Eos

Caroline and Edward missed school on Tuesday due to gunky colds. I always loathed when toddler Patrick was sick because I could never figure out what to do with him all day but the twinkles were perfectly content to lie on the couch and watch stuff. Apart from the fact that they were cluttering up my alloted kid-free time - and they were both in moods as fragile as spun glass - it was sort of pleasant. Caroline has alternate titles for most shows, my two favorites being when she asks "Can I watch the Cat, the Mouse and the Hammer?" (aka Tom & Jerry) or suggests a viewing of "The Princess and the Beef" (Tale as old as time... .)

Caroline felt crummy enough that she fell asleep in her own bed two nights in a row. It is a nice feeling to open her door at night and see her lying peacefully in more or less the same place that I left her. Yesterday she felt better and celebrated by alarming me with her matter of fact assumptions about her own capabilities, like when she looked thoughtful and suggested that she could drive rather than me or when she said she wanted to try out "the big knife" I was using to cut cantelope. Later she lay on my bed gazing out the window and said dreamily, "I want to fly."

I said, "NO FLYING CAROLINE" very firmly.

She said nothing for a moment and then said, "I want to fly like a bird and climb like a chipmunk." 

Edward said, "No Tayayine! NO FY-ING!"

Caroline sighed and said, "Ok ok OHHHHKAAAAAAY."

We left it at that.

Thank you very much for pointing out that her eye looked weird in those last pictures. I hadn't noticed but as soon as you mentioned it I realized that you were right. Looking back over photos from the past few months I can see her right eye gradually sliding toward her nose so I took her into her pediatrician who is sending her onto a pediatric opthamologist. We'll see what the eye doctor says this afternoon.

So last week I saw Someone and she was not the right someone for me. I did think briefly about the advice I had gotten here to give it three sessions but... no. Not right for me. I left her office and felt totally horrible, not because she was rotten or anything; it was just that I could not imagine randomly scheduling appointments with people over and over again until we clicked. It would be like going on a neverending series of blind dates arranged by whatever system matches college roommates. And meanwhile I had gotten all excited about finally living without all this worry. 

I asked Steve if he thought I should go see my primary and ask if he had any ideas. Steve said yes. Then - because historically my primary care doctor and I have not communicated very well - I asked Steve what I should say. Steve, who speaks psychobabble fluently (one might almost say it is his first language) launched into an ex tempore explanation that was so lucid and perfect I asked if he would just come with me and say it again. He said sure. So last week I went to see my primary and Steve came along as my translator and I left feeling much much better with a referral to a different Someone who does more cognitive behavioral stuff (the first Someone advised yoga and teetotalism - both admirable, sure, but not exactly what I was hoping for right now) and a prescription for the newest generation of Paxil.

It's only been a week but so far the effects have been... funny? Apart from feeling sleepier I noticed that I am also a little more chipper. A little sunnier. A bit of the ol' joie de vivre is creeping back into the day. I started putting on lipstick and mascara again - just because - and yesterday I looked at my jeans, long sleeved Target t-shirt and slumpy grey cardigan of unknown origin and decided on a thirty second make-over. I took off my jungle mocs and put on clunky high heels and I wrapped the sweater into what I thought was an interesting silhouette and then I put a belt over it. I pulled my hair into a chignon and smoothed the frizzy bits down with hair paste. I added a darker lipstick and thought I looked pretty good. I drove to school.

Patrick said, "Your hips are down here and your waist is up here and the belt... did you MEAN to do this?"

Tim Gunn, junior cat edition.

I'm supposed to go back to my primary in a month and check in on how the Paxil is treating me. At that time if I feel exactly like I do right now I would say it isn't touching the anxiety but it might have managed to unearth some previously unsuspected depression and is beating the tar out of it. So that's ok and I'm going to give it more time. I suppose there are other anti-anxiety medications if this one doesn't work for me?

I have to pick Caroline up early from preschool for her eye appointment and I wanted to get some stuff done around the house without my belovable leg shackles so this is going to be brief today but I had two very hypothetical questions for you:

Very Hypothetical Question #1

Suppose your (male) child was in an elementary school class close to the beginning of the school year and the teacher has behaved in a manner that indicates that she might have a problem with boys. Examples of this would include having all of the boys in the class do worksheets (as a punishment for "misbehaving") while the girls were allowed to play a game - twice - or sending home notes to the parents saying that "the boys" had broken the pencil sharpener (what is this? Death on the Nile? How do over a dozen boys collectively break anything?) or the fact that she has placed many boys at desks of their own facing the wall while the rest of the class is grouped into tables. Now suppose that your own Damien has been more or less unaffected with the exception of the mass male punishments but the very idea of singling out any group (black Catholic foreign-born penised) to be punished jointly for the transgressions of a few makes your cuticles ache. Do you... what do you do? Wait it out?

