Of Falling

Caroline falls asleep on the floor. Sometimes under the bed, sometimes under the side table... once inside an open dresser drawer. I usually check on her around nine; move her into her bed, pull up the quilt, smooth the hair away from her face.

Tonight I took Patrick up to his room. Gave him an apple. Left him with a book.

I kept his door open just a little for the cat and went to Caroline. Her room felt cold and I remembered that she only has the one heating duct and thought it might be time to add a duvet to her bed. Her bed was empty. I checked under it - not there either. I moved to the other side of the room and looked under her little table. My heart started to pound. I looked under the bed again. Felt the piled up quilt, opened her closet door, crouched to peer under the dresser. My heart was racing as I looked toward the window where the shade was drawn. The room was cold.

I shoved the shade out of the way - ripping it - and saw the open window, saw the screen pushed onto the porch roof a few feet below, felt the wet air and I almost threw up.

"Caroline?" I put my head out. I looked along the length of the porch roof. It was so dark. "CAROLINE?"

I ran.

I ran into Patrick's room.

"Caroline's gone. Her window is open. Patrick get daddy."

I ran downstairs. Out the front door. I looked along the front walk, in the bushes - to the right of her window the porch roof drops off two more stories onto a concrete patio. I looked there too.

I ran back inside. Found Steve in the shower. Shouted at him. Shouted nonsense. Tried again, said "Steve my god Steve Caroline's window is open. She's gone. I can't find her. Steve I can't find her."

We searched outside. Called her name. Looked into all the dark edges around the house.

Steve went up to her room. I followed and stood there as he crawled out the window onto the roof, calling her name. Over and over.

Then I heard, "Caroline, Caroline, oh sweetheart, here, I'm coming, Daddy's right here, I'm coming."

And he was handing her through the window to me, wet and dirty, holding her pink blankie. She had been crouched in front of Patrick's window on the porch roof, twenty feet away from us. Had she fallen asleep out there?

I held her for a long time. Tucked her into bed. Told her to never ever climb out the window again. Told her I loved her more than salt.

And then we double-locked every goddamned window in this house.

This is a post of thanks I suppose. An acknowledgement that something unthinkable could have happened, almost happened, did not happen. We were luckier than we deserved to be. How did she open that window? I may never sleep again. Caroline, strong tiny beautiful, Caroline, alone in the dark on a wet sloping roof. I will never sleep again.

But I can be grateful. And I can tell you to go lock your windows, too, just in case.

Comments

[Eva]

I almost threw up just reading that. Julia, maybe your anxiety is honestly come by...

[Chaya]

That must have been terrifying. It made me think of the time my sister was Caroline's age, when we saw her casually enter the house via the back door, to the astonishment of a family that thought she was still in her crib. She had climbed out her bedroom window and made a 6-foot drop into rosebushes. She has survived to adulthood.

[arabelladonn]

How horrifying for you.

My baby is 18 years old, and after reading this, I went upstairs to check on him. Just ... in case. And, I made sure his window was locked, too.

So glad everything turned out OK.

[Rachel]

Install bars on the upstairs windows ASAP. All of the windows, not just Caroline's bedroom. And make sure there is not enough space between them for her to slip through. Don't think of it as "jail bars", as they do come in patterns that can look quite decorative. Where I live, bars on the window are a common architectural feature, both for overall security (keep people from breaking in) as well as children's safety.

Thank God this tragedy did not occur.

[terri c]

How absolutely terrifying. I hope Steve held YOU for a long time, and I am so glad Caroline is OK.

[Ellen]

As others have said...I was waiting for the punchline. I am so sorry for you and your husband because Caroline will forget this. Thank God she is okay. Cyper hugs to you.

[Nee in Germany]

What a horrifying experience for you. I am glad your little monkey is ok.

I am picturing a Caroline-crate in your room, and when CPS comes calling, you can just point them to this blog, and they will hand you a padlock and a gold star. :)

[Hetty Fauxvert]

OMG. Thankful prayers here that she is all right. Good God, I can't even imagine that.

Um... have you comsidered just NAILING her window shut? Yikes....

[GingerB]

Holy shit. She makes my daughters seem so blessedly dull. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I wish you sleep.

[Juisarian]

Oh my!! There are not enough exclamation marks to comment on this situation.
Your girl is precious.

[tgsdmom]

Wow. Scary. So glad she's fine.

[yasmina]

checked windows, all of them, thank you so much for the warning. still crying. sorry, so sorry for this episode.

[RocketGrl]

Oh. My. God. Yikes.

I was the daredevil climber and my brother could sleep anywhere, including UNDER those round clothes racks at the departments stores, but your gal does bath. My heart pounds. BTW 18 is too early to release the bodyguard. How about 29?

[grace413]

How horrific. I would have been in a total panic. My daughter is now a teen but in her toddlerhood, she was also an escape artist.

I'm so happy the story had a happy ending.

[winecat]

OMG, my heart was in my throat. What if she'd fallen. Beautiful, precious Caroline, I'm amazed you can even write about it.

I'd say put bars on that child's windows but knowing Caroline she'd find a way to dismantle them.

