And Nothing To Dread

I tried to get an appointment to See Someone using the online scheduler but my request to see [ANY PROVIDER] at [ANY] time between [August 30th] and [FOREVER] was met with a regretful "We are unable to process your request for an appointment. Please expand your request and try again." I was tempted to take this as a sign that I should just forget the whole thing but I persevered, largely because somewhere in the middle of the comments (with notable and gratefully acknowledged nudging from Jan and Katerina) I realized that: 

1. I have suffered from anxiety my entire life (see: Preschool, The Dropout Year; Kindergarten, Where Older Brothers Come To Eat Lunch; Grades 1-10, A Guide to Truancy, From Faking Sick to Faking Signatures; and, finally, Everything After: Is That a Drink in Your Hand or Are You Just Terrified to See Me)

2. I need to do something about it, because

3. it isn't normal to worry so much and

4. I don't want to do it anymore

So I mastered my fears

[Actual fear with which I grappled: I will see a mental health specialist and this will become part of my permanent health record and we will lose our health insurance due to some unspecified financial catastrophe and when I try to get new health insurance I will be rejected because of the behavioral file and two weeks later I will be diagnosed with a survivable form of cancer but we will be unable to pay for treatment and I will die a slow death and then Steve will be left widowed at that dangerous midlife crisis age which will cause him to remarry a voluptuous but completely unsuitable younger woman who will cause my children life-long harm through her selfishness and lack of compassion]

and scheduled an appointment for mid-September.

I am still in a funk, which I think is only tangentially related to the anxiety and more directly connected to the fact that Caroline no longer needs a nap but if you try to put her in her room for quiet time she will instantly fall asleep on the floor. There is apparently no amount of sleep too small that it does not reset her clock so once she is out for five seconds she is then completely wired for another twelve hours. So I have had her with me every fraction of every moment of every day for weeks and I am getting nothing accomplished. Nothing. Clutter always makes me feel like my life is out of control and as I have frequently observed: happiness is setting obtainable goals and reaching them. For me unhappiness is setting obtainable goals and watching them turn grey and floppy while I fish my arm down the heating duct pipe trying to get back a puzzle piece and as I do so someone who shall remain nameless pees on the rug six feet away.

Someone in the comments suggested that perhaps my malaise might be related to worry over what I am going to do with myself now that all three children will be out of the house two mornings a week and I admit that I barked when I read it. Ha HA! I am so oversaturated with children (and love. loving children) that fifty hours a day to myself for the next fifty years will barely scratch the surface of what I want to get done without having one eye peeled for a naked, marker-wielding, wall-climbing Spidergirl and without the eternal presence of her sidekick, the calf-gripping Mamasboy. I have a book I want to write. I have articles I want to pitch. I have a deconstructed eggs benedict recipe I want to try, a basement to FlyLady*, a Lego Robotics team I want to coach, a sewing machine owners manual to translate, a husband with whom I would like to take bridge lessons. Caroline and Edward are wonderful beyond words and loved beyond all measure but it's time for them to have a little break from me and vice versa. Actually you know what? It IS about the anxiety because do you know what I just imagined as I wrote that last sentence? I imagined the relief I will feel when I have several hours twice a week during which time I won't be listening for a crash, a scream, and the crescendo'ing MOOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE that indicates something terrible has happened.

Anxiety and an introvert's nightmare (I once read that an extrovert is someone who gets their energy from social interaction and an introvert is someone who can only restore theirs when they are alone. This made sense to me and I wondered if "alone" can include people you adore and I have recently concluded that it can not. "Alone" means "alone" and yes, Patrick, shouting the details of your plans for a tri-level cat condo at me through the bathroom door does count as "bothering your mother while she is taking a bath") my recipe for a full-blown funk. 

Sorry, I shouldn't complain, and thank you. You're nice to listen.

