Somewhat Lower

So, yeah, we could not find Caroline and when we finally located her she was on the roof. Sort of says it all, doesn't it?

In retrospect - once she was asleep and I had checked on her four times and Steve put some pants on and we both had a Scotch - I realized a few things. I realized that we should have thought to lock her windows. Because, of course, Caroline would climb on the window sill. And, of course, once she was up there she would then be able to combine Cirque du Soleil balance with gecko-like adhesion and truly insane upperbody strength to push up the pane no matter how much it swells with humidity. And, of course, having gotten the window open and the screen out she would then peer into the chilly, inky night and think "What ho! Better investigate the roof!"

Menace Girl, indeed.

I also realized that when I discovered she was gone with only one probable exit I should have used that exit to start to look for her. At the time I was blinded by a suffocating image of her lying on the ground below me, broken, but a more methodical search would have been better. Steve pointed out after we found her on the roof that it had been stupid of us to call for her from the ground - what if she had tried to come closer to the edge when she heard us? A lot of what ifs. What if I had gone to check on her two hours later? What if she had turned right rather than left and gone over that edge? What if she had slipped tripped or decided to practice jumping? What if she had fallen asleep and rolled? What if she hadn't done any of this and the window had actually been opened by a stranger who had taken her? What if... I can do this for hours. 

On the other hand it seems ungrateful to perseverate on every hideous possible outcome when the actual ending to the most frightening fifteen minutes of my life involved a sodden, filthy Caroline beaming around the room at us (Steve: naked and paler than death; Patrick: twisting his hands into knots on her floor; me: shaking and hyperventilating and squeezing her hard enough to pop off her head) and asking if we all wanted to join her in the cuddle cave? We did.

[A cuddle cave is when you pull a blanket over yourself (and preferably a friend) and when Caroline isn't jimmying open windows she loves them.]

What NEXT? That is what worries me with Caroline. It's not the deviltry we know that scares me so much as what she is pondering while we are fastening the exits. Steve can make those windows so secure that even light won't be able to get out but who knows what she will get up to next time. Krissy in the comments talked about leveling up - like when the baby decides to roll for the first time at the exact moment you turn your back for a second and he's on the changing table - and with Edward and Patrick, two cautious souls, they - the next level has always been achieved after a great deal of toe dipping. Caroline's strides are more atomic and...

I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE WAS ON THE ROOF.

All she needed was a snake up there with her and it would have triangulated into my perfect nightmare. Aaaaahhhhh aaaaaaahhhhh aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

She's fine though. Completely unfazed. A little been there, done that; like,"Ah yes, the roof, Edward. Have you... no?" Smirk.

Caroline has a dramatic streak in her that appeals to my own and I like seeing what she comes up with when I ask her to show me different moods. This is the face she makes when I ask for mysterious. I guess the mystery is why she has her eyes shut?

You can tell her chin is a little worse for wear after her adventures. I am trying not to think about causality. This is her mad face.

This is surprised-but-happy.

This is curl your tongue.

Not sure when that one will come in hand but I suppose it's always nice to have variety in one's repertoire.

In other much less heart-stopping news Caroline and Edward started preschool. I'm surprised by how much of a non-event this has been, especially for Edward who decided about three weeks ago that he was only happy when I am wearing him as a hat. Seriously. He is in the throws of the most major mommy-attachment phase I have ever witnessed and I dreaded what I anticipated as horrendous separation anxiety when I left him at preschool. But he's been fine. I mean, he got teary when I left today but he's been fine at pick-up and the teachers don't seem significantly older after a morning with him so I assume he settles down with all the cars and trucks after I leave. Caroline didn't bother to say goodbye this morning and all weekend she talked about Miss Whosit and Miss Whatsit and how they must be missing her. She has a very healthy sense of self.

I was supposed to See Someone yesterday but she was ill and rescheduled for this afternoon. I am - not surprisingly I guess - worried about it. I am worried about what I will say and how this could possibly work and I am worried about how I will come across.

Here. True story. About anxiety.