Very Hypothetical Question #2       

In the most general of ways: how much is one obligated to socialize with people one's spouse considers to be important business contacts? It seems so odd to create faux frienships with Mr and Mrs Spacely Sprocket but what do I know; I live in a hollow tree  - do you ever see your significant's boss/clients/whoever socially regardless of personal inclination? Sincere question.

Actually they both are. Also how do you keep an eye patch (maybe. but probably) on a girl who cannot keep her pants on?

PS DAMN IT. Murder on the Orient Express, of course.

Comments

[amanda]

Haven't read the comments yet, but my first thoughts are:

- If what you are on is helping latent/unnoticed depression, but not touching your anxiety you can try something else in addition to the paxil. I was on one drug for a while that helped some symptoms and then just plateaued... leaving me stuck. We added on a second medication and it lifted me all the way out to where I wanted to be. Something to think about.

- For Carolyn, I have no idea, but my first instinct was to make it something she wants... talk it up like it is a treat and a privilege and only for very special occasions, etc. Don't let on that you really want/need her to wear it, if it comes to that.

Very glad you went to someone. Very glad you recognized that wrongness of the match right away. Don't feel bad about that. If a therapist is any good at all the therapists expects that kind of evaluation and wants what is best for you. Very glad you went with Steve and persisted in getting the care you need. You are doing all of the hardest things now, just by starting and trying.

[Jill]

My daughter had the turned in eye bit at 1.5 yrs. One eye was more farsighted than the other and her brain was ignoring the weaker eye. We used a sticky patch (big band-aid) over the eye 2 hrs per day for 9 months. What helped was putting it on first thing in the morning, same time every day. Also, you can put surgical tape over the sticky patch if you have to. Or duct. Hey, whatever works! After 9 months, her eyes are lined up again. She also got glasses and still has them. I recommend MiraFlex frames. They are plastic, yes, but they come in purple, pink, green, etc, and they are nearly unbreakable. My daughter loves her purple glasses. We still have them 1.5 years later. Same pair. And she's a daredevil child.

The first week of glasses will suck. You will walk around after her picking them up and putting them back on. And yes, my kid's had a strap. The strap doesn't prevent the kid from pulling them off over the head. After a week or two, with you hating life and putting those !@#$ glasses back on every 30 seconds, she'll get used to them and keep them on.

Good luck!

[Elizabeth]

1) Ugh. That's a horrible situation, and what I would do would probably involve a hissy fit. You should feel free to take a more measured response.

Given that part of what is giving you pause is the notes that the teacher sent home, I don't think much more verification is required. I'd keep the notes and bring copies in when discussing this. I think that the only use in talking to the teacher is so that you can say you did when you then talk to the principal; the teacher has Issues, and telling her your concerns will at best only cause her to cover her ass a bit better. You're going to have to talk to the principal, and the best thing is probably to remove Patrick from the class. That doesn't help the other kids in the class, but the real solution there is the fire the teacher, which the principal may not have the authority to do. Talking to the other parents is good to, but my priority would be to get my boy (or my girl -- such an atmosphere is just as destructive to the girls) out of there.

To look at it another way, if you'd hired this woman as a nanny and she was punishing Patrick and Edward for being messy with their legos and cars while feeding Caroline treats and laughing off her death-defying climbs, you'd fire her, right? You should not be made to feel ashamed to advocate for your kids, there are a lot of bad teachers out there If more people were willing to get confrontational about it we might have better schools.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I read a (blog? magazine article?) once where the dad had to make his toddler daughter wear an eye patch. He ended up having to make splints out of newspaper and duct tape them to her arms, so she couldn't get to the eye patch. Then he described how she would stomp around the house like an angry (duck? soldier? penguin?). Clearly my details are a bit fuzzy, but I remember the duct tape splints.

[SusanOR]

Glad that the Paxil is helping and do follow up with the CBT (either the new therapist that Steve negotiated for or the David Burns book -- also, excellent advice about staying in the present and the roles of exercise and sleep!!

Re work socializing -- I gotta go to one of these tomorrow night in fact. My strategy is to make sure I don't drink toooo much ETOH so I have water after every drink to slow myself down. Husband's work socializing tends to be more of a group (partners, partners & clients, eg) than just us and another couple. Makes it a little easier to make small talk. And I do ask husband to remind me (before hand) names of various spouses, which ones are bible thumpers (don't want to make snarky comments), which ones are divorcing (don't want to ask where the spouse is!).