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If you had asked me two days ago how the Ffarm was I would have said that I didn't want to talk about it. If you had asked me again I would have said I really didn't want to talk about it and then before you could change the subject I would have harangued you for an hour with my peevish descriptions of the heat and the humidity and the mosquitoes and the odd smell in the barns (not so odd, actually - the previous owner at one point raised over 400 sheep) and the fetid, partially drained koi pond with the tippy surrounding stones with which Edward was fucking obsessed and the helpful dogs who would open the screen door for Edward so that he could run back to the koi pond no matter how many times I tried to incarcerate him. And I would have mentioned the fact that Steve had sworn on his Cabelas Master Catalog that he would watch the children while we were there but I was unable to remind him of this promise as he essentially disappeared the moment we arrived.

Since then I have lost patience with my own crabbiness and - although all of these things were true and irritated the hell out of me at the time - I have decided to make a pointed effort to be sunnier.

The farm is really very pretty

I don't think I am ever going to be as hopelessly in love with the place** as Steve and his friend are but I can imagine developing a fondness for it. There is one room in particular that I already love; it has the most beautiful light all day long and while I was watching Caroline and Edward putter around rather than nap I sat in a puddle of it and read the entire Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, which you had recommended. I enjoyed it tremendously. The book, I mean, but also the light. And the room.

Speaking of books and book recommendations and... ah... jewelry it seems like the summer advertising doldrums might be over and I have some ads up again.

My beloved Clarity (blog reader, jewelry designer, wearer of hats, buyer of ads) has purchased space on my sidebar and she makes lovely things (back to school treat! pre-Halloween present to yourself) that she sells at reasonable prices and you can see them all if you click right here.

The Well-Read Wife reviews books here. 

And the Sierra Club is encouraging people to get involved with community service projects to honor 9/11 with more information available here.

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If you know how to put a banner ad into Typepad email me please.

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When my mother was here she observed that Edward is the only one of our three children who plays with toys in their intended fashion. His toy cars drive. His toy planes fly. When he looks through a book he starts at the beginning and flips through the pages one at a time and right side up. When he wasn't throwing rocks into the koi pond he sat in the driveway with his steamroller and his bulldozers and he did road work.

I like his straightforwardness.

Caroline is the opposite of straightforward. What would that be? Twisty? Every time she latches onto to me with one of her pellucid stares I always know she is up to something.

Why does Patrick always try to look like Oliver Twist on a bad day when I take his picture? Contrary to what he might have you believe with his woeful expression he was having a great time when I took this picture. He and the other kids disappeared when we got there and would only show up again for meals and anti-itch cream. Mosquitoes, holy cats, the mosquitoes.

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*I signed up for Fly Lady emails a couple of months ago and I tried, I really tried to like them. I love some of the ideas; like setting a timer and tackling big projects in small stages and doing a load of laundry every day and staying on top of clutter-prone zones. I am skeptical about others: if I only vaccum or mop the center of a room what the fuck is supposed to happen to the giant cat hair berms that would then form on the periphery? But my major problem was that I was receiving 'testimonial' emails at a rate of about one every fifteen minutes and 98% of them made me want to claw out my eyes.

So either there is already a slightly less sticky alternative that you can share with me or I am going to start one. Whaddya say?! Who wants to spend the next month cleaning out their bedroom closet with me?

Eh? Anyone? I'll get the giant leaf bags.

Oh you know what I did start doing that was kinda quasi-Fly Lady and very useful? At the end of the day I carry one of the giant LL Bean tote bags around the first floor and I throw everything into that is in the wrong room and then I go around again and unload it in the right rooms. Is it helping? Well not much (see: enormous funk) but it is certainly better than my old technique which was to move each item individually.

