Incredibility

I am almost done with my month's trial of Paxil and unless something radically different happens in the next four days I will be asking my doctor what else I can try. Not only I am just as anxious as I ever was; I am becoming one of those creatures that sleeps 23 hours a day - a marmot, maybe. Steve was gone again for most of last week and I could barely stay awake long enough to outlast Edward at night. Edward for heavens' sake. Steve called one night and I was irascible - as you are when some ass wakes you in the dark hours - and he said, "You know it's 8:45, don't you?" I hung up on him.

I admit the chronic insomniac part of me is sort of enjoying all the extra sleep but this is no way to live outside of a burrow. Caroline has taken to prying open my eyelids with her little pincers and bellowing WAKE UP! at me every time I pause to rest on the floor. I now understand how this stuff works as an anti-depressant: one is just too tired to care. So, moving to a different shelf on the medicine cabinet, I hope, and I scheduled an appointment with a new Someone for early November.

I'm feeling optimistic. Sleepy but optimistic. 

After Caroline and Edward were born we decided to increase Steve's life insurance (and mine but if one can measure the value of a life - and the good people at Cincinnati Indemnity Casualty Specialty Underwriters Life Insurance Companies are willing to take a stab at it - I apparently don't matter.) This led to a series of life insurance testing mishaps that culminated (as you may recall) with Steve getting an EKG in our living room at the exact moment the delivery guys dropped and shattered our new kitchen countertops. In addition to notes on the resultant arrythmia the insurer received blood work for Steve that said he had everything from high cholesterol to imminent diabetes to terminal dandruff. They came back with a quote that made us gasp. We questioned the veracity of the bloodwork but our insurance guy said to go ahead and accept the quote as is and then we could get the rates brought down after we had gotten the medical stuff sorted out. 

That was two years ago and we finally got around to shopping for new life insurance last month.

This time Steve was determined to look as healthy on paper as he does in a swimsuit so he decided to go vegan for the two weeks leading up to his insurance physical. No dairy, no meat, no eggs, lots of fiber, lots of this bright green smoothie he found in a 2pk at Sam's Club that looked like it was made from kelp, and he smeared something called Benecol onto toast every night after I googled "lower cholesterol in two weeks."

At one point toward the end he moaned, "I want a dooooouuuughnut."

I said, "I know it's hard but it'll all be worth it when you're dead."

He failed to find this cheering and I went back to eating my doughnut.

Yesterday we got both his test results and a new insurance quote. The reason I am mentioning all of this is in case you ever need to get life insurance and you are wondering if you can affect your test results with only two weeks worth of dietary changes. With my reliable sample of one I can say, resoundingly: YES. Steve's blood pressure was the lowest it had ever been, his cholesterol is under 180 and his glucose had dropped, like, 30 points. His test results read like those of a Japanese schoolgirl and he was offered a Best Rate by a new insurance company and we're going to save almost $1500 a year. Ta DA! Of course Steve immediately blew two grand on doughnuts but it was a moral victory nonetheless.

When I picked up Caroline and Edward on Thursday the teacher remarked upon how different they were. At the time Edward was out cold on his nap mat in the middle of the floor and Caroline was doing pirouettes on a chair.

She said, "Edward needs his nap but Caroline... she just won't sleep. The only time she cries is when I try to get her to lie down so we usually just roll up her mat and then she talks to me. She's a chatty one. She just talks and talks - whether there is anyone there to listen or not."

We suspect Caroline is the only extrovert in the family. She likes people, will talk to anyone and can tell long stories about the kids in preschool, by name. The other day I asked Patrick about a girl who is sitting at his table and who was not in his class last year.

"She's nice," he said.

"What's her name?"

He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, "I... don't... know."

The preschool sent home evaluations for Caroline and Edward on Thursday and I was highly amused by how carefully Patrick studied them when he got home:

"Ah... an Always for 'participates in group activities' good, good, that's important... hmmm, both of them only Sometimes 'help put things away' we'll need to work on that..."

