Lackamalaisical

I am in an unprecedented funk. A recession. A malaise.

Nothing is specifically wrong. The children have a cold but if I slipped into the megrims every time a kid stopped breathing through both nostrils I'd never get out of bed... so that's not it. We continue to follow an austerity budget but things aren't nearly as disastrously nauseatingly bleak as they were this time last year so I doubt that financial concerns are crushing my spirit. I just.. I just feel SAD.

I cut out alcohol and caffeine and I started going to bed at ten (I still don't fall asleep until forever but, you know, I'm in there) and I have refused to watch the last disc of season one of True Blood (Aaaaiiiiiieeee! That SHOW! I had no idea I was such a delicate flower but I have spent half this series with my head under a pillow) and I have been drinking lots of water and I sat in the sun for forty minutes yesterday and... and meh. Steve - good son of psychiatry that he is - suggested that I see someone (especially with regard to what even I can acknowledge is my whackaloon anxiety when it comes to my children and The Great World: we are going to the Ffarm this weekend for the first time since it has been somewhat de-deathified and I got so worked up in anticipation of all of the things that might happen to the twins that I started communicating solely in eeps) and I nodded but in truth I don't even really know what that means. I have seen that line a million times since I first started reading Ann Landers at the age of eight (You might want to see someone about your eighty cats. If you continue to answer your wife's harmless inquiries with 'For breakfast I want to dance on your dismembered corpse. And eggs' you should see someone) and although I have always been respectful of the wisdom I have never gotten the logistics.

Is the theory that we all have some loving family counselor on speed dial? Am I supposed to go to my normal physician - the guy who told me that there was really nothing to be done with migraines and who I worry already feels like I'm that girl who spends too much time in the nurse's office - and tell him I've been feeling a little SAD lately? I am 90% certain he will tell me to cheer up.

And so I should. But I'm still in a funk.

+

I took Caroline with us to speech/physical therapy last week. Generally she stays home with Steve but we had to go to the airport immediately after Patrick and Edward were done and I thought she would appreciate the car ride so she came too.

She's very different from her brothers. When Edward and Patrick are waiting at therapy they sit with me - Edward usually on my lap - and we read. Caroline wanted to be as far away from me as possible. She went and looked at the toy area and then at the book area and then she wandered over to the receptionist and said "hello" and then she scribbled on the sign in sheet and then she saw a smaller toddler.

"Oh!" she said ecstatically, "A little baby! Hello little baby!" and she patted his head like a bichon frise.

When Edward hesitated to leave us and go with his therapist Caroline put her hand into the woman's outstretched one and said, "I'll go!"

The therapist laughed and said, "I don't think you need to practice talking."

Caroline squinched up her lips and said, "We could play something else, OK?"

[Caroline's newest affectation is to end every sentence with oooookkkkkay? or you knoooooow? Very pre-pre-pre-teen]

Edward realized that Caroline was trying to muscle in on his beloved Kendra and said, "No Caroline! MINE!" and he took Caroline's hand away and inserted his own. Then they left and Caroline kind of shrugged and went back to the toy area where another mother was playing with her son.

Which... and this might be the gumps talking so forgive me if I sound cranky but... the toy area at therapy is a corner of the lobby with a knee wall and a gap to go in and out. This woman was sitting on the floor with both legs stretched out so they were completely blocking the entrance. The first few times Caroline walked over she stopped at the legs and tried to figure out what to do. I watched her and waited for the woman to move her legs but she did not. So Caroline left and then circled back again and left and circled... she really wanted those toys. Should I have said something? It was obvious that Caroline wanted to get into the toy area but maybe the woman needed a prod from another adult? I tend to hover though and I am trying - especially with Caroline who has a strong independent streak with which I do not want to interfere - to back off provided they aren't bothering anyone. I'm still not sure if I should have intervened.

Anyway Caroline eventually climbed over the woman's legs (generally I would consider this "bothering" but... the woman WAS blocking the area) and went to join the boy (six?) at the toy kitchen. He was very nice. He did not want to play with Caroline but he wasn't mean about it. He simply ignored her. So Caroline stood next to him and imitated what he did, which mostly consisted of holding things up and saying, "What is this mom?" and his mother would say, "That's spaghetti" or "That's an egg." Caroline watched them for a moment and then picked up a piece of play food and said, to the woman, "What is this mom?"

