We Went To The Zoo Zoo Zoo

I got Edward up yesterday morning and even though it was almost nine he was still very sleepy. I left him on the couch while I went to make his breakfast. You know, I have a whole new respect for the posted breakfast hours of a B&B - getting Caroline and Edward and Patrick to all eat at the same time each morning requires a militancy I clearly do not possess. Patrick is more of a bruncher - he doesn't really want to eat until he's been awake for a couple of hours. I sympathize with this. Caroline is a vole - she likes to eat a bit and then a bit of something else fifteen minutes later and then a tiny bit more fifteen minutes after that. Edward, meanwhile, will open his eyes and ask, "Eat uh yiddle sumpching?" and by a yiddle he means three bowls of oatmeal and two cartons of yogurt and a banana and maybe some Cheerios and then a piece of toast and half a pound of grapes.

Where was I? Oh right. Edward was sleepy so I left him on the couch while I went to get his full English and when I returned I found this

there was something so sweet about his chunky little boy frame tucked into the fetal position - toes folded inward and all. 

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On a more or less daily basis the thing I feel most guilty* about is how infrequently I do anything interesting with Caroline and Edward. I mean we do things but we generally do them at home. A big week for us involves the library. So our recent car trips have been a revelation to them. Like, so the whole time we've been home getting excited when you break out the watercolors there has been all this STUFF out here?

And I'm like well uh yeah I guess so hey you want to make some play dough? I'll add food coloring! And Caroline and Edward try to jimmy open a window

So (when I am not freaking out about this article - thank you so much for the commune help; you were absolutely invaluable) I have been trying to get out more and as a result today the whole family went to the zoo.

Edward saw a tiger.

 

First Patrick feigned disinterest

then he recruited Caroline and staged a sit-in.

 

There was a slightly scary bear

 

which prompted a reassuring hug

and an even more reassuring Snoopy-esque kiss

Holy cats (I say holy cats! so Caroline and Edward say holy cats! and every time they do it Patrick looks at me accusingly as says, "Now look what you've done." Patrick disapproves of my meaningless slang) but holy cats! could that picture be any cuter?  

Halfway to the zoo I realized that we had forgotten the stroller and I thought OH DAMN IT. The zoo is big. Caroline and Edward are little. I had visions of them making it about twenty feet before we had to carry them from exhibit to exhibit in the blazing sun. Steve said it would be fine. Patrick said we should just forget about the whole thing and turn the car around. I was inclined to agree with Patrick but Steve's set face and palpable disdain at my neurotic conviction that unrestrained two year olds are 500% more likely to be eaten by tigers won the day. So we drove and I fretted and when I got there I discovered that the zoo rents double strollers for $7.

SOLD!

This reminds me of an interaction we had at Tyler Place. Another couple there had twins who are about two weeks younger than Caroline and Edward. We saw them one day as we were all heading toward the Toddler Playhouse. Caroline and Edward were in their stroller; the other twins were poking along under their own steam. The father with whom we had spoken a few times came over and peered at Caroline and Edward.

"Well well well," he said. "So these two are the same age as ours, eh?"

Then he said, "They look so much more... constrained."

And I said, "Ah."

And he said, "Huh."

And a bicyclist swerved to avoid his daughter who was spread-eagle on the road and we strolled on and he went to talk her through the next ten feet. 

I have spent the past four weeks coming up with witty rejoinders as to why I preferred to make the mile walk from our cabin to the toddler playhouse with Caroline and Edward securely stowed in a locked and upright position but too late, alas.

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*Guilt. I mean I feel most guilty about this in the narrow confines of parenting. After I typed it I wondered what I feel most guilty about, in my entire life, period, and the subsequent mental gymnastics I performed to answer this question amused me.

"Oh I know!" I would think. "I feel really guilty about that time I got caught making fun of that woman in college who cited Yom Kippur when she publicly forgave me for having been mean to her boyfriend who had been my boyfriend, like, three years earlier."

But then I would think about it some more and I realized that it wasn't guilt I was feeling; it was embarrassment. I was embarrassed that she was standing directly behind me as I gave a fairly deadly impersonation of her but I don't really feel guilty about it. I still think she was being ridiculous. This kept happening. I kept remembering things and then I would confuse feeling guilty about them with being really really embarrassed. I wondered why until I realized that both emotions are founded in shame; one is just more vinegary. 

Ultimately I decided that the thing I feel most guilty about is being horrible to a guy named Ed Hubbard who tried very hard to help me as I was busy trying to drown myself in alcohol during law school. The nicer he was the more I took advantage of him and the lower I sank and I feel terrible about it to this day. I almost want to Facebook him but that would involve Facebook (which I do not do) and a message that would start like something from the AA forgiveness speech (which would be misleading.) I don't know. Maybe I should track him down. What did Nora Ephron decide was the statue of limitations on apologies?

