Bite Me

Patrick's new art class is testing the boundaries of my maternal devotion. I am trying to decide how it could possibly be more inconvenient - Monday nights, dinner time, thirty minute drive, and then I have an hour and a half to kill.

So hello from a school parking lot and I'm sorry for borrowing your WiFi, anonymous stranger within a couple hundred yards of me. I didn't mean to steal it; my Mac just helped itself and the next thing I knew I was downloading email and now it seems like a waste to not write a mini blog post as long as I have a connection. What else do I have to do? Pick up the crumbs in the car?

Actually Steve and I have slight but persistent coolness between us around this very subject. He doesn't understand why I refuse to starve the children during our commutes and I don't understand why he's such a tool about the occasional pulverized Cheerio. Has he met Edward? The child needs to eat a little something at regular intervals or he'll just waste away; and as for Patrick he could be a poster boy for low blood sugar related hysterics and it is only by feeding him the instant he gets into the car that I am able to drive him home from school without banging my head against the steering wheel. Without an apple and something in a carbohydrate he is unbearably obnoxious. So I feed him.

A few weeks ago Steve came in from the garage clutching a handheld vacuum and announced, "There will no longer be any food allowed in the car."

I said, "Don't be absurd" and then we circled each other, hissing, until Steve realized that the only practical way to enforce this rule was for him to drive the kids to school in the morning and - hey imagine that - he has better things to do from 7:45 until 9:30. He said ok fine but you have to clean the car and I said yeah sure I'll be certain to do that as soon as the mess starts to bother me and he said grrruhh and I said I'm so glad we are able to agree to agree, love you baby.

The next day the children really enjoyed the Cheetos and chocolate fondue.

He hasn't brought it up since but I was amused (and irritated. but mostly amused) when we had my family in town and were expecting another ten people for dinner and egg hunting and I was getting a little anxious about finishing the food and finding all of Caroline's discarded underpants before our guests arrived and Steve chose that moment to go vacuum the car again. Seriously. My beloved sugarmaple, putting the passive in our passion and the aggressive in our aggregate since 1996. I find him adorable and he - no doubt - loves the fact that I eat croutons in bed. 

So I'm a slattern and he's a tyrant. Peeves? You? Yours?

Edward has taken to wearing monklike hoods all. the. time.

Caroline was ready for the royal wedding

And although I would swear I have absolutely no gender agenda (agendera) and it really really is free to be you and me 365/7/24 around here -

I signed Edward up for midget basketball and Caroline is taking a tumbling dance class. Why not put them both in ballet? Why not a family basketball team? I... I don't know. It might be the tulle. Patrick selected her outfit including the wee pink slippers (not pictured. probably lost) and I was done for.

It is astounding to me that he only weighs five pounds more than she does. He sometimes seems like a whole child and a half compared to her little rose-leaf frame.

Comments

[Jen]

Hahahaha, I love the royal wedding hat picture.

You're very brave signing them up for classes. I avoided them like the plague when the kids were little. I still would now, but feel I must at least try to be a normal parent.

[Katherine]

My new favorite Julia quote: "putting the passive in our passion and the aggressive in our aggregate since 1996". Well done.

Oh to be as easy-breezy-cover girl about misplaced priorities and differing levels of tidiness in my marriage. In our house, the never-ending debate is whether clearing dishes from the table and bringing them to the kitchen and THEN placing them in the dishwasher is one chore or two. I have trained my children to believe it is one; I am unable to convince my 42-year-old dreamboat of same. He believes he has done the (literal) heavy lifting by just returning plates to general vicinity of dishwasher.

Possible grounds for me putting passive in our passion in my opinion.

[Mmm]

I don't let the kids eat in my car. The only thing i had in my car was an open bottle of aquafina. I absently picked it up and went to drink it...

And there was a dead mouse, drowned in the bottle. A mouse had gotten into my car - into my CAR! - and had the audacity to drown in my water bottle. While i'm pregnant. And away from home. And treated the grocery store parking lot to a hysterical fit that will no doubt be talked about for years while my toddlers laughed.

