Straightened Arrow

The other week I spent half the afternoon googling "ring worm" as I worried about a mysterious, circular red mark on Edward's upper thigh.

I eventually consulted Steve who promptly said, "Teeth marks. Human. Female. Aged... I'd say about two years. From the lack of wear on the bicuspids I would guess she is usually an oatmeal eater; so we can assume she was driven to this attack by either extreme hunger or - more likely - rage."

Then he wandered back into his office to take some more morphine.

I don't want to say that Caroline is a serial biter because she's not. Days or weeks can go by without Edward once shrieking "No biting Cayine! Stop it! Aaiiiiiieeee!" before racing toward me cradling his endented hand. However, she's not not a biter either. I guess I'd put her somewhere between a squirrel and a frog but we do strive towards a daily puncture wound tally of zero so we have been trying to eradicate the biting all together. 

[Not that Edward is a blameless victim. He generally has deserved something (a cut direct, a withering glance) and there is a reason why we call him Slappy Kincaid. So our children are thugs with the exception of Patrick who continues to find good in the most unlikely places and who triumphantly announces that he has dealt with a dessert stealing classmate by wedging himself between two non-dessert stealers at lunch. Uh, good work? Blessed are the peacemakers, I suppose.]

Anyway as part of the campaign to keep Caroline on the path of the righteous I checked a book out of the library called "Teeth are not for Biting" which features angry children paired with stricken looking ones and the line "Ouch! Biting hurts" oft repeated. Edward loves this book.

"Outh!" he shouts* as I read, "Biting hurth!"

Then we both look pointedly at Caroline who thinks this is the stupidest book ever written and says, hopefully, "Read 'Oh the Places You'll Go' again?"

As a complete aside when we read "Oh the Places You'll Go" Caroline points to one of the black lumps with the eyes on whatever page that is and says, "Ed-wad fell down that dark spooky hole. Oh no Ed-wad is trapped in a cage!" and Edward, sitting on the other side of my lap, always looks very concerned to hear this. Years from now Edward will be able to tell some sympathetic young woman all about the physical and emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his twin and she will look at barrel-chested Edward and pixie-feather Caroline and think mean things about his mother who allowed this to continue.

But the point is that we are anti-biting. So I glanced into the play room this morning just as Caroline grabbed Edward's face and pushed him backwards. He landed on his bottom and said, "Hey! Thath not nith."

"Caroline!" I said.

She put her hands up, like, don't shoot and pointed out, "I no bite him!"

Which left me in the complicated position of trying to figure out how to praise the dental self-control while condemning the ol' palm-n-shove. I think she has a jurisprudential mind.

*And Edward, in case you couldn't tell, has developed the most delightful Barcelona lisp and I love it.

+

Scene I. Hallway at school. Enter Friend and Patrick.

Friend: Hey Patrick! I almost forgot I was wearing this shirt today.

Patrick: I almost forgot I was wearing my BUTT today.

Friend: And I almost forgot I was wearing my BUTT CRACK today.

Patrick: Weiner!

Friend: Pickle! Hairy pickle!

Patrick: Indeed! Ha ha ha!

Friend: HA HA HA!

Friend slings arm around Patrick's shoulders and they walk off to class together.

It was all so normal and boyish and stupid that I felt a little misty. Also, very glad I'm a female.

I picked Patrick up the other day and while I was standing there his teacher told me they had done their standardized testing for literacy and Patrick had done well: x up from y or whatever. And I said oh that's nice.

And then he said, oh hey, does Patrick do the reading thing at home?

And I misunderstood and said, yeah, sure he reads at home.

And he said, no, the thing where he reads upside down?

So I said huh?

And he said, "Patrick's problem is that he reads too fast and then he misses stuff. When they read aloud the other kids are always, like, Patrick SLOW DOWN because no one can understand him. So I have been trying to get him to figure out how to slow himself down and the other day he flipped the book upside down and read it that way. His comprehension seems to be better and he's much easier to understand when he reads aloud. Of course he can't do that with a computer screen but for the MAP test today he twisted his head sideways."

