Progress

Our first instinct was to deal with the unspeakable basement flooding ourselves but we quickly realized that this was impractical, inefficient and, you know, gross. So we called our insurance company and - after they checked to make sure that we were indeed covered for acts of ohmygod - we filed a claim. Having never filed a homeowners' claim before we were not sure what to expect and we were pleasantly surprised when they dispatched a clean-up team the same day we called them. We beamed as they ripped up half of our carpet, hauled away the nasty bits, and then scrubbed everything in sight. 

That was four weeks ago and nothing has happened since. We have half a carpet and the rest of the floor is concrete studded with carpet tacks. It is like the suburban version of a land mine field. Since I had just five minutes ago gotten to the point where I could let Caroline and Edward play unattended down there for short periods of time I am feeling cheated. Now they go down to play and I have to go too; a catcher in the rye who keeps snatching them away from the cliff edge of tiny nails. I would like my basement back and I would like to be able to abandon the kids down there without fear of perforation.

We did have a guy come out to measure things and I got all excited and I spent an entire preschool day hauling things into the storage room in anticipation of new carpet only to have the children spend fourteen seconds tossing it all back out again and still no new carpet.

I think the weak link here is Steve. Like most couples, Steve and I have our areas of domestic responsibility. I cook; he takes out the trash. I schedule dental appointments; he climbs on the icy roof and shoots scalding water at the snow covered satellite dish. I buy the kind of toothpaste Patrick likes and Steve handles all basement repair scheduling; unless he gets ridiculously busy with work in which case I still buy the toothpaste and no one schedules anything.

Not that I am complaining. I'm not. We had one unbelievably bad horrible scary year (Steve earned... nothing in 2009. at all. zero dollars. we lived on savings, credit, my HA HA HA blog earnings and gift cards that my mother sent

you know I have been thinking about the lucky/unlucky thing and there is something to be said for a positive perspective. Just the other day I was contemplating how much worse things could have been for us when everything went so abruptly wrong if it were not for my out of control anxiety. Like: oh how fortunate that I didn't do anything sooner about how crazy I was. I was wondering why I didn't see someone earlier because in retrospect I was a tightly wound recluse and then I saw the upside. Seriously, for years and years I have been so worried about financial ruin and living under a bridge that I insisted on what Steve considered to be stringent - whackaloon - economies. As a result of my previosuly unsubstantiated now justified belief that we were one failed potato crop away from starvation; when the Hindenburg of our monetary outlook blew up we were debt free (except the mortgage) with first (cash) second (investments) and third (retirement accounts) tier backup plans in place. 

So on the minus side I have a child who believes they are at risk for abduction if they are not in physical contact with me in public and on the plus side we were able to ride out a depr/rec/ession without losing our house.

That's positive thinking, right there. Little Mrs Sunnysides.

Although you know what? For the first time, um, ever I actually missed a monthly payment. I don't remember if it was the gas bill or the phone or what but we got a late payment notice in the mail and it was as if the Eiffel Tower had suddenly sprouted in our living room. The new, citalopramed, calmer me received a bill, looked at it, and said, "Oh I'll just pay this later" and then forgot about it. This has literally never happened before. Ever.

I confessed this dreadful side effect to my childhood best friend who burst out laughing and said that she was pretty sure there were ways to manage anxiety without damaging your credit score and had I considered automatic bill paying? I hadn't.

Good heavens. Where on earth was I? I just had to scroll up.

Right. Steve is busy working and that is a good thing but he is in Florida for meetings right now and the nails on the floor aren't going anywhere and I don't even know the name of the contractor so I can call and deal with it myself.

Meanwhile the friend of a friend accidentally backed into our car while leaving a birthday party that Patrick was attending so we are just starting our second insurance claim process and it seems to be going equally slowly. Two for two.

+

In a moment of misplaced frustration many years ago I wrote something I regretted more or less instantly. I had miscarried or was miscarrying or might have been about to miscarry and I snapped that I didn't find anything remotely comforting about blog comments that assured me that they, too, had worried or suffered or struggled and yet their baby was upstairs right that minute sleeping peacefully in a ladybug onesie.

Not only was this not true - I actually did take a great deal of comfort from these comments - it was so ungracious and petty that I was really ashamed of myself and ladybug onesie has stuck with me as a phrase that epitomizes the bitter and peevish parts of trying and failing to have children.

Don't get me wrong. If my hcg failed to double properly, I miscarried. If the embryo was a few days too small, I miscarried. If there was no heartbeat in the first ultrasound, I miscarried. None of the stories of hope and optimism that were offered ever applied to me. But hope itself and optimism in general? That did. 