In general, people LOVE it when you ask questions that enable them to talk about themselves. You just ask a few good questions and they will say you had a wonderful conversation!

[AnnaN]

1) I would say that once or twice may be an anomaly but facing the desks to the walls? That's beyond the norm. I can't imagine ALL the boys were being so obnoxious that this was required to restore order to the room. But make a note of dates and incidences and see if they keep happening, if so - bring it up the teacher and go up the chain of command if it doesn't get properly addressed.

2) Yes to the occasional dinner with colleagues but I would say no more often than three times a year?

3) Hand Caroline a foam sword along with the patch and instruct her to put together a trilogy of pirate plays for family enjoyment. Edward could be in charge of continuity (keeping that patch in place!) because he looks like a details man.

Seriously though, my sis (Jujubee, where ARE you?) can answer to this as my youngest nephew had an eye issue which required a patch but in conjunction with drops and only for a day a week or an hour a day, or some such schedule.

RE: Seeing Someone
Anxiety is really a function of your thought processes (how negative is your self talk?) and that will certainly create a depressive internal atmosphere. The meds will help with that while the CBT will help alter the "how" you think thereby reducing your anxiety/ies. Having been through it myself, I have to say its not easy and does take a while, but the result seems to be a permanence of peace of mind. Thirteen years ago I had been in therapy for about a year, on Prozac for 6-8 months, and my last panic attack was 12 yrs ago. But therapy and cure is really a "to each his own" event because nobody gets to be so anxious and panic-filled in exactly the same way.

And to end this loooooong reply:

Patrick is fabulous. A pair of leather weightlifting gloves, some sunglasses, hair gel and black jeans and he can hit Halloween as Karl Lagerfeld.

[C.]

Meds - Chronic anxiety sufferer for 35+ years (I am 35 and 10 months ;) and a cocktail of paxil and klonopin is a dream. I take them at night as they also help with the insomnia. It took a while to get to the right SSRI (paxil) and klonopin has recently been added in the last year. So calm, really nothing bothered me like it used to an things are more in perspective.

[Carrie (in MN)]

On the teacher situation. I'm in the camp that says talking to the teacher isn't going to fix it. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong (as evidenced by the note) and I've learned through hard-won experience that if you try to work with the principal to fix it, you might get something done to fix it (but you probably won't, because in my experience the principal can actually do very little to correct a teacher) and you WILL piss off the teacher and her friends. I'd just quietly ask that he be moved, because "it doesn't seem like a good personality match." And I would move him - teachers who don't like boys (we've had two - 2nd and 6th grade) and are willing to punish them for not acting like girls can do a lot of damage.

On work socializing. I have to do it a few times a year and I chalk it up to a necessary inconvenience that I'm willing to do because we've been through a layoff thankyouverymuch, and I don't want to do it again. Not that it's much insurance, but you don't want to be the difficult spouse. No "besties", but with a little alcohol, just fine.

[Carla Hinkle]

OK -- I have just been through Year 1 of glasses/patching with a not-quite-3-year-old, so bear with me...

With my daughter, who was just about Caroline's age when we noticed the lazy eye, we got glasses, got a month to get used to the glasses, then got into patching time. You may not even have to patch, depending on the diagnosis -- for some kids, glasses is enough.

We started out with the stick on patches because there was NO WAY she was going to get them off. The adhesive is WAY WAY WAY strong so it was good for the beginning. It is a little hard on the skin around the eye, though, so once we got into a routine, we switched to the patches that slip over the glasses.

I second the recommendation for Patch Pals for the slip-over patches ... for the stick on patches we went with www.MYIpatches.com. The cute designs helped a little. We also heavily bribe with M&M's -- some if you put your patch on without too much fussing, and some as a reward at the end of patching time if you didn't try to take it off (too much). I think the chocolate is even more effective than the pretty patches.

Just a thought -- it might be worth it to get a 2nd opinion ophthamologist bc there seem to be widely varying views in the ophthamology field re: lazy/crossed eyes and their treatment. We saw 2 and though they agreed with the basic diagnosis (farsightedness, uneven in the two eyes, which was causing the lazy eye), they varied quite a bit in their treatment plans (how much patching time, likelihood of eventual surgery, etc). Just a thought.

I'm sure it will work out fine! It is great you are catching it so young because you will get her eyes PERFECT both cosmetically and visually.

[Ruth]

I don't think they'll jump you right to an eye patch .... my eight year old has strabismus that was diagnosed when he was four, and he's been wearing glasses to treat it. At some point we're going to have to talk about patching, but our doc isn't there yet. Keeping glasses on a kid who doesn't understand what's wrong with the way they've always seen the world is a whole 'nuther kettle of fish.