The woman answered her the first two times but the third time she said, "I'm not your mom! Your mom is over there" and waved in the general direction of three feet away, where I was sitting. 

I said, "Hi Caroline!" and Caroline looked embarrassed.

I don't even know why I am telling you this story... it has no real point but now I feel all committed to finishing it.

So then the mother decided she wanted to take pictures of the kid using her cell phone. She pulled out her phone and told the boy to smile and gestured at Caroline to move saying, "Could you move out of the way?" since she didn't want Caroline in the picture, which is fine although just in case you've forgotten this is the toy area at therapy not the Eiffel Tower or anything. Caroline stood there looking like she had no idea what the woman was talking about (because she had no idea what the woman was talking about) and then she saw the camera/phone and was, like, ohhhhhh POSE! So Caroline vamped and the woman asked her to move again and the boy, gently, gave her a nudge out of the way and I decided to intervene on behalf of the purity of the family photo. I swung into the toy area (climbing over the lady's damned legs which were still stretched across the entrance) and said "Oh I do BEG your PARDON for CLIMBING over YOU" as I did so.

I picked up Caroline and climbed BACK over the legs and Caroline was just about to kick up a fuss when I suggested we go to the bathroom. Since this involved opening doors into mysterious corridors Caroline perked up enormously and it had an automatic soap dispenser that was worth the price of admission right there.

I think the woman was rude. The end.

+

When we got home I let Caroline POSE.

+

Thank you very much for the movie suggestions. I think I will put them into a google document and post it on the sidebar. Unless there is a better way to organize and share something like that? A list that I create but you can update? Something? I have been meaning to do this with your book suggestions too so that they are neatly accessible for us.

Oh! Speaking of which I am looking for good preschool books for the twins. You know the kind of picture books that talk them through a typical day? I'd like to read some before they start in three weeks - Patrick wasn't remotely suggestible but they are. Any suggestions? I looked at the library but I find that the picture books section is such an unholy mess that it is impossible to find anything specific when you want it.     

We have the Curious George remake where he goes to school and I tried reading that but every time we've talked about school since then Caroline has mentioned the monkey. Maybe Spot goes to school? Although I think he's pals with a monkey there too. No monkeys.

+

Patrick starts school again in two weeks and I will miss having him around. He calls Caroline and Edward his little minions and they will more or less do anything he wants them to do. He recently confessed to my mother that he loves the power.

I think if I could compel people to wear sunglasses during lunch for my amusement I would probably do it too.

We are a little vague on whether or not he had to keep a summer journal. At times he says yes, at times he says no. Since he has not written a word - about his summer, he is on Issue 25 of Letter Comix - since June this may and/or may not be a problem for him when school starts. However, Steve and I are very clear on the fact that we are done with the third grade so the emphasis there is on for him. Last year I wanted the school transition to go well and I somehow inserted myself into the middle of his homework struggles so that he would get mad at me when Sunday night rolled around and he had X to do. Never again! That's my vow this year. I may help him organize himself but I refuse to become involved in that battle. Yes, homework sucks and, yes, I fully expect this year he will have a lot more to do and I will be happy to find him a sharpened pencil but that's it. I am writing this as a personal affirmation, by the way, because I am kind of controlling and in my secret heart I just KNOW I could do a better, more organized job if I could just do third grade all over again. Like, I would have that science fair posterboard done in November rather than faking data the night before like I always did. 

Ha! I just re-read that paragraph and remembered that Patrick has been struggling with memorizing the last thirteen multiplication problems (random ones that he blanks on - mostly from the 4s and 7s tables: he points out he doesn't like the number 7. he also dislikes the letter W) and I finally offered to pay him a dollar for each one he nails before school starts. So... you know, totally disengaging myself.

+

I went in for seed packet gardening this year after I dug up a bunch of overgrown shrubs and wanted to add back in some color without spending any money or effort.

The results were mixed.

Lush morning glory vines framing the porch entrance? Pretty!

Riotous wildflower cottage garden? Not so much.