Patrick picked out the dress. The ladybug motif was an accident. But I smiled as I went through the pictures I had taken and I realized, hey, I tried for nine years to have the family I wanted. I miscarried ten times and terminated once when the baby could not live. I did IVF three times, a FET, and had sex more or less every day for a decade. I spent thirteen weeks on the couch, many nights in the hospital, and I got so adept at giving myself shots that I have a preferred method depending upon whether I am injecting my ass or my stomach. It was hard. I cried, I got angry, I alienated people and I once bit my husband on the leg.

I realized a year ago that even if it had never worked, even if we had never had children at all it would have been fine. Really. We would have felt sad and we would have picked ourselves up and done something different. Sailed around the world. Gone to New Zealand. Written a sketch comedy. 

I think we have a happy ending but I acknowledge - now in a way that I just could not see before - that it was not the only happy ending available to us.

That said: we have three children and one of them wears ladybugs.

We are so very very lucky.

PS I completely distracted myself but I had a question for you and I am really interested in your thoughts.

Let's say you have a friend. A good friend who has always been there for you. Then say this friend does something pretty dreadful, but not to you. Let's say he cheats on his wife and abandons his three small children in order to follow his new girlfriend to her freshman year of college. Or he willfully defrauds an orphanage. He left a box full of puppies on the side of the road. Something that most people would agree was beyond the pale. Can you, should you, continue the friendship? 

Comments

[Rbelle]

I don't have an answer to your question from my own experience, but I do have this friend. He had a very good buddy, J, in our very tiny grade school who got mixed up in drugs (meth) and really screwed up his life by the time he was 17. J ended up serving out a sentence for his part in the pre-meditated murder of another young man - J didn't pull the trigger, but he was there, and he pled out to a lesser charge in exchange for giving evidence against the other killer. My friend wrote to J something like every month when he was incarcerated, and may still be friends with him to this day. It's something I find very humbling when I consider, say, giving up on a friend just because they haven't called since my daughter was born.

On another note, I often remind my husband when he tells me I worry too much that it was my worrying about how we were going to afford it that ultimately enabled us to buy a house. And it is my continued fretting that keeps us well-cushioned, if sans a luxury car. There are people who assume they'll get by whatever happens, and there are people who assume financial doom is just around the corner despite all evidence to the contrary, and I feel no shame in being the latter type. I have many irrational fears that I should probably work to resolve, but I don't consider the idea that we might someday need access to a large stockpile of cash to be one of them.

And that's an adorable dress - I commend Patrick on his taste! :)

[Jen]

I have no idea. I started reading comments with a forgive and you can't expect no screw-ups sort of idea, and a just let it go, don't seek them out, then realized, wait, it's me (I, if my grammar loving mother were reading this), the grudge-holding person too! And I'm all of those and more.

It truly depends on the person, the current situation, the past situation, why the person thinks they did it, why you think they did it, whether there was enough of a connection to even bothering worrying about it, etc.etc.etc.

Is it, though, that you and others (or just Steve) don't agree on how to react to this person, adding yet another layer of problems and issues?

[Erin]

I had a best friend. He stood up for me at my wedding and I stood up for him at his. He and I were inseperable at university - even lived together for three years. We were close for a long long time.

Then he got married and I still love his wife. She is perfect for him and I wish them the best.

In their first year of marriage she showed up on my doorstep sobbing. She had driven 6 hours to my house because he hit her and she didn't know what else to do. I told her to get out of the marriage because, to me, that is a deal breaker. She decided to go back to him and a month later she called and told me he had hit her again. Again, I offered my house as a safe place and she chose instead to stay with him.

In the end, I remain completely supportive of her. I thought I knew him but I didn't. Once the shock wore off, I just slowly extracted myself from the friendship - I didn't initiate contact but wasn't rude when he phoned. I just let things go slowly.

He still doesn't know why we aren't close anymore because I promised her I wouldn't ever tell him that I knew.

If you just let things go slowly, without making a declaration that the friendship is over, it is probably easiest on everyone.

[tgsdmom]

That was a very tangled long apology for a very cute picture of Caroline. :-)

Regarding your question, it really depends on:
1. How close is the friendship
2. What was the act
3. Is there sincere remorse
4. Who was hurt and how close are they to you.

Many times I will forgive and accept the person. Other times I would keep a "zombie-friendship" going on until feelings settle down or more informations becomes available. Then we can either revive the friendship or let it die. In rare cases I would not be able to forgive.

Hope this friend, if really a close friend of yours, will have an explanation and all will end well.

Here's to a quick resolution of the basement problem and car insurance claim.