I said well that's... "interesting" at the same time the teacher finished the sentence with "weird" and we laughed and he said all that matters is that it works for him and then I got Patrick and we left. 

Practical encouragement toward creative problem solving coupled with total acceptance of differences = why I love this class so much.  

+

There is nothing particularly memorable about this photograph (I mean, you can get a good idea of their relative sizes and you can see the back of Caroline's bob which I adore but which is already growing out because Steve's gypsy blood converts Cheerios into keratin at previously unrecorded speeds) except it is the last known sighting of Little Red Car. See it in Edward's hand there? Yeah well it's missing and it's been missing for over a week and OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAR PLEASE?

Every. Single. Day. Edward wakes up and says, "Find little red car?"

Every night before bed he cries, "LITTLE RED CAR!!!!" up and down a hellish scale. It's become a euphemism for general peevishness. Edward will realize that he is not as happy as he might possibly be at a given moment so he opens his mouth and says, "Little red car!"

Caroline walks around the house saying, "Little red caaaar where are youuuuuuu?"

I offered Patrick an insanely generous bounty for it but he has yet to locate it. It's driving me a little crazy. I don't think it left the house. I hope (although I fear this might be the case) that no one tossed it into the trash. Steve said last night that it is probably behind a piece of furniture or in a bin or something and we'll find it when we are old and moving into a home. So I congratulated him on being simultaneously useless and horribly depressing and continued to look under the stove with a flashlight.

For reference I have no idea where this car came from and no way to track down another. It looks like a birthday party goody bag item, frankly, and why Edward chose this among all God's vehicles with which to form a forever bond I have no idea but there it is. Edward has loved and lost and he is now driving the family mad with his grief. It's like Hamlet around here.

On the topic of children and their odd attachments Caroline has developed a passion for a little yellow towel/ cleaning rag from Sam's Club that she calls Towelie.

"Oh TOWELIE," she breathes, "I'm so proud of you!" or "Towelie? Do you want to take a little swim?" she asks lovingly before dropping it in the tub.

I'm just glad I have a box of the damned things although Steve keeps muttering something about South Park (me, I don't do South Park) and my mother wondered if I have differentiated her collection of Towelies from the ones we use to scrub the stove. Oh, I said. Huh.

+

Finally please help me. Caroline has turned Houdini nudist and I am losing my mind. I had to put her clothes and diaper back on her THREE TIMES yesterday in the time it took me to find and put on Edward's shoes. Clearly she thinks it is funny and that she is very clever and yes yes fine but it is forty degrees here and she has yet to ever successfully use the potty at all. Ever. In fact just yesterday she sat for almost an hour while I read stories then she stood up and walked a few steps and peed on the rug. I think she wants to do it but she cannot quite figure out the mechanics of it and I have no idea how to teach her. I have read a few guides and websites and an e-book that Carla was nice enough to send me a million years ago when I first started talking about it but they all seem to center around a notion that the kid might get it right every once in a while and then you, like, build on that success. Meanwhile she is turning blue and leaving puddles like a spaniel and don't even get me started on the great nap and bedtime strip routines which involve my least favorite thing in the entire world (changing crib sheets) and soggy stuffed animals who get carried off the battlefield to the accompaniment of keening as they head off to the laundry.

I have had some limited success with safety pins and duct tape. Two feet of duct tape wrapped all the way around the waist of her diaper seems to (usually) keep it in place. A jumbo sleep suit turned backwards with the zipper safety pinned in place also helps overnight but I freely admit that these are not great solutions. We are, I hope, a tolerant and broad-minded family and if Caroline prefers to run around in the buff all the time I am fine with that provided a) it is warm enough and b) it does not add significantly to the amount of upholstery cleaning I have to do on a given day.

I'll take any advice you have to offer from patented diaper cinching methods to behavior modification techniques. My asking her (nicely/firmly/frantically) to keep her clothes on or use the potty does not seem to be working and I'm fresh out of ideas.   

