Incredibility

I am almost done with my month's trial of Paxil and unless something radically different happens in the next four days I will be asking my doctor what else I can try. Not only I am just as anxious as I ever was; I am becoming one of those creatures that sleeps 23 hours a day - a marmot, maybe. Steve was gone again for most of last week and I could barely stay awake long enough to outlast Edward at night. Edward for heavens' sake. Steve called one night and I was irascible - as you are when some ass wakes you in the dark hours - and he said, "You know it's 8:45, don't you?" I hung up on him.

I admit the chronic insomniac part of me is sort of enjoying all the extra sleep but this is no way to live outside of a burrow. Caroline has taken to prying open my eyelids with her little pincers and bellowing WAKE UP! at me every time I pause to rest on the floor. I now understand how this stuff works as an anti-depressant: one is just too tired to care. So, moving to a different shelf on the medicine cabinet, I hope, and I scheduled an appointment with a new Someone for early November.

I'm feeling optimistic. Sleepy but optimistic. 

After Caroline and Edward were born we decided to increase Steve's life insurance (and mine but if one can measure the value of a life - and the good people at Cincinnati Indemnity Casualty Specialty Underwriters Life Insurance Companies are willing to take a stab at it - I apparently don't matter.) This led to a series of life insurance testing mishaps that culminated (as you may recall) with Steve getting an EKG in our living room at the exact moment the delivery guys dropped and shattered our new kitchen countertops. In addition to notes on the resultant arrythmia the insurer received blood work for Steve that said he had everything from high cholesterol to imminent diabetes to terminal dandruff. They came back with a quote that made us gasp. We questioned the veracity of the bloodwork but our insurance guy said to go ahead and accept the quote as is and then we could get the rates brought down after we had gotten the medical stuff sorted out. 

That was two years ago and we finally got around to shopping for new life insurance last month.

This time Steve was determined to look as healthy on paper as he does in a swimsuit so he decided to go vegan for the two weeks leading up to his insurance physical. No dairy, no meat, no eggs, lots of fiber, lots of this bright green smoothie he found in a 2pk at Sam's Club that looked like it was made from kelp, and he smeared something called Benecol onto toast every night after I googled "lower cholesterol in two weeks."

At one point toward the end he moaned, "I want a dooooouuuughnut."

I said, "I know it's hard but it'll all be worth it when you're dead."

He failed to find this cheering and I went back to eating my doughnut.

Yesterday we got both his test results and a new insurance quote. The reason I am mentioning all of this is in case you ever need to get life insurance and you are wondering if you can affect your test results with only two weeks worth of dietary changes. With my reliable sample of one I can say, resoundingly: YES. Steve's blood pressure was the lowest it had ever been, his cholesterol is under 180 and his glucose had dropped, like, 30 points. His test results read like those of a Japanese schoolgirl and he was offered a Best Rate by a new insurance company and we're going to save almost $1500 a year. Ta DA! Of course Steve immediately blew two grand on doughnuts but it was a moral victory nonetheless.

When I picked up Caroline and Edward on Thursday the teacher remarked upon how different they were. At the time Edward was out cold on his nap mat in the middle of the floor and Caroline was doing pirouettes on a chair.

She said, "Edward needs his nap but Caroline... she just won't sleep. The only time she cries is when I try to get her to lie down so we usually just roll up her mat and then she talks to me. She's a chatty one. She just talks and talks - whether there is anyone there to listen or not."

We suspect Caroline is the only extrovert in the family. She likes people, will talk to anyone and can tell long stories about the kids in preschool, by name. The other day I asked Patrick about a girl who is sitting at his table and who was not in his class last year.

"She's nice," he said.

"What's her name?"

He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, "I... don't... know."

The preschool sent home evaluations for Caroline and Edward on Thursday and I was highly amused by how carefully Patrick studied them when he got home:

"Ah... an Always for 'participates in group activities' good, good, that's important... hmmm, both of them only Sometimes 'help put things away' we'll need to work on that..."

He talked to my mom later on the phone and reported that Caroline is doing very well in preschool with mostly Always'es and only two Sometimes'es; and Edward is doing okay with six Sometimes. Edward, however, knew all his numbers and colors and shapes while Caroline only knew her colors (she does?) and numbers but couldn't pick a diamond out of a line-up. I told him they're both fine and as far as I am concerned I'm just happy they haven't b-i-t-t-e-n anyone, so settle down and he said yes, of course. Later I saw them sitting side-by-side on the floor with Patrick and a shape puzzle in front of them as he barked, "Pentagon! FIVE SIDES! Pentagon!" and they dutifully repeated "pen-a-non" after him.