I can only imagine how much worse things might've been if we actually ate in the car. But then, having a foodless car (although i can't say crumbless, seeing how toddlers love to wear their food out with them) didn't stop me from the horror of almost drinking a mouse corpse. (The bottle had been in the car overnight, not for days. Why didn't i cap it? Or take it inside? WHY?)

Now i allow nothing in my car whatsoever. No keeping jackets in it, books, anything where i might encounter another rodent surprise. But i'm still prone to jumping at small noises, and have forbidden my kids to get ice cream with chocolate jimmies on it, since they bear an unfortunate resemblance to mouse evidence, which i am anxiously looking for every time i get in the damn car.

[Christine]

Not your fault, but now I'm all weepy, because my Julia had that leotard and she was wearing it when she broke her leg and they had to cut it off her in the ER.

She didn't break her leg in dance class, though. Dance class is totally toddler-leg safe.

[llcsis]

Christine ...please reassure the rest of us you meant "they had to cut the leotard off her in the ER"...

[Sheridan]

Oh yes, please reassure, they didn't cut her leg off??

[Jennifer]

I don't know how many years you and I have been in this non-relationship relationship (iParenting anyone?), but I just have to say, "I really do love you."

Also, I am glad to finally understand that it is Steve who is the neatnik in your house.

Also, of all the years of reading your words, the comment that returns most often to my memory (and most often makes me giggle) is the one regarding the window washer: "Oh, Steve! How very French of you..."

[Amy]

Yes, yes! That's my husband and me with the whole car/food thing. Why does it bother him so much? Who the hell cares??
Anyway. Yes. You are right, and he is wrong. Not, of course that being right is what matters. Except when it is.

[Betsy]

My DH also thinks that cars can stay pristine if only The One Who Drives Them Around had an ounce of discipline. As TOWDTA, I understand that sometimes feeding children en route is the only thing that keeps us all alive until we get there.

Just gotta say... if Edward went to dance class, he could totally wear black jazz pants or black bike shorts and a white t-shirt. Nothing girly goin' on there at all. :-)

Also? Your children are beautiful.

[kris (lower case)]

i'm just going to say this because it needs to be said... men just need to be bitch slapped occasionally. especially about cars and how clean and neat they are... my car (notice it is MY car) is a crummy mess. oh freaked well. my car transports an 11 yr old boy and 3 (or 4) dogs... it ain't gonna stay pristine.. yet somehow i survive.

[Christine]

The leotard! The leotard! The leg is...well, not fine. In a demon of a cast for five weeks and four days still.

I was having bad flashback memories of that night in the ER when I saw Caroline in the same leotard, but you guys made me laugh with the thought that they cut off my kid's leg, so, thanks for that.

[Beth]

I stuck my son in ballet class. Twice. He was awesome, although the second time he noticed there were people in the audience and his performance anxiety erupted in full flower.

My niece was in the second class (same age), and in fact had chosen it. We had read a book about choosing goals, and her goal was to have a princess dress, which her mom had to sew together before the concert. I had to buy black pants and a white t-shirt for my macho man. He was wicked handsome.

[bethany actually]

My husband is not quite as obsessive about keeping the car clean...he's more hopeful/exasperated about it, then accepting of the mess. I personally don't think it's any big deal for kids to eat in the car; it's why we got the leather seats, after all. It's life, it gets messy sometimes.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

I like the "circled each other, hissing" part . . . . Lotta that in my house, sometimes! My husband is only partially a neatnik but he does sometimes get misplaced in time and station and decide he is actually King of All He Surveys, at which times he is also prone to issue "There will no longer be yata yata yata!" edicts. Which I sometimes laugh at and sometimes curse under my breath, depending. (Or occasionally, out loud. If he really ticks me off.) But he still wants to give out with the edicts. And he can't discuss anything at all without getting mad in about two minutes. Ugh. Tonight I threatened to get a timer and see if he can last a whole . . . five . . . looooong . . . minutes without shouting, "Fine! We just won't do it at all!" I'm gonna do it, too. :)

[RocketGrl]

I'm rooting for Hetty!