That said, I agree with JD that it is good you are catching this now. I also had strabismus that went undiagnosed, and am now blind in my right eye. I'll be checking out the book she mentioned.

[Alexis]

Re: medication

Effexor is an antidepressant that has anti-anxiety properties to it. It is in a different class of antidepressant than Paxil is. Your sex life may suffer with the Paxil. In my opinion, Effexor is a fabulous drug. With either drug, though, don't stop cold turkey...you need to taper it off or else you'll get some massive headaches. I'm on Effexor myself (after my doctors have tried almost every antidepressant known to man) and this is the one that worked the best.

Another option is Klonopin. I know it sounds like a big bad drug that they make you a zombie with, but it really isn't. It is specifically an anti-anxiety medication.

[Mir]

This has probably already been said (and I am in a rush and so haven't read all the comments), but my daughter has "accommodative esotropia" which is a fancy way of saying that she has one eye that gives up and turns inward and stops working without correction. Yay! It was detected at about the same age Caroline is now. In her case, no patching -- just glasses. I worried that it would be a fight to keep them on, but it took very little time for her to figure out she could see a LOT better with them on, and within a week it was a fight to get her to take them OFF. All of which is a long-winded way of saying: Wait and see. It may not be a patch at all, and if it's glasses, she may do better than you think.

[Libby]

Oh my gravy, Julia! I am catching up and I seriously think I had a heart attack reading about Caroline's escapade on the roof. It made me cry, my God I just can't imagine. I am so sorry you went through that. I just don't know what else to say. Thank God, the moon,the heavens,the universe,etc, etc that she was not hurt. Wow. I have visions of these tales being told at her wedding toast or at her college graduation party and everyone will laugh and think, oh Menace Girl! haha! But it's so fresh right now, my heart is still beating fast. Wow.

****

Patrick's hat is absolutely awesome. A hundred "likes"!

So glad you are feeling better.

Say something about the teacher.

[Justin]

I had what was described as a lazy eye when I was about 5. Wore a patch for what I fuzzily remember as a couple of months and it corrected and haven't had anymore problems. Mine would turn inward when I was tired. I think my Mother just explained why I needed to wear the patch, namely to make the lazy eye work harder and catch up to the left eye, and I think I did it willingly.
A teacher who's comfortable sending notes home that "the boys" are a problem needs to have an intervention of some sort done.

[LMM]

When I was in 5th and 6th grade, I had two teachers that treated the boys and girls differently. They often split us up, made us compete in things like dodgeball, were more chummy with the boys. It sucked. It still sucks, when I think about it.
I generally don't have a problem with confrontation, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable speaking to the teacher directly. If she really does have an issue with boys, I'd hate for there to be a "strike" against my boy if I brought it up and she didn't respond well.
I'd chat up the other parents and see if they've noticed the same thing and bring it to the administrator so that it can be a collective concern and not one parent being "difficult".

As for socializing, fortunately, I don't have to do it that often. We each call on the other to do the "forced fun" thing about once per year, and never at home, so it all evens out. I can deal with bosses and co-workers...my big issue is the 1 or 2 friends of his that I cannot stand. Socializing with them is much harder. Sheesh.

[rosie]

It does look (from pics) that Caroline has a little strabismus. They make eye patches that are essentially like big band-aids, with adhesive around the eye. They also make them with cool decorations that kids love.

As for anxiety/depression meds- I swear by Celebrex. Period. Love it.

[Sara]

Regarding the eye patch, what would work for my two-year-old is telling her that there is no way on earth that she will be allowed to wear the eye patch. Absolutely not. I forbid it. Etc. Etc.

Regarding the teacher, I do think I'd speak to the teacher first. There is at least an outside chance that she is unaware of her own (admittedly fairly blatant) bias and that she will be mortified into making positive changes if you point it out to her. Bias doesn't always mean inflexibility of mind (although it often does). But then if she doesn't respond in a way that you find appropriate, I'd talk to the principal and try to get Patrick out of there.

I'm the working spouse, and yes, sadly, some degree of socializing with colleagues is pretty much mandatory for spouses. Sorry. It is a stupid system, but there it is.

[liz]

My daughter had eyeglasses and a patch starting at 20 months and she told me the patch was her "pirate eyelash", so we just billed patching as "pirate time". No wonder she decided to have a pirate party for her 4th birthday!

It worked out ok. She ended up having surgery for strabismus at age 4, but stopped wearing glasses just prior to kindergarten and sees fairly well now!