[Heather g]

I love how New Zealand is your alternative life plan. On UK soaps they always send people to NZ to get rid of them. Come, even though you have your other happy ending.

I stayed friends with someone who had an affair on her husband. Everybody stuffs up and follows their heart rather than their head sometimes. No kids involved and they divorced and now she's happily married with 3 kids. Be kind to people's faults but hard to comment without know the whole situation.

[Alexis]

I'm not going to comment regarding the relationship, the leaving his family and leaving the puppies but I hope he got caught with the defrauding of the orphanage. If he didn't, then I think back to the sermon from (of all things) The Boondock Saints:
"And I am reminded, on this holy day, of the sad story of Kitty Genovese. As you all may remember, a long time ago, almost thirty years ago, this poor soul cried out for help time and time again, but no person answered her calls. Though many saw, no one so much as called the police. They all just watched as Kitty was being stabbed to death in broad daylight. They watched as her assailant walked away. Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men."

[Jb]

If it's a very, very very good friend, I would say have a cup of coffee and discuss the Thing that was done. Who knows what you may learn - I guess for an old friend I feel they would deserve my attention. I heard a thing on NPR recently - and it was something like when a person that does bad stuff generally does a really great thing, people think they have changed and give them all this credit. But when a typically 'good' person does one single Bad Thing, it's over - no credit given for how they have always been.....kind of interesting. It was an author interview of some sort...

Beautiful pictures of Caroline!

[Diane McNelly]

If you call your homeowner's insurance company, the adjuster can give you the name of the contractor. If you don't know whom the adjust is, someone should be able to tell you by looking up your policy number. Which you can find in all of your carefully filed bank statements. :D

My ex-husband cheated with one of my friends. The day after her divorce was final, he told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. They still won't admit that they were together before our divorce. He left me with his 18-year-old cat. At our son's wedding, I told them that I wasn't mad anymore and that I was sorry about everything that unfolded during the end of our marriage, and subsequent four year long divorce. We're not double dating, but Big Family Events are no longer excruciating. Forgiveness is one thing, but allowing oneself to become a doormat because of a relationship is entirely different.

Your children are so beautiful, smart, and funny. I'm happy to share a little in your happy life after your trials by fire.

[Melissa]

It would be very specific to the situation. I know the puppy box was just an example, but I recently had a conversation with a co-worker whose ex-husband got essential unfriended by their animal lover friends because he thinks dog and cock fights are okay. And I agreed. I think it depends on your dealbreakers.

If the situation is a dealbreaker scenario for me (like animal cruelty of any form), it doesn't necessarily matter if the injustice was leveled at me or someone else.

[anonymous]

Here is the thing about people who have severely hurt others (cheated on them, left a marriage, betrayed a friendship, etc.) You can't be friends with both parties. Casual acquaintances, sure, but not friends. A number of people tried to remain friends with both me and my ex-wife after she left me. If they chose her, fine--I wrote them off with no hard feelings. She needed friends to call her out and help her get better. If they chose me, great. But if they tried to be my friend and also hang out with her it led to resentment, feelings of betrayal, and ultimately ended friendships anyway.

So if this friend of yours has hurt someone else, consider whether you want to end your relationship with the wronged party or with him.

[Steve]

I can't stay friends with someone who behaves badly (like a cheater).

Sorry about 2009, but didn't you tell us Steve is rich? And, oh yeah, didn't you buy half interest in a huge farm, just for fun? So, I guess you never were really so poor, now, were you?

[Kathy]

I'm a grudge holder. If someone intentionally hurts someone I care about (and that would include puppies and orphans), I don't think I could stay friends. That is not necessarily the best or kindest thing, but it's me.

On the other hand, sex practically every day for 10 years? Wow. Just, wow.

[diana]

True thing No. 1: I remember reading that very post and thinking, "right on, sister." That "ladybug onesie" statement has stuck with me through a lot over the years.
True thing No. 2: When I finally had my daughter, she wore a ladybug dress home from the hospital.
True thing No. 3: Even when you're failing in the "gracious" department, you do some kick-ass writing that resonates.

[RocketGrl]

I love the parallel between the alternate Happy Endings and the Friend issue. For both, time is necessary to see what will happen. Neither Moving on nor Forgiveness can be decided in a moment. They each take time to come into their own.

I have finally realized that I have an alternate Happy Ending. Husband, furry children and travel. Plus, there are definite perks to being an auntie to OPK.

[SusanOR]

I think it might also depend on where the person who was mistreated is on things. My husband was appalled when his good friend had an affair. He wanted to ditch the guy completely. But -- here's the thing -- he and his wife reconciled and did the hard work of fixing the things that were already broken in their marriage that led up to the affair. And he has earned her trust back.
Would it be right for us to still be "angry" with him?
I also agree with the person who said that when we're doing bad things, we need our friends to tell us we're acting badly. Not just to listen to us tell the tales, but to point out that we've got our priorities screwed up.