He talked to my mom later on the phone and reported that Caroline is doing very well in preschool with mostly Always'es and only two Sometimes'es; and Edward is doing okay with six Sometimes. Edward, however, knew all his numbers and colors and shapes while Caroline only knew her colors (she does?) and numbers but couldn't pick a diamond out of a line-up. I told him they're both fine and as far as I am concerned I'm just happy they haven't b-i-t-t-e-n anyone, so settle down and he said yes, of course. Later I saw them sitting side-by-side on the floor with Patrick and a shape puzzle in front of them as he barked, "Pentagon! FIVE SIDES! Pentagon!" and they dutifully repeated "pen-a-non" after him.

They eventually attcked him and who can blame them?

Actually the geometry drill had nothing to do with it; this is pretty much how they play. Like puppies.

Which looks kinda violent until you see

that Edward finds being throttled (with love!) terribly funny.

The weather has been so lovely that we've been spending a lot of time in the yard. You know maybe the Paxil is working a little bit because even though I still don't really like taking them outside without Steve for backup it did finally dawn on me that Caroline is unlikely to be eaten by a bear no matter how many times she slips into the woods during the seconds that my back is turned. And it helps that Edward tends to stay put so when I do have to go plunging into the underbrush after his pixie-led sister he can generally be relied upon to stay where he has parked himself. Literally.

Exhibits A through B 

I asked, "Do you see a ghost behind me?" and took a picture of whatever face they made in response to this question.

Caroline was amused

I think Edward actually saw a ghost, which I found utterly unnerving and that will teach me to be cutesy.

 

Speaking of ghosts Caroline and Edward have been watching Dinosaur Train

(I envision the development meeting going this way -

Leadership: We need something to appeal to boys aged two to five!

Marketing: What do our focus groups tell us about this demographic?

Research: They like trains. And dinosaurs.

Creative: How about a show where dinosaurs ride a train?

Finance: Fine, whatever, just get it on backpacks by Christmas.)

... oh right.

So Caroline and Edward have been watching Dinosaur Train lately, which led to my telling Steve I am not sure I totally believe the whole dinosaur thing. I mean the way they are imagined seems so improbable. The tiny heads, giant tails, feathers, spikes that have no purpose, stubby arms, huge teeth... as they are sketched none of them seem like they would have survived for more than five seconds.

Steve sputtered and said there is no not believing in dinosaurs, they just are; or were, as the case may be. Fossils! he said. Evidence! Evolutionary record!

I said, yeah, about that, I'm not sure I totally believe the whole evo... .

Steve told me if I said one. more. word. he would divorce me.

So this is just between us but you can put me down as a skeptic when it comes to ankylosaurus (I mean REALLY? that tail?) Call me an apaleoist if you like, but on the subject of ghosts I am more open-minded. As, I assume, is Edward.

Patrick was completely out of sorts when he came home from school last week. So I asked if he was upset about something and he said no and then I asked if he had gotten into trouble at school and he said no and then I asked if someone had been unkind and he said no and then I tried sympathetic silence and then I got exasperated with him and said good grief snap out of it and I finally just gave up him and eventually he was in better spirits by Sunday night. This morning over breakfast he suddenly blurted out that some of the boys in his class started calling him Patricia last week and he really hates it. Then he blinked back tears and looked at me like I would know what to do.

I said... actually I am more interested in what you would have said because I wound up talking about trying to ignore it and eight year olds and testing boundaries and control dynamics until Patrick put his head in his hands and asked wearily if we could bring it up at his teacher conference on Wednesday because he really just wants them to stop calling him Patricia.                 

I'm thinking about enrolling him in karate. Not - I hasten to clarify - because I want Patrick to be able to clean anybody's clock or break boards with his head but because I remember how glowing some of you were about martial arts and self-confidence. Sooner or later everybody deals with unkindness and I think it is important to feel like you can deal with it rather than internalize it.

Any thoughts - in general - on elementary school and being picked on and the best way to handle things?

PS I completely forgot to tell you! Patrick went to a birthday party two weeks ago and when I went to pick him up I talked to many of the parents of other boys in his class. Apparently there was a day a while ago in which the kids returned from music class and the boys were told to put their heads on their desks while the girls were asked to identify which boys had misbehaved. The father of one of the boys heard this, emailed the teacher about it, got confirmation, linked this to the other anti-boy messages we had been receiving and went ballistic. There has not been any more punishment by sex (hmmm, that sounded completely AWFUL) since then. 