[Kirsten]

My suggestions for #1 are coming from my recent past as a classroom teacher. I would first go directly to the teacher. I think going over her head (admin) or behind her back (parents), so to speak, might set you up to have a difficult year, especially if she is, as it seems, perhaps not the best match for you and yours. As a (non-biased) teacher, I would want a chance to explain my reasoning or rectify the situation. BUT, if that initial meeting with the teacher is unsatisfying, I wholly recommend a meeting with the principal-- which would hopefully include the teacher at some point. I don't like her methods (punishment? misbehaving? shaming? None of this considered anywhere near best practice...) or her communication to the parents, but I think she deserves the chance to speak with you directly before her evaluator gets involved.

[Elizabeth]

#3 Duct tape?

[Sarah k]

As a former teacher myself (before babies), I would strongly recommend talking to the teacher, in as non-threatening a way as possible, first. Her methods sound horrendous and I can't imagine how she expects to get away with that or what on earth she is thinking. Still, if you can't Patrick out of her class, you don't want to ruin your relationship with her unnecessarily. I would definitely talk to her, ask her her take on the situation, express friendly concern, and then go to the administration if needed. I think it's best if you can position yourself as the teacher's ally in providing your son with the best and healthiest educational environment possible. But of course you need to be your son's advocate, too, so if she is a jerk about it or things don't change, go to the mattresses! I just think try to avoid that if possible so she doesn't view/ treat your son differently. Am I making teachers sound neurotic? :) some are. But they're human and have who knows what going on in their lives and managing a glassful of kids is challenging. But I think having Patrick in class would be a delight!

[Sarah k]

That was meant to say "glassful of kids", not "glassful." ahem. Yes, I was an English teacher.

[Sarah k]

Apparently my husband's iPad is not my friend when it comes to typing. Apologies.

[Stacey]

On the anxiety/depression/seeing Someone/etc., I think the book "The Chemistry of Joy" is a must read. It is a good combo of western medicine, diet, meditation, information. And written by a Minnesotan too, Henry Emmons.

[shari]

My daughter has worn eye patches for the past year -- didn't have time to read previous posts, but they make tons of 'girly' patches, or ones that are white that you can put stickers on, color, etc... our opthomologist suggested getting the white ones and letting my daughter color them and at the end of each day sticking it in a special 'notebook' (we used just a regular spiral notebook) that she would bring with to appts so he could see it... she really bought into that!

and, OMG, there is a difference in brands...the over the counter ones I first purchased at a walgreens about tore the skin off around my daughter's eye-- WAY too sticky. I found these to be the best and not TOO expensive... good luck!

http://www.ortopadusa.com/

[Anon]

1. My friends and I joke all the time about having to be "That Mom" -- that mom that (makes an issue with) talks to the teacher and/or principal. It's necessary and just needs to be done with respect for the teacher. It can help to talk about things from the perspective of the child: "Hypothetical Child expressed some concern that the boys were getting in trouble and he's starting to worry about what that means for him. He loves school (compliment to the teacher) and we we want to keep it that way!" I agree with the person who suggested being open with the teacher about talking to the principal if that becomes necessary -- no going behind the teacher's back!

2. I didn't want to say anything before about seeing Someone -- didn't want to jinx it for you. I have been to three Someones and while the third was somewhat of a fit, two were terrible (one told me my problems were nothing compared to others', and one started nodding off during my session) and I finally gave up on the other when the progress I was making was overshadowed by my difficulty recovering from each session. The crying and emotional upset took every last drop of energy out of me. I remember reading somewhere, on someone's blog (helpful, that) that the person had once done therapy by writing in a journal and sending the journal to the therapist for comments. I need to find that setup! :)

3. Re eye patch -- I would totally blame it on the doctor. "Honey, I know that you don't like it, but the doctor made the rule that you must wear it. It will help your eye, like medicine helps you when you don't feel well." It's true and it takes the heat off you.

Good luck on all fronts and thanks for sharing.

[yammeringon]

1. I'm not a great judge of appropriate and positive interaction with poor teachers at the moment, as we are pulling our oldest out of public school and putting her in Catholic school beginning next week. She has a band-new teacher and lots of kids with behavior problems in her class. It's a toxic combination, and the principal is so caught up in supporting his first hire (he's new too) that he doesn't see an unsafe situation for what it is. So tra-la-la, our family of hippie atheists will join up with the Catholics, who right now are looking just lovely because of their take on discipline. No one will hit her! No one will snap scissors at her face in an aggressive manner! They will probably even teach her to read. What bliss! Truly, parenting is all about the gradual and complete lowering of standards.

