Eos

Caroline and Edward missed school on Tuesday due to gunky colds. I always loathed when toddler Patrick was sick because I could never figure out what to do with him all day but the twinkles were perfectly content to lie on the couch and watch stuff. Apart from the fact that they were cluttering up my alloted kid-free time - and they were both in moods as fragile as spun glass - it was sort of pleasant. Caroline has alternate titles for most shows, my two favorites being when she asks "Can I watch the Cat, the Mouse and the Hammer?" (aka Tom & Jerry) or suggests a viewing of "The Princess and the Beef" (Tale as old as time... .)

Caroline felt crummy enough that she fell asleep in her own bed two nights in a row. It is a nice feeling to open her door at night and see her lying peacefully in more or less the same place that I left her. Yesterday she felt better and celebrated by alarming me with her matter of fact assumptions about her own capabilities, like when she looked thoughtful and suggested that she could drive rather than me or when she said she wanted to try out "the big knife" I was using to cut cantelope. Later she lay on my bed gazing out the window and said dreamily, "I want to fly."

I said, "NO FLYING CAROLINE" very firmly.

She said nothing for a moment and then said, "I want to fly like a bird and climb like a chipmunk." 

Edward said, "No Tayayine! NO FY-ING!"

Caroline sighed and said, "Ok ok OHHHHKAAAAAAY."

We left it at that.

Thank you very much for pointing out that her eye looked weird in those last pictures. I hadn't noticed but as soon as you mentioned it I realized that you were right. Looking back over photos from the past few months I can see her right eye gradually sliding toward her nose so I took her into her pediatrician who is sending her onto a pediatric opthamologist. We'll see what the eye doctor says this afternoon.

So last week I saw Someone and she was not the right someone for me. I did think briefly about the advice I had gotten here to give it three sessions but... no. Not right for me. I left her office and felt totally horrible, not because she was rotten or anything; it was just that I could not imagine randomly scheduling appointments with people over and over again until we clicked. It would be like going on a neverending series of blind dates arranged by whatever system matches college roommates. And meanwhile I had gotten all excited about finally living without all this worry. 

I asked Steve if he thought I should go see my primary and ask if he had any ideas. Steve said yes. Then - because historically my primary care doctor and I have not communicated very well - I asked Steve what I should say. Steve, who speaks psychobabble fluently (one might almost say it is his first language) launched into an ex tempore explanation that was so lucid and perfect I asked if he would just come with me and say it again. He said sure. So last week I went to see my primary and Steve came along as my translator and I left feeling much much better with a referral to a different Someone who does more cognitive behavioral stuff (the first Someone advised yoga and teetotalism - both admirable, sure, but not exactly what I was hoping for right now) and a prescription for the newest generation of Paxil.

It's only been a week but so far the effects have been... funny? Apart from feeling sleepier I noticed that I am also a little more chipper. A little sunnier. A bit of the ol' joie de vivre is creeping back into the day. I started putting on lipstick and mascara again - just because - and yesterday I looked at my jeans, long sleeved Target t-shirt and slumpy grey cardigan of unknown origin and decided on a thirty second make-over. I took off my jungle mocs and put on clunky high heels and I wrapped the sweater into what I thought was an interesting silhouette and then I put a belt over it. I pulled my hair into a chignon and smoothed the frizzy bits down with hair paste. I added a darker lipstick and thought I looked pretty good. I drove to school.

Patrick said, "Your hips are down here and your waist is up here and the belt... did you MEAN to do this?"

Tim Gunn, junior cat edition.

I'm supposed to go back to my primary in a month and check in on how the Paxil is treating me. At that time if I feel exactly like I do right now I would say it isn't touching the anxiety but it might have managed to unearth some previously unsuspected depression and is beating the tar out of it. So that's ok and I'm going to give it more time. I suppose there are other anti-anxiety medications if this one doesn't work for me?

I have to pick Caroline up early from preschool for her eye appointment and I wanted to get some stuff done around the house without my belovable leg shackles so this is going to be brief today but I had two very hypothetical questions for you:

Very Hypothetical Question #1

Suppose your (male) child was in an elementary school class close to the beginning of the school year and the teacher has behaved in a manner that indicates that she might have a problem with boys. Examples of this would include having all of the boys in the class do worksheets (as a punishment for "misbehaving") while the girls were allowed to play a game - twice - or sending home notes to the parents saying that "the boys" had broken the pencil sharpener (what is this? Death on the Nile? How do over a dozen boys collectively break anything?) or the fact that she has placed many boys at desks of their own facing the wall while the rest of the class is grouped into tables. Now suppose that your own Damien has been more or less unaffected with the exception of the mass male punishments but the very idea of singling out any group (black Catholic foreign-born penised) to be punished jointly for the transgressions of a few makes your cuticles ache. Do you... what do you do? Wait it out?