PPS My hopes that my co-volunteer for the Halloween Party would be a Martha Stewart type were dashed when I met her and she laughed and told me she had just about fallen over when she got the party planning email. She said she had volunteered to be room parent because she didn't mind sending emails and I told her I had volunteered because I wanted to file things and we mututally agreed we are screwed. So thank you for all the Halloween tips - we need them.

Comments

[Jill]

Hate to say this....but teach him to fight back. They call him Patricia? Ask him what the boys' names are, then work with him on snappy comebacks. Emphasize that he is not to "attack" first at all, but IF they start teasing him, he should fire back verbally.

Also, talk to the teacher, but she hates boys so that may not help.

You need to teach him to stand up for himself. This, I say, because I was the "nerd" at school all my life, picked on, humiliated...the kid who hid in the bathroom at recess and lunch...the kid with no friends. My mom just told me to "be nice' and "be myself" and stuff. She should have told me how to stand up for myself and snap back. Kids will respect a kid who defends himself and will MUTILATE a kid who doesn't.

[SusanOR]

Re Paxil & sleepiness. First thing I'd look at is what time are you taking it? For folks who get sleepy from it, try taking it at bedtime. Then the sleepiness is pretty much gone by morning! There are other ADs that are less likely to make folks sleepy (Prozac is one).

[Mar]

No thoughts on the name calling, but my son Ned is one "r" away from an obvious tease that I'm particularly interested in what others have to say.

[small static]

Hi Julia,
Long time reader, first time commenter. If you're looking for a good anti-depressant, anti-anxiety combo that won't make you feel like sleeping 23 hrs/day, you may want to try a combination of Zoloft (great for anxiety but alone can make you feel a little foggy) and Wellbutrin (anti-D that keeps a spring in your step). Good luck. Love your site. ~ss

[Madeleine]

Well, kids will find ways to tease in any situation, but it strikes me that Patrick is probably one of the less badly-behaved boys, and this teacher makes it clear that boys are badly behaved, so I would put some of the blame for the Patricia taunting directly at the teacher's feet, for creating such a gender-antagonistic environment. And even if explicit gender-based punishment is no longer permitted, I doubt the teacher's attitude has changed. So I would consider your own note to the principal adding this to what the other parents said.

[Amanda]

The best side effect of watching Dinosaur Train is having a 3yo say things like "I have a hypothesis..." and complete the sentence correctly. Brilliant.

[Claudia]

We're Dinosaur Train watchers as well. Gotta love a show that rhymes "feces" and "species" in song, no less.

[Erin]

I don't have kids, I'll just preface my comment with that. But I have thousands of hours of babysitting under my belt and I agree with the first commenter. Ask Patrick what their names are and tell him to do the same back. Michael becomes Michelle. Etc. To me it's less about being mean, more about changing the conversation or evening the playing field. The boys pick on him, he throws it right back. Maybe they all laugh. Maybe they stop calling him Patricia. I suspect it will be less funny to them if he throws it back at them. My heart goes out to him, he's a great kid.

[Jodi]

I would be very concerned that in 3d Grade, no adult is paying close enough attention to notice that several kids are teasing one kid in this way and make it stop. What is up with the teacher/principal/lunchroom and recess monitor?

The teasing bothers Patrick and if he's told the other kids to quit and they won't, then it probably counts as "bullying" under the school's anti-bullying policy. It would at my boys' public, midwestern elementary school, anyway. Elementary schools have, at least on paper, gotten serious about bullying prevention. So you and Patrick can present it to his teacher (and if necessary, the school administration) through the lens of the anti-bullying policy and see what solutions she offers.

You can encourage him to tease back, of course, but if it escalates, he's vulnerable to punishment as well. If he tries to ignore it the other kids might ramp up their efforts to get a rise out of him. Better to nip it in the bud.

[Deborah]

My psycharitrist told me THE antidepressant for anxiety was Lexapro. I've been on it three years along with Klonpin (anxiety). I function pretty well now, with only a couple of real panic attacks per year. Just wanted to throw that out there.