PS You know what's funny is that I can remember agonizing over Patrick and potty training and it was this complete ordeal but it eventually worked itself out and even while I know this logically I cannot feel anything other than hopeless as Caroline races by like a naked pink elf for the millionth time. She's never going to use the bathroom and she's never going to wear clothes again. I just know it.

Comments

[Chaya]

You know, my children are cute. I like watching them and listening to them quite a bit. But time passes and I forget all the impossibly dear and hilarious things they do and say.

Which is to say, I am so happy that you are a great writer and that you blog about your children. I'm happy that you have a record of these precious years and I'm happy that we all get to share in the cuteness.

[Alexicographer]

Oddly enough, a family just down the street from us with older kids just gave us (handed down) a great set of blocks that you rig to make a course for a marble. Which might not sound relevant, but there in the box was a red car. We live in the SouthEast, though, so I doubt it's the actual car; moreover, if Edward's anything like my son (who can distinguish the gravel rock he picked out from those on the driveway and subsequently lost from the similarly sized and colored gravel rock I offered him as an alternative without my actually indicating it was an alternative as opposed to the original), even if I run mail you the car in question right now, it won't be the right car.

On the shoving-not-biting thing: yeah, I started telling my son he had to use his pacifier less at the same time I told him he had to start saying please. So now I try to tell him no and then he says please and ... it's not really a big deal if he takes the pacifier to college, is it? Freshman year only, I mean (oh, and yes, sometimes when my son realizes he could be happier at a given moment he announces, "Want paci!" even if he already has it in his mouth -- much like "Where is red caaaar?" I wish you strength).

Reading upside down: brilliant.

[Sharon]

when I was little we lost the tv remote. My mom offered a bounty. It remained lost. My mom upped the bounty. It remained lost. Then she upped the bounty again, and magically, it appeared out from under my older brother's bed. Apparently, he was just waiting until the reward was enough to buy the toy he wanted.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

OMG, how I love this blog. Laughed till I cried (okay, a little, not a lot) and I sure needed a good laugh today (after dealing with MY toddler twins all day!).

Re Cahoyine's nudist tendencies: She is fairly small -- does she still fit in a size 24 anything? Our boys went through a nudist/peeing period, and Carter's onesies, size 24, saved our sanity. I guess it depends on whether or not she can defeat crotch snaps. Carter's is the only manufacturer I've found that makes a onesie in a 24 (and believe me, I looked!). Also, there are a lot of Carter's discount shops scattered here and there, so the cost is not astronomical. Alternatively, you could buy some onesie snap sets (or cannibalize them from old onesies) and add them to her shirts.

Gotta say though, that girl is a pistol! LOL!

[CeeCee]

I am not the potty training expert. Son number one had developmental delays...potty trained at 4.5 and I was lucky because he was in an ESE preschool class and they helped...nighttime was several more years in pullups.

Son number 2 no developmental delays...guess what...potty trained at...a little after 4. So it might not have been the boys it might have been me.

Here is my "final solution". My older son is 5 years older and was being homeschooled so I had the two boys together 24/7 and I just couldn't devote the attention to the 4 year old to get him trained and the attention to the big brother to do his schoolwork. So I sent the big brother to gymnastics camp for a week for Spring Break and stocked the refrigerator with every liquid that might possibly be interesting to my son (we drink water here 99% of the time with an occasional lemonade or sprite or apple juice when out to eat but many times just water there too). I also picked up a lot of salty snacks and a giant bag of dark chocolate M&Ms (because those are the kind I like).

So you guessed it...one kid, one mom, games, books, naked (the 4 year old), no leaving the house until 5pm to pick up the camping sibling. He would have cups and cups of liquids going because he was in heaven with root beard (aka root beer), lemonade, sprite, apple juice, gatorades of all different colors. And we had lots and lots of opportunities. He had my undivided attention for games and books and if he wanted to play with toys by himself...I would set a timer so we didn't forget...if I set it for 30 and he had an accident then the next time I would set it for 20...and I just kept him filled to the brim with liquids and he got to pick all the food he ate...It was like little brother HEAVEN. 3 days! 3 days and he had the hang of it (not perfect but he knew we weren't going back). 7 days and he was day AND night time trained. We continued to M&M treat for poopies for a long time (several 1 lb bags of M&Ms) because he was a little stubborn about that for a while...I think we gave 3 for pee and 6 for poops (he liked picking the colors of m&ms).

