The Bitten Dust

For years - for years and years and years - Steve has talked about wanting to buy what is known, by those who have rather earthy ideas on the subject, as a recreational property. So every few months he has trotted off to northern Iowa or southern Minnesota or western Wisconsin and looked at different places on the market. I used to go with him on these expeditions but I eventually realized that Steve and I need some spaces in our togetherness and one of these spaces is clearly labeled "Farm Shopping."

Since we have been married he has seen and rejected dozens of potential properties and by this point I have kinda gotten used to the nature of his trips:

"What are you doing?"

"Looking."

"Looking for what?"

"A farm."

"Ah."

"Ah."

"Well, shall we go?"

"Yes, let's go."

They do not move.

Nothing ever came of them but it made him happy to look and in the process he got some fresh air and exercise and - once his old college friend Jeff joined him and they decided to buy whatever it was together - the two of them became experts on the subject of tiny rural towns and the bars and motels that exist within them.

In theory I knew that there was a point to all this beyond getting Steve out of the house for an occasional weekend but I admit that I was startled when he and Jeff finally found something they both liked and shocked when they made an offer and - hey look at my face - I am even shocked-er that their offer was accepted. So despite the fact that Steve has been talking about buying something since I met him - in truth there have been times when I wondered if he would ever talk about anything else - I never really believed that I would wind up as half of a half owner of 150 acre farm in Wisconsin. And yet here we are (or there we'll be after closing on the 9th) all farmed up. Steve is so excited he can hardly stand it and I'm... shocked. 

Surprise! It's a... farm.

Not that I am not also pleased. I am. I recently decided that just because I haven't seen myself as an abstract painter or a motorcycle enthusiast or a recreational farmer's wife in the past does not mean that I cannot be any or all of those things in the future. And the place is pretty in a death comes to the archbishop as Spring comes to the Midwest kind of a way, isn't it?

 

There are two houses on the property, both in fair to middling shape; say, somewhere between a House Hunters where an American couple looks dubious and says, "We don't really like the color in the bedroom..." and a House Hunters International where a British couple looks at a pile of stones with a couple of chimneys and a leg bone sticking out of it and enthuses, "It has tremendous potential!"

One of the houses has an organ, which will be nice if we ever decide to rent the place out for funerals.

And speaking of funerals I was only able to take this picture after I dropped the camera and screamed at Steve to KEEP THE CHILDREN AWAY FROM THE WELL.

What? Am I the only one who had nightmares after that Little House on the Prairie episode when the kid (not the blind one. not Melissa Gilbert) fell into a well or a mine shaft or whatever it was?

You'll note that not one of them even turned around when I channeled the banshee. Also I guess it is not a well; it's a koi pond. Also it is empty. So crisis averted.

It's not officially ours yet (and theirs. ours plural. ourses) but Patrick is on spring break this week and the place is uninhabited so I suggested that we take the family down to look at it. Kick the tires, poke around the barns. I also thought it would be fun to find a hotel with a pool in kinda nearby La Crosse and see whether it is possible for the entire family to sleep in the same room. We're planning on driving to Vermont this summer and I have gotten varying opinions on whether this is undiluted insanity. While three hours is less than the three days it will take to reach the Green Mountains I thought it might be a nice test case while there is still time to buy airline tickets should the experiment prove to be a horrible disaster.

As it happened the children were perfect. We left after lunch on Tuesday and Caroline and Edward fell asleep while the rest of us listened to Septimus Heap on CD. Then Caroline and Edward woke up and there were trains - actual trains with engines and coal cars and tankers and grain - cruising along their tracks by the river (the big river. the Old Man. Proud Mary) and Edward was, all, hello world! and the half had not been told unto him. We stayed at a hotel which optimistically advertised itself as having an indoor waterpark when  in reality it had a spiral slide that emptied into three feet of water and another midget one that ditto'd into nine inches of etc. Under pretty much any other circumstances I would have been examining my copy of the Fair Trades Act but since three feet and nine inches respectively were the absolute perfect depths for the children it worked out fine.

There was a slight hiccup after the pool when I looked around the room before we went out to dinner and asked, "Where's the blue bag?"

"Right there," said Steve.

"No," I said, "where is the big blue bag with all of the stuff for Caroline and Edward in it."