** I think everyone has a visceral response to certain regions and I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with where you grew up, either. Personally I am happiest when it is cool, raining and bright green and a little gray. I also like Maine and the Maritimes - that area. You know that fantasy you have (well I have but it is possible I am depressed) about where you would go if you had all of the money in the world and no one needing you elsewhere? I always picture something in a cottage - but modern with good windows and an excellent kitchen - on one of the northern coasts. Midwestern agriculture, in contrast, does little for me and mountains almost nothing at all. Meanwhile, nothing sets Steve's heart racing faster than a well-tended mostly flat field and he looooves Colorado. I sometimes wonder if we will retire to separate latitudes and meet for naughty weekends that will scandalize the children.

You? Where do you see yourself?  

Comments

[QoB]

New Zealand. The lakes and the fjords. Or whatever they are. And lots of green. And skydiving.

I live in Ireland anyway, so I am fond of green and water and mountains.

[Laura]

I am so glad you liked Guernsey. The main character (was it Juliet? I was in infancy hell when I read it) always reminded me of you. Or what I think you'd be like.

Also, I would clean our your bedroom closet if I was near by. I love that type of thing. I just helped a friend clean out her spare bedroom closet yesterday, and I had a blast.

[Liz]

Kahlil Gibran said it best: Let there be spaces in your togetherness. Preschool countdown over here is 9 days.

I'd love to spend winters on Cape Hatteras in North Carolina, provided Target was willing to provide free overnight delivery.

[KK]

i love your posts. i actually can't remember if i commented on the last post or not, but here goes: i'm in a little bit of a funk myself (see: starting med school) and it basically has to do with somehow becoming very out of sync with one of my best friends in what is already a very stressful time. the combo is very bad. i'm not entirely sure where she and i are headed, which saddens me b/c i really do love her dearly, but something has clearly shifted in an odd direction. cue: long-lasting weird depressive funk, in which i managed to make things even worse by venting my frustration out on her while under, ahem, other influences. oops. dastardly friday nights and their associated nightlife activities. anyway, my point is that funks happen, and they do get better.... meeting/socializing with new people has already pulled me out of it a little bit, and i feel like i can start to work things out with her a bit too. it'll only take a little time before you figure out what will help you, and then things will start to look rosy once more.

also, your children are absolutely adorable.

[Jacqui]

I live in New Zealand but I can see myself living very happily in Sweden. Why that is I don't know, but the country just speaks to my soul in some indefinable way. Of course I don't understand most of it because it's in Swedish.

[Lylah]

At the beach. Pretty much any beach, as long as there are sandy streches and separate rocks for climbing. The opposite of relaxing, for me: Any amusement park. Especially ones with themes. Unfortunately, my kids find amusement parks amusing.

[AR]

I'm sure plenty of people have said things about anxiety and mental health professionals, and I'm late for the party, but fwiw...

I didn't realize how abnormal my anxiety was until I told someone about it (I mean, really told) and they kind of gasped. I slowly began to realize that living under a cloud of uneasiness was a) not normal b) felt bad and c) could be helped.

I'm finally getting some help, and it's so so so changed my life. Changed. My. Life. My best to you--I hope the help in mid-September is what you need. Good luck.

[Anon for this]

I'm glad you persevered and got an appointment. That introvert thing - the definition you have is the one I know. I am an introvert with an extroverted husband (off the charts) and an extraverted oldest child and I will testify with you - alone with the ones you love does NOT count.

I've been managing my depression with meds for about a year now, but lately I think what I'm feeling is anxiety and I'm not sure what to do about it. I realized today that I've had nervous tummy for a few days now.

[Kristin]

Do you know why I love reading your posts? I love the eloquence of your writing and the wonderful turns of phrase you use. How many places can I go and read a post about kids and the insanity of them and run across the phrase "one of her pellucid stares"? Absolutely brilliant!

As for where I see myself...I love where I live and would be perfectly content to have my permanent home be here. I would just like to travel a lot.

[Kate]

I agree about the Flylady emails. I really wanted to like it, but I didn't need to sort through all those emails every day to find the ones that actually had helpful information. I'd love to hear if you find something else that works.