[rebeccaof8]

I am SO not into forcing potty training. Who cares? They'll get it eventually and it's a LOT less stress this way. I have 4 kids, Oldest son totally in undies by 3 1/2 (I pushed him and he regressed big time); next child, daughter...stood up during a bath and informed me that she needed to use the potty. She was almost 2, potty trained herself and never had an accident; next child (daughter) is currently 2 1/2 and using the potty frequently. I ask her if she wants to and she says either yes or no and I don't make a big deal if she says no. After a few months, now this week she has been asking to use it. Potty training herself and mama is not stressed at all about it :) Youngest son is 7 months, so we're still with diapers for a while!

Sorry about the nudity. I have a toddler who likes to wear her pajamas and a crown everywhere. I just go with it most days...who cares, right? Nudity, not so much I guess. I wouldn't care about the cold so much (I am in Wisconsin so I get it about the 40 degree weather), cause I don't think she'll let herself freeze, but I bet the cleanup part sucks. Good luck with that :)

[Andi Diehn]

Reading your blog instead of working while the baby sleeps and it is so worth the sinking feeling I'll have when he wakes up too soon. I have an 8 year old, 6 year old and 2 year old, all boys, and for some reason your family is so much funnier than mine!

[MRP]

We potty trained my now two and a half year old over the winter. The only way she wouldn't have accidents was when she was stripped down naked. Sometimes she'd be in a shirt, but only sometimes. Perhaps let Caroline express her inner nudist AND your potty problems will be solved. I was worried that my daughter would freeze to death, but she didn't and I cleaned up a lot fewer accidents because of it. And I'm happy to report that she is clothed now, well, at least most of the time.

[claire]

If that works for Patrick, on a computer screen you can press Ctrl Alt and any cursor arrow to switch the orientation.

control alt down will flip it upside down
control alt up will flip it back...

at least it works on my computer screen -- don't even ask how I accidentally learned this trick:)

[Tine]

Sorry, but I am utterly useless to you today. The opposite, however, is not true. Your post made me giggle crazily and *totally* brightened up my day. Thank you!

[Mitzi]

The main thing that helped my daughter go ON the potty was that I promised her I would paint her toe nails after she went potty ON the potty. She was young enough to have never had painted nails before but had seen them on me and her older sister!

Sometimes it's just the little things. Who knows?

[Karen]

On dealing with Caroline's desire to strip -
1. when she misses the toilet, get her the cleaning supplies and make her clean her own mess.

2. use reverse psychology. tell her enthusiastically to undress after you've gotten her all ready for the day. watch what happens.

[Carrie (in MN)]

I had one of these http://www.rightstart.com/handy-s-potty-training-pad-twin.html
for when one of my twins had trouble with night-time wetting. Saved me from the middle-of-the-night crib sheet change multiple times.

You do crack me up so much. "It's like Hamlet around here." Thank you again for writing - you make my day.

[merseydotes]

When my daughter was almost two, she went through a poop-smearing stage. She wouldn't actually take the diaper off, but would access the goods through the leghole. A friend helped me brainstorm, and we found that tights under a backwards/inside out onesie foiled her. Maybe a leotard or swimsuit would be even better - no snaps. Especially a swimsuit with criss-cross straps or a keyhole back that needs to be fastened.

[Spacemom]

Upside down! I never thought of that! S can read upside down, but like Patrick, she reads so damn fast that she misses words...
I should try that!

[Heather]

You give me insight into what my life will be like in 1 year with the twins. I think Tommy wlll be a biter as he's already bitten his Aunt Niki and drew blood, through clothes. Liam is the only one of them that gets attached to toys or objects right now. Tommy just wants what ever Liam has. Tommy is also resorting to hurting Liam to get what he wants. He pulls Liam's hair (well it does stick up) to get him to drop things or get his way. As I run across the room to get them and say "No, Tommy! We don't pull hair!" He looks up at me with this angelic face, "Who, me? I didn't do a thing! How could I? I'm so sweet."