No kids here but the husband somedays fits the bill. I am closer to being the neatnik than he is. However, he does have a relapsing remitting case of KoAHS (King of All He Surveys) accompanied by delusions of Knowing The Right Way to Do Things. It is kind of funny that he thinks I will follow said guidance.

So, Hubby piles food trash behind the seats.I do not get it, but whenever he borrows my car, or I use his, I need to rid the car of wrappers and empty drink containers before I go about my day. I'd just faint from horror if I found a rodent in the car - after I got done squealing my head off.

[Jennie]

Ha! Clean cars. Sigh. I horseback ride, and during the "shedding season", well, hubby spends a lot of time looking at me like a little hair will be the cause of the apocalypse.
That, and I NEVER get to eat in bed. Well, I did once, but I was bedridden with the flu from hell. That was how I knew the husband thought I was super sick, I got a quesadilla in bed (chosen, I am sure, because it was less likely to create crumbs).

[Veronica]

I tried to tell my OH that by forcing me to think about realities like cleaning crumbs up and preventing apple related throwing incidents, that he was taking my mind off my writing. He didn't buy it.

Your kids are adorable.

[Clarity]

My husband drives a brand new fancy schmancy 4 door pickup that's never ever allowed to be used for anything but looking pretty. I drive a 20 yo Geo that wasn't pretty to start with and is basically a rolling trashcan with wheels after a couple years of my TLC. He gets to be anal retentive and uppity about his precious truck, and I get to be a total slovenly slob who only cleans the car when the junk levels threaten to overwhelm the seats. It really is the best of both worlds, and when he offered to buy me a new car this year I refused on the grounds that it might lead to a divorce. Men are weird, that's all I have to say about that.

[Toni]

My pet peeve about my Steve is that he'll do the dishes (I know, I should be grateful) but leave one or two out for over a week. Random ones. I mean, if you're going to do the dishes, why not do ALL of them? Why leave a couple just sitting there? Drives me BANANAS. But again, grateful that I don't do them. Unless I can't stand it anymore :)

Question: Are you going to post more recipes? I still love your brined chicken!!!

[June]

My husband is both slovenly and anal; a charming combination. I tend more toward slovenly and lackadaisacal, but I'm the one who does all the cleaning. He was incredibly protective about the spotlessness of our car until it got its first dent; then he no longer cared because it wasn't Perfect. I doubt our toddler has done more damage with his snacks than I have by spilling coffee all over the upholstery.

[TeacherMommy]

MTL HATES the mess in my car (which is, of course, the family car and I'd love to say it's as awesome as a limousine, but it's not) and bitches about it frequently as he climbs into the passenger side. Oh yes, because I'm usually driving when we're all together. And then he bitches about my driving, going all dramaqueen with the gasps and grasping of door handles and muttering about near death. Of course, my suggestion (uttered in dulcet and loving tones, naturally) is that he take more turns being the chauffeur if he feels so threatened by my driving (in)ability, thankyouverymuch. His response? Apparently I need more practice.

We really do love each other, but the passions aroused in the car are of a different sort upon occasion.

Incidentally, it's been AGES since I was in a car accident.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Every time I clean the car out, I swear that my daughter will never be allowed to eat in the car again, ever. Because dried cranberries crushed under a car seat and mixed with crackers are gross and hard to scrap off a fabric seat. But my resolve only lasts until the next time we get in the car. Because then she's hungry and it is easier to drive when you aren't trying to focus over screaming. Oh well, my car is ten years old anyway.

[MomQueenBee]

What is it with men and the cleanliness of not-their-cars? The first thing Husband does when he gets in my car is to begin tidying it up, and in retaliation, I carefully place a gum wrapper on the floor. The passive in passion indeed. (Best. Description. Ever.)