[Scissorbill]

1. Read Switch by Chip Heath and Dan Heath.

2. Basement: 15 minutes a day with a timer. Go!

[Camilla]

I am feeling the "introvert with children all over me" problem, and am promising myself that if I still feel like this when my youngest is five, I will hire a live in summer nanny and go hike the Appalachian trail, all by my lonesome.

[rupiedupie]

Pacific north west girl born and raised.
Favorite weather climate, skies in a thousand shades of gray.
Fog? ~even better.
No humidity to write about.
Mild winters.
Almost always a breeze with the fresh ocean scent.
LOVE IT.
Sometimes I wonder if S.A.D.(seasonal affective disorder) affects me oppositely compared to others. It's the blazing sun and heat that bring me down.

My youngest starts full day school in 6 days, 12 hours, 14 minutes and yes, 32 seconds.
12 years of SAHM-ing and YES, HELLS YES, scheduled hours away from each other is good...really good.

Best wishes on an adventurous fall Missy.

[VHMPrincess]

flylady - use gmail and USE THE FILTERS. I only see her daily jobs, not all the testimonial B.S.

Sorry you are in a funk, I am too. Am hoping 2 days in the bahamas cures it as HUBBY LEAVES WEDNESDAY FOR 75 DAYS (WHICH HE FOUND OUT ABOUT TODAY) -DEPLOYMENT (otherwise known as "his bosses DON'T CARE WHAT NEW HELLS THEY BESTOW UPON THE WIVES") (ALSO, THIS COVERS THANKSGIVING. fRICK.).

[Vanessa at He Gives Hope]

i like 'the house that cleans itself' approach. (sounds appealing, no?) i am not a naturally tidy person and the concept fits me well. fly lady was waaaay too uptight for me. seriously? get dressed to my shoes first thing every morning? not happening here.

also: i use little laundry baskets instead of a tote bag. round. smallest you can get at The Wal Marts. one basket for each kids room and one basket for anything else that doesn't belong in the living room.

oh, and THTCI is here. http://www.mindystarnsclark.com/house.php

[Natalie]

Julia my friend, this funk you're in sounds exactly like something I went through. (Also, I too imagine worst case scenarios - my family has died a thousand vivid, gruesome deaths in my mind, often because I forgot to turn off the lights in the guest room, or wash the potato peeler, or something.) In addition to Seeing Someone, do you know what might help? Two afternoons of babysitting a week, and more sleep. Seriously, I'm like a different person.

[Mary]

I live near Seattle and I love it here. I see myself retired spending summers here, winters somewhere warm and temperate like Hawaii, with frequent trips to Europe. My husband wants to buy an RV and drive around the country. I told him he can do that and periodically let me know where he is, I will fly in and we can spend a fun week together. Ugh.

Good luck with the anxiety. As the mother of older children (20, 17 and 13) I kind of think the children cause the anxiety. And mine hasn't gotten better as they've gotten older. I love them, so much, but so many more things to worry about!

[Alexicographer]

I had nothing to add to the comments on the last post but am glad you are following the advice of those who posted there and hope (and expect) it will work.

I too know the same introvert/extrovert definition and: oh yes. I don't know if you saw the film "Knocked Up," but the scene where the (not-main-couple-character) husband and dad has fled to Las Vegas and is lying in a couch in a fetal position and asking why it drives him so crazy that his wife wants to spend time with him ... is me. I have a hubby and a son who both want to do things like talk to me and spend time with me and Oh.My.God. Becoming a mom has made me realize I need ~4 hours each day when I am awake but not working (either on our home/life or for pay) and not interacting with other actual humans (including through the bathroom door, though interesting over the internet is fine). Yeah, guess how often THAT happens. So, um, I feel your pain?

Flylady: yes. Ditto on the dressed to your shoes thing ... Flylady wants me to have a polished sink, I want to have a sink that I am never tempted or expected to polish because it is unpolishable (and I do!). But I do like the LL Bean idea, thanks!