Steve and I went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Our return flight was supposed to take us from Maui to Honolulu and then to the Cities. But it was delayed for hours in Maui and we watched as they worked on one of the engines. Finally they boarded us and flew us to Honolulu where we were delayed for additional hours while they worked on the plane some more. Eventually we took off and were in the air for whatever it was... four hours?... when they announced that they were experiencing a mechanical problem and as we were just that tiny bit closer to Hawaii than California they were turning the plane around and heading back to Honolulu. Which they did and as we landed we saw all the emergency equipment on the tarmac waiting for us.

Scary, sure, but not completely awful. At the time though I was absolutely convinced that the plane was going to crash and I refused to get back on it. Categorically. Refused. My logic was that we were on our honeymoon and that added a tragic glamour to the whole thing that Fate would be unable to ignore and therefore we were literally doomed. So I insisted that we get tickets on a different plane. One-way tickets to Minneapolis from Honolulu in January with three hours notice. Which... what? I think it cost almost as much as the wedding and when I recently asked Steve why he enabled this lunarific behavior (I'm really not psychic. why would I decide that I was?) he just looked at me like a long-suffering golden retriever.

Anyway I have my appointment today and although it is not entirely unreasonable for me to fear that my children will fall (AHEM) it is unreasonable to never take them to a playground (AHEM.)    

Three different Edward moods, all of them - unlike his sister's - sincere.

Amused

Very amused

Not amused

Thank you so much for your comments. It made me feel better to share how scared I had been and it was even nicer to be wrap up afterwards in your concern and kindness. Very much appreciated.

Comments

[AR]

The first time I went to the doctor for anxiety issues, I was so worried I made my husband go with me. And then I was so worried about not being able to tell her how things were for me that I made him promise to tell her the bad stuff, even if I couldn't. And then, the day of the appointment, I was so worried about seeing the doctor that I tried to convince my husband that we shouldn't in fact go, and that I was just fine. Nonetheless, he made me go, and phew. That's all. Just phew.

[SarahB]

What a great post.

Re: therapy: Remember, for once it your life, it is all about you. Enjoy it.

[Sydnew]

Therapy is a lovely thing. I think of it as a massage for the mind. There's really truly not much to be scared of. (I'm assuming you're seeing a therapist?)

[~Sacha]

I've said it before, but here it is. THerapy helping me think through anxiety has been life changing. SSRI's have been almost as good. Diabetics do not worry whether they *should* take insulin. Take your medicine, be it chemical or talk therapy.

It will get better. So. Much. Better.

[Katy]

I can only imagine how scared you were. Thank goodness she is okay.

I wish you well with the "seeing someone" and hope it works out as nicely as my new "someone" is working out. I also have struggled with anxiety my entire life, mostly manageable except in a few key areas (winter driving being one). However, a recent trauma (our house was hit by lightning and caught on fire; all are okay; but we had to move out for 7 weeks while the house was restored) moved my anxiety from "manageable" into "debilitating". Enter the new therapist (lovely and helpful); the introduction of meds (too soon to tell); and the beginning of some post-trauma interventions. I am hopeful that my anxiety will soon be manageable again.
And oh, I totally understand your buying 2 new tickets. Makes perfect sense to me. ;)

[Joy]

I agree with everyone. Therapy is helpful. I was told i had excessive anxiety when I thought I'd always been depressed. I was already taking the antidepressants so what's one more? I said yes to the anti-anxiety medicine and while I don't feel it at all, my life is SO MUCH BETTER. So much. Better. It has had a distinct effect on my body, places I did not know were tense have loosened up and it's like Me 2.0. Way better. You don't have to suffer, get help if you can, we love you, amen.

[Cris]

I saw my "someone" last night for the first time (thank you for the last push I needed to actually schedule someone). I think it was good. It was kind of hard to push past my normal "this happened, but its not the worst thing in the world. I recognize that other people have it a lot harder" reflex. She actually said "I call bullshit on that, because this is what happened to you and yes, its pretty bad, so lets just deal with that rather than other people." Which was nice to hear, in spite of the enormous amount of snot generated by my crying in the session.

For some reason I still had the kleenex in my purse this morning as proof of my extreme snot production when I ran into Stephanie at our twice yearly volunteer thingy - its the only time we see each other. And who did we talk about? Caroline on the ROOF. Because, you see, we only see each other every six months, but we both read your posts weekly. Hi Stephanie! Strange world, isn't it?