[Elizabeth]

I too have a daughter named Caroline of similar age as yours, and with a penchant for removing all of her clothing! My approach has been to try to ignore it (some disastrous results there) or just calmly re-dress her so she doesn't get the benefit of my reaction. The backwards sleepsack has worked for us too. Gradually, she seems to be doing less and less of it, so maybe it's just a phase?
Good luck!

[RG]

My daughter wore footie pajamas backwards for a year because she would get undressed and take her diaper off and pee/poop everywhere while napping or at night. If you don't want her wearing the feet part twisted, you can just cut off the feet on the footie pajamas. My daughter never figured out how to zipper when it was down her back. Good luck!

[amanda]

I am echoing things already said, but my god I love your family. Yours is the kind of family I want. I am sure there are more frustrations that you don't write about here, but what you share with us is so lovely. It gives me something to aim for.

Also, as already said, I love the WAY you write about them. It's just perfect.

[stacy]

overalls, with the shoulder straps somewhat snug, put on backwards. that worked for my little brother.

[akeeyu]

Gymboree and George also make 24 month onesies. If you look hard enough, you can also scrounge up a couple of 3Ts or extremely generously cut 2Ts.

I've got a pair of nudists over here, which is why they exclusively wear onesies.

Onesies, overalls, backwards sleep sacks, and also healthy doses of gleeful "no c'ose! naked! baby!" time.

Re: getting cold
Sam has similar concerns, and will frequently (reproachfully) point out that their hands/feet/'tocks are slightly chilled after they do their Streak impression. My answer is always "They're not going to get hypothermia in our living room, and they always ask for sweaters when they're cold."

Hilarious: Babies dashing around the house with thick sweaters and no pants.

Oh, you might also offer a compromise. The girls like being naked because diapers kind of wad up and impede movement, so sometimes I let them run around wearing those silly little poof bloomers that come with summer dresses. They don't impair mobility like diapers, but they...er...catch certain things and serve as a urinary early warning system.

Also? Almost-naked babies in poofy bloomers are super cute.

We made a run at potty training earlier this year and then went "...meh" when their interest seemed kind of spotty. They have picture books about potty training and they come to the bathroom with us, but we're waiting for that magical "...and then they just train themselves."

[sarah]

I second the lasagne, it makes the middle of your nights less painful.

My son just turned 2 and has no real interest beyond the theoretical (hmmm, what is that lovable scamp Elmo on about now?) in potty training. He wants to sit on the potty but only if the inner piece (you know the one that catches everything?) is out so we are not encouraging it right now. Please post what ends up working for the twinks.

One suggestion I have that worked for my daughter is to have her sit on the potty (reading a book or whatever interests her) while filling the tub. The running water seemed to do the trick and then you have one success to build on.

With the clothes, as someone mentioned before, letting her choose her own and dress herself may help. Worked with both my kids, but they were never as determined as Caroline to be naked.

[Elizabeth]

I think that if you switched over to cloth diapers that might get the wheels in her head turning in other directions a little faster, and the potty training jump started. But that is the reason that they have marble floors in many homes in India...

Good luck!

[Emily]

Lurker here. What about gdiaper covers?? You could try putting them over her diaper, maybe she won't be able to undo them since they fasten in the back? Or you could get some snapping cloth diapers and use those, lot's of people seem to have good luck with them. Maybe Flips with disposable inserts? Also, onsies, or can she undo them? Good Luck!

[Catizhere]

The car is in the bookshelf.
See the 2 taller books with the 3 or so smaller books in between? He "parked" it there. My William does that. We have these really ugly radiator covers with little slots at the top, Will likes to "mail" things. His little batman, toothbrushes, those little religious cards with pictures of the Saints on them, cotton swabs, broken crayons....