Oh, but if you decide to do a modified Flylady, I'd love to try it.

[lb]

I like it flat, open, and dry. I like warm days with cool nights. I like to be able to see the weather coming. Now I grew up in the Canadian prairies, and nice as it is there in the summer, the winters suck harder than it's really possible to describe. So I'm not sure where I'd like to end up. I think maybe Arizona is something like what I am describing? So maybe there.

I'm always so happy to see a post from you.

[Toni]

In a funk myself. Perhaps it's the time of year? (Girlfriend of mine swears that she has PMS the entire month of August - September hits and she's awesome again for 11 months). Mine is a combination of being the primary medical person for my grandfather's pancreatic cancer, requiring me to attend every doctors appointment (which there are several a week) - along with a new job - keeping the old job. Oh yeah - family stuff too.

3 kids doesn't help - it's much harder with three than with 2.

Anyways, I'm up for cleaning too. I'd suggest just reading through FlyLady and using what she suggests. And planning your week. I like to clean a room a day - with laundry daily and beds changed on Wednesdays, etc. But that's just me.

I can NOT wait for your book. Will buy multiple copies and invite you to our book club. We'll have wine and food. Promise!

[Karen O]

Better living through chemistry; like a reader in your previous post, I'm on Lexapro and LOVE it.

My doctor (internist) and I agreed that I'm not depressed and that anxiety is my problem. I didn't need to see "someone special" and after being on anxiety meeds for about six years, I still don't feel the need to seek counseling.

In my case, my anxiety issues came right down the pipes from my very anxious parents. I made myself crazy worrying until I finally made the appointment and asked for drugs. Best thing I ever did for myself.

If you go the drug route, do know that many of them take as long as six weeks to kick in and aren't fully affective for as long as ten weeks. For me it's been absolutely worth it. My very best wishes to you as you work through this.

[Rachel]

One of the funkier artist community islands in Puget Sound. Flagstaff, AZ in the non-icy months.

As long as Caroline is with you every waking moment, why not get her to tidy for you? She's old enough, probably, to get hot/cold where instead of finding something she has to find where it belongs. Or backwards shopping if you want to get her a little shopping trolley, have her load it up and you can put away together. Put-away races are good too once you can trust her out of sight for the few seconds it takes to run something to where it goes and come back.

[erin]

I share your affinity for the "cool, rainy, bright green and a little gray." I tend to develop crushes on locations where I think I'd like to live - my most recent crush is Astoria, Oregon (or really, any picturesque town on the Oregon coast), but my longstanding geographical crushes include Cape Cod, the Seattle area, San Francisco, Charlottesville, VA (LOVE it there despite the humidity, large bugs, and lack of cool ocean breezes), Galway Ireland, and coastal NH, CT, and Maine. New England comes with snow though, so I'm a bit fickle on those locales.

[bethany actually]

"Personally I am happiest when it is cool, raining and bright green and a little gray."

Yes. Yes! I could have written that sentence! I probably have written it before, and have uttered it hundreds of times to bemused listeners who don't understand my lack of delight in sunshine and hot weather. I think I would be quite happy in the Pacific Northwest. I do like the Midwest, having grown up there, but I once scandalized my native-Californian mother by saying that the mountains only got in the way of the view.

[Susan]

I'd like to live somewhere with fewer bugs. Summer in Virginia is full of insects flying into my face and making me shriek.

It's wonderful having children, but I miss my alone time, too. Going to work in an office is like a mini-vacation every day, although I miss my little Pookie and am glad to see her when I pick her up.

I hope your appointment is with a kindred spirit and he/she gives you lots of what you need.

[Alexis M]

The shore. I live an hour away from the Jersey Shore and can't get there enough. I wouldn't mind Hatteras and the Outer Banks. My other option, weird as it sounds, is Iowa. I recently went there for a mission trip and I love how rural it is and how huge the sky is. Absolutely beautiful!
Hmm. Maybe I should go for the Outer Banks.