They eventually attcked him and who can blame them?

Actually the geometry drill had nothing to do with it; this is pretty much how they play. Like puppies.

Which looks kinda violent until you see

that Edward finds being throttled (with love!) terribly funny.

The weather has been so lovely that we've been spending a lot of time in the yard. You know maybe the Paxil is working a little bit because even though I still don't really like taking them outside without Steve for backup it did finally dawn on me that Caroline is unlikely to be eaten by a bear no matter how many times she slips into the woods during the seconds that my back is turned. And it helps that Edward tends to stay put so when I do have to go plunging into the underbrush after his pixie-led sister he can generally be relied upon to stay where he has parked himself. Literally.

Exhibits A through B 

I asked, "Do you see a ghost behind me?" and took a picture of whatever face they made in response to this question.

Caroline was amused

I think Edward actually saw a ghost, which I found utterly unnerving and that will teach me to be cutesy.

 

Speaking of ghosts Caroline and Edward have been watching Dinosaur Train

(I envision the development meeting going this way -

Leadership: We need something to appeal to boys aged two to five!

Marketing: What do our focus groups tell us about this demographic?

Research: They like trains. And dinosaurs.

Creative: How about a show where dinosaurs ride a train?

Finance: Fine, whatever, just get it on backpacks by Christmas.)

... oh right.

So Caroline and Edward have been watching Dinosaur Train lately, which led to my telling Steve I am not sure I totally believe the whole dinosaur thing. I mean the way they are imagined seems so improbable. The tiny heads, giant tails, feathers, spikes that have no purpose, stubby arms, huge teeth... as they are sketched none of them seem like they would have survived for more than five seconds.

Steve sputtered and said there is no not believing in dinosaurs, they just are; or were, as the case may be. Fossils! he said. Evidence! Evolutionary record!

I said, yeah, about that, I'm not sure I totally believe the whole evo... .

Steve told me if I said one. more. word. he would divorce me.

So this is just between us but you can put me down as a skeptic when it comes to ankylosaurus (I mean REALLY? that tail?) Call me an apaleoist if you like, but on the subject of ghosts I am more open-minded. As, I assume, is Edward.

Patrick was completely out of sorts when he came home from school last week. So I asked if he was upset about something and he said no and then I asked if he had gotten into trouble at school and he said no and then I asked if someone had been unkind and he said no and then I tried sympathetic silence and then I got exasperated with him and said good grief snap out of it and I finally just gave up him and eventually he was in better spirits by Sunday night. This morning over breakfast he suddenly blurted out that some of the boys in his class started calling him Patricia last week and he really hates it. Then he blinked back tears and looked at me like I would know what to do.

I said... actually I am more interested in what you would have said because I wound up talking about trying to ignore it and eight year olds and testing boundaries and control dynamics until Patrick put his head in his hands and asked wearily if we could bring it up at his teacher conference on Wednesday because he really just wants them to stop calling him Patricia.                 

I'm thinking about enrolling him in karate. Not - I hasten to clarify - because I want Patrick to be able to clean anybody's clock or break boards with his head but because I remember how glowing some of you were about martial arts and self-confidence. Sooner or later everybody deals with unkindness and I think it is important to feel like you can deal with it rather than internalize it.

Any thoughts - in general - on elementary school and being picked on and the best way to handle things?

PS I completely forgot to tell you! Patrick went to a birthday party two weeks ago and when I went to pick him up I talked to many of the parents of other boys in his class. Apparently there was a day a while ago in which the kids returned from music class and the boys were told to put their heads on their desks while the girls were asked to identify which boys had misbehaved. The father of one of the boys heard this, emailed the teacher about it, got confirmation, linked this to the other anti-boy messages we had been receiving and went ballistic. There has not been any more punishment by sex (hmmm, that sounded completely AWFUL) since then. 

PPS My hopes that my co-volunteer for the Halloween Party would be a Martha Stewart type were dashed when I met her and she laughed and told me she had just about fallen over when she got the party planning email. She said she had volunteered to be room parent because she didn't mind sending emails and I told her I had volunteered because I wanted to file things and we mututally agreed we are screwed. So thank you for all the Halloween tips - we need them.

Comments

[Jaida]

Unfortunately am no help on the teasing front as we have yet to encounter it (only b/c my littles are too little). Please keep us updated...I don't mean to belittle Patrick's feelings but "Patricia" is just so...lame. ;)

My experience with ADs has been with Zoloft. Started on the lowest dose and indeed was foggy for two weeks or so but literally was a miracle after that. I too have a combination of anxiety and depression and I have never felt better. Also interesting to note am trialing a decrease to half the dose (25 mg) and still feeling great. Maybe give it a try.

