).

As an adult I got curious about some of the other stuff I had missed out on because I wasn't automatically good, and my horizons have really broadened: statistics, flying lessons, skiing, etc.

The moral of the story is, whatever happens, DON'T let Patrick take up baton twirling.

[Jenny]

Both my preschool and kindergarten teachers sent notes home about my apparently scary lack of coordination. I was tested and am fairly certain I would have been sent for therapy nowadays. Our pediatrician told my mom to get me into as much physical stuff as possible. You can imagine the torture that gymnastics, tap, ballet, and church league basketball were for a klutzy, pudgy kid. Finally my parents discovered swim team and miracle of miracles, I was finally non-remedial at something! I never learned how to ride a bike, though, and it still bugs me.

[CC]

My 10 year old son had difficulties and joined a kid fit class at my health club and at the same time started OT. We then became involved with some low key gymnastics (it was a homeschool PE class at a gymnastics gym but it wasn't totally gymnastics more like a PE class in a gym with access to some gymnastics. Well...the OT helped the gymnastics and the gymnastics helped the OT. The two went well together. He is now dismissed from OT and has gone back to public school so he is taking regular (more intense) after school gymnastics class. He is in the same beginners class as his 5 year old brother. He is as happy as a clam. He won't be as happy in a year when they say that his brother is ready for the next class and he isn't but hopefully we can figure out what to do when we get to that bridge. Also, swimming laps has been terrific for him. I would like him to join a low key swim team but I can only find a hyper competitive one. Swimming has been another activity that has improved his core strength and been really important with him motor stuff.

Good luck.

[Jujubee]

Is there another teacher that Patrick can try out? It's seems like he there is a correlation between the teacher and Patrick's progress, so I don't think Patrick is just unable to gain these skills.

My daughter tried out several gymnastics classes; at most of them they just introduced the skill and let the kids decide how far they wanted to try. That did not work at all for my daughter - she wouldn't try anything. Then we tried one teacher who did little things like hold my daughter's hand to walk from the line to the bar (for example) or would give her extra spotting the first time to make her feel more secure. She made incredible progress in the year we were there, and by the time we left was very skilled for her age group. The teacher makes an incredible difference. For those times we had to miss a regular class, I would take her to a make up class with another teacher, but I always felt like it was a waste of time because my daughter would not participate or would do things timidly/half-heartedly.

We've since moved across the country (and I haven't found a place I've liked nearly as much). My daughter still speaks fondly of her old coach and gym.

[Jen the Catalyst]

My younger sister & I were enrolled in gymnastics together for a couple of years. She surpassed my skill level in oh- about two minutes by doing a backbend and standing up out of it for the first class. I, meanwhile, could barely manage a somersault, not to mention that I was rolling off the mat.

To the relief of my parents, a kind doctor finally offered a diagnosis after years of apprehension on their parts dating back to when I started walking: "super-elasticized joints."

This same doctor, who called me "George" (cute!) suggested my mom enroll me in swimming, as it doesn't require "being upright or on land" and would potentially allow for my muscles to strengthen around my joints.

This led to a lucrative career as a lifeguard and teacher, in which I was earning more than many college graduates as a 16-year-old. Extra benefit: there are more than 10,000 lakes around here so it's a good skill to have!

[liz]

Patrick is old enough to grasp the difference between being so-so at one activity and being so-so at all activities. He just needs to find his niche. There are plenty of sports (add me to the list of karate proponents)that teach body awareness.

My 8-yr-old daughter is not athletically gifted (she'd rather read), however, she loves to try new things and do sports with her friends. She's gone through several sports to find her niches. We had the same problem with gymnastics and my child is the kind who needs a bit more attention when she doesn't get it because she over-analyzes things.

Last summer, she started karate with a friend. She is great at it, loves it, adults teach the class and demand respect and organization and attention from the kids - it's a tight ship and they learn quite a bit. It requires just as much muscle control as gymnastics. There is a focus on building your core (lots of pushups - she can bust out one-handed pushups and leave me in the dust) which then improves balance, coordination, etc. We've seen her become more confident, stronger, and generally better in hand-eye coordination. The kids progress at their own speed, but they all progress.

She played basketball last winter and was truly awful. Swanted to be on the basketball team again this year and we had to explain that, timewise, she would have to take a break from karate to do so. Then we were blunt (in a kind way) and told that she wasn't that good at basketball. It's important to learn "I'm better at this than that." without being defeated by it. She surprised us by saying, "Yeah, I was pretty bad at basketball. I'll stick with karate."

This summer, she wants to try swim team. Who knows how she'll do, but she'll get better at swimming and if she stops having fun, she doesn't have to do it next summer. I'm proud of her for wanting to try all these new things even though she knows she's not the best athlete.

[anita]

I'm also very curious what the doc will say about your liver function. After a general physical last summer that came back with elevated liver enzymes, I have been through a lot of testing for a search for a specific cause to the elevated liver enzymes, with no concrete diagnosis. I think he's probably going to first re-test you and ask about your pain killer/alcohol/herbal intake.