Very Hypothetical Question #2       

In the most general of ways: how much is one obligated to socialize with people one's spouse considers to be important business contacts? It seems so odd to create faux frienships with Mr and Mrs Spacely Sprocket but what do I know; I live in a hollow tree  - do you ever see your significant's boss/clients/whoever socially regardless of personal inclination? Sincere question.

Actually they both are. Also how do you keep an eye patch (maybe. but probably) on a girl who cannot keep her pants on?

PS DAMN IT. Murder on the Orient Express, of course.

Comments

[Kristi]

Just a note that I have been in a funk and I started running in the morning and I highly recommend it. Getting exercise has REALLY helped my mood.

1) I would ask other parents what they think and then send an email to the administrator.

2) It is the norm. I mean, a dinner date every 3 months isn't out of the question. If more, it really depends on how critical they are to the health and wealth of the business.

[Sharon]

Hi Julia! I was one of the eye-observer comments. Eye-crossing doesn't automatically mean you'll need to patch Caroline's eye. My daughter's eye was crossing to overcompensate for being very, very farsighted. So, she got glasses at about 15 mos (THAT was fun). The reason she eventually needed a patch (and just for a couple of hours a day) was because one of her eyes was much more farsighted than the other and they like the eyes to be at about the same prescription. All of this is to say... don't worry about it yet. See what the ophthalmologist says. They have a couple different types of patches - the sticky type and the type that slip over glasses. They even have a drop to make the eye blurry that *some* doctors will use in extreme situations (but mine didn't like to b/c of the risk of it getting in the other eye and the kid not being able to see a thing out of EITHER eye).

Let us know what happens. And as brilliant and funny as Patrick is, I wouldn't trust his fashion sense. I'm sure you looked great. And its good you are feeling a little better.

[MomQueenBee]

#2 I am so very sorry, because I hate this with the passion of a thousand demons, but Kristi is right. It is the norm. Friendship is not expected, or even a very good idea since the important business may cease to be and then you're left with baggage, but you do have to socialize. And for the eye patch: Duct tape. An entire roll of it.

[lb]

When my daughter had a patch, I made it acceptable by adorning it with various sparkles, stickers, and hand-drawn illustrations of whatever she wanted. She viewed it as a fashion accessory. Also, I went hard core with it. Even though we could have done 4 or 6 or whatever it was hours per day, I just stuck it on in the morning and took it off at night. That way there was no forgetting it, taking it off too early, arguing about when it was supposed to come off etc. It was just on. all. day. Her eye reacted extremely quickly, thanks to this, and the whole thing was over in a couple of months, I think it was. And now she can see! And seeing is good!

[Amy]

There are lots of anti-anxiety medications that can treat both the anxiety and the depression and I really would recommend trying to find the right one. I'm waiting for a prescription for my third try (Wellbutrin). My first apparently managed my symptoms of depression (Zoloft), and my current one (Lexapro) doesn't seem to be managing anything. The right person is also so important. Because in addition to taking a medication to help control anxiety, learning how to manage the behaviors is equally important. I wish you only the best.

Hypothetical #1 - I'd wait it out until the parent/teacher conferences and bring it up then if it still bothers you.

Hypothetical #2 - I've never socialized with any of my spouse's work associates, with the exception of the company holiday parties. I would be uncomfortable and awkward if required to do so.

As for the eye patch, that's a hard one. You could attempt to have her pretend she's a pirate. Also, you could use bobby pins or barrettes to pin it in place.

Hope that helps.

[Olya]

Glad Paxil is helping a little, and good luck with the hopefully-better-fit-for-your-personality Someone!

As for the hypothetical questions,

(1) I would talk to administrators and the parents of other boys. We had a somewhat similar issue at our (otherwise wonderful) daycare a few years ago, and eventually something was done to fix the situation

(2) I try to show up for events at my husband's work, even though I always feel awkward and out-of-place. I think dinner once every other month, and perhaps some kind of outing a few times a year, should cover your social obligations for important clients (but since that is not a situation I have ever been in, this is purely hypothetical ;).