[Sarah]

I imagine the fire department will have advice about window bars--there must be some that they can tear off in a hurry and children cannot. I also see electronic window alarms on the Internet and those might be good, and even an electronic alert for the front door. You could take the portable ones to a motel with you or to the farm. I will think about this all day!

[quine]

Another one in tears here. so glad she's safe. If it makes all of us feel sick, goodness knows what it's done to you - I do hope you are ok. xxx.

[Andrea]

More tears here...Words cannot express how relieved I was to hear that Caroline was OK! When I think about alternative endings....there are no words.

Lots of hugs to you and Caroline.

[Beth]

Oh God, the moment you had to check the concrete patio 2 stories below...how many years of your life did that cost? (Hell, it may have cost *my* life at least a couple of months!)

Sweet Caroline, don't scare your parents that way! So, so relieved with you!

[VHMPrincess]

jeez o pete, I think that story took years off MY life. THANK GOODNESS you went to check on her!!!

[J (in Ottawa)]

I am crying too. So, so relieved that she is okay, and so sorry that you had to go through that.

[N]

Oh my god. I'm so glad she's okay.

[Debbie in the UK]

Oh goodness, this is not going to do your anxiety levels any good at all, because how you will be haunted with the "what ifs". It's YOU I feel for. Poor Julia, but Caroline is fine.

xx

[tash]

I feel like I may throw up now. There was a different ending looming.

The windows in my three story house (all with cute window seats) are really giving me the willies as I stare at my toddler to be. For some reason Bella never expressed interest in them, or independently moving around and so I never worried. And then the bad thing happened, and now I stare at them like death traps. Beautiful, leaded, death traps. I'm having my husband read this and then I'm googling "window safety bars."

[JennG]

I'm so glad she's okay.

When my son did something similar (let himself out the front door and played in the road) my husband said, after we all calmed down some, "we have to remember that this is how 95% of these things end...with a family story about how freaked out we all were."

I don't know if that's comforting to you but it was to me.

[Sami]

Oh my goodness! Wow... I'm so thankful to hear that Caroline is alright. She definitely keeps you on your toes!

[Moosilaneous]

Praise God and Pass the Tequila never seemed more apt.
If it were not 7:23 AM on a weekday, I'd be headed for a restorative drink, just from reading that.

Her angels have to work overtime, that's for sure. Please accept another virtual hug or glass of Malbec.

[Amber]

I feel like I am going to throw up now. ohmygoodnessthatchild.

So happy she is ok.

[Anita]

Oh, lord. Thank god it turned out ok.

[chris]

I started to speed read this post to make sure she ended up safe!! What horror to have to go through, despite the happy ending. It's no wonder you have anxiety sweetie!

[Christina]

Hope you are both ok. Love from me (stranger but mother) to you.

[Crystal]

Oh, Julia....

I'm so glad she is safe.

You're okay, Mama bear, and she is too. Part cat, 9 lives, a few to spare, and she clung to the roof....

She's a wonder. She may turn you gray with worry, and wrinkled with joy. :)

[Life in Eden]

Hugs. Just hugs, lots of them.

[Casey]

Oh, Julia, my heart is really with you right now. There are no words...except, of course, that I am--along with everyone else--so very, very glad that Caroline is all right. That you are all right. Thinking of you.

[Rachel]

I am glad this story has a happy ending. Somewhat removed from the horror of the moment, all I can think is what a strong adventurous little person you have the honor of raising to adulthood. Just think what great brave things she is going to accomplish.

[Angie]

I'm really glad Caroline is safe.

[Betty M]

Wow - that was very very scary. So glad everything was OK in the end. Definitely consult the fire dept before sticking bars everywhere as you may need to get out of those windows too.

[babelbabe]

sweet holy mother of God, I nearly vomited reading this. Julia, poor Julia. and Caroline. God almighty, I am glad she is ok. xo

[Jessica]

I am crying and hugging my toddler and thanking God we live in a one story house with child locks on the windows.

[Denise]

I'll never sleep again, either. You poor, poor thing. I've been going through something similar recently--saw my youngest almost get plowed over in a crosswalk (someone else was crossing w/ him) and now can't stop thinking about it. The fact that nothing happened and everything's fine doesn't lessen the horror when you're a mom, does it? Oh, but I'm so glad she's OK.

[Kate]

Jesus. I had to skip to the end when I got to the screen to make sure it was going to have a happy ending. My heart is still racing, and it wasn't even my kid. So so glad that everything turned out okay.

[thalia]

Thank goodness she is safe. How absolutely terrifying.

[Diane]

I cannot imagine how terrified you must have felt. How horrible. So very glad to know she is safe!

[Lynnette]

OMG.

[Leandra]

Oh my God my heart was racing as I read this. Thank God there was a happy ending!

[liza]

oh my god. i almost threw up just reading this. so very very glad she is ok and i hope that someday your heart recovers.

[TeacherMommy]

Oh my god. How many guardian angels does she have?!?!?!

So very, very glad she is safe.

[Daisy]

My heart was in my throat for that entire post.

BIG exhale. I'm so glad your little monkey is ok.

[SaraC]

So glad she was okay and so sorry for the fear that you had to go through to find her. Thank you God for taking care of her on her escapades!

[Robin]

Your story made me feel sick. I think every mother can imagine that feeling a little too easily. Thanks for the safety reminder, really.