Isn't that appalling? My idea was that I was going to broadcast handfuls of wildflower seeds into the front bed and it was going to morph into a charming blast of all-summer color. Instead it looks like it should be hiding a rusted 1966 Dodge Dart. Mistakes were made. I got a lot of nice advice last spring about the garden (Planting Oaks was especially helpful) and as I recall many of you told me that my underperforming irises needed to be... separated? Replanted? Since I am going to have to pull all this crap up anyway I thought I would move the irises while I am at it.

+

I love Edward's tumbling auburn lock. He's very Romantic, even in fire truck pajamas. Speaking of pajamas, Caroline has outgrown her Little Keeper Sleeper 2T short-sleeved pair. Little Keeper Sleepers are designed for the stripper toddler who cannot keep her clothes - or worse her diaper - on after you put the cherub to bed. Lulu is a reader who sent me an email a few weeks ago offering to send Caroline her son's outgrown 4T pairs and this was so very kind of her that I decided to do the same. So the first person who comments or emails me that they have a child who could use Caroline's escape-proof 2Ts  (full disclosure: we had a babysitter the other night who let Caroline paint - REAL CRAFT PAINT not washable gak - in them so one of the two pairs has a slight red stain on the chest) will get them in the mail. Lemme know.

Comments

[Alanna]

We had good luck with Maisy goes to preschool.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

Woman was awful. Motherhood has changed me ... I used to ignore and/or seethe at such people, but now I tend to get in their faces and treat them like a clueless two-year-old: "Excuse me, but could you please move your legs? Other people need to walk by. Yes, thank you, just like that. Good girl!" Feel free to appropriate my technique. :)

Re the sad, I am very sorry. Doubly sorry at the moment since I'm suffering the same thing, for equally inexplicable reasons. I hope you find "someone" to consult, but I got burned with that when I saw a social worker during my pregnancy (since I was just a teensy bit anxious about tackling motherhood with twins!). A few months later I requested my records at my HMO for something else, and for some reason the records office printed out all my records. ALL of them, as in, including the SW's notes on our sessions. Well, of course I had to read them... and she was clueless! She had NO IDEA what I was about or the issues I had been trying to explore with her. It was shocking to me. And all of her rambling crap was in my permanent record as the gospel truth! Very disturbing to me.

YMMV, of course.

Vitamins are looking better and better to me. Best of luck with that, gracious friend.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

I forgot; I meant to ask if you have thought about doing modeling/commercials with the stunning Miss Cahoyine? Most of the modeling stuff you see advertised is a scam, of course, but there is some real modeling/commercial work, too. A friend of mine has a very photogenic and outgoing 6 yo boy, and he is getting some modeling work. They are putting the proceeds (a hundred bucks here, a hundred there) in the bank for college. Just a thought. She seems to have the perfect temperament for it!

[kathy]

My son starts preschool in...5 hours and yeah, maybe I should have gotten a book about it. I keep mentioning it, but 75% of the time he ignores the subject. He did mention that Caillou and Leo were going to be there, so I know he is somewhat aware of it.

I personally am anxious, sad and scared about preschool for my boy. I'm not sure he's ready - I think he's NOT ready, but, well, his therapists think it will help him get over his social shyness and fear of children. Okay. We'll see.

So, because I can only think of others in terms of myself - perhaps the kids going to school is making you sad? I know I frequently wish I could drop him off somewhere, but the idea of dropping him off somewhere also makes me want to throw up.

[Thumbelina]

Has anyone mentioned 'I Want To Go To School Too' by Astrid Lindgren? It's not about preschool, but it might be good for the twinkles because it's about a younger sibling going to school with her older brother for a day. It has lovely illustrations as well.

[Laura]

That woman sounds ridiculous and you don't sound nearly angry enough about her. I will hate her for you. What a bitch. I am feeling righteously indignant on your behalf.

Also, I LOVE therapy! I am a little biased, as I am in training to be a therapist, so it does keep me employed. We joke in my program that we're all in therapy, but really ... we pretty much are. I've gone back and forth between seeing someone regularly and just having someone I touch base with when it seems necessary (Oh hi, paralyzing anxiety stopping me from working! Insomnia? Pseudo-panic-attacks? Right, you again. Off to the shrink.)

