Guns and Butter

Patrick spent half the day yesterday draping his room in white sheets in order to set up the photography studio necessary to obtain the artwork he wants for the Lego magazine he has decided to write illustrate edit and publish; and the other half filling every tupperware container I own with various soap mixtures in his ongoing attempt to create the coveted but illusive Unbreakable Bubble.

As we got ready for bed Steve said, "Why is there corn syrup in the bathroom?"

"Because Patrick thought the thickness of it might improve the durability of his bubble solution."

"Is that also why your toothbrush is coated with Dawn?"

"My toothbrush is... oh DAMN the child."

So this morning I ran into Target with a clear, three minute goal: buy a new toothbrush.

Forty-five minutes later I emerged with an Elefun game for Caroline (I seriously have no idea what to buy her for Christmas/birthday - this thing is an elephant that blows butterflies out of its trunk; I expect she could use it as a cannon;) four bags of cat food for sensitive systems (you're sensitive if you throw up when you're mad, right?) six Mardi Gras bead necklaces for $1 (Caroline again - she can shoot them out of her elephant cannon;) a laser pointer shaped like a mouse (stocking stuffer for Patrick - he likes playing with the cats;) a jumbo bag of Peppermint Patties (no explanation needed) and a can of pineapple that must have fallen into my cart by accident because I seriously have no recollection of even being in that aisle. What did I not buy?

*Commercial break while you contemplate your answer

Hey! I have an ad above my, um, title bar banner - my first ever - and I charged a relatively small fortune for it so I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate it if you would click on it so the advertiser can consider it a small fortune well spent and do it again some time. It's a link to enter a sweepstakes to win a cruise, too, so it's not like I'm sending you someplace horrible. And before you say that no one ever wins those things I will have you know that my father once filled out a sweepstakes card for Magic Flute wine and they sent him to Vienna. Austria, I mean, not Virginia. So there. Go. Click. Click again. I'll wait.

Time's up*

A toothbrush, of course.

Speaking of toothbrushes Patrick went to the dentist two weeks ago and continues his streak of being cavity-free with nice straight teeth and plenty of room for more. As he was leaving he was allowed to pick two prizes from the treasure wall and after careful deliberation he selected a tiny frisbee shooter for himself and he presented me with a stunning emeraldesque and diamondette ring.

He really is a very sweet kid.

The ring, of course, did not fit me but I did not want to disappoint him so I crammed it as far as it would go onto my pinkie and after I dropped him off at school I pried it off and dropped it into the catch-all in the car for some to-be-determined future purpose. Which...

I don't even remember who suggested geocaching (one of you, most likely) but Patrick and I started a little over a week ago and we have rapidly become addicts. A geocache is a... thing (maybe a tiny container with just a sheet of paper to sign, maybe a slightly larger one with random stuff in it) that people hide all over the world. They then post the coordinates online and to find them you can use the GPS device of your choosing (I hear iphones work - I wouldn't know since we live at the epicenter of a cell service dead zone and thus require no mobile telephonic device more sophisticated than the ones you might give a small child for emergencies: mine is practically Hello Kitty pink with three big buttons labeled HELP HOME and GRANDMA.)

I had given Steve a fairly fancy GPS handheld a few years ago for Christmas with the idea that he might not want to get lost in the wild and die. Steve, however, is apparently a woodsy purist who prefers to navigate by sense of smell and I think the idea of carrying an extra pound of battery-operated cheat appalled him. He thanked me politely and put the thing in his office where it promptly fell into a Snow White coma, waiting for someone to awaken it. When I first considered geocaching I thought maybe the normal Garmin we got for our cross-country trip would work (you remember, Garmy, who tried to kill us on the TransCanada Highway?) but then I remembered Steve's Rino Garmin with all its fancy icons and I fetched that instead. Patrick has named it Argy and we love it like the puppy I refuse to buy.

Seriously, geocaching is pretty much the most fun you can have with another person, especially if the other person is eight and you don't object to too much fresh air and wandering around a lot.

This was our first successful find. We had to go back twice because we had no idea that a cache could be so tiny and we were kicking around the snow looking for a breadbox when we should have been... well, I don't want to ruin it for you.

Sometimes, we discovered, the cache has treasure in it and the rule is you are allowed to take something provided you leave something of equal or greater value. The first one we found like this had a few pretty beads and we thought maybe we could start a geocache necklace but in order to take a bead we had to figure out what to leave.

Patrick asked if I would mind, terribly, if we left the ring he had given me?

I said I could learn to live without it in time so we made the exchange and that was that. One bead to the good; one finger strangling plastic ring to the bad.

We took Caroline and Edward and Steve with us to another one a few days later but that was a little stressful, frankly. Patrick and I were scrambling around an icy bridge looking for the cache and I was convinced that Caroline and Edward were going to get billygoat gruffed into the water. They survived although Steve and I each had to carry a twin the quarter mile back to the car.