[Karen]

ITA with Madeleine about laying the blame for "Patricia" squarely at the teacher's feet. I'm apalled that a teacher in Patrick's school, which I believe you chose because it's great for super smarties and to which you daily drive an ungodly distance, would employ a person of such blatant bias in a 3rd grade classroom. Get with the Dad who went ballistic and talk to the principal.

As for Patrick being teased, I have no advice other than to try and set up playdates with the other boys in his class so he can establish stronger relationships and be buffered if there's one bully leading the pack.

[Emma]

Wow, I respectfully disagree with the suggestions that you should teach Patrick to do the same thing back (make fun of other kids' names). Now, I'm not sure what you SHOULD do, but I think it sends the wrong message to encourage him to be just as mean. Gender-oriented put-downs start like this, and then pretty soon, boys are running around calling each other "fag" and the like, and I HATE IT!

[Maria]

Patrick does need to stand up for himself, as well as you bringing the teacher up to speed at his conference.

My son has endured lots of verbal teasing, and it only got better this year when he finally told the kid, "I don't need to take what you say to me." He had tried being nice, or avoiding the kid, to no avail. My husband and I tried to give him some phrases like "what is your problem" or just telling the other kid to stop it. But what also helped was that the school counselor noticed him waiting inside the school until the bus loaded so that he could avoid the kid. He hadn't told anyone what was going on, and she was able to talk to him and help him. She told him if it didn't get better she would have him show her a picture of the kid so she would take care of it (new school so he didn't know the kid's name.)

My point is, Patrick should know that he has the power to try and fix it, but if that doesn't work, an adult will help him.

[Linda]

I started my 6yo twins in karate and they LOVE IT. I love the awesome structure and discipline and emphasis on respect. It's peer pressure but in a positive way. Every parent I talked to had only good things to say about martial arts (except the cost). No one regretted putting their kids in karate.

I don't know what your options are, but the best advice I got was to essentially ignore the building/surrounding area and focus on the sensei. If you have a good sensei - one who is patient and likes teaching and runs a tight ship, but makes it fun - you are golden.

[Heidi]

I'll second the suggestion for Lexapro - I've been on it for a combination of anxiety and depression and, while I never had full-on panic attacks, overall I've felt much better while on it.

The fact that there's no generic for it is a PITA, though (the closest generic was what I took for post-partum depression and it gave me zingy shiver-shocks periodically, which Lexapro does not, thank goodness).

[Christine]

We love dinosaur train too. One day last week apropos of nothing, my four-year-old said, "Paleontologists think that dinosaurs may have fallen into the mud pits..." His grandmother was most impressed.

[Christine (Mombie)]

I've been teaching my boys the 'So?' response (not actually saying anything but looking at the people like they are total jackasses for thinking that would bother anyone) and we've been practicing it at home with role-playing.

I'm trying to demonstrate what the commenter above said, that the kids don't have to take what someone else is dishing out. And I've been reminding them that they know themselves, other people don't so what the jerks say isn't the truth.

[K Petison]

It would be interesting to know how very successful people were bullied as kids. I'm sure some weren't bullied or were bullies themselves, but it would be good for bullied kids to read about that. And Patrick has Successful Adult written all over him. The problem is he doesn't have the perspective to know this.

I don't have any magic answers, but one of the great things about Patrick (from a reader's eyes) is his passion. Anything you can do to feed one of his passions?

And how to respond? 'Whatever, dorks'. That's the best I have.

[Rachel]

Agree with previous posters...I think the choice of the 'girl' name Patricia is significant.

Join forces with the other dad.

Bring this to the attention of the principal.

Teach Patrick to defend himself with a snappy comeback.

And I love the nuance of not attacking first, but defending himself heartily IF provoked.

With one caveat, sometimes the best defense is offense. Maybe a cheerful, "Hiya, most disagreeable boy, now with a girl's name." might send the right message of "I'm standing up to you and I'll beat you at your own game."

[Jenn]

First of all this gender bias -- is -- well just WOW! How could a teacher in this day and age think that's cool?