My recommendation would be to find someone who is trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Most therapists are eclectic, but someone with a background in CBT is going to have some tools in their toolbox for managing specific aspects of whatever you're dealing with that are known to be effective. I like it because you can get very workbook-y and I like feeling productive, and filling out worksheets and bringing my homework back to my therapist makes me feel like I've accomplished something. There are a lot of good self-help books that you can use if you are similarly dorky (Mind over Mood is the first that comes to mind, but just go on Amazon and search for 'CBT depression workbook').

A quick note about finding a therapist, don't feel shy about trying one out and not going back if you don't click! You try on more than one pair of jeans (... or you did at one point in your life where wandering around the mall trying on different jeans was possible, right?) so why would you expect the first therapist would be your perfect match? Therapists are absolutely OK with you coming to meet with them just to see how you get on together and whether you think it will be a good fit. Try lots! This website is a good place to start looking: http://abct.org/Home/

[Amie]

BIIIIITCH!!! I wouldn't have handled it so well.....I would have said something for sure and I would have told her if she wanted to take pictures maybe SHE should move her kid.

[allison]

I second the comments on Vitamin D. And I have to say there was a time when I was in your exact same shoes but had NO idea how to go about finding a professional to talk to. So I didn't. But I also want to say that I have been seeing a naturopathic doc for other health reasons, and she has a lot of patients that see her for general gloominess. There is some supplement, called 5 HTP, which she prescribes a lot ... it creates seratonin, which converts to melatonin. Something you may want to look into -- I know one person who has had great success with it.

[Steph]

Just some random thoughts:

Talking to someone could bring a miraculous break through or at least let you see things clearer.

(I thought maybe the whole we are done having kids and done working on having babies might be bogging you down??)

Minions . . you should take Patrick to see "Despicable Me".

Both of my kids loved: "Who Hops" by Katie Davis.

Thanks for always having wonderful posts . . that help me keep things in perspective. I've said it before . . you should be writing a book.

Take care!

[scarlettbgonya]

Sort of piling on here but...as a person who is generally pretty content emotionally, it took me a long time to realize that the anxiety I was experiencing was in fact not normal. I kept trying to blame it on specific things that were troubling me, but nothing quite clicked. There were countless sleepless nights where I replayed my entire work day and wondered which mistake would lead to my being fired, sued, and finally all alone living in a cardboard box under the railroad tracks. This is just one example.

Ultimately it reached a boiling point and I decided to take the "see someone" advice. In my first session I explained that for every tiny decision I made I assumed that the worst-case scenario would ultimately result. The therapist asked me if my world had ever ended, and I said no, of course not. Happy marriage, supportive family, great friends...but then we started talking about my past several years - failed IVF, no money to adopt or try again, death of a parent, job loss. I realized that, in several instances, the end of the world HAD come for us, and my brain had become hard-wired to expect the worst.

ANYway, since I had previously been a fairly sunny person, the therapist suggested I try daily physical activity and positive thinking exercises before we tried medication, and after just a couple of months I felt mostly like my old self again. It seems so obvious - natural endorphins + habitual optimism = happier person - but for some reason having a professional tell me to do it (and encourage me and hold me accountable) made all the difference.

YMMV, but I do know what it feels like to be sort of suddenly crippled by anxiety with no apparent cause. And I do believe that the right person could help you figure out how to get back to where you want to be. Good luck.

[julianna]

When your migraines started, didn't you mention that you wanted to try a friend's primary care doctor, but there was a long wait before a new patient appointment was available? Why don't you make an appointmnt with that doctor for a physical? Even if you have to wait a couple of months, there's nothing to stop you from trying other things in the meantime. You should have a doctor that you feel comfortable going to with problems.

I agree with others who've said this post just doesn't sound like you. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, and I hope you find something (or several somethings) that help(s) you. And since I'm dealing with the same kind of stuff, I selfishly hope that when you do find something that you share it here (or as much as you feel comfortable with).