[Val]

Well - question #1 - if it were my son I would speak with the teacher, and if it continued I would speak with the principal. And if it continued after that, I would bear down on the principal until my son was moved to a different classroom/teacher. [Assuming that was an option.]

#2 - Well, I do go to my husband's work related functions with him, but we don't attend too many of them. Maybe 4 / year? And we don't go out with just a few of them, it's always a holiday party, or a summer bbq or a union dinner or something. If I had to, I suppose I would go out to dinner occasionally, but I wouldn't make it a habit - I'd be too annoyed and eventually that would show to our "guests".

#3 - No idea. Let her decorate it with some sparklies or "stones" and get her to accessorize?

[Steph]

Eye Patches . . some very cool ones online that might make it more fun to wear. Or make it into the pirate game?

If the eye thing turns out to be amblyopia it is much better to get it worked out now . . my daughter's friend is dealing with this at age 9 and it is a big mess. Kudos to you for taking care of it.

Could a parent sit in on hypothetical #1's class room and observe?

We have no relationship with my dh's boss. I'm really okay with that.

Laughed at Patrick be Tim Gunn Jr.

[Natalie]

(1) I would talk to the teacher about your observations. Then I would let the principal know that you've addressed this with your teacher and you're concerned. Then I would let the teacher know that you let the principal know, so she doesn't think you're trying to go behind her back. Then I would let the parents of the boys know. Sounds complicated, but it's in the interest of full transparency for the teacher. Her strategies are totally alarming, to I think being open is most fair.

(2) Not much. I like my hollow tree.

[irretrievably broken]

The rest of you all wear eye patches. And only let Caroline have one after she INSISTS.

No? That's all I've got.

[Marsha]

1) I would chat casually with another boy-child parent first and then go from there. Strength in numbers, being a village, etc.

2) No need to sign yearbooks or be BFFs, just old-fashioned conversational excellence required. Just last night I was informed of an upcoming client dinner with people whom seem kind of wacky to me when I hear stories of my beloved's days. That reminds me - to be successful, it is important that you develop temporary memory loss regarding any venting you may have heard. These people must be regarded as dear friends of your darling great-aunt who are in town for a visit and would love nothing more than to spend time with Susie's little girl from the old neighboorhood and NOT those cheating liars whose invoices are unfailingly paid net-280 days.

3) I have no idea. Duct tape?

[jb]

1. New teacher. Bad signs. A friend (who is herself a teacher) just had to get her son moved. Boys are different. They learn different. Some teachers embrace it, some have a harder time with it.
2. Eye patch: who knows.

Glad paxil is making a difference in some ways.
Hang in there.

[Jan]

Brava for the way you handled getting more opinions, and thank god that the Paxil seems to be helping! There is a separate class of anti-anxiety drugs that are great, although most bring the risk of addiction. They are "hypnotics" and don't mix well at all with alcohol -- unless you want to go raving and screaming around the house.
I had a mild lazy eye at birth, but did not wear a patch. It wandered a bit only when I was tired. Had an small (although hospital stay) operation at 13 in which the muscle at the side of eye was tightened up. Don't know how you would keep a patch on her except to say, "You have to keep this on...." Oh but hey, I love the idea of accessorizing it. I guess I was thinking of the old-fashioned black ones, but surely it could be pink, sparkly and feathered!
Yes, I think you have a responsibility (that is, it would be prudent in the interests of family finances) to make an effort to have conversations with your husband's business contacts if he has them over for dinner or you're going out with them, but no I don't think you have any obligation to pursue a social relationship with them beyond that.

[Angsty Jen]

First of all, your descriptions of Caroline both crack me up and remind me of our daughter, who's almost four. She's totally done the whole "let meee handle the big knife, mom...I'll be veerry careful..." thing. As to the hypotheticals:

1. I agree with the person who suggested talking to another parent or two and getting their two cents. Then maybe you could talk to the teacher or the principal as a group. My mommy hackles definitely went up when I read about her behavior, though.

2. It'll really suck if Caroline has to get a patch--you have my deep sympathy. Maybe the pirate angle will help, and maybe Patrick could reinforce the "badassness" of it?

[Kacey]

1) Children internalize things very quickly. Even if Patrick is not being punished the "boys are troublemakers" atmosphere may well be psychologically damaging and shouldn't be allowed. If a male teacher went around telling little girls they couldn't do math there would be an uproar and it's not ok for this teacher to place her gender stereotypes on these little boys. File a complaint or talk to the principal or something. You have to be a squeaky wheel to get any attention in this school system but if my child was being told (directly or more subtly) that he was bad simply because he had a penis I would start squeaking like my life depended on it. Good luck!