We signed Sam up for Ju Jitsu this year. He has no concept of physicality at all. They spar in Ju Jitsu and he gets tossed around like a rubber chicken. So I don't want him to be a tough guy, he just needs to be aware of how to use his body. Even his hugs and the way he pats the dog are almost painfully gentle. The great thing is he loves it, and apparently had the confidence to break up a fight on the playground where a (ahem 5 year old) bully was kicking her fellow kindergartners. First time ever.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

"(I envision the development meeting going this way -
Leadership: We need something to appeal to boys aged two to five!
Marketing: What do our focus groups tell us about this demographic?
Research: They like trains. And dinosaurs.
Creative: How about a show where dinosaurs ride a train?
Finance: Fine, whatever, just get it on backpacks by Christmas.)"

LOVE.

Poor Patrick. While I am sympathetic with the folks who feel that you shouldn't teach your kids to hit/tease back, honestly, how often have they been in a situation where the instigator was someone who only responded to measured and appropriate retaliation? I moved schools often growing up and was often marked for bullying, until they pushed me too far and I went off like a roman candle at them. Each and every time that shut down all bullying for good.

Bullies look for victims. Full-stop. Karate and a direct, measured retaliation are great ways to let bullies know that you are NOT a victim.

I also agree with the person who said that Patrick should know that he is allowed to put a stop to it, but that if he can't, an adult will step in and help. Excellent advice.

Please make a formal complaint to the principal about the gender discrimination. He may need more than one parent to complain to assure appropriate steps are taken. It is so fundimentally disturbing. As the mother of a lovely, outgoing, very precocious uber-boy, I despise any implication that his intelligence or appropriateness as a human being is corrolated with his affection for sitting quietly with hands folded for hours at a time.

I was discussing this with another mom at my son's school and she was expressing some disgust with the local public school because a class of little girls was engaged in all-out bullying warfare at this woman's daughter. Because they all did it out the sides of their mouths while their hands were folded neatly, the teacher was sure she had a wonderful, wonderful class. Any teacher that assumes a cause/effect in the ability to sit still with goodness and light is a yutz.

And I am pregnant and a little wild-eyed today, but I think that Patrick should be a) allowed and taught how to appropriately respond to bullying in a way that shuts it down and b) relieved of the necessity by getting a teacher who actually pays attention to what is going on in her classroom and who takes steps to make sure it doesn't happen in the first place.

Excuse my wild-eydedness.

I'm sorry the Paxil didn't work for you. I had a similar reaction to Zoloft years ago. Welbutrin made me totally bizonkers crazy, as it did to a friend of mine, but both of us started off extremely high-strung. I know some mellow folks who went on it and it did wonders.

I think it's wonderful that you gave the Paxil an honest go, and my ideal Paxil dose was 10mgs a day taken at bedtime, so make sure they are not just thinking about type, but dosage with this stuff.

I hope you find the magic bullet soon!

[Krissy Poopyhands]

Also, our whole familiy is a pod of extroverts. Caroline should come and visit us. My son would listen and respond for several days before needing food and water.

Your kids are awesome. I know you know this, but I just need to point it out again.

[Sara]

At the martial arts school where I teach, we have "character development" time at the end of every class. Basically, all the kids sit around and we talk about whatever the current topic is-- sometimes it's being nice to siblings, or helping parents, or responsibility. We often discuss what to do if someone is mean to you or tries to start a fight (you never, ever use what you learn in class on your peers), plus the right way to show off your martial arts skills: "use my best taekwondo manners."

So yes, again, martial arts for Patrick!

[Stephanie]

Haha, I have totally had that same conversation about Dinosaur Train. Other things about that show that baffle me - why is a train the only modern invention they have? What industry requires the need for this train? I clearly give this show too much of my brain power.

[Jan]

Remember not to go off the Paxil cold turkey. This teacher and these boys will be present for the Halloween party, no? Hmmmmm. Might whatever you devise address the gender issue, either remedially or as a test case for observation? Would a "misbehaving" activity like the toilet paper mummy wrap be good or bad? Would it just heighten the boys' behavior differences or encourage the girls? Maybe you don't want anything with the potential for messes (paint, glue) or disgusting texture food -- or maybe you do. Sorry, this probably makes the prospect of planning the party even more daunting, but maybe a little manipulative behavior would perk you up? Patrick could always serve meat hands and watermelon brains to those boys....