As for embarrassment I have no idea why it stays so scorching no matter how much time has elapsed. Seriously, why is that? I can remember how it felt to be hopelessly in love with any number of people when I was 16 but I certainly am no longer in love with any of them. Why do I still feel just as embarrassed now about completely misunderstanding what that one guy was trying to tell me (ohhhh THAT kind of coke. and that kind of gay - uh, wow) as I did at the time?

What do you think? What keeps its emotional freshness for you? Anger? Affection? I still say embarrassment trumps all but I'm willing to hear other takers. What's still keeping you cringing or moaning or clenching your fists years later?

Comments

[liz s]

Not much to add about emotions. Just wanted to pipe in that I would have been the dad with the kids walking. Because my children have always been the unrestrainable type and because I am the mom who always forgets the stroller, the camera and the sun screen. You are an awesome mom staying home and making play dough

[victoria]

Anger. Unfortunately.

[el-e-e]

My kids (my 2-y-o, specifically) says, "Holy Moly!"

Embarassment over the dumbest comments, but man, does it linger. I like reading everyone's comments. Makes me feel better.

I have two of those old memories. One from when I was not even 14, and the other from college. They're too detailed to explain here, but one involved whispering that was not quiet enough, and the other involved commentary about someone else's faith.

I could die. Still.

[Nimble]

Heather Z, I am so tickled imagining two people talking about Rush and having the Limbaugh/Canadian Rock Band disconnect. You should not be embarrassed about that at all!

[sheilah]

I think you are spot on with the shame vs. embarrassment argument.

Embarrassment is slipping on a banana peel or splitting your pants open or getting your dress caught in your underpants. Something that could happen to Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama.

Shame is something mean/bad/awful that you did purposefully that you feel violated your own code of ethics (as you said). A bad thing that you did to someone else.

[Jan]

Edward's profile in the saw-a-tiger photo is shockingly like Caroline's. (I'm always amazed afresh at facial similarities in families, and I don't know why.) Then in slightly-scary-bear, I noticed the similarities in the shape of their eyebrows (although Caroline's are heavier) and downturned mouth corners (although Caroline's lower lip is fuller). She looks less like Steve here (although what do I really know), and more like a darker, cheekier, full-lipped version of you.

[Leah]

Amalah had a good post about how parents of kids with autism or other issues get so tired of being told their kid is too big to ride in the stroller.

My son is only 11 months old but I could see strollering him for quite some time, especially given how crazily people drive in our neighborhood.

[Nicole]

Oh, I think the other dad was jealous that you're able to use your clearly superior parenting skills to convince your toddlers to sit happily in the stroller. I have one 19-month old girl and I would LOVE to use the stroller everywhere we go, but she'll only sit in it for about two minutes before she complains VERY loudly (and this is with snacks, milk, boots, and bear). I would gladly use the stroller whenever possible...

[Marcia]

Iv been going over and over this for too many months and had really started to belive that im the only one that obsesses over stuff - and what happens i read a post on one of my absolute favourite blogs and she is thinking and writting about similar things. Thank you for making me feel normal again. It doesnt ease the way i feel about it all but im working on it and its definatly embarresment more than anything with a little bit of i dont know what ;-) your kids are adorable by the way!

[FP Wear]

Yes! Embarassment!
I still cringe a little at the thought that I didn't know that the popular kids were talking about Meatloaf not meatloaf. It was grade 10. That was, ahem, some time ago.

[Cris]

Victoria - glad to know I'm not the only one (with anger being the emotion that remains the clearest and keeps rearing its ugly head over the same issues).

A psychiatrist I know once said that anger is really a combination emotion made up of fear and a feeling of betrayal. Now when I get blindingly angry I try to break down that emotion and pinpoint why I am feeling either / both of those other emotions. It helps me clarify exactly what is making me so mad. It doesn't always move me past the emotion, but it does help.

[Karen]

The time I got the kid I was babysitting in trouble with a neighbor. Seriously. I don't know why I thought, at age 15, it would be an excellent idea to help fuel this kid's feud with a neighbor kid, to the point where the neighbor kid's DAD came over to yell at me. Luckily the mom I was babysitting for was infinitely forgiving (she was also my piano teacher) but i cannot think of that day without blushing bright red. And I have never told my husband about it. Gads.

[lacoste shoes 2010]

Did you ever expect a corporation to have a conscience,when it has no soul to damned,and no body to be kicked?Do you understand?