[Kari]

1. Definitely talk to the other parents to see if they have the same "take" on things. Feel free to discuss with the teacher or administrator. Teacher may not even realize he/she is doing it.

2. My Dear Hubby does a LOT of client socializing and I get pulled in for many. Often, English is NOT their first language or they speak a rather strange science dialect I don't understand, but they've been his clients for many years and they are curious about his family. I am gracious, make small talk, try to get to know things about their families (which, most often they've been away from for weeks) and try to show them something local in the Twin Cities they wouldn't see at home (Ren Fest went over REALLY well with Japanese client). It can be exhausting, but I know that it makes Hubby's clients more loyal in the long run. FYI: I DO NOT entertain them at my home...Too much disparity between what Westerners have and what other countries have, I don't want to feel uncomfortable when they view my modest (and dusty) home and compare to what they may or may not have available to them.

[Anne]

I recommend talking to the teacher directly first although I know that probably seems very scary. She may not even realize what she is doing. I would attempt to be very non-confrontational and openminded about it to start, i.e.: "you know I was thinking about that pencil sharpener incident and I realized I am uncomfortable with the message we might be sending by focusing a punishment on the boys. What do you think?" Then if/when you go over her head to administrators with your concerns you can feel justified because you gave her a chance to address it on her own. The desks against the walls seems insanely wrong to me even aside from the fact that it is only boys. But it's hard for you to do anything about it if it's not your kid. Maybe talk to one or more of the parents of those kids to see what they think about it?

As for the social obligations to clients I think it is important to your marriage to support and share in your spouse's career by doing that stuff without complaint. (Note in this regard that I am a member of a two-lawyer marriage.) Also when you do go to such social functions try not to be too dependent on your spouse even if you are uncomfortable because you don't know anyone. Your spouse needs to focus on networking with other people there, not talking to you, and your role is to help him/her do that. Think of yourself as a wingman and become invisible at appropriate times. I struggle with social anxiety and I find it helps to think of it as a job you are there to do and remember that it is not about you. This is exactly the answer you were hoping not to get, I am sure. Sorry ...

Finally with regard to the anxiety keep trying if the Paxil doesn't work out. You deserve to be happy (and if you have a hard time believing that, well then your family deserves a fully-optimized you), and there are many different drugs your doc can try. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in my life.

[Kate]

Hee. Do you mean Murder on the Orient Express?

I would immediately speak to the teacher and any parents you know about it, in a low-key-ish way. If I got the wrong vibe from the teacher's reaction, I would *immediately* speak to the administrator.

What you describe could be isolated, but it could also be the group version of the way my sister and her two male friends would always do that same thing that they weren't supposed to do in grade school (together, even), but only my sister got punished. More than once. When my mom got called in and asked where the parents of the two boys were, she got confused looks--why would they have called the parents of the boys in? Boys will be boys, right? I feel like in some cases now they come down too hard on the boys, assuming that since they are boys they will misbehave, and that is in every way just as not OK. I want to be charitable, but I am having a hard time thinking of a situation in which I would think what you describe would be acceptable to me.

I have a girl, not a boy, and I wouldn't want her to internalize that dynamic, either.

[Barb]

So glad you are trying the Paxil. Lexapro worked wonders for me. I mentioned this before, but I was very apprehensive about taking medication. So glad I finally caved.

We do socialize a bit with my husband's work colleagues. Some have become friends. Some are just acquaintances. It's not that often, so I don't sweat it too much.

Eye patch? I have no idea. Maybe she'll think it's fun (for two seconds). They could all be pirates...

Don't know what to say about the mass male punishment, but it sounds like something my teacher would have done in 1972. I'm sure you'll get good advice here, though.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

I have no idea what to do about Hypothetical #1, other than to wonder whether this teacher is, like, 12 or something.