[Emily Faulkner]

As for books, I recently bought "Maisy Goes to Preschool" for my little boy, who will be starting 2 year old preschool this year. (He won't quite turn two until a couple weeks after school starts, so he'll be the youngest.) He LOVES the book and asks for it every night, and he has memorized the daily schedule of Maisy and her classmates. It goes through a typical preschool day, and he delights in telling me each night just what Maisy and her pals will have for snack, and that they will go to the potty and read a story, etc. It's one of the better going to school books I've seen for little ones.

Hope the funk lifts for you soon. I've been in one all summer and am hoping the start of school, and fall (my favorite time of year) will help ease the blues. It's tough, and I have no real advice on how to find the right person to help you through it. Hang in there.

[VirginiaMom]

One of the "llama, llama" books is about going to preschool--"Llama, Llama Misses Mama" I think. My kids loved those books.

[Kristine Howard]

Just writing to say that yes, probably most americans have a therapist on speed dial! It really is pretty mainstream, I bet your doctor would recommend someone. I have LOTS of experience in this area (and I promise I just struggle with depression, I'm not insane!) and talking with someone often helps. If not, there are medications- I resisted for years because of the stigma but once gave in I knew immediately it was the right decision for me. Good luck!
PS- yes, that woman was a bitch...and I'll go one step further and say that I highly doubt her child was as cute as Caroline

[Alex]

That woman was horrible, but I applaud your letting Caroline solve her own problems (of getting around/over the legs). As you've mentioned, she is independent and crafty, and those qualities will go well with resilience and critical thinking skills, when she develops those. I do think, though, that you intervened at the appropriate time -- that horrible woman was being petty and maybe that interaction with the camera was a little over Caroline's head. Bravos all around, Mother of the Year.

In re: being depressed, maybe this is the worst advice ever (so take it with a grain of salt) but I find that when I'm in some sort of undefined funk, if I find a project to do (style: major change), the novelty of it and the distraction both help lift my spirits and decompress just enough that I can parse out whether I'm blue or depressed. If I'm still sad after that, I know something's up.

[Bopper]

I think one should say "Excuse me, could you move your legs?" before you get Passive Agressive.

Berenstein Bears have many good "issue" books that can be helpful when doing new things like going to the dentist or such.

[Val]

I'm sorry you're feeling "meh" as another reader put it. That's never fun.

I myself would love to have Caroline end up in a family photo--She's one of the most beautiful children I've ever seen. :)

And it's obviously about kindergarten and not preschool, but there's an awesome book with the most amazingly detailed illustrations titled _The Night Before Kindergarten_ that I'm actually buying for my nephew this week. I think it would be appropriate for pre-school too. There may be a preview on amazon's page for it, but the book does lead you through a typical day. It's just such a sweet book.

[Susan]

I would have just asked the woman, "Would you mind moving your legs so my daughter can get in?" She was rude, but she may have just been oblivious.

A book we like that includes preschool/kindergarten is "What Happens on Wednesdays" by Emily Jenkins. It includes more than just school, though--events include breakfast at the park with daddy, preschool, a trip to the library, and swimming at the pool.

I hope you feel better soon. Just making an appointment to see a therapist might make you feel better--it works for me! Partly b/c I feel as though I'm actively working on helping myself. Also, I recommend "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin (the book, not the blog)--lots of good food for thought.

[Jen M]

I second the idea of getting several names (from friends, your MD, etc). Many folks in private practice will be okay with you coming in for one session just to see if it's a good fit, so you could try out several and see who you click with. That may be tricky insurance-wise, but might be worth it to be sure your with someone that works.

[Laurel]

That woman sure sounds rude, but I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt-- maybe she was extra preoccupied about something, maybe her son had a more severe issue meriting PT, etc.

I'd also suggest CBT and vitamin D and I hope you feel better soon.

As a more potentially useful comment I really wanted to say... for book recs, do you have a good independent bookstore in the area? Of course a bookstore specializing in children's books is perfect but even at a store with a broader focus you might get some good advice. Kind of like going to the librarian but hopefully more interested in helping you out.

[Robyn]

It sounds counterintuitive, but I ALWAYS notice a change in my mood when I put off exercising for a week or two. Among all the other good advice here, I'd let Patrick hop on his bike (if he's a rider), throw the twins in a stroller, and go for a jog. I think I remember you posting something about being a "runner" a long ways back - the aftereffects really do make me feel better. It's the getting out of the house that's the hard part!