[jen]

I am so glad you kept after getting an appointment. Sometimes just talking helps so. very. much. I get these periods of time when I get all hand wringing, twitchy, generally feeling like something is Not Right and normally it is when I am not running enough. Because running is something I do just for me and no one is with me (introvert here too) and I can recharge.

I cannot even pretend to know what to do about cleaning. I just have to get in the right mood and power through it. I try to remember to do as much as possible but I have an all or nothing attitude toward cleaning. So we pretty much have dog hair tumbleweeds most of the time, which my 2 year old then goes and gets the swiffer out and says "sweep hair up?" Gah, he's going to make an awesome husband someday.

[Angela]

I couldn't stand the FlyLady emails either and I switched to looking at the "Sneak Peak for the Week" page to get my marching orders for the day: http://flylady.net/pages/sneak_peek.asp

I also "liked" the FlyLady page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheFlyLady?ref=ts
Quite a few posts come through a day but I find them much less annoying than the emails because I can just scroll right on by if a particular post does not interest me.

I came across FlyLady's "Sink Reflections" book at the thrift store and it was worth the money I paid for it. It's all the same thing that's available on the FlyLady.net site but in an easy-to-read-in-the-bath format :)

I am glad you liked "Guernsey"!

[Alexis M]

I almost forgot. By Jersey Shore, I meant Long Beach Island - NOT Seaside Heights. All the NYC idiots go there (SH) and I am nowhere near them (thank goodness).

[Christine]

I notice that not one of the previous comments mentioned living in a desert. You are all very wise. I see myself...not in a stupid, hot, miserable, brown desert. I don't care how nice February is here, I can live somewhere normal and wear sweaters.

In case you can't tell, this is the time of year I start crying jags about how it will never cool down and I will be a sweaty mess for eternity.

[Sam]

I am very much a girl who loves my Mississippi landscape...not the Delta, which is dang ugly, really, no offense to anyone who is from the Delta...but the countryside is always so lush and green. I love pastures fringed with trees and the hills...but I am also very much in love with the desert. When I first visited the Southwest I thought I'd found my soul's home...it was crazy. I think it's just so spare and different from what I'm used to. It's like the flipside of what I love, and yet I love it, too.

As for anxiety...I recently had a major aha moment. My life now is very calm, really (even though I have a 3 year old) and so different to my ultra busy, packed schedule before I became a mom. It's been a revelation to me...I think I'm going to end up doing the whole Slow Parenting style, because it's just lovely, really, to be free from a thousand commitments. I realized I used to live in a near constant state of anxiety and stress. I had no idea. I would have never said I was suffering from anxiety, but now when I get waves of anxiety, I realize: I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME.

I imagine you are going to feel WORLDS better when you get a little space from the twinkles. That's not to say you don't need to see a doctor or therapist, but having some time to yourself is really, really important.

[caro]

I used the gmail filters when I tried Flylady, and that got rid of the awful testimonials, etc. But I need a less ambitious version. Like, a 15-minute goal per day rather than a full-on behavioral modification program complete with encouragement to self-love AND wipe off the top of the washing machine every two weeks.

[tgsdmom]

An old acquaintance whose house was even messier than mine once said that "the house is there to serve her and not the other way 'round". I always felt very comfortable at her house.

Hearsay trivia: Similar chemical solutions work for depression, anxiety and OCD. Best of luck with feeling better whether you go for it or not.

[Lisa]

What Jacqui said but Scotland is the place for me. It just speaks to me somehow.

[GingerB]

I went on antidepressants approaching a year ago - my infant was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, I work full time, and I couldn't keep my shit together at all. I hate to cry that much, it gives me uncurable headaches and then I'm just not me. I switched to a different antidepressant when I stopped nursing/pumping altogether and it is a better fit for me, but now I wonder if I need something different. I finally got an MRI of my my baby's brain, found out she had an actual stroke, and I am now obessively thinking all the time "wow, watch as she learns that new thing. STROKE!! But look at her walking, running, using to learn her hand, MY BABY HAD A STROKE and on and on in a cycle. I feel like I might be getting a taste of the manic depressive lifestyle as my mind cycles wildly with "my life is better now than it's ever been" and my BABY HAD A STROKE. Let's just say I am fond of Xanax.