As for Sincere Hypothetical #2, I see my husband's work contacts on a social basis pretty regularly. Luckily, I like most of them, and most of them are on the same page as I am about the need for the alcohol-as-social-lubricant. The only time I get uncomfortable around them is when I remember times when I've said something really stupid (which is far too often for my liking...). Of course, I also blogged about a social event with his department and I wasn't too kind toward the hostess of said event (event thrown on my behalf) and somehow, someone who managed to put everything together sent the link to that blog post to the hostess and all hell broke loose (on the third day home from the hospital with newborn twins). So yeah. That was a big win on my part. I imagine the next time I see Hostess at a departmental gathering, I'm going to define a whole new level of awkward... So, you know. Unless you call one of your husband's colleagues an alcoholic on your blog and they find the post where you do so, you'll probably manage to interact with these contacts in a much less awkward way than I have with my husband's work peeps.

As for the eye patch, perhaps Caroline might fall for a touch of the old reverse psychology. Put them high up on a shelf and tell her she absolutely cannot wear one, ever. That might get you a few days with the patch.

[Anne]

(2) There is, of course, the possibility that Mrs. Spacely is not hugely interested in socializing. She may be already very busy, for example, with other interests, and projects of her own.
Apart from that--if you were in a foreign land, you'd be interested in how that culture works. If you think of this potential acquaintance as offering you an opportunity to be in, and learn to understand, a new, intriguing situation, that might be a productively useful viewpoint.

[-R-]

Good luck with the doctor situation. I'm glad you're already starting to feel a little happier, even if that isn't the main goal.

With the school thing, I would go to the principal and tell him what you've noticed. I'm not sure talking to the teacher directly would help, but you obviously know the situation better than I do. At any rate, I would bring it up to someone.

I liked the suggestion above of having everyone else wear one until C begs for one too. =)

[Alice]

Drugs: Another one to ask about is Buspar (rhymes with "new star"). I myself am a longtime satisfied customer of Prozac, which I went back on when my firstborn was six months old and I had so much anxiety and depression that I woke at 6 a.m. feeling like I was standing on the 10th-story ledge of a burning building. So Vitamin P can work on both anxiety and depression. Bottom line: it's trial and error as to what works best on your own personal brain chemistry.

#1: It's definitely giving Patrick a bad message even if he's not being punished himself. How about calling around to ask some other parents of boys and find out what they're hearing from their sons? If this is for real, go right to the principal -- this teacher should be banned from the classroom, IMO.

#2: I dunno, make it a pirate game? Though I can see that getting old fairly soon. Ask the eye doc for ideas -- I doubt this would be the first time he/she has treated a recalcitrant toddler.

[Brenna]

1) I would drop by for an unannounced observation visit, and see if you think she's still showing preferential treatment to the girls. Talk to other parents and see if they have any feelings on the subject. Some parents might just write off their kid's complaints as exaggeration, or maybe they have one of those super-rare kids who doesn't complain. But either way, they may need another adult to help them see that there is a problem. Then talk to the principal and don't take "we'll look in to it" for an answer.

2) Unfortunately (for the both of us), I think a certain amount of schmoozing is expected of spouses. I don't think you need to go plan a spa day or a camping trip, but just follow your husband's lead.

For the possible eye patch: Not sure. Would she respond to treating it as something she just has to do, like riding in a carseat, and you'll brook no argument? My kids tend towards the fatalistic, so this argument works more often than I should probably be employing it.

Beyond that, let her choose it, decorate it, etc, like others have commented.

[Sharon]

Love the idea of the family wearing an eye patch. Give it a try.

I took Paxil and it worked quite well for awhile. I currently take Prozac for my over abundance of anxiety and find that it has made a tremendous improvement in my life. Now I can stop picking up every scrap of dust I see on the floor and a dish or two in the sink before bed is A OKAY. It will take about six weeks for the full effect to be noticed so don't dispair. Give it some time.

[maggie]

Anxiety is a symptom of depression.

Accoring to this booklet http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Mental_Health_Information/Depressive_Illness/depressive_ill_causes.html#common

"As many as two-thirds of people who struggle with depression also have prominent symptoms of anxiety. ... If you have symptoms of both depression and anxiety, a thorough assessment should determine which of the two is the primary problem. The diagnosis will influence what kind of treatment is suggested."

You can get info about various antidepressants here: http://www.camh.net/Care_Treatment/Resources_clients_families_friends/psych_meds/antidepressants/upm_antidepressants.html

It sounds like you're on track to finding out what works for you. Congratulations on having such a great advocate (Steve) helping you out!

[Kim]

I'm a teacher and this raises serious red flags for me. OTOH, our little darlings are not always the most reliable of narrators, so... Also, I always had quiet desks - isolated, against the wall - in my classrooms. They were used only during worktimes, either by choice (students who needed more quiet, or a chance to get away from someone pestering them) or by the pests themselves - who tended, not always, but tended to be boys. They were not used on a full time basis.
I really think that's a terrible demarkation to make in a learning environment. And one group being punished while the other plays games, especially when it's a catch all group - shudder. Talk to her, talk to the principal.