I thought this was quite touching. Edward, very literally, following in Patrick's footsteps.

Poor Edward. With the exception of my normal-headed self he is the only member of the family who does not possess a head circumference in the bottom tenth percentile. I was unprepared for his head needs this season.

Doesn't that hat look like a tomato skin about to pop right off?

Where was I? Oh right. Geocaching. Fun for the whole family - exercise, compass reading, exploring. You know, you could probably work a holiday gift out of it now that I think about it. Buy a little geocaching handheld - something to consider. 

Hair picture as requested. Please note that I had to crop most of it because unbeknowst to me an extremely naked Caroline was prancing around in the background. I set the timer to take ten successive photographs as Edward and I were posing all Madonna and Child and when I went to check the pictures I discovered the Benny Hill element. Funny as a series and I would love to share it with you but, alas, not internet appropriate. Caroline, by the way, is in a permanent state of deshabille because she decided on Wednesday that she no longer wants to wear a diaper and I guess she figured the clothes might as well go, too. I don't want to say too much on the subject for fear of jinxing it again (she had a potty flirtation last June but it was just one of those summer flings) but so far she is on day five of successfully potty training herself. I think I'll have her do Edward next.

I could use some blog inspiration. What stories do I owe you? What do you want to know? Anything you want to ask each other and would like me to post for you? Lemme know. I'd appreciate a nudge and I solemnly promise on this stack of Georgette Heyers to answer anything you ask - hopefully you can help me to write more often.

PS No good place to stick this question but I just cleaned out my front hall closet and found our old (broken) video recorder and a stack of six mini DV tapes that contain all video record of Patrick's first three years. Can you think of any way - short of buying a new camcorder that plays mini DV tapes or getting this one fixed - that I can transfer the video on these tapes onto my Mac? 

PPS Don't forget to click the ad up there. THANK YOU! 

Comments

[Stephanie M]

There are companies that change tapes to DVD, I know...and sometimes are quite reasonable.

I love your posts, no matter what you post, and I wouldn't have a clue what to ask. Sorry, no help here. :(

[Wendy]

Clicked and registered and even watched the video they wanted me to see. (I chose Tron.)

Did I lose track of your cooking blog? Are you updating it and I just don't have it in my feed? If not, food is always a nice subject. And if yes, um, you could maybe put a link on this blog to that blog?

[cathy]

I believe we left college-age you in Mexico, several men drifting in your wake, and an unsuitable husband looming on the horizon.

[Erin]

Yes, yes, what Cathy said! I just went back through your archives sure I'd missed the end to this story. I want to know what happened after you dismissed Honduran prostitute as a job opportunity.

[TAC]

Yeah! What Cathy said! I want to hear about your first marriage. I hope it was to an Argentine rogue.

[PlantingOaks]

ooh, topics!
You hinted at some point that there was a story about a man you divorced in Tiajuana? Or something like that? It sounded like a whopper in any case. So, if you're taking requests, I'd like to finally hear what that was all about.

[Amy]

I second the finishing of the ex-husband story.

Also love any story about Caroline and Edward.

[Madeleine]

I'm pretty sure you can outsource that video transfer. I've considered it even though our old video cam does work. Or, hmmm, did last time I tried it several years ago.

[cindy w]

My understanding is that there are video stores that will take your old video tapes and convert them to DVD, so you can upload it onto your computer. My mom did this with all of our old home movies from the 70s. (No sound & the video quality isn't great, but hey, it's really sweet to watch things like my long-deceased granddad holding me in the ocean when I was about 6 months old.) Anyway, not sure what's in your area, but worth investigating.

[MJ]

Add my vote to finishing your story of the first marriage. Maybe that's not fair when you've given us such a beautiful Madonna and child picture, but you asked for suggestions.

[Steph]

I'm with all the others so far . . 1st marriage.

The elephant game is supposed to be great.

[Andrea]

Are they Georgette Heyer mysteries, or romances? I have run out of Heyer mysteries, and as she seems disinclined to compose a new one via Ouija board I am left to contemplate the romances. I could do with a "yay" or "nay" in the recommendation department . . .

[Fuzz]

Ditto -- ex-husband story!

[Christa]

ex-husband, food blog, college football picks, and can Patrick type? He'd make a great guest blogger. Can he recommend a book like the Wimpy Kid series for my nine year old son? My Jacob will stay up way past his bedtime to read the new one in one sitting and I'd love to find another book or series that appeals to him just as much.

[Colleen]

Much as we all would like to hear about the Honduran episode and first marriage, I suspect if you wanted to finish that story you would have by now... Nonetheless, it still gets my vote if it's on the table! Can you edit it to protect the (not-so?) innocent?