[Jackie]

I just discovered your blog through Deb at Smitten Kitchen. Oh my, the way you tell your stories is absolutely hysterical. I was in need of an afternoon pick-me-up and your stories did the trick.

I too am so glad that I was not a boy! And I love the "I no bite him." Priceless.

[crystal]

Michael started the stripper routine at 7 months. I was flooded with guilt when I finally suspected he was autistic and the clothes were likely overstimulating.

I used to put sleepers on backward and pin the zipper on, but he did the Houdini thing, and wiggled his way out.

In desperation I used hand signals and pidgin to explain that if he would leave his diaper on, he could walk around naked and freeze for all I cared, but if he took off his diaper, I'd put all his clothes back on.

After a few heated negotiations, he finally got the idea, and agreed to leave a diaper on in return for near-complete nudity.

I thought he WOULD freeze to death. After a few months of feeling like a human icecube, he started dragging a blanket with him everywhere. When he got unbearably cold, he'd bundle up.

We have a few rules, now that he's older (and can wage more of a fight). He must be properly dressed for the weather to go outside, he must stay dressed if we have guests (or foster kids, since we only have girls. I was amazed he honored this one, since it meant staying dressed 24/7.

He will be 8 in the fall, and would still walk around in nothing more than boxer briefs if we let him. He and his younger brother tend towards jeans, no shirts. Our teen dresses like a Mother's dream, cleans his room, and tidies the living room before bed so.... I pick my battles....

Sometimes I think I'm a sucker.... that perfect first child, followed by two adorable yet ever more creative (troublesome) younger siblings. I didn't expect with a scant year between them and Michael's autistic indifference they would be such mischief, but two heads are indeed better than one. John had his moments, but zowie zops....

Thank goodness they're terribly sweet and adorable. :)

[Brenda]

The teeth mark reminded me of something my 'twin did to me..... when we were very young.He bit me on the face on my cheek. mom took me to the dr. who said. a dog bit her.... no mom said... Doug bit her. I do not have a scar from this, but mom ended up putting one of us in the play pen and one out.then we grew up. went on to high school where he learned to wrestle and would come home and try out some new head lock on me. Ya, we're all adults now. my youngest son a Marine has taken him down a time or two for me.

[Issa]

I have read here for years and now I'm not sure if I've every commented or not. But anyway, hi. :0)

Random comment: I have a friend who at Patrick's age used to read books upside down. By middle school, he'd taught himself to write backwards and by high school, it was backwards and upside down. Hhe thought too fast. He could read and write just fine, but in note taking in HS he had to do that, so he'd keep his mind on what he was doing. Just you know...a note for the future.

[cherylc]

My son takes his diaper off too. Once he did it inside his pants, and I did not know, then he pooped. What a huge mess. I had to change our sheets, because I discovered the situation on our bed.

But that is not what I wanted to comment about! My mother always said, "You never see a cat skeleton in a tree." I've never heard anyone else say it. She was from Florida, but her mother was from...other places, maybe Pennsylvania? I always thought, well yeah, once they turn into skeletons, their bones fall out of the tree. Duh. But thanks for the memory, Jan. It was cool to see that other people use the saying.

[Alice]

Also still working on the potty training process with twins close to the same age as yours. One thing that I found worked is putting them on the potty right when they woke up. We've got cameras on them so I can see when they start stirring, if I put them right on the potty they always manage to pee then. Also if I wake them up because they are sleeping in late and then put them on they almost always pee. Might work to get you one successful peeing moment. Also, for my daughter it took a lot of distraction to get her to stay on the potty long enough to actually pee. She's gotten faster at it, but we'd have to distract for up to 5-10 minutes at least (and she's a wiggle butt, so that's the hardest part, books work the best for us, they love potty related books) Hope that helps.

[Leah]

Julia,

I laughed until I cried. "The little pink elf" did me in. I have only commented rarely and I feel bad about that because the amount of laughter you have inspired, not to mention your terrific perspective on infertility issues, have been a huge contribution to my mood on a regular basis. Thank you so much! Now I am going to make my husband read your post.