Big hugs! Hope you're feeling better.

[Jana]

I love that you couldn't take True Blood -- I have some friends that watch it but are also a little squeamish. Me? I'm the opposite -- only in the last couple of episodes has it gotten gory enough for me, what with the spine-ripping and dead vampire goo everywhere.

Side note: have you read Caleb Carr's books?

[Jan]

Don't have time to read all of the comments right now, but I too have been a little concerned about your doctor's responses. He does not sound up on things, and certain male doctors are not at all sympathetic towards women. I also think seeing a therapist would help you, but it has to be the right one. Insurance usually covers with co-pay. Although just talking really does help, especially the fist few sessions of unburdening, it is not magic and it is hard work. There may well be a medical aspect of your state (hormones, vitamins, anxiety that can be treated with medication), but a lot is often about cognitive change, how you see things and react to them, and that takes practice. I have been seeing someone for generalized anxiety, help with some specific stressful situations, and grief (both parents died). My place of work provides six free therapy sessions with people from a list of local therapists (then it flips to your insurance if you continue). I asked for a woman who specialized in anxiety, grief and parenting/divorce (one of my situations is being a new stepmother), then researched the names given to me. The one I chose is perfect -- she is a nurse with a PhD in psychiatric nursing, is a professor in the nursing school at a local university, and has her own practice. When you're already in a bad state, it's hard to be the "client' and have to go through a number of therapists if they're not working out, so I was really lucky and I hope you are, too.

[Jan]

Oh yes, and a fly-by additional comment. What do I really know, but from what you write, it doesn't sound like you get enough physical exercise. Are you still going to the gym?

[Jenna]

How is it I've never heard of the Little Keeper Sleepers when I change more toddler bedsheets than an orderly?!? Thanks for mentioning them!

[Jan]

5-htp worked wonders for me at first, but then it built up too much seratonin and created massive anxiety. I would not mess with it.

[Helen]

That woman in the waiting room is a B-OTCH. And I wish we lived closer together, because we could both start walking and venting or something. Alas no, but that's what I wish I had. A good friend to talk to. My husband thinks I should "see a professional" as well. Unfortunately, that's beyond our budget. The phone stopped working. The closets have a mysterious bad odor. We just moved into a place that gives me eczema. Filling out online surveys doesn't pay much. Oh, I guess I already vented and we didn't even have to take a walk. ha. The best I can do is send you thoughts of kindness and hope that it gets better. :)

[amanda]

I used the psychology today website to find my therapist. I looked at profiles and treatment thoughts and found the perfect person for me. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Seeing her and eventually taking medication was the hardest thing I have ever done. But worth every minute.

[SarahB]

Quick note on therapist: Just call your doctor's office and ask for a referral list of counselors. That's what I did. I chose one relatively nearby, liked her tone on the phone, and that was that. Do you need a specific referral from your regular doctor for insurance? If so, I wouldn't ask if you "need" one. Just say, I've been feeling down lately and would like to talk to a professional. And if he says no, time to find a new doctor anyway.

Ok, back to reading!

[amanda]

A complete profile from psychology today, including: specialty, focus, treatment philosophy, insurance information, contact info, location:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=37374&sid=1282840535.194_5100&zipcode=27616&zipdist=7&county=Wake&state=North+Carolina&s=R&therapist_gender=2

[Aunt Becky]

That woman was a bitch. That's not a question.

[Mas]

You are sad because Steve is all psyched and energized about the farm, but that's his thing, not yours, and you don't have something of your own to be psyched about right now.

You are sad because your babies aren't babies anymore, and it is always sad to see the youngest move out of each stage of growing up because you know you won't see it again.

You are sad because even though it's part time, all of your kids will be at school, and you are wondering what you will do.

You need a hobby. You need to volunteer somewhere. You need to join a group and meet some new people. You need to spend less time inside your house and more time out interacting with other people in a meaningful way. You need more exercise.