[Shannon]

My husband is weird. He's got papers and napkins and other clutter galore in his car. (Empty cigar box - really? For five years?) Yet he freaks out when I suggest he take a few M&M's for Beth's car ride home from the hair salon last night!

My car is covered in crumbs and whatnot. One of these days I'll clean it out. In my "copious free time" as a mother! Haven't seen a mouse yet. :) I just can't get upset over crumbs when it's simply easier to feed them when I'm driving an hour to a friends house every other Thursday night. Once we get there, they see their friends and refuse to sit and eat - even when they themselves have to sit and eat. So either I feed them in the car, or they eat nothing all night.

[jen]

Perhaps it is a male thing. Mine goes berserk anytime any food hits the floor (car, dinner table, living room, etc). And I'm all WTH...he's 3 and he's going to spill. It's like he expected the child to go from baby to neat and tidy adult. Interestingly enough, my husband will leave gum wrappers and opened mail envelopes anywhere and THAT drives me berserk because hello, be an adult and put it in the garbage.

I think too it is a product of being the primary care taker. When you are the primary, you've had to deal with the sugar crashes just one to many times to care about the resultant mess.

[Jan]

Oh my lord, the eating-in-the-car debate. My husband truly believes that how one keeps ones car is a sign of whether or not one is a Good Person. He is in charge of hiring landscape laborers at his job and tells me he surreptitiously checks out potential employees' cars to see if they're messy. Insanity.

Yet, somehow, it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to walk the 12 feet from his side of the bed to the laundry basket to drop his clothes when he comes to bed at night.

And yes, Clarity, separate vehicles are the veritable savior of our marriage.

Why not sign both twinkles up for both activities? You're already going to be spending your afternoons waiting around for one -- why not enjoy a book during that time instead of having to entertain the other child? That way they can decide for themselves who is the ballet dancer and who is the basketballer?

[Pam L]

That's because Caroline is solid muscle, which we all know weighs more than fat, not that Edward is fat, I'm jsut sayinn', it takes a lot of muscle to be the high wire walker your daughter seems to be.

As far as the food in the car issue goes, that is why Moms and Dad's should have separate cars, and never the twain, nor drivers, should meet. When my kids were little i drove a big ole 9 seater station wagon with vinyl seats, the back one of which came out, quite easily, so I could suck up all the food bits, and occasional tiny toy when I got the urge to. Unless I let it pile up a while , it wasn't near as much fun to hear the very satisfying sound of everything rattling up the vacuum hose. Then I could take a wet rag and wipe up the stickier stuff. Yes, it was tricky if the car was parked in the sun if you didn't want to sear your skin. I had to cover the seats with something to avoid losing a layer, but it worked well for us. I don't know what people with cloth seats did. I now have leather but the Jeep is old enough for my son to find a long lost pertified gum drop and wonder when the heck we last had those in the car?

Pet peeves after 30+ years of wedded bliss? Too many to mention here, but my main one is piles. Mostly piles of clothing everywhere that a certain *someone* refuses to put elsewhere because he is going to wear them again...soon. Drives me crazy, that, and putting the dirty clothes on TOP of the hamper lid instead of inside...and, oh never mind, as I said, too many.

[Olivia]

My husband and I are both okay with food in the car, but the one thing we bump heads on is rinsing/washing animal food bowls in the kitchen sink. He finds it beyond disgusting to wash the pet dishes where the people dishes are also washed. It's the only thing he has come close to snapping at me about, and he wants me to go all the way to the bathroom and use the tub (not that fare really).

I say, soap and hot water wash dog cooties just as well as people cooties, and it's not like I use the same sponge. I tend to just do it when he's not around. :P

[lisa]

I have had that exact experience with my husband...him self-righteously coming inside with the dust buster, me looking at him like, you try dealing with these kids in the car all the time with no food! And I agree, your car, your right to decide when the mess bothers you.

[Pearl]

"...then we circled each other, hissing..."

That was beautiful.

Pearl

[Dara]

Edward and Caroline are adorable. I think he would love dance.gymnastics, BTW.