[Smumzie]

So, I hadn't quite thought it through when I read last post but I suppose if Steve had taken the time to throw some clothes on that night, you'd have mentioned it. I'm trying to picture that scenario at my house...child I'd fought so hard to have finally here, precocious and daring and ... gone. At night. Would my husband have put something on before climbing out the window onto the roof? Hmmmm...interesting thought.

So - anxiety. I had it for years until I found someone to talk to who worked it through with me. We discovered that the source of my anxiety was my "what if" tendencies. And the solution was for me to play the "what if" game all the way through. And my biggest fear was "what if something happened to my husband (who I'd waited 39 freakin years to finally find)?" It scared the hell out of me but once I had figured out the worst that could happen and put a plan in place for what I would do if it did, I could breathe again.

Now when I have those terrifying nightmares and awake feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest, I take 10 deep breaths pulling it in slowly and deeply, then letting the breath fall out of me "as if there's a feather on the tip of my nose and I'm trying not to disturb it." It takes quite a bit of concentration and switches my focus.

Then I picture myself walking up to a chalk board and drawing the number 1 and writing the word "sleepy" next to it. Then I see myself erasing it and writing a 2 (and the word sleepy again) and so on, until I literally bore myself to sleep.

It usually works. I hope they might help you, too.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Perhaps enrolling Caroline in gymnastics would...uhhh...I don't know...get the death-defying stunts out of her with the supervision of trained professionals and a net. And you would not have to be there watching.

I still think of the phot0 you took with the bookcase up against a half-wall overlooking a two-story foyer. The stuff of nightmares.

[Clarabella]

WHOA, Edward looks just like Patrick in that last picture. I never saw it so clearly before.
I am perhaps the opposite of you in the anxiety department, being laid-back almost to the point of neglect, perhaps. ALMOST. But still, the story of Caroline on the roof makes my heart constrict. So glad all is well with her.
Good luck with your appointment. (And, for what it's worth, even with my almost catatonic laid-backness, lack of superstition & obnoxious optimism, I don't think I would have gotten back on that plane out of Hawaii either. Sometimes the universe IS trying to tell you something.)

[TeacherMommy]

I like the idea of a cuddle cave. So perhaps we, your loving commenters, are rather like a virtual cuddle cave? I like to think so.

I've also been there, done that with the anxiety (and also the anxiety-incurring proneness to dangerous situations, though with far less intent than Menace Girl) and had to be on medication for a while (not just for that) and also went to therapy (also not just for that) and am ever so much better now. Though still prone to anxiety dreams, which apparently sometimes lead to my huddling naked in the fetal position. MTL says this leads to a rather attractive view of my bum, but he worries about what's going on in my sleeping head. Also I mutter and say nonsensical things and then he has to wake me and assure me that I am, in fact, merely mildly insane rather than about to be kicked out of the house due to financial insolvency. Which isn't even reality, so that tells you something.

But then, he's dealt with major anxiety issues as well and therefore is quite comforting at such times. With a nice touch of humor to make me laugh.

I think he's my cuddle cave.

[Danielle]

I wish you all the best on your "Seeing Someone." From my own experience, it is actually a huge relief (when I've found a good someone to see), and in my humble internet opinion, it can only help to have another opportunity to get the horror of Caroline's recent roof foray off of your chest.

Enjoy ... and I do mean that.

[Erika]

Oh, cuddle cave. How sweet...

re: unreasonable (or not) fears--last month, we were coming back from vacation at my in-laws back east. We had one of those little jets, one step up from a turbo-prop, so I was already tense. We were coming in for our landing into Madison and about 200 ft above ground when we started going up again. The flight attendant said "I'm not sure what happened there, I think we ran into some wind." We then went up over central Wisconsin, circled around, and they tried it again. It sounds simple when I write it, but at the time I was having the same "Family dies in plane crash after summer vacation. 7 yr old was to start 2nd grade tomorrow" headline fears.

I'm so there with you.

[Sarah]

Good luck with the "someone." I've only done a few sessions of talk therapy, in the throes of IF treatment when our siblings were producing our 5 older nieces and nephews, and man did it help to hear that my response to crazy wasn't crazy.