And then as Steve looked at me blankly I realized that the big blue bag was no doubt exactly where I had left it on the landing outside of Patrick's room, filled with things like pajamas and clothes for the next day and their special blankies and Purple and Green Puppy. And I thought, oh no fucking way. I was already really worried about how Caroline and Edward would manage to fall asleep sharing a room with us and each other. Under normal circumstances Edward falls asleep around 7:30, Patrick passes out at 9:00, Caroline does god only knows what in her crib until 10:30 or 11, Steve falls asleep while reading a book by 11:30 and then I lie in bed reading and eating Peppermint Patties until 1 or maybe 2. So we are not what you might call ideal college roommates. 

For a couple of minutes I hyperventilated and then Steve reasonably suggested a trip to Target or Walmart or wherever which morphed into an even more reasonable trip to the La Crosse Goodwill. It is really hard to go wrong when you are shopping for clothes at $1.99 a pop although if you look at Edward a little too closely in the pictures above you will notice that he looks like a Girl Scout cookie threw up all over him. I was in a hurry and thought maybe the brown and green and aqua... who cares.  We couldn't do anything about Caroline's superspecial pink blanket that she has torn at one seam and turned inside out so she can rub the rough side against her cheek as she sleeps. Nor could we do anything about Edward's Green Puppy who tells him at bedtime how much he loves him and only him... Edward. However, clean clothes and some pajamas we could manage. All hail Goodwill.

Then we went to an inadvertently fancy dinner and apart from a few embarrassingly loud outbursts from Caroline ("I want a salad please!" "I would like some ice cream!" both uttered at the top of her lungs in an otherwise hushed restaurant and neither of which she has ever eaten before in her life) and her fascination with the waiter who she kept trying to engage in conversation ("Look! Do you know what this is?" she said holding up a partially eaten potato and shoving it towards him. "Right! It's a crescent moon!") it was fine. 

Bedtime was stressful as we tried to explain that they needed to go to sleep and Caroline asked, "Where is my pink blanket?" and Edward wailed, "Green Puppy? Green Puppy? Green Puppy?" in an increasing crescendo. Then they realized that they had been stuck into mesh cages (oh, you know, pack n plays) while the rest of us were going to be rolling around on actual beds and they started to freak, a little. 

I am trying to remember moments in my life of actual indisputable brilliance and all I can come up with is this one paper I wrote on a series of Hart Crane poems. It's not much of a legacy but I can now add the time that I put something soothing on iTunes and set the screen saver on my laptop to do a trippy lightshow and flipped it around on the corner of the bed so that Caroline and Edward could see it from their pack n plays. At first they stood and watched. Then they slumped over the sides and watched. I slid the laptop onto the floor and Caroline rolled over and went to sleep and Edward shoved his head as far as he could into the mesh to watch the lights until he fell asleep as well. 

So remember this if you are ever trying to get a little kid to fall asleep in a hotel room and I hope it helps and that is all I have today.

Oh, except for this video of Caroline at lunch singing "Sing" which... good grief she's just so cute and little and cute. I love how she drops her voice to let you know that you don't need to worry if your singing is good enough for anyone else *whisper* to hear. The drama is strong in this one.

PS I know what you're wondering. You are wondering what the hell, Julia? What happened to the year of plagues and locusts and switching from beeswax to tallow? Which column of the austerity budget expanded to accommodate the purchase of a farm or even a half-farm? It's what I'd be wondering if I were reading this and I have one word for you: accounting.   

Comments

[Connie]

Can't see video. Sigh.

[TY]

so, when i started reading, i thought "oh, a cabin, of course." because in the great white north, recreational property = cabin. but a farm?! i was not expecting that twist. will there be livestock? hoe downs? hay-making? because if there is, i hope this farm girl is invited. :)

i also cannot see the cute little cute one in the video...

[Ashlee]

Oh Green Puppy. You fickle bastard. You mean your love isn't dearly and whole-heartedly saved for my sweet munchkin. L! - clap clap, clap clap, U! - clap clap, clap clap, K! - clap clap, clap clap, E!, clap clap, clap clap, dodododododododo, I love you... Luke? That fucking song haunts me.

Your farm is seriously beautiful. Though, what does one do with a recreational farm property?

[Elizabeth]

Ahhh, a farm. In my next life I hope to not be scared of spiders and snakes so I can have a farm. For now, visit yours often please and tell me stories.

[WarsawMommy]

Argh! I totally remember that episode of Little House - it was Carrie who fell into the well when she was chasing a butterfly. Nightmare-inducing stuff. Damn butterflies.

[crystal]

Aw, damn, I'm green with envy.

I've been half-heartedly looking. Skeered because we just got rid of the medical debt, but still have no (worth any bit of a damn) insurance (*cough* Kaiser *cough*) and I think I'll be okay spending money when we have our mortgage and car and last tiny remnant of a student loan paid off and oh, say, a cool 3 mil in savings...