[Mas]

The mom in the play area might have been

*having bad cramps or coming down with something or recovering from an illness
*going through a divorce or already divorced and only able to see her son for limited amounts of time, or feeling the sadness that he'd be off to school soon and she wouldn't have as much time with him
*out of sorts because of financial troubles, a foreclosure or a job loss
*complaining about YOU when she got home

Look, no one was hurt, your daughter still was able to play there. It's not like the woman tripped her or blocked her from going into the play area. What a waste of your energy for you to still be dwelling on it this much later. Next time, do say something, and then maybe you'll get a better perspective.

[victoria]

1. That woman wasn't rude, she was batshit insane. I feel sad for her and her tragic spawn: he has no chance. (Good lord, WHO asks a toddler to move out of the camera's way? And WHY?) I wonder what it's like to be in her head. (Did she hate you for your and your babes' beauty? I mean, WTF?)

2. On the other hand: "We could play something else, OK?" Caroline SLAYS me.

3. A fellow insomniac, I feel you. None of the three (increasinbly powerful) sleep meds I've been prescribed worked. The sleep doctor switched me to the hard stuff: sleep hygiene.

Sleep hygiene includes not lying in bed awake for more than twenty minutes. Ever. If you're awake in the middle of the night you are supposed to get up, go into a low-lit room & do something boring until you feel drowsy.

You may have to do this repeatedly, every night.

You may have to move into a separate bedroom to stop disturbing your poor spouse with all your jack-in-the box activity (I did).

Also no naps, of course, and same bedtime and waketime every day even if you're so tired you are propping your eyelids up with toothpicks.

Sleep hygiene is BRUTAL. It makes me teary and belligerant. I threatened my husband with divorce last week because he left his dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. I love this man, but fatigue makes me as crazy as that lady in the play area at the speech therapist's.

So far the hygiene isn't working.

Uh, but, uh, go ahead & try it, if you like. :-) -v.

[rupiedupie]

'Mas'
seems misguided.

[Naomi]

When my kid needed to "see someone" I went to my health insurer's website and printed out the list of places that were in-network. Then I looked for places not too far from my house. Then I asked around among friends for recommendations.

I think what you need most is a better primary care provider, though. Most people I know taking antidepressants just get them from their PCP.

Since you live in Minnesota, I would strongly agree with the chorus suggesting vitamin D supplements. Between long winters and greater use of sunblock, pretty much everyone in this state is deficient. Low vitamin D can cause a whole host of health problems, from depression to raising your risk of MS. Fish oil supplements are also helpful for many people with depression and anxiety. It kind of depends on how bad it is, how long it's already lasted, and how long you feel like you can keep on keeping on to see if stuff helps.

Exercise is also commonly recommended for both depression and anxiety. My husband's employer made me do a health promotion program last year, so I wore a pedometer for six weeks and tracked my steps. This made it really clear to me that yes, in fact, I experience spikes in free-floating anxiety when I've spent days at a time not getting out of the house.

[Julia]

Oh no, I thought Mas had some good insights. She goes by a lot of different names in my comments and I don't think she likes me very much but I almost always find her to be helpful. She's bracing - like a colonic.

[rupiedupie]

YOU
ARE
SUCH
A
GOOD
SPORT!
;)

[lizneust]

Woman - totally rude.

If your primary care guy isn't someone you can talk to about finding someone to talk to, how about your GYN? You might also ask at the place your kids do therapy, if you are okay giving them that peek into your life. Otherwise, get the list of approved providers for your insurance and pick a name. I'm not being flip - you may not end up with the best connection, but most of the folks in the profession are pretty good. I'm a huge believer in talk therapy, and I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists and a social worker or 2. Both the social workers were terrific. I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Olya]

ugh, that lady was RUDE! You were a lot nicer to her than I would have been!

So sorry you are feeling low. Perhaps talk to your OB-GYN? Mine was a lot nicer to me than my regular doctor when I was feeling depressed. (And I just spent a year and a half depressed and sad and wanting for everything to just go away; now that I am feeling better, I realize I should have gone on anti-depressants right away. Of course, when you are depressed, it's hard to care enough to go and do it).

Hang in there! *hug*

[Jan]

I am supposed to be working so I won't take time to read all your usually-quite-entertaining comments, but I had a suggestion about Caroline and the woman with the blocking legs.