[rupiedupie]

#1
My firstborn son had one helluva teacher his first grade year. She looked like the fairy godmother from Cinderella...and acted like Crewella Deville. Kid you not.
First sign that things were wonky, my son cried at drop off every day for 7 months. Second sign, one day he says to me "You know mom, my teacher acts one way when parents and other grown ups are around and she acts another way when it's just us kids." When I asked him to expound on that. He articulated that she's all smiles and perky with grown ups and turns on the anger when others aren't their to witness.
Third sign, one day my son relayed a story of how the teacher dumped out the entire desk contents of one student, just to proove her point that his desk was 'filthy'.(yes a 6 year old child)
This teacher was 'highly decorated' by the district. Awards, accolades, etc etc etc.
Makes me shake my head to this day (son is now 11). What made the matter worse, was that a close relative worked at that same school. I didn't want to rock the boat professionally for them by raising a stink.
Socially, parents were divided on that teacher and what to do about it.

To your current 'hypothetical';
If your school offers the option to 'sit in' on classes, DO IT. (if you are able to)
Or, just switch to a different class/teacher. PERIOD.
I can't imagine any dialogue situations that would remediate the issue.
When people show you who they are...the first time, believe it. When it comes to raising our kids, their safety, their best interest... Do what will protect them. In short order. Bigotry and hatred on any level from an employee towards a student is unnacceptable. The school admin may never show their cards to you. They may know she's a clunker and just work around it as best as they can. Suck ass sounding situation. Totally.

#2
Dinner with drinks once a season is totally acceptable.
I do that for my spouse as needs be. I take it upon myself to support his situation and attempt to 'present well' and benefit his career path.
It doesn't mean I'm besties with any of them, on any level.
Hubby and I don't pretend it's anything more that what it is. And we don't aspire to go any closer with any of those connections.

Oi, my husband came home the other day and relayed a story from his workplace. One of his bosses came right out and offered my husband the opportunity to have a cosmetic procedure..that they were willing to pay for outright and in full.
My husband said "Thanks...I think?"
Kind of crazy.
Makes me shake my head too.
I'd rather live in a hollow tree than run with the 'wannabe's' corporately.

Thanks for the post Julia.
Plenty to mull over.
CUTE stories.

[Amy in MN]

OMG! Your reference to "what do I know, I live in a hollow tree" immediately brought to mind a song written and sung by a local WI group honoring the only Waunakee in the world. Good times.

[Corie]

I hope the Paxil continues to work for you - it did nothing for me, but that was about 10 years ago. Wellbutrin did, however, work wonders. Oh, and if/when you stop taking the Paxil, be sure to wean yourself the way you're supposed to. Quitting cold turkey gave me the WORST side effects!!!

[rupiedupie]

I think I should follow up to say that when our youngest entered into first grade this year, we specifically asked the school administration to not place our child in the troubled teachers class.
That runs opposite of their written policy.
My husband went in last spring and asked the principal directly.
In our experience of 8 class placements with the school, this was the only time we've ever asked them for anything.

[SarahB]

Re #1: Kids can really pick up on unfairness (particularly gifted ones, which that's a class of). I bet they notice, and it is worth intervening. That description gave me the heeby-jeebys.

Also: Yeah, a work function here or there is part of the deal. I'm trying to think of a SAHM/freelance writer reciprocation...Steve watching the kids while you go off for awhile and write?

[Corinne]

Re the possible eye patch: I can sell nearly anything with books. Do you have How I Became a Pirate - Melinda Long/David Shannon (and others in the series)?
Re the teacher: Ugh. How awful. How very sad. I think other parents would appreciate your speaking up even if (or especially because) Patrick is not the focus of the punishment. More of an objective response to the situation, rather than just defense of a "naughty kid". Keep us posted - I'm curious how to handle things like this with kindergarten coming up.

[Cat]

Hello Anxiety!

If you want something for the anxiety in the mean time (before you find your one true counsellor love) the cognitive behaviour school is helpful for smarties and you can do it BY YOURSELF! I found the book "Panic Attacks" by David Burns v. useful. Also - I'm a sucker for puns and the title makes me laugh every time. I always shout it in my head.