And finally, I also had several appointments with several Someones and decided it just was not for me. I'm absolutely not implying that you shouldn't give it another try, but I do think that counseling is not for everyone. Perhaps if you don't find the next session helpful, maybe you're not in the right place for it. Good luck!

[Kathryn]

Long time reader, first time commenter...I just had to jump in on the teasing...I moved schools a lot in elementary school and I was over weight - so the new kid and fat not a good combination. My moms advise, they only do it because they see that it bothers you, so take the wind out of their sails by joining in the laughter or as Liz pointed out above a little disgust at the lack of imagination goes a long way. Once I started responding in that way the teasing always stopped and I quickly made new friends. Best of luck to Patrick.

[victoria]

Oh, my word. I love you. I love your writing and your photos and your children. Try Wellbutrin.

When you figure out how to handle it gracefully when someone's mean to you for no reason LET ME KNOW. I still haven't figured this out.

[victoria]

Lisame,

You should be ashamed of yourself, you pathetic loser.

[TheGoriWife]

I was bullied a bit in elementary and middle school, and I can say from experience that "just ignore it" is....I can't think of the word. What is it when you clip a birds wings or render someone powerless without recourse? My kid's only 4 so I am glad to have time to figure out how to deal with these things because I am utterly unprepared, though I share the same thoughts as you about karate. Perhaps I should look into it now, in fact. Thanks for the idea.

[Cantabile]

I would agree that Patrick is probably being bullied for his good behavior, and DEFINITELY for his intelligence. As a child, my classmates would constantly comment on my "big words" and me "always knowing the answer." Other kids picked up on that, and I was bullied for the rest of grade school.

The knee-jerk response to not being able to keep up with everyone else is to find something-anything-that will distract your peers, because nobody likes to feel stupid. Unfortunately for Patrick, he's suffering at the expense of some insecure little brats that are feeding off of his reactions.

The best response that I can think of is, "Is that supposed to make me feel bad? Maybe you're confused. See, I'm definitely a boy. Patricia is a girl's name."

[elsimom]

I hate mean kids.
I like the suggestion of helping Patrick find allies - sometimes the best answer to bullying is feeling like the bullies are the uncool ones.
I also think it's worth raising the issue with an appropriate adult at his school - the guidance counselor (if there is one) may be better than the teacher. At my daughter's school, when we had some "mean girl" happenings, the guidance counselor came in to the whole class and did a presentation on inclusion - no one singled out, but the message was delivered.
We also encountered a bully last year with my son - we quickly learned that this boy was pretty indiscriminate in his meanness and it seemed to stem from his own personal issues - once we had that information, we were able to help our son understand that the best solution in this particular instance was to walk away, and simply tell the teacher the facts of what was happening (others were doing the same, so no "stigma" from telling an adult).

Finally - if you are interested in sampling martial arts, there is a community ed provider in the Twin Cities (National Treasure Kung Fu) that does Kung Fu classes in both Hennepin and Dakota counties. The price is MUCH more reasonable than some of the karate or taekwando studios (dojos?) we looked into - and we think the teacher at our location (who runs the whole thing) is outstanding. He works with students at all levels (including at least one special needs child at our location) and applies a good amount of structure with a LOT of kindness and enthusiasm for the individual students (whose names he learns with an ease I find miraculous!) We just started back last night, and my son is so excited. For the price (I think $69 for 6 weeks) it might be a good test of whether there's an interest before you make a much bigger commitment. (The Karate place by our house wanted $110 month, paid 6 months in advance - eek!!!!)

[Genevieve]

Our school does whole programs on bullying, with some frequency, and it seems to really help cut it down -- can you ask the school guidance counselor if she does any programs on this?