But I now have fulfilled my 31 year dream of owning my very own mustang and I really hate keeping her in a 144 sq ft box.

Prices have come down. WAY down. But not way enough down. And income doth not eliminate prior underwater mortgage, unless you have somewhere along the lines of 60% down. Which we do not. In this decade.

I'm about ready to buy some land and live in a 5th wheel. We could pay it all off and have our bit of armageddon proof soil, and then work to pay this other one off, keeping it as a rental, since it's a neighborhood that has stayed more afloat than others, which is... promising.

My better half that grew up in South America in all manner of... non-traditional housing merely responds something along the lines of oh hell no.

Damn.

But he is madly smitten with my girl. Mr. I'm not going to clean stalls, I'm not going to do the work, don't expect me to.... is suddenly begging me to come along on my "me" time, and wants his own mustang....

Poor guy. He doesn't stand a chance.

Meanwhile... farm and snow.

Green. Green I say.

As the Steve in my particular marriage, I say Congratulations. My husband I'm sure would like to offer you a bottle of Patron and a shoulder to cry on.

Oh, poor Steve. I'm more like all his less endearing traits without the endearing everything else. Maybe you could offer my husband a bottle of Patron and a shoulder. :)

I don't know how or why, but I'm glad he tolerates me. I try to make it not too miserable an existence. :P

Any idea what Steve and his friend actually intend to do with this endeavor?

[surcey]

What an adventure. Ten years ago, we bought a small cabin in a tiny, tiny town in ME (no stoplight). Over the years we have become a part of the community and now have lovely friends we look forward to seeing every year. This will change your life.

[Sam]

You know, I was wondering about the financial aspect but would have been too polite to ask. I would like to know what you/Steve are planning to do with it, and am excited about the forthcoming adventures. I have also decided to stop lurking. Probably. Congrats on your successful mini trip!

[lucy]

Holy hell, a real life farm! This might be a stupid question but are you going to be living there, or is it a long-distance farming relationship?

[Jolie Autry]

You are hilarious and the farm is awesome. Budget/accounting, bleh. Enjoy it!

I just remember Carrie being fine after her well-fall, but Mrs. Beetle, the teacher who sent the children out on their butterfly hunt, suffered mightily from the wrath of Ma Caroline.

[Beth]

I am not wondering about your finances...I am wondering about your bracket??? No comments on all of the upsets and the early exit by Kansas? Who are you rooting for in the final four?

[cate]

I'm now remembering that PBS series The Farmer's Wife. Yours will be different, I'm sure.

the laptop trick is brilliant.

[jenn]

Love the look of the farm, but can't resist mentioning this book of horrific tales from turn of the century Wisconsin farmers: "Wisconsin Death Trip." Super-Victorian-ish macabre. And wild.

[L.]

Accounting? I must be obtuse, I think I don't get it. Because mostly that just makes me want to know... who is your accountant and will they take me on?

[Becky]

Since we began traveling with young children, we've found that suite hotels work best. We tend toward Homewood Suites when we can. My husband has done quite a bit of travel and has found the Hilton family hotels to be the most consistent in quality and we find the Homewoods to generally be less expensive and be better suited to family needs. They generally have 1 actual bedroom and then 1 sitting room/kitchen where the couch will fold out to a bed. We've been able to fit a pack-n-play and peapod tent (wonderful children's travel bed!) in with the bed. It's tight but will work.

The kitchen is useful when dealing with toddler eating habits and having a room with a door is helpful when sitting in the dark from 7pm on is less than appealing to all traveling companions.

The Homewood Suites are geared towards frequent business travelers that are looking for a home on the road and so have some nice perks that carry over well to families. They usually have a lightish dinner offering M-Thursday (or maybe Sun-thur or M-F- I just don't remember!). They also tend to have good breakfast buffets in the morning. It's all included in the cost of your stay. The kitchens are reasonably well equipped and I think that there is some sort of thing where they will buy groceries and stock your kitchen for you but we've never used that service so I'm not sure what it costs or the details.

While we like the Homewood Suites best, we have had reasonable luck at the Embassy Suites and other similar places. The priority for us is really just that we don't all have to go to sleep at 7 pm and that there is a place we can use to sooth the fussy infant away from the thank God he's finally asleep toddler.

[Melissa H]

Steve's recreational property=my husband's boat. After 15ish years of "looking" you could have knocked me over with a feather when one day he came home and we were boat owners. Go figure.