ANd anxiety sucks. I hope you find something that works for you. And you are right, having anxiety about your child falling off a roof is not misplaced, but the playground might be. Good luck!

[Jennifer]

I wholeheartedly support "seeing someone". It helps, in oh so many ways.

[amanda]

OHHH good thoughts for you today. it doesn't have to go well, though if it does that is a bonus. if you do not click with her or him, you can try another. i am hoping it is perfect though.

[Sash]

Oh!
Edward looks just like Patrick in that last picture!
Both munchkins are adorable, of course.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

Oh my goodness I echo the shock and awe of how much Edward looks like Patrick in that last photo. It's uncanny. He usually just looks like Edward. It could be that you have simply posted more photos of Patrick with that amused-free facial expression. Patrick's long-sufferingness is one of the things I adore most about him. Also, of course, pictures of when he is in a hat he has sewn himself.

Anxiety: Throw me in with the crowd who "Saw Someone", got a brain massage and medicated and life was about eighty-billion kadjillion times better. I started with a therapist when I was 13 and finally finished when I was 33. Only 20 years of regular therapy! I also was able to go off of medication after a number of years so, if your doc recommends it, do not think it's a lifetime commitment. You use it when you need it and ditch it when you don't.

Also, please remember that going to a therapist is a lot like cleaning out a closet. When you pull all the stuff out into the room it's the messiest, most horrible thing ever. There usually comes a point when you say "Oh my god why did I even START this?" and eat brownies but afterward it's such a relief. SUCH a relief. You will be able to find your mental shoe that goes with the other shoe you couldn't find for years.

Re: death plane. Flying being a particular bugaboo of mine, my husband would not have indulged the buying a new ticket (although I would have tried like blazes) but there is no way you would have gotten me back on DEATH HONEYMOON PLANE without getting me properly, and I mean PROPERLY, smashed first. As in barely-able-to-maintain-verticality smashed.

So, A) I think your anxiety about death plane was reasonable B) I am glad that seeing someone went well and I'm glad that enforced perspective is not to be tolerated (we all have to deal with stuff from our own point of view) C) it is so marvelous to see pictures of Miss C sassing it up that I am simply verklempt.

[Karen]

I was diagnosed with an anxiety and panic disorder (two for the price of one!) when I was in college and when I went to "see someone" it didn't end very well. He told me that I should create some calm place in my mind to go to when I was trying to fall asleep or in other situations when I typically had panic attacks but, instead of calming me down, it would send me into this spiral of "why am I going to the "calm place", oh right - because I have panic attacks" and then I'd go and have a panic attack. Not the result that was intended, I'm sure. I eventually lied and told the guy I was all better. So I'm wishing you much better luck!

I am much much better now, by the way...I think having someone acknowledge that I had this disorder actually helped. I no longer felt like I must be dying of something every time my heart started to race and my throat closed up. I knew what was wrong with me and I was fairly confident it wouldn't kill me. Of course, I don't have kids yet and I have a definite inkling that I will have to go back to "someone" once I do or I will be a very overprotective mother.

[m]

Oh I loved therapy. After the initial horror of what.might.happen. Would I start crying and never be able to stop? Actually, that's as far as I got, but that fear overwhelmed me. Once I got into it, it was awesome. Someone paid to sit and listen to you, full attention, fully discussing what bothers you and only you.
Even after that great experience, when I decided to attend a support group, I still sat in the car for thirty minutes before my first meeting, shaking.

[jen w]

Just a curious question, does Caroline have a consequence when she does something dangerous?? I know she is very young, and may not understand what is and is not dangerous, but I think it's important for her to know it is not acceptable to do something that puts yourself into harms way. Maybe she needs a consequence of some sort. She is so adorable, it would be difficult, but if she is like my daughter, she might think she is cute and gets lot of attention for her escapades!!