Re: the potty training, my 10-month-old is going in the potty, and my 2-year-old is behaving exactly like Caroline. Today, he sat on the potty for a while, and then got up and peed on the floor--actually, it was more of a spray. So while I don't have any suggestions, I wanted to let you know I am right there with you. Solidarity now (and pee in the potty soon)!

[Bobbie]

No advice on the diaper thing. My boys are 16 and 19 and I can barely remember them being in diapers....

Have you looked for the little red car under those books on the book shelf? My mother always taught me to retrace my steps. Where was the last place you remember having it? Also, ask Caroline where it is!

[Kate]

backwards pajamas (footless, zip-ups). my daughter stripped down and peed in her bed at every opportunity. i couldn't deal with duct tape, but the backwards pajamas have worked wonders! no more changing crib sheets!

[ivfcycler]

for red car, i also thought caroline might be the culprit. i hid my sister's lovie once when i was 5 and in a vaguely stressful situation. (ok, 3x in a row. then suspicions were raised and i stopped.)

for 5 yr old boy nightime bedwetting, a bedwetting alarm could do the trick.

[Sheila Z]

I was going to say duct tape, but you are already there. Your only hope is that just when you think you will lose you mind, Cricket will lose that behavior only to pick up a new thing that will equally annoy the crap out of you. Rinse, repeat until adulthood. So the being driven crazy by your kids won't change, just the magnitude of the issues. Boys, driving, alcohol use, etc. to come. Oh joy.

Hey, she no bites!

[Lisame]

I have no advice as I have no children BUT...my mother loves to tell people the story of when I was 4 and 5. Seems we lived next door to a park and my mom would let me out to play. More than once Mom would open to door to call me to lunch and, there, on the porch, were my clothes. No Lisa to be found!

Also, I've been meaning for weeks to tell you of an art installatiion that is SO VERY Patrick. Dallas. Nasher Sculpture Center. Hanging the length of the room, floor to ceiling are letters. How to explain? Two inch aluminum hollow uppercase letters attached with fishing line(?) Must be two hundred strings to span the room, floor to ceiling. You touch them and separate them to walk through (like a hippie screen) I could NOT get the image of Patrick seeing this out of my head.

I believe you should come to Dallas while the installation is still up so we can have tea.

[Cheryl]

I think the post from Anne is pure genius and I love the idea of putting Patrick on the case. I'm sure he could appeal to her on a kid level that would make it a game rather than a battle of the wills.

But another tactic - my brother-in-law used to put the dog in the bathroom with my nephew and tell him it was a race to see who could go first. Odd, but it worked. Maybe you could could have Caroline and Edward race for some kind of treat (M&Ms maybe?) for the winner. I suspect she would completely dominate the challenge by only playing when she had to go and Edward didn't, but the element of competition & one-upping her brother might be all the incentive she needs.

And the real reason I'm posting has nothing to do with this week's post (which I loved btw): Ann Taylor Loft online is running a special on jeans this week. $29.50 for almost all the jeans that they carry - which is about 1/2 price. Every once in a while they do this. Anyways, very stylish and current and I have been pleased with them. My only issue is that the skinny jeans have so much stretch to them that they don't actually feel like denim, but they're soft and cute. Their slim jeans look almost identical, but less stretchiness. So you may want to browse their website and see if anything catches your eye.

[Cheryl]

Oops - a correction: this weekEND the jeans are on sale. Not this week. Sorry. It's shorter notice than I realized.

[Christiana]

Scouring the comments for useful tidbits for our own 2-yr-old Caroline's potty-training boot camp. Ugh. She loves to sit on the potty, but more often than not (has peed in the potty 3-4 times since November) has sat there for eons and then peed on the floor or in the tub (bath time) within moments of finally getting up. It never seems to be purposeful since that first time when she said "have to go potty" I said "are you sure?" she said yes, and when I removed her diaper and sat her on the potty, she actually went! I thought, "this might actually be easy!" and then it didn't happen again for months...