My husband never comments about the mess in the car. With four kids under 9, he feeds them whatever they want while they are in the car. He's been known to pitch a few bags of whatever over his shoulder to keep the angry maws quiet. And, he cleans our family van quite often, love him!

Now, if only I could get him to pick up after himself.....

[AnnaN]

Biggest pet peeves? My husband will not wring out the dish cloth after washing dishes.

We follow a simple rule - the one who doesn't cook is the one who cleans up after dinner. However, he ascribes to the following ratio; the size of the mess left over varies in direct proportion with the complication of the recipe being made. And he loves to experiment. He's a great cook, but GAHHHHHHHH!!!

Also, too: j'adore Caroline's fascinator.

[Shawna]

Hm... peeves...

This weekend I discovered a wet hockey towel in the laundry, left to soak into all surrounding clothes and mildew them all.

Also, I found the pretty cardboard storage boxes I'd paid for at IKEA, then filled and placed on a shiny storage rack, moved to the bottom of a pile of heavy brown boxes labelled things like "magazines and books". The pretty boxes were crushed, and the storage rack sparkled emptily beside the giant pile.

In general though, my husband is tidy but not anal about things and I'm pretty lucky to have him.

[Lisame]

They are so big. So pretty. Awwww, you let them grow up.

[Kymberli]

Long time lurker, but first (maybe second or third) time commenter.

My biggest peeve with my husband of almost-15-years is the fact that when he goes shopping, he leaves several items in the bags. Boxes of cereal in the pantry. Toilet paper in the bathroom. Ice cream in the freezer! Does he not know that I NEED that ice cream and that unnessecary extra step of taking it out of the blasted plastic bag lengthens the time between my idea to have ice cream and the time it actually ends up in my mouth where it belongs.

*breathe*

Now that THAT'S out of my system - my 9 year old daughter has decided to go to football camp and learn to sew this summer. Girl power. Like any good mother, I can help her with the football but I am utterly clueless about the sewing. I fished around in your posts about Patrick's budding obsession with sewing for some hints on where to start with my kid. Any advice? Suggestions for a good starter machine to get her and/or books of the "Idiot's Guide to Sewing" (for me, not her)?

Anyone?

Beuller?

[Erin]

My goodness, she really IS a little pixie! So darling.

[Jennifer]

Your art class drive and downtime is my hockey practice drive and downtown, the only difference being instead of sitting in a parking lot I get to sit in a cold stadium during practice. Good thing 4-7 year olds are MEGA CUTE in hockey equipment.

And food in the car. Yes. All the time. Especially after said hockey practice which ends at 7pm and then he has to shower and MY. GOD. do you have any idea how long a crowd of four to seven year olds can take in a communal shower situation?

Peeves: My husband has a super-power that renders items that are on the floor and which are clearly not where they belong (a squeegie on the stairs; a lego block in the bathroom; a monkey in the kitchen) invisible to him.

[SarahB]

I am the family neat-freak, but I am also the person who gets hangry most frequently and therefore have long-ago given up on a crumb-free car.

Also, I have psoriasis, and trying to keep the car flake-free is just...impossible. So, it's hard to care about crumbs.

That said, random papers and trash in a car drive me bonkers. I never leave food packaging behind.

Hissing fits occur about piles of stuff on the kitchen counter. That is a whole other beast.

[Tine]

I am not a neatnik. Really. I'm comfortable with a certain population of random dustbunnies/toys/whatever. I'm grateful that my hubs understands the hungry-kid thing and shares household tasks equally. But why -- WHY, I ASK YOU -- must he always go 99% of the way with a task but no further? Why would one fold the laundry and put it on top of the dresser instead of IN the dresser? Why would one walk to the laundry chute and drop one's clothing on the floor in front of the chute? Why empty the dishwasher and put all the clean dishes on the counter, instead of the cupboard? WHY toss wrappers on the car floor instead of the trash receptacle sitting on the car floor?

Drives. me. nuts.

