Of Falling

Caroline falls asleep on the floor. Sometimes under the bed, sometimes under the side table... once inside an open dresser drawer. I usually check on her around nine; move her into her bed, pull up the quilt, smooth the hair away from her face.

Tonight I took Patrick up to his room. Gave him an apple. Left him with a book.

I kept his door open just a little for the cat and went to Caroline. Her room felt cold and I remembered that she only has the one heating duct and thought it might be time to add a duvet to her bed. Her bed was empty. I checked under it - not there either. I moved to the other side of the room and looked under her little table. My heart started to pound. I looked under the bed again. Felt the piled up quilt, opened her closet door, crouched to peer under the dresser. My heart was racing as I looked toward the window where the shade was drawn. The room was cold.

I shoved the shade out of the way - ripping it - and saw the open window, saw the screen pushed onto the porch roof a few feet below, felt the wet air and I almost threw up.

"Caroline?" I put my head out. I looked along the length of the porch roof. It was so dark. "CAROLINE?"

I ran.

I ran into Patrick's room.

"Caroline's gone. Her window is open. Patrick get daddy."

I ran downstairs. Out the front door. I looked along the front walk, in the bushes - to the right of her window the porch roof drops off two more stories onto a concrete patio. I looked there too.

I ran back inside. Found Steve in the shower. Shouted at him. Shouted nonsense. Tried again, said "Steve my god Steve Caroline's window is open. She's gone. I can't find her. Steve I can't find her."

We searched outside. Called her name. Looked into all the dark edges around the house.

Steve went up to her room. I followed and stood there as he crawled out the window onto the roof, calling her name. Over and over.

Then I heard, "Caroline, Caroline, oh sweetheart, here, I'm coming, Daddy's right here, I'm coming."

And he was handing her through the window to me, wet and dirty, holding her pink blankie. She had been crouched in front of Patrick's window on the porch roof, twenty feet away from us. Had she fallen asleep out there?

I held her for a long time. Tucked her into bed. Told her to never ever climb out the window again. Told her I loved her more than salt.

And then we double-locked every goddamned window in this house.

This is a post of thanks I suppose. An acknowledgement that something unthinkable could have happened, almost happened, did not happen. We were luckier than we deserved to be. How did she open that window? I may never sleep again. Caroline, strong tiny beautiful, Caroline, alone in the dark on a wet sloping roof. I will never sleep again.

But I can be grateful. And I can tell you to go lock your windows, too, just in case.

Comments

[Priscilla]

oh.my.god. so glad everyone is safe.

[Smumzie]

oh my gawd. I have tears in my eyes over this! I have twins on the way (boy and girl) and I love to read about your kids (hoping mine turn out as adorable and fun!). My heart is still racing. Thank goodness you found her. What a scare.

She is quite a little monkey, that one. Glad she's safe. Wow.

[Angela]

Oh sweetheart.

[Karen]

Oh, my God. This is one of my parental fears. What a little monkey. So glad she is safe and sound.

[Kath]

goosebumps
but sending thanks up for you and your family
what a beautiful little rig she is and I am so glad she is safe.

[Toni]

Gads. I think you just lost years off your life.

BTW, I just checked all my windows...

[Emily]

Oh my god Julia! How terrifying!!! I'm so very, very glad you found her safe....

[Kathy]

OMG. I'm so glad you found her and she was fine. And I hope your heart stops pounding at some point (soon hopefully) and you're able to sleep again.

[katherine]

Julia, tears are in my eyes, too. So so relieved everything turned out ok, but I know how this is just the last thing you (and your poor anxious heart) need these days.

I live in an apartment in NYC, and window guards are required by law. They are god-awful ugly, but I am so very glad for them, because my daughter is a menace of (nearly) Caroline-ian proportions. Maybe installing them will grant you a little bit of sleep...

[jen]

Oh. I just. I can't hardly breathe reading this and thinking what you must have felt. I am so very glad she is safe. And I am going to check our windows even though we only have one story.