But we have a new baby coming in less than 4 months and I'd love to have her at least mostly trained by then, so i only have to change one set of diapers (and I'm about to lose my job, so it would be nice to not have to buy diapers all summer, too)

[Lisa]

When my kids were little, we'd let them have 5 minutes of 'Naked Time'. They'd streak gleefully around the house until we'd tell them times up. Maybe you and Caroline can reach a compromise.

For Patrick, keep an eye on the reading issue. My son went through vision therapy because his right eye kept 'shutting off' when he was reading. It wasn't obvious, but was found during vision therapy testing. His eyes weren't tracking well either. It's really simple testing, usually covered by insurance. Caught early, it's easier to fix and makes a world of difference!

[Pam L]

Lisa, we did vision therapy for my older son when he was 11 and it was discovered he had double vision and those prism glasses are too tricky to get it right. They told us 4-6 months and he was released after 4 because we did all the work at home.What a difference. He has perfect vision to this day, and he's now 24. SO, worth it. Was your experience with it good as well?

[MsCellania]

Hannah Andersson training pants with a plastic cover over them. Or let her stay nekkid and let her FEEL when she pees. Ah, when it's about time for #2, I'd position her over the pot with a good book. Right after she peels off her clothing (and you have plenty of time to wait), offer her something she loves -- which she gets AFTER SHE re-dresses herself, including getting that diaper back on somehow. Do this about 5 times in a row, every time she strips down.

When our oldest starting smacking the beejaysus out of his 11 month younger brother (both adopted, who knew it would happen so fast not only once but twice) with toys or biting him, we let him go with reprimands and time outs (he was 3 and 1/2) for about a week. When oldest smacked youngest with a metal Thomas train and left a goose egg on the younger one AND bit him nearly breaking the skin at the same time, I grabbed the Cholula (kinda hot sauce, but not that hot) out of the fridge and shook a couple of dots on my finger, which I then had oldest sample. He yelped and cried. I told him next time he chose to whack or bite his brother, he was going to get a good dose of the naughty sauce. He never bit his brother again, and hit him ever so much more gently in the future. And wouldn't you know; the now 10 year old adores Cholula!

[winecat]

Steve's analysis of Edwards' mysterious mark, hysterical!

I so heart Patrick.

and last but not least "I no bite him", notice how she avoids mentioning that she just shoved him in the face : )

[Bramble]

YES! to the layering of crib sheets...then it's just like pulling sheets out of a tissue dispenser, but you must have waterproof layers between. I abhor sheets of all kinds.

As for toilet training. I am actually the world's worst toilet trainer. Our pediatrician's latest advice for our four and soon-to-be five-year-old who is still not trained is to STRIP HIM NAKED and have him run the house that way. This strikes fear in my very soul. I can see hours spent sponging and mopping. I seriously doubt he will be in diapers for his first date, so I have toned down the panic a bit. This wee one WILL NOT be rushed. FOR ANYTHING.

[Kim]

I just want you to know that I love your blog; I can't quite remember how I found it but I am glad that I did. Your writing is HILARIOUS, and you are a fabulous writer.

[Casey]

Overalls, on backwards if necessary. FOR A YEAR. Oy, but it works

[michelemom]

I feel your pain, sort of. Mine will not undress himself yet. I'm sure he could if he wanted, but he likes to wear clothes, and gets mad when we do not put clothes on him. However, he does not want to go potty. He wants to wear diapers. No matter how much I talk and talk about it- how big boys do it, daddy does it, mommy does it, all your friends do it, you can get cool Elmo underwear if you will do it- 'No, I don't want to go potty, just want my diaper.' He is never going to go on the potty.

[Annabelle]

Completely unrelated to this post - for Patrick's consideration. This weekend was Houby Days in Cedar Rapids and I thought of Patrick. It's a weekend-long celebration of...the morel mushroom. Yeah. I've never been - I just found out what a houby was, despite living nearby for nearly 7 years, off and on - but as soon as I heard what it was, I thought of Patrick.

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/93802299.html

[Bounce House]

You line about your daughter being a "houdini nudist" was seriously one of the funniest things I've ever heard... I've been laughing since i read it this morning. thanks.