[Sabrina]

My Kael and your Caroline could change the earths rotation with their shenanigans, I'm sure. No joke, the hospital recognises us on sight and I swear poison control does as well. They're just SMART and inquisitive, these kids of ours. They don't make a child safety lock my son hasn't been able to get through from the age of two, and that isn't an exaggeration. If I can open it, he can open it. So now our meds are in a padlocked tackle box with the key on husbands key ring, which the kids never see so can't steal. The windows all have big long screws keeping them from being fully opened. Our front door has a deadbolt at adult height ( but that won't stop a kid with a chair in the middle of the night) as well as a LOUD beep alarm when it's opened. So does the back door. You control what you can, Mama, and hope for the best with the rest of it. It's all you can do.

[Anne]

Two things: The idea of Edward beaming beatifically while wearing you as a hat--made my day. I have a 15 month old who is going through the same thing, and while it is sweet in its way it also means I never get the laundry done.

The other thing: I actually am a therapist, and please remember--therapists went into the field BECAUSE they like to hear about people's issues and help them unravel and sort through them. You are not going to be putting your Someone to any inconvenience by explaining your anxieties to them. There is also a reason why every therapist's office in the entire world has a box of tissues in it--you are allowed to cry, sob, snot, etc. It will not make your therapist uncomfortable. If you have difficulty explaining yourself and fumble around for the right words, you will not make your therapist uncomfortable. I actually find it really exhilarating to jump in with a client and work together to come up with solutions to the things that are bothering them. It's like a little high, if you can picture that.

(And as a disclaimer--for the perhaps 1% of therapists who would be uncomfortable in the above situations--you have the power to say, or write, to them, "I think this is not working, thank you but I am moving on.")

Good luck!

[JennG]

Julia, I haven't even read the whole entry yet but yeesh. No, you cannot anticipate everything wrong and who the heck would assume their kid was on the roof?

You did great. Your child is fine.

How I learned this: My son was a climbing daredevil who, I SWEAR this is the truth, when he first learned to pull up to standing position immediately crawled to the cupboard with the garbage in it, hoisted himself to standing on one of the doors, opened the other enough to get his baby hand in...and pull down the "baby proof" latch.

No word of a lie. From there he has progressed to actually being able to pick locks. At 4.5 he acquired this skill on his own. In between we did develop a relationship at the ER. Fortunately he wasn't into eating things.

He either has a bright future in engineering or...some 'alternative' pursuit. At some point we had to admit that he had more time to think things up to do than we did to anticipate all of them.

Sometimes our kids get ahead of us. We do our best. Serendipity and the stats work in our favour.

[Christa]

Do you read Finslippy? I seem to remember that she suffers from PTSD triggered by witnessing a terrible car accident (two cars crashed and came up on the curb) when she was with her son. They weren't injured, but it was a close thing and she kept focusing on the what ifs particularly in regard to her son being injured.

I point this out just to make sure that you share this Caroline story with the "someone" you're going to see. It sounds like the kind of event that could leave a mark, so to speak.

Good luck with it and if they recommend it, take the drugs!

[Tine]

I'm so glad you checked in today. I've been worrying about you (more than I've been worrying about Caroline, even) ever since.

I'm guessing the only reason Ms. Whosit and Ms. Whatsit do not yet look significantly older is (a) they have not yet read "Of Falling," or (b) they haven't yet experienced the true menace that is Caroline.

Good luck this afternoon! It'll be fine. Really. :)

[Sara Neyer]

Anxiety issues are real and yucky and treatable and you will LOVE having your life back. My husband had a dreadful health crisis last winter (end of October to end of February). Long about December I realized that the terror I felt when not in the same room as he, was NOT normal and not going to work for our family. Enter feeling selfish for needing "help" when my husband needed HELP but it worked and we are all in one piece and I am not, as you so beautifully put it, "wearing him as a hat." No one is gladder than he! Feel better soon, please.

[Elle]

Wishing you and your "Someone" great luck! I just started "seeing someone" myself this summer, and I am regularly astounded by how broad and swift the progress has been. For me, it was a slow burning panic disorder that I had been fighting for years, but I was no longer able to talk myself down when experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety. I refused SSRIs at the outset (fear of weight gain), but gladly accepted the offer of xanax (though I have yet to try it). Instead, I began cognitive behavioral therapy. Despite being a psych major back in college, I was completely skeptical, mostly because I had been talking myself down for years and it had lost efficacy. However, WOW, was I wrong. It turns out that I was even more irrational than I originally thought, and thereby perpetuating my anxieties unknowingly -- who knew?! It is exciting to finally get a glimpse of what it could be like to be free of the fears I have lived with for so long. May you have an equally delightful experience!