Books for Edward and Caroline:
Dinosaur vs. Bedtime
Shark vs. Train
(Unfortunately, there's no Dinosaur vs. Train)

Books for you (entertaining and also nudging you towards the paleoist side):
Remarkable Creatures, by Tracy Chevalier (author of Girl With a Pearl Earring)
Charles and Emma, by Deborah Heiligman (YA book, multi-awarded last year, will make evolution seem like an 'of course!' while also being an interesting double biography of Victorians)

[beth S]

Wow, so sorry Patrick is dealing with this. I think we have been extremely lucky in that respect with Bugman. Or he is just soo completely clueless that it doesn't bother him at all when he is teased. :-)

As for karate - YES YES YES!!! I passed my Black Belt Test a couple weeks ago in Tang Soo Do but really, any kind of karate would be great for your whole family. I think the biggest thing you need to look for is a family friendly place with an instructor who really likes and works well with the kids. There are so many schools out there who just do it for the money and will sell black belts to anyone (a 6 year old cannot possibly earn a Black Belt in my mind, there is just too much mental and spiritual growth that needs to happen first). And studios who want a monthly fee up front foor 6 months to a year are CRAZY. there are plenty of month to month places and even Parks and Rec classes have great instructors.

[Lioness]

Wait, you're not sure you fully believe in evolution? Oh please, do tell us more! That one completely threw me.

[jennamom2boys]

Don't know how many people are on Team Lexapro so far, but it has been fantastic for me. I've been at various times over the last ten years on that, Zoloft, Prozac, and Effexor, and Lexapro apparently is the drug of choice for those of us with primarily anxious thoughts. It really does help me to just chill, for god's sake. Can't recommend it enough.

[Brooke]

I am also very uneasy with teaching Patrick to in anyway validate that being called a girl is bad. Sexism and homophobia, yea?!

He could ignore them maybe, and then act surprised they were talking to him, since they weren't using his name? I dunno really.

Take heart about the dinosaurs. All the ones they had when we were kids have been replaced since the science was wrong.

[rupiedupie]

"MY NAME is PATRICK. I'm a boy. I have a PENIS...which YOU SHOULD KNOW about 'cause YOU'RE A REAL DICK!"

Let the chips fall where they may.

Is that too harsh?

[Carrie (in MN)]

The comments on this post are fascinating.

[Cee]

Paxil is an awful, terrible, outdated drug that does nasty things. It helped me immensely when I needed it, but I've been trying to wean off it for almost two years. Get away while you can!

I would tell Patrick to tell the other boys to fuck off, but I suppose that is not appropriate in an elementary school setting.

Also, I've said this before, but Edward is like a creepily beautiful child. Your other children are gorgeous of course, but Edward turns the world on with his smile.

[Anna]

Another Lexapro person here - I previously tried Luvox, which didn't work as well for me, and when I switched the psych just transferred me straight to a "roughly similar" dose of Lexapro - so no gradually weaning down on one and the up on the other. I just mention as something to maybe discuss - definitely only do this under medical supervision!

And ditto on Dinosaur Train! We have just started watching it - boys aged 3.5 and 2 love it. I have been wondering when the 3.5 yo would get into dinosaurs, which seem like a compulsory small-boy activity. He has been a huge train fan for ages. And then, voila! The perfect entry-level dinosaur... erm... vehicle. Those market researchers have done their job well.

[rupiedupie]

p.s.
I'm with 'victoria'...
and 'Lylah's' kid is brill.

p.p.s.
We've promised our boys in advance, that self protection either verbal or physical(in bully situations like Patrick's)would result in HIGH high fives and a trip to the icecream parlor for a scoop of their favorite flavor.
Standing up for oneself on moral grounds is something we fully support.

[nini]

Karate is awesome, positive, exciting, and fun. The balance, coordination, etc. is great too.
And I agree with the others who say Patrick should stand up for himself by first smiling, and changing the other boys' names or use quick comebacks that are of equal put-down value, you know, stand-up comic style. He is creative enough to be quick on his feet like that. If I was ever teased in school that's what I did and it worked like a charm. Always smile first because it sends that message of "oh good, you wanna go there? This is fun for me too."
The teacher might be ignoring because she hates all boys, but wouldn't she jump at the chance to punish? I think they are doing it out of earshot. I also believe that that nasty teacher has set a tone of nastiness and it's spreading like wild fire. She picks on them, they pick on each other.
Just me 2 cents...=)

[Elizabeth]

I would agree with the fold suggesting that the "Patricia" thing is linked to the anti-boy teacher. Seriously, now that we know there is also bullying going on in class is sounds like she has poor control of the classroom and is taking it out on the boys, to the detriment of everyone.

I would urge you to join forces with ballistic-dad and take this to the principal. Think about it. If this teacher were working for a corporation and she treated eith clients or her reports in this way AND there was confiriming notes and emails she'd already have picked up her last paycheck from HR. Why should it be any different just because her clients are 8 year olds? OK, I know that due to the political realities of teachers unions it is different, but if anything the age of the people being affected by her bias makes this worse than it would be in the corporate world where it absolutely would not be tolerated in this day and age.