[Threekidchaos.wordpress.com]

We have the same car/food battle & The Hubs did the exact thing to me not long ago. We're hosting a neighborhood soiree & while I'm elbow deep in food prep, he decides to clean out my van. Not take out the trash or sweep a floor or clean a bathroom (all things that needed to be done) but vacuum my van. I think the throbbing vein in my head or the death stare caused him to rethink that. Or maybe it was the banshee yell of frustration that changed his mind...

[Angsty Jen]

My husband and I are of the same mind about food in the car - sometimes it's necessary. Bu like Jennifer's husband, mine also has some sort of selective blindness when it comes to things being out of place. I could leave a shoe on the kitchen counter and he would never say anything or move it. Weird!

[Deanna]

"Tumbling dance." That is a pretty accurate description of how I do it....

[Carla Hinkle]

We save our passive aggressive for the Battles of the Open Windows. Me, being raised with the firm, anglo-saxon belief that fresh air is good for one and also the one who gets hot Hot HOT, he being raised with the (more Mediterranean?) fear of DRAFTS and how cold air gives one colds and other nasty things. It is probably good for our marriage that we live near the beach and don't have AC because I'm not sure our marriage could stand the battles over it.

[Maria]

Carla--being afraid of drafts is a total Mediterranean thing. I was berated heavily as an 8 year-old who tried to open a window on a bus (in late summer. in Greece). Everyone thought they'd get the plague. It wasn't the sole incident of it happening, but being yelled at by lots of people at the same time for trying to get a breeze stuck with me. Kind of like their clothes were sticking to them.

I don't have a lot of peeves that I can think of (you caught me on a good day) except this one: since we've been married, my husbad will buy himself no clothes. None. About a year ago, he said, "I probably need a new jock strap." I drew the line and told him that I knew nothing about them, refused to learn anything about them, and that he'd have to do that one on his own. Does he have a new one? No. Will I cave? No. But I have bought him new sandals for the summer, just like I did for my kids.

I guess that's better than being married to someone who's clothing obsessed?

[Kirsten]

Oh gods, I'm not the only one with a husband who will wash 95% of the dishes and leave 2 or 3 on the counter just for form's sake? When I ask him why, he just laughs and says it's a tradition now. WTF?

(I'm pretty sure this is his way of making sure I always take that job, because it frustrates me to no end to see it unfinished.)

[Bopper]

My dh has the no eating in HIS car rule...in my car when the kids were little I had a "beige food only" rule so that the crumbs would match the upholstery. So cheerios and the like are allowed...Cheetohs are a Noh Noh.

[Little Bird]

I watch the pet peeves from the outside looking in. My parents. When it comes to the house, Mom doesn't care really where it is, as long as it is sterile. My step-father, conversely doesn't care how clean it is, as long as it is in exactly the right place.
As to the car, for years no food or drink was allowed inside of it. Then there were road trips. Now it's just no McDonald's fries, due to the odor. But mom and I flout this rule EVERY time she and I take a road trip without him.
Also, while delivering a cake to a friend, we got some honey on the (leather) back seat (the cake... dripped a bit) and to my surprise, there were zero hysterics.

[Anne]

I think guys--in the house, anyway--suffer from clutter-blindness. My husband also suffers from this with his car, as well.

Our worst mutual peeve is this: he undresses, leaves his clothes lying on the bedroom floor. I pick them up as I go to do a load of laundry, assuming that, as they are on the floor in a crumpled heap, they are dirty. He gets mad because "those jeans were clean enough to wear again!" OK, honey, but once they've been lying on the dog-hair covered floor for two days, and stepped on repeatedly by toddlers wearing outdoor shoes, well, you know...

Also--he never (NEVER!) cleans any of the peanut butter off his knife before he puts in in the sink to be washed. SCRAPE THE DAMN THING ON THE TOP OF THE CONTAINER, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!

Counting to ten now.

(He really is a great guy).

:-)

[Allison]

FYI - "midget" is an offensive term! :x

[tree town gal]

so glad twinkle toes with the perfect feet will be putting them to good use.