I must say, I am very jealous of your farm--I would much prefer that to a boat but I did get chickens in exchange for the boat so I guess it's my mini-farm in the back yard.

[Elizabeth]

As a Wisconsinite, I'm simply thrilled that you are closer to me!

[Heidi]

Caroline's singing is so cute that all the clever words I had in mind in response to buying a farm, etc. flew clean outta my head. SO CUTE!

[Katie]

Ditto Elizabeth. Can we cheeseheads come and visit your farm?

[Accidents]

Welcome to Wisconsin! I would very much like to cease writing my dissertation--immediately--and take up as a farmer. Like TODAY, since I have a huge writing deadline on Monday. SInce I'm still unwed, maybe I can quick find me a farmer in need of a wife...(as long as I can bring the baby and the boyfriend with me).

[Hharnly]

Congratulations on the farm and good luck with the closing! It could be your own Wisconsin Taliesin. Just don't hire a butler. I'm glad the hotel experiment was a success. I second the suite notion. I've also found my daughter is not nearly as attached to her special objects as I thought she was (each time I've lost them she has survived). Hurray for adaptability!

[Brigid Keely]

My husband's family owns property in Mauston, WI. We keep talking about putting in an orchard and some vegetables up there. The house there, however, probably needs to be pulled down. At the very least it needs a new roof.

[laura]

That is just fabulous! Recreational property ... I love the term. You guys are going to have quite a summer. And I have to ask ... why in the world are you driving to Vermont!?

[MsCellania]

I have 2 words right back at you:
Creative Accounting.

[Anne]

Oh, god, I nearly sprayed Coke out my nose at your House Hunters analogy....soooooo on the mark! (I always have the urge, after watching one of those episodes with Americans looking for property, especially in developing countries, to go around to those countries apologizing for their behavior, although, to be fair, I imagine the HH editors do some heavy editing to increase the drama.)

Also: great "Waiting For Godot" spoof! :-)

[Chris]

Carrie - Lindsey Sidney Green bush. Yes I am aware that I am a total wackadoo freako.

[lynn]

My son's favorite part of our whole summer vacation in Nova Scotia was the one overnight at a hotel in New Brunswick on the way home with a "water park" like the one you describe.

Have you read "Animal, Vegetable, Mineral"? It's a real-life account of a family who tries to live on all locally grown food - I highly recommend it. Not that you're doing that, but there might be a useful passage in there for you.

The youtube lightshow - brilliant!

[Brenna]

I don't remember the Little House episode, but I still have nightmares about "Baby Jessica" McClure falling down the well in Texas.

So, yes, I understand.

[TeacherMommy]

So I'm sitting in Panera being a total geek with my laptop out while sitting across from my hot boyfriend who is also being a total geek with his laptop out and he is looking at me with that quizzical look in his cerulean eyes that says, "Hon? Why are you snorting your mango smoothie through your nose?" without actually saying it because OMG Julia.

And yes, what does one do with a recreational farm property? I come from a long line of farmers from a couple of generations back before they started going for some of that there book larnin' and moving into medical fields and teaching and whatnot, and I don't recall many of the family stories about farming being particularly recreational in nature. Well, other than the ones about the many many kids (my father being the youngest) heading down to the corn cribs and daring the youngest (that being my father) to grab the rats by the tails so that the other children could beat them to bloody bits with baseball bats. The old fashioned wooden kind. The bats, I mean, not the rats.

I suppose that could count as recreational. Will there be rats and bats and perhaps the occasional cat or mat or hat in your children's recreational farming future?

[Clarabella]

In the most not-weird way ever, I would like to request you & Steve & Patrick & the twinkles adopt my little family of 3. I want to live on your farm, in the summertime, of course, and drink wine & talk about books with you. Also, I think my young padawan would quite enjoy drama-ing it up with Caroline. Kthx!

[victoria]

I love how you saved the day with your brilliant solution to the Puppy and blanket problem.

My husband figured out why and how the combination on the lock on my suitcase had been changed en route to France, and he figured out what the new combination probably was, and he tried it, and bingo! The suitcase I had been struggling with for hours, the suitcase I needed to survive the next two weeks, popped open.

Not unlike you, he said, "I'm as proud of this as anything else I've ever done."

[Anna]

i tried that laptop trick once. except that i was using the fishie screensaver, which has lovely fish swimming by, and blurbly water noises. relaxing! mesmerizing! lovely.

and then, from time to time, a shark fin goes by, along the bottom edge of the screen. and a formerly-relaxed little girl shrieks out "SHARK!". and falling asleep is no longer an option.