[Marsha]

Like so many others I'd like to know more about the ex-husband. Also: the unfinished MBA. Wasn't there something on that started a few years back?

And? Our GPS is named Mrs. Ashi.

[tk_zk]

So funny... we are all on the same page here. Finish the chronicle of your youthful romances already!

Thanks for all the great funny blogging so far, btw (praise primes the pump, right?).

That elephant toy is actually quite fun. My nephew had it and loved it.

[NGS]

Did you know that there are places where you can drop off old electronics for free?! At least in Hennepin County there are. We took two broken TVs and a VCR there last week! I think that's amazing. Free! (Your broken video recorder story made me think of that.)

[Elizabeth_K]

Yes, dying to know the end of the first husband story!

[katherine]

Um, still reading your post, but wanted to let you know: There is no ad on top of your banner. Actually, there is not a single ad on your entire site today. Is this a Mac thing? Oh, wait, will check through Firefox...
*****
Yes, it works with Firefox. Your ad just hates Safari. Thought I'd let you know.

[Noelle]

To Christa: I know you didn't ask me, but my kids 8, 11 & 13) are LOVING the "Sisters Grimm" series by Michael Buckley. Hi-larious!

To Julia: Can we all tag along on a geocache day soon? We used to be way into it, but we've sort of forgotten our way and forgotten how much our whole family enjoys it.

Also, something else you and Patrick would enjoy is letterboxing. It's also a treasure hunt sort of thing but with only clues but no GPS. The clues are often riddles, stories or songs that might be historically, geographically or culturally specific in nature. The 'cache' is artistic in that people make (or buy) rubber stamps and sign-by-stamping a guest book of some sort when they make the find. It's been awhile since we played, and last I checked there weren't as many letterbox hunts as geocaches around here, but it might be a fun addition to your new hobby sometime.

[Terri C]

Hair=gorgeous. Nekkid Caroline=still showing at right of photo. Hilarious, that child. Love the idea of the elephant cannon.

[alison]

Does your (broken) camera have a firewire cable or some way to get them to the computer? Depending on how disabled it is, it might work enough that you could pull the videos off the tapes that way.

Otherwise, you might check with a local community college or something and see if they have a camera like yours that you could use at the school to pull the tapes onto a computer and then burn to a CD or DVD (or email them, or put them on youtube, etcetera). :)

[Pat]

I am concerned about privacy issues, so will stick with buying an occasional anonymous lottery ticket. But just wanted to let you know that your ad banner does show up using Sea Monkey.
Love reading anything you write.

[elsimom]

I think local camera stores like Ritz or National Camera or ProEx might offer the video conversion services.
I think our children would really enjoy geocaching. Must look into that.

[Penny]

Any new stories from Patrick's school? How about the shower lady, was anything else ever said? I'd love to hear more about you growing up. Stories from your school years. Crazy things you and your friends did. Honestly you could write about your grocery list and I would read! You have a way with words. And I hope we can give you some inspiration to write more! It seriously makes my day to see a new post from you. Thanks!

[Jackie]

A cousin of geocaching is letterboxing -- which can include puzzles or clues to be solved to find the letterbox. http://www.atlasquest.com/

[Jessica]

re self-published lego magazine: PUT YOUR KID ON ETSY please oh please!

[Ryan Elizabeth]

Clicked, registered, watched the promo for Black Swan, which I'm so excited to see.
As with many others, I'm with Cathy, and would like some Julia Past adventures.

[Jan]

Agree that you should check with a local camera store about putting the tapes on DVD. They've had to accommodate to the changes from film to digital and customers' interest. Um, stories owed -- I harped on it until I realized you might have a confidential reason for not telling, but after soliciting and getting all of the input on the school Halloween party, you never told us how it ended up. Not very important, I agree, and probably pathetic to be this interested! I do hope it went reasonably well!

[Julie]

Bummer, my work IT blocked the cruise registry (I NEED a cruise!) Hope my click still counts. And, yes, we still have an ex to discuss :)

[SarcastiCarrie]

I thought it was Central American and Julian or something that you were chasing after. Something like that. Would very much like to hear how that ended and turned into living in Chicago with my husband.

[Christine]

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wondering if you finished the first-husband story and I missed it somehow. So that, please.

My husband just took the kids to find a geocache yesterday morning and it was announced a great success. I have a small box of useless party favors and things labelled "Geocaching items" - it's a great way to get rid of stuff, one tiny thing at a time.

[Kim]

As has been stated before me I'm sure, in the vein of Blog Topics:
The first husband of record. All I recall of this tale was that it began because you were horribly afraid of someday encountering your ex-mother-in-law online. And Part One concluded with you in some central american country, pining, and having to get strangers to buy you beer because the local pub wouldn't serve "prostitutes." ... or something like that.