[Lisa]

While reading this, I was waiting for the punchline....your usual witty comments. They never came. Thank you for sharing this horrifying moment....I am double checking my windows!

Years from now when she is all grown up, maybe preparing for college or for her own little blessing to arrive, you will remind her of this moment and everyone will laugh! Or, you can lock her away in her bedroom with bars over the windows until she's old enough to go through menopause!

[Beth]

I'm so glad she's OK. I hope soon you'll be OK, too. Hugs to you Mama.

[rose]

She is amazing.

[Deanna]

I just threw up a little. SO many hugs for you. Every parent has a story like this. It's going to be okay.

[janonymous]

Yeah, this made me kind of want to throw up, too. I was really hoping it would end, "And then we found her curled up in bed with Edward, ha ha ha." But I'm glad she's safe. And I will have nightmares on your behalf.

[kara]

Oh I hope you will be okay. But I cannot imagine the amount of anxiety you must have about this little one. . .over and above the usual anxiety you've touched on a little. I won't blame you a bit for not being able to sleep, but I also don't know how you'll dare to take your eyes off of her for even a minute during the day either. I've heard of adventurous toddlers. The climbers, the escape artists, the hiders. But I'm not sure I've heard of one who has all of those combined (oh plus nudist tendancies), and at such an intensity. She is one of the most adorable little girls I've ever seen, and from the stories you tell, one of the most entertaining, funny, and smart toddlers as well. So I guess it's a double edged sword that all of that good stuff comes with the daredevil stuff. But my word. Have you thought about getting a full time body guard for her? You know, not someone to keep weirdos away from her but to keep her own tendancies in check? I'd be pretty tempted by something like that, to keep her safe at least until she's 18 or so.

[sarah k]

oh I don't think I breathed while I read this post. I am thanking God your precious little girl is safe. You are a great mother. You just can't be everywhere at the same time. She is okay. Hope you can sleep tonight.

[Jane]

julia, i'm crying! my babe is turning 2 next month and is definitely more the cautious eddy-bear type. just feeling your fear, though, god so horribly sick, can't even type coherently... ugggggghhhh and thank GOD for sure-footed monkey girls.

[Elsha]

How awful! I'm so glad she is safe!

[Jen]

Makes me thankful to live in a one-story house. SO glad you found her, that she is safe and sound. Sleep well, with those locked windows.

[Elizabeth]

I stopped breathing while reading your post.

I'm so glad you found her safe and sound.

Off to check windows, doors and locks.

You are a good mom. Thanks for posting.

[haitian american family of three]

I felt like throwing up from reading that. CHILD LOCK THE WINDOWS. I will make sure we put extra locks on ours. So glad she is ok.

[Sharon]

My heart is pounding just reading this. Julia, I am so glad she is ok. You are GREAT parents and she is clearly a really smart, curious, adventurous little girl. Did I mention she's obviously very smart? What a combo. She is going to be a force to be reckoned with!

I'm so so so glad you checked on her when you did. I'm sending thanks out, too, that everything is ok. This is going to throw you for a loop for a bit, but you'll be ok. I don't know you, but I so wish I could bring you a drink of your choice and just sit with you for a bit. Hang in there. Hugs from another mom out there...

[Gina]

Oh geeze. I am both impressed by her ambition and ingenuity and horrified by how scary that could have turned out.

Besides window guards, what about investing in a video baby monitor? They have some decent ones at Target. That way you could take a peek at her any time you wanted. We have one and mounted it on the ceiling in the kids' bedroom so that they can't interfere with it. (It was mounted on a shelf above the crib, but it turned out that location was like putting candy in front of the little one who loves to climb - he made a game out of climbing up after every nap to retrieve it and wave at us to come get him).

[Lara]

Oh my goodness! Thankful she is OK.

[mama without instructions]

oh my heavens. that is terrifying! i'm so glad she's okay but honestly i'm more worried about you. take care and i sincerely hope you can sleep again, ever. whew, deep breaths.