[Kristin]

RE: Name calling.... I can tell you that telling your child "don't let it bother you" is not the way to go. It go to the point in high school when I felt I couldn't talk to my Mom about the name calling. That resulted in her suprise when I told someone else about it in her presence.

[Sara]

What you are describing with Paxil is exactly what I went through with Lexapro. Falling asleep at random times during the day. Now I just take a high dose of wellbutrin for the depression (nothing for anxiety). I also had other side effects that I wasn't willing to live with.

As far as the teasing I would bring it up to the teacher. At my sons school if he was overheard coming back to the kids he too would be in trouble and I think that is how it is most places. Would that bother Patrick? Also has he told anyone at school? My son was teased last year (more by exclusion and taking rough play too far). My son would never fight back (one because he wanted to be accepted by this child). I contacted his teacher and brought it to her attention (she had asked about an injury but he blew it off-he never told anyone at school). She passed it on to the other monitors and that was pretty much it. But my sons school is small (70 kids total in K-6, 6-7 teachers/paraprofessionals) so I am not sure how it would be handled in a bigger school. I also repeated the issue to her this year at the beginning of the year and to his reading teacher when he was moved to a new reading group that included this boy (this boy is in a different grade). So far so good....I am hoping that the boy finally matured out of it!
If possible it might be better if the teachers can catch them doing it and they can get in trouble that way rather than the teacher going to them and saying "I have heard you are.....". The first way they can't say that Patrick told which might cause more trouble.
I was teased as a child as was my husband. It worried me but my husband was not bothered by it much at all.

[cindy w]

Just a warning because my husband's been on Paxil several different times: DO NOT try to stop taking it cold turkey. You will be sick as a dog. It's like the flu but worse. It's definitely a drug that you have to wean yourself off of it. Talk to your doctor, but generally you start with a lower dose, then go down to a pill every other day, etc. That keeps the withdrawal symptoms to a minimum.

The name-calling thing with Patrick really bothers me because I think it qualifies as bullying. And one of the recent gay teen suicides was a kid who started getting bullied when he was 9 years old, in 4th grade. (Nobody even knows if the kid was gay or not, he was just "identified" as gay by his peers for God-knows-what reason. He was smart? Sensitive?) So if I were you, I'd be taking that pretty seriously, and since it sounds like Patrick's teacher is useless with her anti-boy agenda, I'd go straight to the principal.

And yeah, I agree with the others who said that he needs to learn to stand up for himself rather than take it. The whole "just ignore them and they'll stop" tactic has never worked in the history of the universe, as far as I know. He doesn't need to be violent or cruel (i.e., the person who said to call them the names back), but he needs to stand up to the guys and say, "Hey, you're being a real jerk, knock it off." And he needs to know that he can talk to adults (you, his teacher, etc.) about it and that they'll listen to him and take him seriously.

[sarah]

Have you been tested for a Vitamin D dificiency? I was tested last spring after having, among other symptoms, horrible anxiety and depression. I am now on a huge weekly dose and it totally does the trick. It is like magic. It may be worth checking out, especially since there doesn't seem to be any side effects. The prescription D is also covered by insurance.

If you stumble upon the miracle cure (or are given it here) for teasing please do pass it on.

[Catherine]

Recently I watched some anti-bullying videos and read some role-playing scenes. In each of them children were being taught to verbally diffuse the situation, often by making the bully look like an idiot. While I don't condone making kids look like idiots, the bully might only need one dose of his own medicine. I also like the "so" response. I would love to see the look on the kid's face when Patrick replies, "whatever you say Michelle."

As for the gender-based punishments, it has to stop. Teaching girls that they are morally superior to boys is unacceptable. And teaching the boys that they're rotten little kids is unacceptable. School is supposed to be a SAFE place. How is it safe if you have teacher-mandated tattle telling? I think the parents ought to riot. Or see the principal en masse. Whichever.