2. Yep, you have to socialize, but not *that* often. I get away with socializing about 5-6 times/year with my spouse's colleagues, who run towards elderly Nobel Prize winners (in my experience, these folks like to quote Animal House a bit more than you might expect). I have told more than one bartender that I intend to drink until they get interesting, but have found that to be a poor strategy. Embrace the Sprockets. Find their quirks and then blog about them, anonymously.

Eye patch: There's a girl in my daughter's new class who has an eye patch. She seems like a feisty one. It is taped on and looks sturdy.

[Priscilla]

#1 - Sounds like last year Patrick had a wonderful teacher. Perhaps the former teacher could be a good source of advice/opinion, on the down low? If not I'd (love the Sarah K comment) go to the mattresses and head for the principal with the notes sent home in hand. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask the teacher about the notes first, but I wouldn't qualify my concerns. I'd be a little more I saw these and they gave me pause, etc. A nice version of what the hell, lady?

#2 - I don't socialize but it's a weird situation. I did go along for family dinners when I was a kid and we had to go out with clients and their families. Usually hated it, but kind of a useful skill as an adult - how to make small talk for an evening.

#3 - Is it bad that I use candy in tricky parental coaxing situations? After all, the kids will need something to talk to their Someone's about when they are older!

[Erin]

I have literally NO experience with rough teachers, but if it were my child, I would a) document, document, document EVERYTHING that raises your eyebrows (i.e., child comes home talking about a new discipline process or a new seat or a recently broken object or whatever) and b) talk, in a casual manner, with other parents. See what they say. You might even try to hunt down parents of last year's kids and the year before that and so on. There might be lots of situations like this, or it might be that she managed to get a couple kids in her class this year that are getting on her last haptic nerve. It's a little early in the school year for that, but you never know. If other parents are also feeling that there is undue pressure on the boys, then I would carefully broach the subject with the teacher and possibly the administrators, depending on reactions.

As for the eye patch, I think it falls into the "brook no argument" category, much like seat belts/car seats (but I'm a big-time brook no argument kind of mom) and then let her decorate and accessorize to her heart's content. The ability to offer a pink or a purple patch (or whatever choices float her boat) might be the key to getting through it. We have lots of "But I don't want to X" "I didn't ask." conversations 'round our house.

[Katherine]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better - I hope that trend continues :)

[julia]

1. Now's the time to skip him ahead a year. Problem solved.

2. Didn't you ever watch Bewitched? Of course you must.

[Sarah]

Oh, can't remember the order:

Eye patch - oy vey! My 5 year old (at the time) daughter hated hated hated the bandaid version of the patch, but a friend with a younger child had good success. If she gets glasses and you want a cool pattern for a felt patch that slides over one of the lenses, drop me an email. The best advice we got on patching later on, after we gave up (she's 9, she's stuck at 20/50 in one eye and that's life) was to make all TV time patching time. And up the TV time :)

We socialize excessively with my husband's co-workers. They aren't clients. Not sure if it is the same thing. I like whoever advised not doing it at home.

[Heather S]

I have forgotten how many different meds I tried before finding one that had any sort of effect on my anxiety without putting me in a fog. Lexapro is currently making my life a much happier place but each person's chemistry is different and you may need to try several. Don't give up because I have seen it from the other side and can't imagine going back to the way I felt before.

[Alison]

You know I must love your blog to page through yards of comments just to say that Patrick's Tim Gunn made me laugh out loud. Oh my god you're priceless.

[Mmm]

My daughter's kindergarten experience:

She came home, telling me how the teacher repeatedly yelled at the kids, called them names, and would punish the class over one or two kids' behavior... 'We would've gotten to go outside, but JOEY wouldn't sit on the carpet during storytime!' 'Everyone make sure BEN knows that he ruined it for all of you and don't play with him!'

She didn't want to go to school. I went to back to school night, and saw a few other moms who had the same expression on their faces as i did. One of them randomly asked a few of us if our kids were talking about how much the teacher screamed. In a few minutes we were finishing each other's sentences... the blaming, the name-calling, etc, every single one of us was hearing the exact same thing.

And we all had daughters, all quiet, all well-behaved, who didn't want to go to school.

So with all of this, we went straight to the principal.

The principal told us that we were all making it up, our kids were making it up, the teacher would never do anything like that, to go away. That she would KNOW if anything like that was going on, because she knew everything that was going on in her school. (This is important later.)

We complained to the superintendent, he refused to take our calls. We sent registered letters, got no response.

So nothing got done, except that the teacher then had it in for us, and our kids. I got threatening letters about truancy, because she marked my daughter absent so many times - when she was there - and it was my word against hers that my daughter was in school when the teacher said she wasn't. There mysteriously weren't any books at my daughter's reading level, so i had to buy them for her and send them in. Every day, she came home with a paper filled with her numbers 1-100, because she would finish her work, and rather than find something for her to do, challenge her, help in any way, the teacher told her - every. damn. day. that she had to sit in the corner and write her numbers until the class finished. The other moms had similar stories, but it was ignored, because by that time, we were 'troublemakers'.