All the best,
Cat

[victoria]

I don't have a lot in common with you (I have no kids or gift for witty narrative) but I have had some success in pulling out of a yearlong anxiety attack. Here is what seems to help my anxiety:

1. Wellbutrin.

2. Sleep hygiene + appropriate sleep medication. (Thank you for writing about melatonin! I love it!)

3. Regular exercise.

4. Meditation (ten minutes a day).

5. A book by a Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, called "You Are Here." (Especially his advice about how to care for your painful emotions as if the emotion were a baby crying out for your attention. [I prefer pets so I visualize my fear as a shivering puppy.] Somehow this practice allows me to detach and become calm.)

6. Living in the present moment. (I discovered that almost all my anxiety comes from worrying about the past and future, but that if I rest my awareness on this present moment, my suffering sort of vanishes.)

7. Social contact (with almost anyone) even if the conversation isn't particularly intimate.

I think getting appropriate sleep
is the most important thing on the list, for me.

Good luck.

[aiyim]

I heard from my opthamologist that they make drops that blur the eye you would be patching. It's never fun to do eye drops, but I think the patch would be really hard for you.

[stephanie]

Make the eye patch fun: http://www.ortopadusa.com/Patching-Accessories.

[Sarah]

I'm glad you are getting some help and are on the path to better health J.

As for C, good luck with the patch. I have no tips on how to get her to wear it.

With the school situation, I would first make sure I had all my facts straight (witnessed the classroom desk situation and how they were used, had a copy of the letter sent home, wrote down the day the punishment happened) and then I'd go straight to the principal. I would not make any attempt to talk to the teacher. She has shown you very clearly that she has a bias and uses it in her classroom the to detriment of the boys in her class. You happen to be the parent of one of those boys, whether he is facing a wall all day or not. Even if he isn't phased by it now, it's leaving a mark and that wouldn't be okay with me.

I'd ask two things -- that he be moved to a classroom with a teacher who is fair minded, and that the current teacher receive mentoring and monitoring on this subject so that the boys left behind are not left hanging in the wind.

As for socializing with a spouses coworkers, we never do it. They do all their socializing during working hours and outsiders aren't invited. My workplace is much the same -- our team things are during work hours (lunches, parties, etc) and family is rarely invited. Hubby has attended a few things (Halloween party, my shower's, etc) and mixes well. I'm sure we are missing out on after work things but we aren't usually even invited so it's no big deal.

[rupiedupie]

victoria,
I like you!

[Channa]

Answer to hypothetical #1: As a teacher, I'd suggest distinguishing between things that you can objectively point to and object to, and more subjective stuff:
*desks against the wall only for boys - your kid isn't being placed there, and maybe the only kids deserving this punishment are boys; I'd keep quiet about it
*punishments for all the boys - you could complain about this (to the teacher or the principal) just in terms of "why is my kid being punished for something he didn't do?" without any accusation that the teacher favors girls
*the notes home is where things get interesting though, because here the teacher has left a paper trail. If it's one note, you could innocently bring it in and discuss it with her. If the teacher has sent home more than one note accusing "the boys" of some infraction, you could just show them to the principal pretty much without saying a word - that really speaks for itself.

[jlp]

Princess and the Beef. That sounds delicious.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety all her life, and who has been trained as a cognitive behavioral psychologist, the only thing that has ever worked for me has been exercise (and plenty of it).

[Carrie]

My friend's daughter has had to have an eyepatch for a number of years. They call it Pirate Time and generally the girl is able to do things during that time that she is not allowed to otherwise do--play video games namely.

Not sure what to tell you about the rest. I would be pretty peeved about the boy disliking teacher. I think it is worth talking to the other parents about and approaching the principal (I don't think the teacher will see the problem).

[jd]

I've got a Caroline-esque child who has to wear a patch. If you do wind up going down that road, we've managed by investing heavily in "Patch Pals" (http://www.patchpals.com/) -- pink skull patch? rainbow unicorn? dinosaurs? All awesome. There are also sticky patches that are like eye-bandaids. The ones you get in the drugstore are boring and hurt when you take them off. Instead, order from http://www.ortopadusa.com/, which also has cool designs.

She's still gonna hate them though.

However, I second the advice that it's worth any amount of fighting to deal with it early. I have severe amblyopia that wasn't caught until relatively late, and I am now "stereoblind". A good read is "Fixing My Gaze", which is written by a woman who was stereoblind due to strabismus (eyes pointing in different directions, which may be Caroline's issue), but then recovered stereo vision as an adult. I had never felt like I was missing much until I read the book, and after reading her descriptions of what life was like before and after recovering stereo vision, I now feel sad that I don't have it.