[Sara]

My last sentence should say my son being bullied worried me but my husband wasn't bothered by it much at all (even with him being bullied as a child)

[Tine]

(*kaboom!*)

The science editor in me is picking up the pieces of her head, which exploded upon receipt of the news that you are an...um...apaleoist.

However, you also gave me this ("I know it's hard but it'll all be worth it when you're dead"), which made me laugh out loud, mouthful of ravioli notwithstanding.

So it's all good. :)

[Lori]

I am so surprised and intrigued by the suggestions to tease the kids back. I would never have guessed that people would suggest that. I am not saying that is not the right answer, but I never, ever would suggest that to my daughters. I always tell them to just walk away, play with someone else, etc. Maybe I am giving the wrong advice and they will be targets for bullies. I will be reading these comments to see what others have to say!

[Deanna]

I got picked on a lot for being fat when I was in middle school. My older brother taught me that if I would just laugh along with their jokes then it wouldn't be fun for them to pick on me any more. I was skeptical, but darned if it didn't work in a big hurry. I was bully free in a week or so.

[Christine]

Yes to a martial arts class (I vote for Judo!) and yes for both talking to the principal and teaching Patrick to talk back. I was teased as a kid and it was awful, but I made it to a more or less good place by high school (or at least had gotten snarky enough where it wasn't too bad.)

The first trick is finding out which kids are doing it.

I'm so sorry Patrick is going through this.

[Kizz]

I had just clicked away from reading this post feeling I had nothing useful to say and the next thing in my reader was the following post by Laid Off Dad:
http://www.globalentry.gov/howtoapply.html

I think you two might have something to talk about.

[Liz S]

I have a 14 yr old who was bullied in grade school. His former best friend told everyone he was gay-that kind of thing. I feared for his life in middle school as that is generally the worst. Oddly enough, he was fine. He had a few good friends and didn't have a problem. I had always told him he would shine in college (sensative and smart) He is in high school now and its going great. So it does get better. I just dealt with it by being there when he was upset. I found that talking to teachers and the principal didn't do much good.

[Kizz]

That right there in my previous comment? Is a terrible failure of the copy and paste function. That link above has nothing to do with Laid Off Dad, though it will help to make Patrick's re-entry to the US smooth if he decides that the proper answer to bullying is to flee his home country.

THIS is the Laid Off Dad post:
http://laidoffdad.typepad.com/lod/2010/10/a-walk-in-the-woods.html

That's totally different.

[Erin]

I just wanted to throw in my assvice regarding the antidepressants. I sold Lexapro for years and it is currently what I take for anxiety. I second the suggestion above that it really does matter, at least when you are taking starting doses, what time of day that you take the meds. If it makes you sleepy, take it at bedtime. Even with Lexapro, which has less of the traditional antidepressant side effects, I was extremely tired during the day unitl I started taking it at bedtime. I've been on it for years now, and have no problem whatsoever. Also, if you decide to go off the Paxil, please titrate your dose down. It has an extremely short half-life and you can get really sick from withdrawl symptoms like one of the previous posters mentioned. Good luck. It takes a while to find what cocktail works for you, but once you do, you will not be sorry! Cheers! (Oh, and I want to squeeze those precious children of yours. So adorable.)

[Lisame]

Let me just open with...I am/was/will always be a big ol bully! No joke. I can't help myself. I see you over there being weak and I must pull your chain. MUST!

Growing up:

Fighting back = live for it! bring it on!

Ignoring me = ha! You will crack eventually and I will not be in troublel you will! You cracked! hahaha

Smart ass response said with dead pan seriousness = we are officially freinds and I will fight your battles for you!

Get a teacher involved = I improve my chain pulling until you cry! ha! I am a god!

Y'all might care to know that just six months ago I got my ass kicked thoroughly and roughly at a busstop by a girl the same size/age as me (47/160). I started it; she looked like she was having a bad day and I got what I deserved.

Moral = me and my kind aren't going anywhere. We're just bad with people skills. Would you believe I'm still friends with a girl I went to elementary school with? I actually have friends for life.

[Megan (Best of Fates)]

I think I have a whole new perspective on physicals now - just eat well right before and apparently that's all you need!