[Justin]

OMG, I have very good friends who live in Osseo. Wisconsin is lovely. The for real water parks are great. Now I'm completely overexcited. I don't know why but something about Wisconsin just brings out the happy. Hope you have lots of fun there.

[Cheryl]

OMG ... we're married to the same man (except we live in Alaska). And that Caroline, she can really carry a tune! Impressive ... my son and I watched it a few times and she's really good!

[tsena]

Apropos of nothing, I am pleased that you've done some seasonal clean(s)ing of the web log. It makes stylistic sense.

I am also certain that the phrase "stylistic sense" is distasteful.

Happy Farming travails!

[Steph]

I agree with the above about staying in Suite hotels.
If you can fly . . I would. 2 summers ago we drove to Nebraska from Michigan for a family reunion. My kids were like 7 and 3 . . by the end of it my husband and I were barely speaking and I was on the verge of beating 2 said children.

I always think of recreational property as a lake type thing . . but a farm could be fun . . or a lot of work.

[Christiana]

Can I randomly chime in and say that I LOVED the Little House on the reference (it was Carrie, btw - the oft forgotten sister) since THAT is what I think of EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I imagine someone falling into a well? (also the MacGyver episode where a little girl with asthma falls into a well trying to save the Amish family's far from her developer-father, but Little House is the most memorable).

[Rayne of Terror]

Will you have ducks and pygmy goats and barn cats? Oh Lordy. You must begin listening to the geekfarmlife podcast immediately.

[Denise]

Caroline = so cute!

When you said "recreational property," I must confess, I was thinking "ski condo," not "working farm."

But farming IS the hip thing right now (think, raising organic leeks or some such), and the plus side is you'll get to name it. Cold Comfort Farm? Green Acres? Tara?

[It's not polite to brag]

Accounting? Uh, what? Is that your way of saying really you're rich but were just a little less rich last year, so you thought you'd play all common-folk and tell us how POOOOR you were even though you really were, and still are, rich?

Well, duh.

Don't you live on some big rambling wooded estate in the country already, with only one income? 'Nuff said.

So of course you're buying a 150 acre farmstead with 2 houses, as a what, weekend getaway? It's no doubt a tax write-off. And you'll probably be driving to it in your Mercedes SUV or your Hummer.

It's so nice of you to converse bloggily with us in the lower classes, who struggle to make payments on one mortgage with two incomes, and to share with us how the other half lives.

[Rachel]

Wow. I think perhaps "it's not polite to brag" might be having some personal issues right now. I'd like to offer you a hug.

[Jackie]

I'm very pleased for you. My husband and I are currently building our dream house and get some nasty comments as well, but I think to those people, if you've (we've) worked hard, saved smart, and invested wisely, then you (we) can do what we want with whatever money we have. You've worked hard to be where you are, so feel free to enjoy it, and don't for one minute listen to someone who says something otherwise.

Enjoy your "recreational property". :)

[jackie]

Dear "its not polite to brag" - its not polite to be a bitch

[Rachel]

Jackie, maybe she isn't a bitch, she just needs a hug. Hopefully.

[Tine]

Remind to tell you sometime about how my parents bought a 40-acre parcel of "recreational" land near La Crosse with the plan that hubs and I would eventually buy it from them. Which is -- 2 children, 2 degrees, and lots of debt later -- probably not ever going to happen at this point. They are very philosophical about it, but it keeps me up at night sometimes.

Oh well.

At least *you* bought your own dang land!

[carrie]

I was thinking of Jessica McClure, the real little girl who fell in the well back in 1987.

[kris (lower case)]

and i believe carrie was played by sisters.. one named lindsay, the other sidney so they combined their names...

[Liz S]

I like reading about your life and don't think its bragging. You've had your struggles too. We all have our own good and bad.

OK, I'm a bit jealous that my hubby doesn't have some kind of property or boat that he has been looking at for years. We just keep getting new computers. JOY!

And yes, it was Carrie and I remember the episode clearly.

Enjoy!

[Suzi in Las Vegas]

Caroline - so yummy I could. Eat. Her. Up.

Congrads on the "investment property."
Enjoy it. And enjoy what it will mean to your kids as they grow up. I have great memories of our cattle ranch. Which is going on the market this summer, after 50 years in the family. sad.

[Michelle]

It's so very pretty... If I were ever to look for a farm that would be the kind I would want to find too. Good on Steve for such a picturesque piece of land. I am envious.
Best to you.

M