I am anxious (!) to hear how the sessions go for you. I've never done therapy because I know if I talk about what is on my mind I will cry for an hour and get a whanging headache and I just can't see how it will help me. If you get benefits from this, it will help me reconsider my position, maybe.

Most of all, take care of yourself, and be alone sometimes.

And by the way, you can't post enough pictures of Caroline to suit my tastes. She is fabulous.

Beach with waves, beach with waves, beach with waves.

[Steph]

Funk, yes having children and the never ending "mommy" "mommy" all day long . . that will do it.
School starts the day after labor day . . and I can hardly wait.

If money were no object and I could be anywhere . . it would be a place that I could see and hear the ocean. (I prefer warm, but would take whatever part of the ocean I could.)

[RocketGrl]

Loud upbeat music is a must for housecleaning over here. It also helps subdue the blues for an hour of two. I am a firm believer in "better living through chemistry". I did talk therapy for an extended period (big stuff to sort thru) and now can thrive on my own with the meds supplying a solid baseline. (They are my brain's 'insulin'.)

Meds that are right for you will allow you to feel "normal", but not anxious. There will still good and bad days. But if they make you feel all different, or the side effects are troublesome, chat with your doc and try a different one. I stayed on one with terrible side effects for years not knowing this. You will know when you've found the right ones.

Your definition of an introvert rings true over here. I'm an introvert with an extrovert's job. I come home at the end of the day and just want an hour of silent alone-time and maybe a book. Nothing else.

"Steve had sworn on his Cabelas Master Catalog" You killed me with that one. What is it with that Catalog? DH goes ape for it.

I dream os Spring or Fall in the rolling tree-strewn hills on a warm sunny late morning lazing by a nice small stream. There are mountains in the background with the smell of the tall pines in the air. Lots of two-lane curvy roads for driving. Of course, in my dream, I do not have allergies.

[JennG]

I'm up at 4:30 with anxiety that I have come to see as normal and this post and your last really have me thinking...thank you. As always.

[Nicky]

"I won't be listening for a crash, a scream, and the crescendo'ing MOOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE that indicates something terrible has happened"

This is sooooooooooo me. Except I still get anxious when my son is at the daymom's.Some days I have to force myself not to call there , to see if he's okay.

The anxiety is ridiculous, it's starting to take over my life, and yesterday I decided I had enough. I contacted a friend who is a councillor, and asked discussed it with her. She agrees that I must see someone, and promises that I will feel much better for it. I hope so.

Let me know if how your therapy goes!

About the Fly lady thing- I know nothing of it, but from your comments, I'm guessing it's about how to stay ontop of the household stuff? If so, I'd love it if you started your own version of it! I work full time, study part time, and live in a SHOWHOUSE!

[JenM]

I also tried to love Flylady but just couldn't. I much prefer Motivated Moms (www.motivatedmoms.com) where you are given a check-list for every day of the year and you only have to worry about what's on that list. If you do the list every day, by the end of the year everything will be done, even those odd little jobs that are put off and put off for more pressing things until one day you are appalled at your own filth or the furnace blows up because you haven't changed the filter.

[k]

Hi Julia, I have a weird book recommendation, that i think you will like, the shaking woman by Siri Hustvedt. It's not about you or the malaise or anything, it is just that her voice reminds me of you. The mix of diary and research. Less funny than you, for sure, but still... <3 k

[Kateisfun]

Is this the cottage of your dreams, or just of mine? http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/loris-skillet-smashed-potatoes-recipe.html Sorry you're in a funk... it happens!