[winecat]

I actually see two someones. One for therapy and one for drugs. I don't remember who commented but TAKE THE DRUGS. They will help the chemical imbalance in your brain. It won't solve your problems but it will help you get back to the place where you can work on the problems.

I see lots of hair dye in your future as Carolyn, absolutely love that little girl, gets older. I fully expect to hear at some point you'll find her on the roof of the barn at the farm.

[Lauren]

ha! I have the tragic glamour worry as well! I am getting married next month and recently graduated from law school, so, logically, every time I fly now I think of the story in the paper after the crash..."She had such a promising future, newlywed, possible future attorney...could have changed the world...too bad. Such a tragedy."

Yeah, I've been treated for anxiety for a while now.

[jen]

Your Someone will be a great help. Make sure he/she is a good 'fit' (they will NOT be offended if you don't think they will be The Someone), and go for it. My anxiety is still there at a low-grade level, but after living with it for YEARS at a 'Child Climbing Onto Roof' level, it is now perfectly manageable at a 'Child Standing On Table' level. Hope that makes sense? I think if you're 'that' kind of person, anxiety is just part of our psyche, and it would be unrealistic to think it will just disappear, but bringing it down a notch or 100 is immensely relaxing, but it does take a Someone to get you there. Good luck xxx

[Rebecca]

That is too cute that she can curl her tongue! Can her brothers? Can both you and Steve?

I'm glad she is okay. And hope you will be soon, too.

[victoria]

God, I'm sorry this happened while you're suffering from anxiety.

[Carla Hinkle]

That Caroline story really is one of the scariest I've heard with regard to monkey children. And I've heard a few. Phew. Cuddle cave, indeed.

And now I just want to inquire about something that may seem a bit forward -- and it may just be me and it may just be these particular photos -- but is Caroline a bit cross-eyed? To me it looked like the right eye was somewhat lazy. And I only ask because with my own daughter it was just this age (not quite 3) that we noticed and it was in pictures that it showed up, at first. But it turned out that she was VERY far sighted and needed glasses, which was contributing to the lazy eye, and we've also done some patching ... all of which is to say that maybe I am just imagining, or projecting from my own experience, but it is the kind of thing that the younger, the better, so far as treatment.

Anyway. Please forget I ever said anything if I am incorrect or out of line, and Thank God Or Whoever that Caroline is OK.

[Barbara]

I was babysitting for a family with four kids, oldest was around 7. They were all playing upstairs just as nice as can be when I noticed they were all quiet. I went up to investigate. ALL of them were on the roof (older house, they were on the porch roof that was accessible by a window, directly). Breathe breathe. They all made it in. You are not alone.

[Anita]

I tried posting several times on the last blog and they all disappeared.

I freaked out enough over YOUR roof incident that i wanted to call MY doctor and get axiety meds.

I think it's partially twins. Because I am only a few weeks behind you to the docs.

[Beth]

From a professional "someone," categorically, the first step is always the hardest. It is the unknown and what-if, after all, that is bringing you to that someone. Once you experience it, it becomes a known you can worry less about and start to tackle the rest of them. I find it's helpful to make a deal with yourself (and your someone) that you'll try it for three sessions. If they aren't a good fit at that time, find another. Good luck!

[Jenny]

All she needed was a snake up there with her and it would have triangulated into my perfect nightmare.

A snake and a choking hazard, you mean.

Remember when you See your Someone that you don't have to be the Valedictorian of Therapy. It's hard not to go in there wanting to impress her, but you don't need to. That one took me years to learn.

[tree town gal]

OK, well needing my own anxiety therapist because I didn't sleep after I read your post about our little beautiful brilliant daredevil. I did, however, try read on my son's bedroom floor. Now that's nuts. No sleep over what-ifs... and seeing Caroline's glorious expressions, I teared again imagining what could have been. Yes, nuts. Check.