[Ruth]

Oh. Oh, oh, OH. I am tearing up reading this, and so, so grateful that all was right in the end. We've had some terrifyingly close calls ourselves, and they leave you shaken and grateful to the core.

She is such a sweet, daring, darling girl. Hugs to all of you.

[Melissa H]

Whoa! I was scared enough for her without realizing at first she was on the second floor! Only up side i can see is that she is clearly a very competent and sure footed little climber (not that you ever want to test that again).

Glad she is safe. You deserve a BIG glass of wine.

[A]

I am so glad she is ok! What a terrifying story - I cannot imagine living through it. I am wishing you peace tonight.

[yasra]

you know what? I think Caroline is the most amazing explorer ever. I think she might grow up to sail solo across the Atlantic, or climb remote mountains, wrestling bears all the way up.

I'm glad she's okay :) we need adventurers like her!

[Leah]

I am glad Caroline is fine and I hope you are too. Crazy kid!

[Erin]

Oh, Julia... that made my heart stop. I'm so sorry you all went through that. So glad she's ok. SO glad.

[Jamila]

Oh. my. God. I kept waiting for you to say "And then I woke up and decided to revisit the idea of anti-anxiety medication with my new Someone." That was REAL?!?! OMG, how terrifying. I'm so glad your brave, fearless girl was OK.

[reenie]

So glad she's safely back inside! My stomach hurts. My big fear is children falling off of something and being hurt badly (or worse) and reading about the concrete patio two stories down really almost made me throw up. My goodness - so so glad she's ok. Parenting is so scary sometimes.

[Kelly]

Shit. I am so glad she's safe. Take a deep breath!

[MFA Mama]

Oh gawd, I almost threw up reading this. I feel like *I* need anxiety meds now and can only imagine the gut-punch this must have been for you. And you have The Feelings about the children falling, too! AAAAAGHHHHH kids! I'm so glad she's okay.

[Shannon]

Holy CRAP! I, too, was waiting for the punchline, or at least saying you found her asleep in the bathroom or something (one of my brother's favorite odd places places to sleep). SO glad she's OK!

[Kat]

Oh dear what have you in heaven. Thanks to G-d, gods, goddess, Jesus, Mohammed, Krishna, whatever. I am astounded and crying with you.

[Becky]

I'm pretty sure a virtual hug from a stranger in WI won't help much but I feel the need to send one anyway. So thankful Caroline is okay. Hoping you can get some rest tonight.

[kate]

I have never cried over one of your posts before

[cathy]

dear god. i am grateful tonight that your baby is safe. i've never read one of your posts so quickly - i couldn't breathe and just wanted to get to the end to see that she was ok. thank god this story had a happy ending.

[lolismum]

My heart skipped a few beats reading this. Oh my word. I don't think I'll sleep either. Poor you.

[parodie]

There are no words. Wow. I'm... happy it turned out so well.

[Ashlee]

Jesus H. I'm in tears. I'm speechless. Gah.

So glad that everything is ok. I'm express ordering the window guards I've been meaning to get for forever.

[shadymama]

sometimes i am only the smallest bit psychic. what came to me through that squinty third eye when i read this was: you and caroline, 20 years from now, sitting at a lovely, scratched and wooden kitchen table, swirling glasses of wine and laughing. you are telling all the stories of how she seemed to have cost you yer cardiovascular well being in her younger years. she is laughing, and listening, but slightly rolling her eyes at the sheer and expansive explosive-filled fields of parental terror you describe. but you, you are sometimes only the smallest bit psychic too. you smile back, say, "just.you.wait."

and, 7 years later? you are absolutely right.
sloppy kisses.

[Sam]

I'm so glad that she is safe. And now I'm going to throw up my dinner.

[Becky]

So glad everything is OK!

[Lise]

Oh God. Horrifying. I feel sick just reading about it. I'm so glad she's okay. I wish I could give you a hug. Breathe.

[Kathryn T]

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

[bethany actually]

Oh my God. THANK GOD. Thank you God that this was not an entirely different post.