I've got my parenting weak spots, but I am raising two quite self-sufficient souls and I take some credit for that. Had it been my child confronting the splayed legs, I would have prompted HER: "Caroline, if you would like that lady to move out of the way, you could say, 'excuse me'." (Perhaps this would be seen as passive-aggressive on my part, but I find that not caring about that much helps me in the long run.)

[Julia]

Holy cats, Jan, that is EXACTLY what I should have done. I could have done it with a smile at the woman, too, so she didn't feel like I was correcting her - just instructing Caroline. Nice, thank you.

And now I am off to Lands Inlet to try to buy winter stuff for three kids for less than $40. I can dream.

[tree town gal]

that lady was so rude that it's comical.

julia, giving up caffeine and wine -- that would make anyone SAD. seriously. it's a tough transition... i know i need to find a therapist for my daughter for nothing big but it will be... and i am dreading it... it's a pain, often disappointing, and too often a waste of time. i wish they had like 2 minute speed dating for therapists.

[Denise]

Julia, I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

I visited a therapist after my cancer diagnosis, because of anxiety. I don't think he helped at ALL--in fact I felt so uncomfortable in his presence that I just quit even though my anxiety wasn't any better. When I found out that they caught the cancer early, then I felt better. I don't know, I believe in therapy, but I think it must be hard to get the right fit. I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to be DOING and it felt like wallowing--I kept waiting for the advice but he didn't really have anything.

So I guess my advice would be see someone, but be clear on what you want to do. Have someone listen with a sympathetic ear? Get to the root of a problem? Change your thinking or behavior?

[babelbabe]

*I* am a librarian, and your librarian's suggestion to just "try a keyword search" is UNACCEPTABLE. tell her to check the catalog under "phoning it in."

Give me a day or so, i will at least try to find something with my mad librarian skillz. yo.

[Jan]

I'm supposed to be working too, but I can't tear away. I had also been thinking along the lines of Mas's first set of remarks, but since I'm not a stay at home mom (and never could have been), I worried that my thoughts might be skewed by my own perspective. Still, you've gone through so much to get where you are with a family, and there's much more parenting to come, but it seems as if you're at the start of a major transition to "What are you going to do with the rest of your life?" I still fear I am projecting because this is one of my problems, but if you are really content being a "tree sloth" (your metaphor) with a rich interior life and don't feel a need to cultivate a talent or interest, write a book, that's fine. If not, maybe you need to work something out? It can get lonely up in that tree.

[Deanna]

Being passive-aggressive as I am, I wouldn't have said anything to that woman. But I would have farted on her head when I walked past.

[llcsis]

I've long been a fan of Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse series and find True Blood a surprisingly good series. Usually it fails utterly when they bring to screen.

The tv series is very different (gore! blood! trashy and callous!) from the books which are funnier and lighter. They follow enough of the storyline that I enjoy it, but flesh out the characters and add twists from the original.

I think I love Hetty's answer to Waiting Room Mom best. We all go thru that horrible blahness sometimes ((hugs)) and try vitamin D (since you avoid the sun by necessity). But sometimes hormones just like to fuck with us.

[SusanOR]

1) total bitch, repeating what others have said.
2) find a psychologist or LCSW. Don't waste time with a psychiatrist unless you really want to start on meds right now, as that's what most of them have to offer/are trained to provide.

3) Books for patrick (what's up with that librarian?): Anything by Madeline L'Engle (read them in order, though - both groups) - science, mystery, magic, strong female characters, Agghh, I can't wait until my 4 year old is old enough for them!

[Barb]

This is just ONE of the reasons I love you: "'Oh I do BEG your PARDON for CLIMBING over YOU' as I did so." Bravo for you. I practically hate that lady and I wasn't even there.

Maybe your doctor could prescribe an antidepressant? I've taken Lexapro for anxiety and it's really helped. I'm still ME, I still experience anxiety, but I can cope so much better. (And no side-effects, I might add. The problem with prescribing antidepressants for the anxious is that they are often too anxious to take them for fear of side-effects. But it's been almost six years, and not a single side-effect.)

Good luck. Hope you feel better soon. Keep writing!