[Jess]

I'd like to know how you met Steve.

[SarahB]

Yes, yes! The unsuitable husband! Please finish that story.

[Kelly]

I'm with the 27 other people who want to hear the ending of the story of your 1st marriage but I also like Jess' suggestion of how you met Steve. Please do tell us how you met the oh so handsome and affable Steve...

[ShawnaATL]

Have Edward and Caroline done any modeling? I saw a My Own Kitchen the other day and the picture on the front looked remarkably like them!

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRKw6he0GHmLHyVWv_bKegrd1wscYEzhkWkyTJFhZhFlsc4E0hD

[ShawnaATL]

Have Caroline and Edward done any modeling? This looks just like them on this My Very Own Kitchen!

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRKw6he0GHmLHyVWv_bKegrd1wscYEzhkWkyTJFhZhFlsc4E0hD

[Clarabella]

If there is a university near you, their tech dept might do the tape-to-DVD transfer for you, possibly for cheaper than a video/tech store. I know ours (Uni, that is) does.
My first thought for a post request was the completion, or just another chapter, of the ex-husband, South America story. I see I am not the only one still wondering...

[Libby]

One word: JULIAN!

[Amy]

Elefun -- we have it, and it provides a lot of entertainment for the 4yr old. However, beware of occasional high frustration due to those damn butterflies often getting stuck in the trunk. Or maybe it's just my kid who flies off the handle at that.

Mini-DVs -- I am in the exact same predicament with our digital video recorder purchased in 2002. Actually, not exactly. The camera works fine still, and I still haul it out when I think of it. However my modern-era computer with Windows 7 is incompatible with the camera and the folks at Panasonic say there are no drivers or anything that will help me. A friend recently told me that Yuck-Walmart does conversion services which I bet run cheaper than the photog shops were quoting me when I called around last year. I still haven't actually taken them anywhere, just keep recording more.

Unsolicited book rec for Patrick: Drizzle. My Owen read it a few months ago and still talks about it.
http://www.amazon.com/Drizzle-Kathleen-Van-Cleve/dp/0803733623/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291673931&sr=8-1

[KatieV]

Another vote for the previous marriage story.

And I clicked on the ad. :)

[JulieO]

Oh god, my request is so lame that I've typed it and deleted it twice now. You want to know what I've been dying to know for years?? I want to know the name of the restaurant that had the fries shaped like letters.

I've read your blog for years, and live in the same small town as you. I've thought many times that I'd either run into you somewhere and ask you then, or that I'd just happen to bring my family to that particular restaurant, but neither has happened yet. Which is weird, because our town really IS small. So, since you asked....that is my lame request. Oh, and the conclusion to the Julian story.....

[Catherine]

I have to say, I was expecting a graph when I clicked on your post in my feed reader. There are two things that can take my mind back to my freshman microecon seminar: "guns & butter" and those 4 color pens that make the clickity noise every time you change colors. I LOATHE them now. But then, you needed one to draw all your graphs.

Elefun is a HIT here. My 5 & 7 play it regularly. They haven't considered using it as a canon. Yet.

[Brooke]

I have three questions, and I admit to still being let down that there wasn't more to your electricity bill story.
1)Do you have stored embryos?
2)Did you ever have Patrick tested to see if he had the balanced translocation?
3)What did you do for his class Halloween party?

[Cris]

I shall echo Brooke's two questions (good questions, Brooke!) and add

1. Reprint of the Dragon in the Basement story, please! I really want to share that with my sister.
2. Can you ask Patrick what it is called when you add two numbers together (e.g., 7+7) and then add the answer to itself (14+14) and keep going until you reach several million? My daughter keeps doing that on the calculator and the name is driving me nuts.

Also - once you lose or vacuum up all of the butterflies that come with the Elefun, you can cut up pieces of paper, ribbon or metallic tissue paper and they float just as well.

[Cris]

Oh yes - when will you write the hilarious but erudite romance novel that we are all hoping for?

[Ellie]

We have also recently discovered the joys of geocaching. I have a kid who's not too fond of wandering around the great outdoors, but he absolutely loves geocaching and will happily walk for hours. We recently took a trip to London and found several there. I can recommend the Magellan eXplorist geocaching dohickey: http://www.amazon.com/Magellan-eXplorist-GC-Waterproof-Geocaching/dp/B003CYKYVQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291683370&sr=8-1 Not only does it work as a GPS, but you can download all the information on the caches--hints, maps, clues, size, difficulty, etc.

[Lelia]

Could you post (or re-post) some of the best-loved childrens' gifts of Christmases & Birthdays past? There are new little ones in my life and I'm having trouble sorting through what to get a 6 month old and a 3 year old.

And, of course, an "aye" to the other requests!