[Stacey]

I can't remember if I recommended this already or not - but I highly recommend the book "The Chemistry of Joy" as a must read for those with light anxiety/depression issues and considering medication.

[anon]

Someone asked about successful people who were once bullied. I don't know if anyone has already mentioned the "It Gets Better" project. It is a series of videos about bullying made by now famous people. In the videos celebrities talk about their experiences and how life gets better. It is mostly geared towards LBGT youth, but I think that it is a good message for anyone who is different and the object of bullies.

I think that the school needs to address the Patricia thing - and so do the other children's parents.

You surprised me with the dinosaur thing. Even the Creation Museum has dinosaurs - they are just grazing next to Adam and Eve.

[DesiK]

Speaking as one who was mercilessly bullied in school, I would have told Patrick to insult them back. Which I'm sure is exactly the wrong thing to do.

And I should probably feel bad about laughing at "punishment by sex". But I don't.

[Alyce]

Anxiety meds:
-they can take a few weeks to kick in; hope your doc also gave you a fast (immediate) acting one like Valium or Xanax for regular use until that point
-i was falling asleep midday myself, switch dosage to once a day around 8pm; bingo bongo all was well with the world

[E]

I am firmly in the camp of taking the two pronged approach of alerting the school to the bullying situation and teaching Patrick to stand up for himself. We had a similar situation last year for our son in the 4th grade. After googling the development of power and group dynamics among boys at that age, I tossed out the "ignore them" advice I had been peddling and we did some role playing where my son practiced various responses. He wasn't particularly good at or comfortable with any of them (and we had long discussions about the difference between active aggression and the right to defend oneself) but on the one occasion he mustered up the courage to respond in kind in real time on the playground, the kids backed off and the bullying stopped.

[craftyashley]

You know I'm a doctor and everything (huge helping of sarcasm) but I was feeling kind of similar to you after having the baby and dealing with the twins- who are potty training, sassing, etc. I was exhausted and mopey. My doc prescribed Aderall. (I can take it, but can't spell it apparently) I was all weirded out by it- it's an ADD drug, and the teenagers are all addicted to it... blah blah... I could sell it on the street for more than my husband makes in a year... blah blah... it was weird. (and I don't sell it on the street- seriously) But I started taking it! Suddenly having to run to Target with all three kids for extra diapers in the morning wasn't SUCH A DRAG. I felt like I COULD get up and do it- maybe hit the park afterwards and watch the kids play? It has been brilliant. I'm a nicer, happier mom. I get more stuff done. And I'm losing weight. So it's been super good! I highly recommend it!

[Beth]

I don't really know what the right answer is, but i have learned that you have to teach kids to stand up for themselves. In all sorts of situations. My son is the nicest 17 year old boy you'll ever meet, but he has a super hard time defending & standing up for himself because he doesn't really know how. And, i feel like it's my fault for not helping him learn the skills. He's also an only child so he was never really teased, picked on, or had to stand up for what he wanted (last piece of chocolate cake, sure! you want to watch that now, sure! you want the front seat, sure! etc).

Anyway, sorry for the rambling but i do feel it's important to teach kids how to determine what is ok teasing, what is not, what is bullying, what is not, when it's right stand and fight and when it's ok to back down.

sounds like you are on the right track!

[cathy]

This is, indeed, a fascinating thread. What's bugging me about the "teach him to stick up for himself" camp -- at least, the large sector of it that is advocating prepping him with snarky comebacks and cutting witticisms or teaching him to mock his mockers -- has been clarified by Lisame's appalling comment. I assume she meant us to deduce that the only winning strategy is the one that netted her grudging esteem -- when, for me, freedom from bullying came instantaneously and miraculously at the moment that I realized the esteem (not to say friendship) of a bully is a worthless commodity. Granted, that realization only fully came in college -- and in college it's perhaps more reasonable to write someone off on the basis of teasing or other petty cruelties; the kids teasing Patrick probably have plenty of redeeming qualities when they aren't being little twits. But still, it isn't Patrick's job to figure out a retort that is wittier and more devastating than what gets thrown at him.

More broadly, I think that any strategy that relies on controlling or determining the actions of these other kids is a weak one (unless, of course, the strategy is being handled by teachers and parents). I don't know where people get their anecdotal certitude that not fighting back is a universally doomed approach, but attempting to fight back is hardly a sure thing either. For me, the most powerful response is one that encourages him to develop a sense of his own worth independent of what lameness other people come up with -- and I cannot see that self-worth being meaningfully bolstered by teaching him to imitate his attackers. So, karate is good; helping him to seek out meaningful friendships elsewhere is good; telling him that you understand how bad it feels to be teased, and that you are willing to help him figure out ways not to let it ruin his life -- to intervene to help stop it if that's what he wants -- is good. That's the sort of "standing up for himself" I think will be really valuable in the long term.