So, this school where the principal 'knew everything' that was going on - a part of the special ed department that was right outside her door was brought up on charges of abuse, horrible things, etc.

As a reward for her 'stellar' job, the principal was offered a permanent job at the school and i've gone broke since then paying for private school.

Not that i expect that this will be your experience, but just keep in mind that justice isn't always served, so make sure that this complaint is absolutely worth it to you. I live in an upper-crust area with a reputation for amazing schools. Four mothers coming in with a valid complaint about verbal abuse should've been listened to. Things should have changed. They didn't. And our kids were the losers.

It sounds unbelievable to me now. Thank goodness that 4 years later, my daughter barely remembers anything about it!

[kris (lower case)]

don't wait to see what this teachers issues are...who cares... it is your son you need to worry about. when my son was in 1st grade he had a teacher like this and i did nothing except eventually tell him we just had to get thru the year... it ruined his love of school. it has never come back. and she wasn't as bad as this one sounds. kids should not have to 'suck it up' with a bad teacher. adults maybe, not kids. find out if she has issues and get your son out. and really...who cares what the other parents think. people can be like sheep...bleating and just following the path of the least resistance...

[H]

Hooray for Steve!!! So glad you're trying something that's helping. I do think that a good round of cognitive behavioral therapy can really help the anxiety -- at the very least, go check out the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook at the library and scan through it.

Wow. Question #1 would have me worried. If it were me I'd want to sit next to the principal at some casual event and say "hey, by the way, I've noticed this behavior by my son's teacher and I'm just curious about why she's like this. And do you know she's doing it?" And see what the principal says.

#2 - I pretty much limit interaction with hubby's work colleagues to work-sponsored social events. Every once in awhile we go to a house party or night out, too. But we don't do a lot of that sort of socializing, and none of them are his clients - just coworkers.

[Kez]

I have type 2 bipolar (which means I mainly suffer from depression with a bit of hypomania) and not only does fairly low-dose Zoloft work well on this without sending me hypomanic, it also completely knocks my concurrent anxiety disorder on the head. That said, different meds work differently for everyone IMO and you may have to try a few, or take a combination. But perservere - you will find something that works for you and it will be worth it, believe me. Same with your Someone. I've had three Someones - one okay, one great and one not good. The great one retired on me, dammit.

As for Caroline - if you do decide on the pirate theme, please please PLEASE tell her absolutely NO walking the plank!

[Christina]

#1 Absolutely second and third what other people have said that you shouldn't feel bad about advocating for your child. Do what you need to do. If it was me I'd probably test the water with the teacher but then go to the principal if she didn't look like she was going to be receptive. If you can't change classes you don't want him to be singled out for persecution all year.

#2 We socialise. The wives were all pregnant at the same time and I actually don't know many other young mothers. We have in fact stayed friends (and the workers have stayed workmates) through multiple organisation changes. Obviously an unusual situation, but it has been good for us.

#3 Good luck with that :)

[Pam L]

OK, no time to read all the comments, but I have experience for both questions.

For #1 it was my son,Paul's 7th grade English teacher. After conferring with other parents of boys and talking to her I quickly deduced that A) she should NOT be a middle school teacher, especially as she B) Definitely had a problem with boys. My son was not a problem child and I still got called with serious sounding problems which turned out to be Paul going to his locker after lunch instead of outside when he KNEW he was not supposed to go to his locker. She also decided he was depressed one time because of a poem he wrote for this whole long poetry section. One time Paul left a paper he was working on, that wasn't due for a week, on his desk when he left class and she found it, and kept it, and marked 10 points off it for "no name" when it was even due yet. Paul went back to the classroom to get it and she was holding it in her desk. We went round and round on that one at which point I told her I respectfully disagreed with her and her methods. There were many more silly complaints and phone calls and I went to bat for him when it was important and ignored her when it wasn't. I would talk to Patrick's teacher and just ask her if what you had heard was correct, because certainly a teacher would not punish all of one gender because of an infraction by one member, and not the whole class, including females. I would let her know you've heard what's going on and will be monitoring the situation. Other than that, I would wait and see for now.
The clients and socializing is another issue I have issue with. My DH and I have very big important lawyer clients, who are mostly nice, but almost inbred in their lawyerly ways and he felt we should go along to everything we were invited to for a while. Parties, company picnics, fundraisers (awkward! they have millions, we do not!)Now we are down to one Christmas party a year, for the most part and even that we politely excuse ourselves from when the Karaoke starts and the men start unbuttoning their shirts on the dance floor. DH has figured out that they do not really want to be our friends and that's OK. Me, I just get tired of all the smiling for hours on end, so we now last through drinks and dinner and then make the rounds and leave. Anything more casual between us and our clients is not a good idea I think. We don't need to know that much about each other.