[jen]

I think it is really great that you kept trying to find Someone. It can be really hard to find the right Someone and it makes all the difference.

1. This is a difficult situation. I would maybe, tenderly, broach the subject with the teacher first but stepping ever so carefully. Perhaps starting by mentioning the note since you have hard Evidence in that case. Also like the idea some others have mentioned about talking to the other boy parents. At any rate, I would not wait it out. If the teacher gives blank looks or denial, then I'd take it to the administrator.

2. I would say social functions are required. Maybe a dinner party every few months or a holiday party attendance, etc. Not a requirement to be friends but just to interact socially, occasionally. At a former workplace, we would often get together with clients at baseball games and it was all very casual and everyone would bring spouses and children and such. I imagine it was highly awkward for everyone but everyone just sort of drank a lot and had fun.

[Alison]

Teacher here- #1 raises some flags. Many teachers I know won't even divide kids by gender when playing academic games- I use color of shoes, or what they had for breakfast or ____- and the blanket note about the boys is super-uncool. I'd ask her about it using some of the good language suggested by Anne, in a non-defensive/threatening way. And then use Natalie's suggestions for follow-up with an administrator if she gets weird or says there's no way there's a problem or acts in any way that is not reflective and/or explanatory. Do keep any communication from her that demonstrates this issue.

Do NOT drop by for an unannounced observation- it will just make her defensive/threatened and it is, frankly, a pretty obnoxious thing to do which could greatly disrupt the running of a class. My principal wouldn't allow this even if I thought it was okay. Schedule a time or day to come if you would like.

[jen]

Oh and thank you, thank you, thank you for mentioning the melatonin. I had been having some severe issues getting to sleep and between your post and something I read in a magazine, I did some other research and wham, I'm getting to sleep at a reasonable hour again. And not doing this horrible thing where I would fall asleep for maybe ten minutes and then wake up for some silly reason like the cat jumping on to the bed and then not be able to fall back asleep for another 1 1/2 hours. It was dreadful and now the problem is solved. So thank you, again.

[Minneapolismama]

I say get Caroline to buy into the idea of being a girl pirate. If that doesn't work, I'd enlist the help of the eye doctor. Sometimes they have good ideas.

There are lots of different antianxiety meds you can try, so if this one doesn't work, be sure to give another one a try.

And, as one of the parents of another boy in that room, I think it's a "game" she's playing and it will go away in a month or so. My sister (former K teacher) agrees, but adds that it's not a good strategy on the part of the teacher.

[Nicole]

Just some thoughts on the eye patch, if necessary: maybe you can link it to the cat, the mouse & the hammer and television time in general? That way Caroline may notice it less and she trains her eye watching television at the same time. My son has had eye problems since a few weeks after birth, and now at almost 3 years old, is wearing glasses. He keeps them on because he sees better with them! We have had some patching periods, but only when he was little. A new one might be coming soon though. I hope everything works out allright for you!

[Heather Z.]

My now ten-year-old needed to patch one eye when she had just turned two. I used the plain old adhesive (band aid type) patches from the drug store. I told her it was a band aid to help her eye get stronger. She never fussed about them or had any problems. I put it on then immediately distracted her with one of her favorite things. She wore one 3 hours a day for about six months. She was also fitted for glasses at the same time. It might not be so smooth for Caroline. But I wanted to share the fact that our experience was really stress free. Good luck!

[mar]

My son (and later, daughter) had a teacher who told the parents on back to school night that she didn't like boys. Right straight out. Never even tried to hide it. And this was a second grade class. With only 8 boys in it. My son, who was eventually placed in a gifted class, got bored in this class, and I'm sure was more chatty that would be acceptable. Her solution, rather than try to make it a teachable moment, or spend some time figuring out that he needed more challenges? Face his desk into the corner and keep him in the office at recess if he spoke out of line. It literally scarred him for years.

So, um, yea. Say something. I agree, gather the thoughts of a few other parents. If you can all show a pattern of behavior that shows bias, all while doing so in a polite yet insist manner, you'll do better than being that one mom who goes in wailing "MY PRESSSSHUSSSS BAAAABBBEEEE BBBBOOOYYYY!"

Oh - our outcome? Teacher is now retired - boooyah!