I don't know why I'm reacting so strongly to this -- partly because the media surrounding the recent string of bullying-related suicides seems to elicit enormous parental anxiety about how to Stop Bullies, or how to Protect Our Kids From Bullies -- as if bullies were this radically other sort of kid -- and not enough thought about how we might raise kids who won't themselves lapse into thoughtless cruelty. To my mind, the fact that Patrick doesn't have an intuitive sense of how he might retaliate against these kids is a good thing, something that testifies to the kindness and respect he's grown up with. I don't think that preserving that quality in him has to equal throwing him to the wolves.

[AnnaN]

I don't think everyone should automatically assume that those children calling Patrick "Patricia" are bullies. It IS a bullying behavior, but at that age, the hard and fast bully is not a normal occurrence. There is a fine line between a tease/joke and bullyish belittling and most children that age don't quite know the difference. Unless they come from an abusive environment. Really, as evidenced by the above comment, some adults have that problem as well.

This behavior could be coming from some kids that Patrick would have (and still does) considers his friends. And it's a perfect opportunity to teach them that a joke which is mean is not a joke.

All Patrick has to do is be up front and honest. It usually stops people in their tracks at any age if done with sincerity. The next time it happens, tell Patrick to say, "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Why do you deliberately want to be mean to me?" If there is one true bully (there is usually only one and a bunch of followers) and Patrick gets a response such as "cuz ur momma wears combat boots, squirt!" Patrick's only response should be to shrug and walk away.

Usually, questioning a young taunter as to their motives will nip it in the bud. Most of the time kids have no clue how their actions affect the feelings of others. If this is a situation where a true bully is at work, then the principal, not this particular teacher, should be involved.

Good luck to my favorite little milliner.

[L.]

I wish I could offer good idea about bullying. Like others, my kids are too young to be dealing with this yet, but I will be reading the comments to gather ideas for the future. I was bullied and it sucked. Ignoring and fighting back didn't work, so my guess is the humorous/snappy-comeback idea is a good one.

As for martial arts, I totally am planning on that when my kids are old enough. I am biased because I have friends who run a dojo, but please let me suggest aikido. My understanding is very basic but it has an interesting and appealing philosophy--"Aikido is performed by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the force of the attack rather than opposing it head-on. This requires very little physical strength, as the aikidōka (aikido practitioner) "leads" the attacker's momentum using entering and turning movements."--and the practice uses lots of circular movements.

Anyway. I hope you let us know what happens and what you decide to do.

I don't know about relating Patrick's experience to that teacher, but I still can't believe she is getting away with this behavior. Appalling and despicable.

[Pam L]

Yes, yes, YES on Karate, or Tae Kwon Do or whatever version they are teaching to a youth oriented class. My son , who now has his Black Belt, started in a Boys Club version that was perfect for him at first. The Sensei was very encouraging but it was a real workout too. Parents helped maintain order so I got to see it every week. Lots of exercises to warm up first, push-ups, crunches, etc., then the kicks and punches training and always stretching before and after. Paul is not a team sports player meaning he does better with more individual type sports, like karate,pole vaulting, field events, running etc. There was always a talk at the end of class about stranger danger, how to avoid fights, how to get away if possible, and then how to defend yourself if you had to. I liked that at the end of each class the kids had to repeat the following with their hand in the air. "I will respect my parents, I will respect my Instructor, I will not mis-use my karate". He later changed to a more adult type Go Jo Ru Tae Kwon Do class where he got his Black Belt which took about 5 years going almost all year every year. It was a great thing for him to stay fit and build confidence in himself. The end.

[L.]

Also, I am totally aghast that you have questions about evolution...?! Try reading "The Beak of the Finch."

[Pam L]

Oh, and I will not tell Paul he memorized all those dinosaur names in vain, I am a believer, although I think they take artistic license with the coloring in depictions of them.

[Kathleen]

This isn't Patrick's problem, it is a problem of our world in general and the school in particular - and the problem is that we are shitty at dealing with difference/quirkiness/etc. I agree with the people who said it's Patricia now, and it'll be fag in 5 years...It doesn't matter whether these boys are "bullies" the only thing that matters is that what they are doing is bullying. You have to be very un-you, Julia! Demand it of the teacher/principal etc. that they nip this sort of shit in the bud.