And I have seen a few therapists to deal with grief and anxiety (ahem) and I have learned that it's not heroic to continue going to some one if, after a few visits, that person seems like a complete lunatic. He may very well be...

And we call it "tent" and it's a much beloved game here at bedtime. We add the ladybug to get that camping experience:

http://www.amazon.com/Cloud-Twilight-Constellation-Ladybug-keychain/dp/B002QBUZX8

"wanna play tent? wanna see the moon?" is the 2 yr olds request most nights.

[LeftLeaningLady]

OMG! Reading the last 2 posts made my heart stop and I am not certain it has restarted, even knowing that beautiful baby is ok. I am very thankful my son was not a climber. Have you considered a bell around her neck? Or some sort of tracking device?

[Karen]

Julia, I hope the meeting with your Someone went well.

Is it possible that your increasing anxiety is connected to Caroline's increasingly dangerous behavior? A few weeks ago you posted about the likelihood that Patrick and perhaps Caroline would end up with a learning label, for better or for worse; you really don't have to wait until she's in public school before having her behavior evaluated.

Talk to the pediatrician about developmental milestones and how much impulse control is appropriate for a child her age. And there absolutely have to be consequences for her when she makes dangerous choices!

[Maura]

Julia –

I have been lurking for years, and I kind of can’t believe I am writing to you only now, after sharing so many of your experiences and enjoying your writing so much for all this time. I suppose the Tale of the Mini Houdini is just too compelling, because I, too, have an escape artist. My twins are now ten, and my son has, well, let’s just say . . . tested my adrenaline levels on numerous occasions. I am sorry you had such a deeply frightening experience, and I know that even when the immediate danger is over, the fear of what could happen next is really, really difficult to handle. It is so understandable to feel overwhelmed at the thought of not being able to keep one step ahead of your little adventurer.

Just keep doing what you are doing: find a “someone” for you, secure the bedroom, try to figure out what Defcon 3 levels of childproofing are and install them, and keep talking to Caroline about safety. You will be fine, if slightly grayer than you might have been. And she will grow up to be an amazing young woman.

Enjoy the cuddle caves, and hope you find some relief with your person,

[Sarahtoo]

OMG--I just read this post and the last, and wow, SCARY! I'm so glad Caroline is OK. The picture you painted of all of you (save Edward) in the aftermath is vivid. I hope you have the best results from talking with your Someone. I hope it goes/went well!

[MsCellania]

Please inform their preschool that she taught Houdini everything he knew about escape moves. Seriously. They need to know that she will escape. Field trips? I would be attending with the class, were I you. Until she attends college.

[MsCellania]

Oh, and set your cell phone number to a catchy tune and teach her the chant. At least some stranger may call you and say "Have you lost a Gypsy? I think I may have found her!"

[D]

I'm so glad Caroline was OK and hope your appointment goes well. I love your writing and am enjoying reading about your children. I have my own sneaky child who escaped out the door in her pjs and came back, trying to get in, soaking wet and muddy and my heart stopped, but I can't imagine the roof. Here's a long distance hug from about 400 miles north!

[Jill]

My heart is still racing about Caroline's adventure, so don't beat yourself up too badly over your post-event anxiety. I hope you are able to get some help with the debilitating part, and I hope your daughter reigns herself in a bit.

[Emturtle]

I'm SO glad everyone (including you, dear Julia) is okay. *hugs*

[Sharon]

first, its so so good to hear your 'voice' again after that last post. I've been worried about you, too.

Carla wrote what I was going to as well. It does look like Caroline's right eye is turning in. I'm also a mom to a far-sighted little girl (5 now) who showed the same thing with her eye. She needed no surgery or anything, just glasses and a bit of patching (she's been wearing glasses since she was 15 mos). Might want to get it checked - because really what you need right now is a pair of teeny glasses to keep track of/keep from getting broken. Maybe Patrick could just engineer her a pair? ;-)

[H]

I've been thinking of you ever since I read the last post. I think *I* developed gray hair from that experience, and I don't even know you. God. I cannot imagine anything more terrifying.

Hope the meeting went well. And Caroline has awfully cute pigtails, but I think she'd look even better if she was wearing a crash helmet 24/7! (kidding - sort of - I'd be tempted...)

:^)