[yasra]

yoga... bluh.

[Heather g]

Paxil takes a while to work fully. If you're noticing improvement after 1 week that's great but normally it takes 3 to 5 weeks to stabilise. I hope you feel back to your "old" self around then. Anxiety and depression are other sides of the same coin.
1. No idea. I tend to be hands off on those things. Teaches them to deal with odd people in later life??
2. If Steve thinks it's important it is. You might find you like them.

[Sam]

There are other anti-anxiety meds. If one works, I say stick with it. That being said, two of them are known for very dramatic and awful withdrawal symptoms. Those are effexor and paxil. Also, you may want to take something for your general well-being and something else in addition for those times when things are rather trying. Xanax has a bad reputation for abuse concerns, but oh my golly does it help with situational anxiety. And even after taking it every day for a period of time, the withdrawal was cake compared to my experience with effexor. Good luck, and better living through pharmaceuticals!

[Sue]

When our son was in Cub Scouts, a group of the parents were at a meeting at our house when the discussion of the boys' current fourth grade teacher came up. She had no classroom control - she was getting old and wore hearing aids which certainly didn't help, was making mistakes on correcting their work, etc. The following morning I went in to warn the principal of an impending onslaught of parents. He spoke with the teacher; her feelings were hurt but in essence she said, "If that's how they feel I'll retire now." And she did.

I am a teacher, retired but working as a sub, and I'm horrified by what is happening at Patrick's school. As I recall this is a special school, and it sounds like his teacher isn't the right fit for the program. That might be your approach to the principal. Ask that he/she just pop into the classroom a few times a day to observe. If it's a new teacher that will be happening anyway, but having a parent ask may push the action sooner. mesue

[GingerB]

Hmmm, I've been waiting to hear how it goes with Someone, as I've been avoiding it - mostly I just don't want to pay to cry and get a headache. You are supposed to be leading my way. And BTW, my special needs child rearing issues are leaving me quite happy with Welbutrin, which is generic and so, cheap. Zoloft had me teeth grinding, but right now, Julia? I wouldn't go back to being unmedicated. It really helps me.

Everyone I know who has had to do patching had vastly greater success the earlier it was done. Now will be much better than age six or something.

And I make my husband go to work related functions with me, so he is stuck amongst lawyers! But I only do it once a year.

[Rebecca]

I took Seroxat for anxiety. It's probably not called that in the States but google it. It was AMAZING.

Eff that teacher :/

[Andi Diehn]

There's a good book called The Trouble With Boys about how boys learn differently, how they are sometimes treated badly for natural inclinations (like needing to move while they think). Might be a good tool to have when approaching possible bias.

[jaybee]

I've found that always having a generic question in my pocket at one of these spouse-related social events gets everyone talking about themselves and then the evening just flows normally. Try:

Take any fun vacations lately?
I'm looking for a new book -- have you read anything interesting lately?

Sounds bizarre to have to use a conversation starter with adults, but it works. Most people like to talk about themselves.

[Bloodsigns.wordpress.com]

A number of years ago now I went through a monumental clinical depression far worse than the blues I'd had a handful of times since high school. I saw someone who specialized not just in the talk therapy I'd had forever with MSW's but a Phd who worked with Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy -- that in combination with some anti-depressants (shortlived) and ulitmately bilateral movement (read: running when I was ambitious -- walking now) -- was really transformative for me. I also read a lot of Pema Chodron ... I wish I could recommend the man I saw (over by the U) but he moved to Australia (thanks Universe).

As for teachers & boys -- we had one of those W's third grade year and I really think it exacerbated W's tendency to dislike school -- I do think that having a supportive environment is key and not being afraid to lobby for a switch of classrooms -- we have a co-parenting situation with another family so all of our decisions with regard to W are almost impossible to make via committee -- so ultimately he stayed where he was which, I think, is a mistake only starting to be rectified two years later...

and socializing? I live in the cave a few mountain ranges past that hollow tree so I'm not much help there.

Pam

[Rebecca]

Hi Julia,
I've been on Paxil for my anxiety for some time now, but if I recall correctly, it takes a couple of weeks (like 4-6) before it takes full effect. And even then it's gradual. You just suddenly realize one day that you've been feeling better and didn't even notice it.
Good luck my dear