The "working on Patrick's self-esteem" thing is fine and dandy, and you can do that too if you want, but that shouldn't be your main response. Kids have been killing themselves recently because of other kids being allowed to be horrible beyond imagination, and the answer is that we need to stop letting kids be so horrible.

[Alexicographer]

I love your writing. And they have something that combines dinosaurs and trains? Why wasn't my son advised?

I'm no help on the bullying, but was recently pointed (indirectly) to this blog post, which others raved about: http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html. If you can stay awake long enough to read not only it but the comments I am told there is good information in there.

[Alexicographer]

Sorry, link above isn't clickable, but works if you remove the period at the end. Should read
http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html

.

[Vanessa]

In sixth grade, I spent my lunch periods hiding in the library, helping the librarian shelve books, so I'd have an excuse to stay off the playground and away from my tormentors. I won a special citizenship award for my "volunteerism" at the end of the year, which I found bitterly amusing because it was other people's bad citizenship that had driven me into the library in the first place. (This was at a gifted magnet school, BTW - smart kids are just as evil as other kids, if not more so.) The torture continued all the way through eighth grade, and then I changed schools and that was the end of it. Those were the longest three years of my life, though.

Anyway, my daughter is in sixth grade this year, and I told her that if anyone picks on her, she has my permission to either punch them in the face or tell them to f-off, and I'll sort it out with the school afterward. I know this isn't particularly responsible or politically correct of me, but I'm not going to see her suffer like I did.

[Leah]

OMFG, as a former nerdy bespectacled adolescent girl who was forced to spend countless hours at kung fu class WITH MY FATHER (sometimes we went three times a week! there was a 40 minute drive each way!!), all I can say is, let him do martial arts if/as long as he enjoys it. Please. (It did not make the bullies go away. But maybe it would be different for a boy.)

[amy]

Your "Dinosaur Train" comments made me laugh. My husband and I had the exact conversation a while ago when our kids watched it for the first time -- only it was something like "Dinosaur Train Under the Ocean." Dinosaurs! Trains! Ocean! It has something for everyone!

[kris (lower case)]

don't let patrick be teased... you must get the teacher or appove her involved. it is just not right to allow an 8 yr old to be teased. karate is fine, it might help with any confidence issues he may have but it is not going to stop the teasing and i think with his idiot teacher he had enough to deal with this year.

[rupiedupie]

Here here 'Vanessa'.
I'm all in your camp sister!

[Priscilla]

I am an anxiety girl with a side of depression and I heart Lexapro. Minimal side effects, great results.

I would tell Patrick to stand up for himself. I don't know that I'd mimic the lame-ass tormenter's tactics, but I do like the "Seriously? Patricia? That's the best you can do?" slant. I'm sure Patrick can come up with something age and situation appropriate. Maybe he just needs to know he can fire back?

I also like the idea of reaching out to the guidance counselor at school - he/she may have some good ideas. I think at least part of the problem is rooted in the biased teacher, and the counselor might have some ideas on that, too.

[TracyA]

Get yourself some Lexapro! It does wonders!

[Jen]

In my stepson's elementary school, as a part of their anti-bully program they read and discussed "Simon's Hook", a book about how to avoid getting "hooked" by teasers. It's got four or five tactics: agree with the teaser, make a joke out of it, avoid, ... I can't remember the rest, but it was a pretty comprehensive treatment of the issue.

I'd love to hear some of Caroline's monologues. Record them for us?

[Hetty Fauxvert]

I think the martial arts would be great for Patrick. I don't know the answer to this particular situation with the irritating boys, but I do know that in general, people who present themselves as victims (through their body language) get regarded that way. If he begins to present himself as confident and physically completely "present," he'll get a lot less guff as he goes through school.

Re the woods: I also had issues with taking our young twin boys outside on our one-acre property, until we got it *completely* fenced (it was partially fenced before). They make plastic safety fencing in dark green (like the orange safety fencing you see around construction sites), and it is sturdy enough to arrest a youngster's headlong flight to Neverneverland (or out to the road!). It is relatively cheap and goes up in an afternoon. I have become MUCH more relaxed about letting our boys run around with only me to monitor since we got them more-or-less contained.