[Greengage]

"I am happiest when it is cool, raining and bright green and a little gray."

You must visit Wales one day. It is sublime.

http://www.natures-desktop-hd.com/wallpaper-previews/beach/three-cliffs-bay2.jpg

http://www.nationaltrail.co.uk/images/gallery/S119-886-A6_pembroke_g.jpg

Sorry to hear things are a bit funk-y. I think the changing of the seasons can provoke such feelings. Like so many other commentators, I can't wait for your book.

[Claudia]

Anywhere where I'm not surrounded by small, annoying children all day...

Hey, you know what? You seem to curse a lot more when you're in a funk. Odd me - I like it! Not that you're in a funk of course, but I do enjoy hearing about some of the things that frustrate you, as I suffer from many of the same woes. Misery loves company and all.

Feel happier soon. And then let us know the secret!

[claire]

Green on the ground, grey in the sky with chances of sunbreaks. Yes.. that means New zealand, Oregon, and most of the Pacific Coast.... mmm

I now live in the sunny mediterrean and it is just too bright. Everyone loving the sun sun sun -- and I feel that I have sun overdose. Its just like too much sugar for me:)

I like my weather immersive -- wind and rain -- that fully embrace you and make you think of how to live with it. With weather changing several times a day!

The cold is okay for short adventuresome periods, but 6 months of chicago winters were not my favorite. Complete joy for the first 2 days of each snow fall, then forget about it:)

I also grew up near vocanos and the Pacific. Anything to flat messes with my brain, and my husband and I have decided not to look for degrees/jobs in flat places. I just go mad! I need hills and a horizon that peaks around buildings.

[Candy]

Your take on FlyLady is spot on. I have started, cancelled and restarted the subscription to those emails more times than I can count, and I am always frustrated by her demand that for an entire week I do nothing but scrub my sink. Because, meanwhile, there is an unidentifiable mound of compost piling up in my living room. And the testimonials...la! If I ever wax that poetic about my clean house, someone shoot me.

[Katelyn]

"Personally I am happiest when it is cool, raining and bright green and a little gray."

Oh yes, yes, yes. I don't dislike where I grew up in SouthEast Texas a la the Piney Woods, but my heart longs for some place like the Scottish Highlands or at least how I imagine the Scottish Highlands from the pictures I've seen. I am currently in SouthWest Texas and greatly dislike it - brown ugly scrub brush for as far as I can see. Please Uncle Sam send us somewhere else (hubby is military.)

Ditto on the introvert description. It used to baffle an old college roommate that I actually liked spending time alone. And it baffled me how she could stand to be around people ALL the time.

My little one is only six weeks old so when he sleeps all snuggly on me it still counts as alone time - not so much when he's screaming for food :)

[Jo in Boston]

I just celebrated my 50th birthday and my husband and son gave me the gift of going away and letting me have two days alone. Apparently I'm an introvert.

My place? I live on the north coast of Massachusetts and it's perfect--fog, ocean, not too hot in the summer (usually, though this summer was dreadful), beautiful autumn and snow. The only thing better would be farther north--Maine coast or the Maritimes.

[Juno]

I love cool, gray weather, wind, and green hills and gray stone walls. Preferably with mountains and/or sea in the (reasonable reachable) distance. So I dream about a stone shepard's cottage on the side of a lower alp (mmm, chocolate, and cheese), or something in northern england (mmm, tea and cheese). With built-in book shelves. And silence. Family and friends can stay in the village down the way - a minimum two hour walk away.

[HereWeGoAJen]

You can sign up for Flylady in some manner that gets you only one big long email each day. The digest perhaps? I don't know, I signed up three years ago and haven't even read them email for the last two. I'm not really their target audience, I'm pretty naturally organized and some of their systems would screw up what actually already works here. But I do know that it is possible just to get the one email.

I like your idea about retiring. But I also don't really like winter, so I'd have to winter somewhere else. Maybe the south of France.