[Erika]

I think Deanna's thought (laughing) is a good tactic--combined with laughingly doing the same to other kids' names, if he can do it. And I don't mean in a teasing way, I mean joining in on the joke, in a "Yeah, that's funny--and hey, Eric, you can be Erika. and Michael can be Michelle." Maybe you could help him think of appropriate names before he goes off.

Would any of the books here be helpful? http://bit.ly/CCBCteasing

Also, yes to martial arts--and it'll have the plus side of helping him w/ the physical issues you've blogged about before. Or--a lot of kids here go to a clown/circus camp, which I've also been amazed at. Nothing for self esteem like learning to walk on stilts or do the trapeze!

[Erika]

Upon further thought, a word to those who question teaching him to tease back: you're not teaching him it's okay to tease for no reason. But you're teaching him that it's okay to respond in a way that is self-protective.

I hope that helps. It was a lot clearer in my brain than it looks on the screen...

[liz]

I agree with the other commenters that the gender aspect of the teasing is significant given the teacher, and that you should bring it to the principal (again!).

On what Patrick can do about it: "Really? That's the best you've got? 'Patricia'? I can't believe I'm having to put up with people who have absolutely no imagination. I was sure you people would go with 'Cow Pat', or 'Pat o' Butter', or something like that, but the best you've got is 'Patricia'. Frankly, I'm insulted that you didn't put more effort than that into trying to tease me."

[Lylah]

Someone told my youngest boy that he had "girl hair." He beamed and said, "Thanks! I like girls! Don't you?" The would-be bully didn't know how to respond, and while his little head exploded my boy walked away...

[Channa]

I'm a fellow dinosaur skeptic! I never could get over the coincidence of how pretty much every culture has legends about promordial monsters who roamed the earth - so we moderns have our supposedly scientific version...

[Sarah]

I think the "whatever, dorks" idea is much better than making their names into girls' names also. What is wrong with being called "Patricia"? It is that it is not one's name, and that being called a girl's name is supposed to be an insult. If, for example, they called him "Peter" or "Percival," it would not be supposed to be the same degree of insult. If you tell him to call them by girls' names as well, you might be validating that girls' names, and hence girls, are inferior. I am not sure what will work, but I am pretty sure that's not the best way. I would go with the firm reply to those kids that he does not like to be called by a name other than his own, and that he could retort in kind, but will not because he knows better. No, wait, that makes him sound obnoxious. O.K., I'm no use. I still think the name calling in response is not a good idea, especially with that teacher. Someone calls him "Patricia"; he calls that person "Michelle." He gets caught, and no explanation will help him with that teacher. Also, I thought this school was supposed to have some magnet approaches--shouldn't it have better teachers?

[jen]

Well I was teased horribly in grade school. The boys BARKED at me during lunch. What happened with me was my mom ended up calling the school's principal and the boys were reprimanded in some way and it did stop after that. Looking back, I don't understand how the teachers tolerated it to the point where I was sobbing at home to my mom. I mean WTF did the teachers think those boys were barking about in the cafeteria? Anyway, I'm sorry the kids are being mean to him. I completely sympathize and ugh, it makes me so sad to hear kids still have deal with teasing to that degree.

I agree with one of the other commenters about how the teacher's "boys are bad" mentality may have exacerbated these boys' tendency to be jerks. But I heartily disagree with some of the other's suggestions to have Patrick say something in return (i.e. making fun of the kids even though they deserve it). It seems so counterproductive and likely to make things worse.

[jana]

I don't know what to say about the teasing, I am reading the replies as well to get some idea of how to handle it when it happens to us. It is encouraging that Patrick has said something to you about it.

We put our 6 year old in Karate this summer and he loves it and it has been great for him. Like someone else said, it reinforces respect and self-discipline and we love the mentoring atmosphere. I've mentioned before in a comment to you that my son is alot like how you describe Caroline, extremely extroverted with confirmed ADHD and since he can't stop moving, he practices his karate moves all the time. He goes after school 5 days a week and one of the days they do "motor lab" where they work on balance and coordination. Seems like that aspect would be really helpful for Patrick with the OT that you had talked about several months ago.

[Kristin]

Lexapro worked wonders for me and no nasty side effects. Good luck.