Loved the thing about the ghost! We moved to the house I grew up in when I was 2, and a few months later (so I am told) I came to my mom and asked her who the "gray lady" was. The gray lady? asked my startled mother. I told her a "gray lady" had come in from the other room and looked at me while I was lying on the couch. No answers, then or now ... but interesting, I've always thought! Who knows what Edward saw? :)

[Fanny Price]

I just wanted to quickly say that if you do end up trying Wellbutrin, keep a very close eye on how you respond. It seems that either it works brilliantly, or it can turns an averagely depressed person into someone who starts to seriously consider jumping off a bridge. I was the latter; it was terrifying. After two weeks it started getting pretty bad and just got a little worse each day until I figured out that it was the antidepressant that was trying to kill me.

I hope that you will find a medication that is a good fit for you very soon! Love your blog.

(p.s. not for everyone, I know, but I take St John's Wort now and it has changed my life. If only I had started taking it years ago....!)

[tgsdmom]

Patrick being bullied is distressing. Although many of my family members (it's in our genes) suffered of it too, I have no real advice for you. We used various techniques at various proportions, depending on personal character and disposition. This included being aggressive, reclusive and ignoring. Involving teachers was tried in a few cases with null results. The solution to the problem was, sadly, time. There are "scars" left, of course. Some of them make us better or more interesting. Some leave us more socially awkward than we might have been otherwise.

This post had some of the best pictures ever. It seems the weather helped in that too. :-)

I certainly "believe" in evolution and even in dinosaurs. I do not believe in ghosts or anything spiritual. Maybe Steve (and Patrick) will convert you some day. ;-)

[Crystal]

Since we thought we were moving to an awesome school district and I would be putting the boys in school, we had some discussions about things like this the other day.

I told the boys, if someone says something that makes you unhappy, tell them, calmly, walk away, and do something fun. Grab your brother, or a friend, and go have a good time. They all took turns acting out several scenarios, including they are to clean someone's clock if someone tries to clean theirs. I told them they need to do their best to diffuse, but they have to do so from a position of strength, and a willingness to do what may need to be done.

We also had some discussions about ways to create a better school community, that people of any age treat others poorly when they feel powerless. Bullied kids often themselves will bully given the opportunity, so befriend other kids, defend those being bullied, take the lead in reaching out to others and hanging around with friends who do the same.

We are unusually lucky that John is a pretty secure kid, not too concerned with what anyone else thinks, and has incredible social skills. I think I would fail miserably at raising a child with autism if he didn't have a great big brother to model himself after.

John struggled a lot socially when he was younger. Not having had access to the educational options Patrick has, I think homeschooling was important, it allowed him to develop a secure sense of self and social skills without undue pressure. Once he was ready, he blossomed socially. It's been a blessing with the younger two.

I tend to use a lot of role playing. Like any other response to a stressful situation, it needs to be a well-conditioned response, and there needs to be several back ups, all well rehearsed. Having a plethora of tools to fall back on makes unpleasant social situations easier to deal with.

Aw, heck, I hit my first deer last night, when we were supposed to be heading south to St. Louis, Instead we're in a hotel in Traverse City, and my brain is fried. I'm useless....

[MJ]

On the bullying: what I learned from my husband's advice to our boys was that if Patrick is going to do anything in response, he needs to deal with the leader of the pack - take the leader down and any others will fall away as well. I hate the idea of retorts that are sexist, or of the "is that all you have?" variety, since that just encourages the bullies to come back with more. I'd instead go with the "what is your problem?" kind of comeback. But mostly you should ask Steve what to do - this is an area where a father can really help. And I also second the martial arts; for us tae kwon do after moving to a new town was a great confidence builder, but the type of martial art probably isn't as important as how the teacher runs the class.

[Jessy]

No, no, good god no, don't tell Patrick that the correct response to being called "Patricia" is to call "Michael" "Michelle." All that does is teach everyone - Patrick included - that being a girl is so awful and worthless that it is an insult.

I'm fine with teaching him to fight back - not my first choice, but I get it - but if you let him go with this approach, you have just contributed to the odious gender going-ons of his classroom.

[tree town gal]

I find this all so interesting, too... I think I failed my daughter when one of her "friends" turned on her last year. I'm not sure of the answer -- if there is even an answer.

That said, I'm still more wrapped up (obsessed) with Patrick's insane teacher. Did you or anyone let the admin know about these incidences? Even though boy punishment has technically stopped, I bet the underlying comments and snide remarks still drool out of that wackos mouth. Do followup for all of us. I bet this is not the first year this has happpened. Such an impressive school should not be that out of touch.

Got nothin' to add re: meds. But at the risk of being redundant, good heavens I adore those photos and your writing. I love when my kids play like puppies. ONE of your books should be just of your photos and captions. God woman, you are talented and hilarious. We should be hearing you on NPR along with Alexa!