[AnnaN]

What an interesting question about friendship. Sooooo many factors involved. Is this a friend of yours and Steve's or primarily your friend? I won't say that it depends on what they did, because all that matters is whether it was beyond the pale of your own personal ethical/morality.

My husband and I had a friend that my husband has known for decades. Years ago when we went through a rough patch involving a layoff and other financial hardships this friend loaned us thousands of dollars over a number of months to help us meet our financial obligations and never asked when we were going to pay him back (which we were able to do within 6 months of receiving the money). When this friend was laid off, we opened our home to him for a couple of months until he was able to get back on his feet. He is incredibly generous and yet...three times in the past few years, whenever he had anything to drink, the most racist and foul language started to pour out of his mouth. It was a complete shock to both of us, as he had never done this in front of us before, but we knew his father had been a terrible racist. This caused us no small amount of anguish. There is a caring history here and yet, we cannot abide that attitude in our house, in our friends. We addressed the comments when they were made, but I think it was easy for him to blow us off because of the alcohol component.

The situation was semi-resolved by his moving away and we took the opportunity to just let the friendship slowly tail off. However, had he remained nearby, in a position to frequently request going out or coming over, we would have had to tell him, while he was sober, that we simply could not abide his language, views, etc.

And I think that's what you will have to do if you cannot simply let your friendship slide and die a quiet death. You can say it without being accusatory: "I am not sure what prompted such-and-such, but I find myself being shocked and bothered by your actions so much so that I can't see past it. And sadly, I don't know that I can be friends with you from here on out."

But, that's obviously a very hard conversation to have or letter to write and I totally sympathize with you.

[Jan]

You told us about something you did that was beyond the pale. We are only friends in the computer, but would you want us to stay that way? (Obviously most of us have done so.)
Love the dress!

[Kathleen999]

I think it depends on whether the friend is generally a good person or is a person who is always doing bad things. Good people can make mistakes and learn from them. Bad people just wreck others' lives selfishly and keep doing it.

I used to love my brother-in-law. He had made a lot of mistakes, cheated on my sister, but they fought their way through it all to a good place. A few years later he left her for one of his students. Now he is cheating on the new wife. Some people are just too damaged to keep in your life.

Caroline is just too too. She is going to make your life very interesting.

[Denise]

I remember the ladybug onesie comment! I think what you actually said was something like "don't tell me your boy-and-girl twins are sleeping upstairs in their ladybug onesies"...but I could be wrong. It stuck with me because for some reason the ladybug is a symbol of adoption.

Re: the friend...was the person to whom he did something awful a friend of yours as well? That might influence whether I remained friends with him. Otherwise, I don't know. I mean, a heel who left his wife and three kids to be with his college freshman girlfriend is, presumably, going to pick up with the kids sooner or later.

[Smumzie]

If it were a man, I'd kick him out of my life. Who needs that kind of stress?

I was about to get all pious on you and say that you should have an honest conversation with the person and tell them how you feel. Then I realized that I cannot throw stones.

I have a female friend who continues to date married men. She's done it for nearly 15 years -not because she's not interested in permanence (she longs for it), but because she cannot get anyone else and she has needs (more to feel loved than the sex I think).

Many of her female friends have abandoned her - now - after years of knowing about her affairs and I'm pretty sure it's because every one of them is either divorce(ing) a cheating bastard or has chosen to remain with theirs.

I'm still her friend but it pisses me off that she does this to other women. I'm usually pretty honest and able to confront people with my feelings. I wish I could say to her, "My heart is in the right place - I want to still like you as a person - but this is unacceptable behavior." I don't know why I can't.

I'm disappointed in my own inability to find the right words to convey to her that I don't want to hear about her escapades with whatever scummy guy she's hooking up with these days.

[ProudMary]

It doesn't seem like a question of forgiveness to me, you weren't the one cheated on, after all, but I don't think I would end the friendship in a knee-jerk way. I would let the person know that what they did was really shitty and that I didn't support it, and then just wait and see. If this is a symptom of an entire shift in their personality, they'll make that clear soon enough. If, however, the whole business makes you burn with rage every time you speak to them, then I'd say your decision is made.

[Channa]

Shandra said basically what I wanted to say, so I'm just seconding her advice.
And I remember that ladybug onesie comment. At the time I thought it was pretty on the mark (and also thought how cute small children are in ladybugs, which your post today totally confirmed)

[Alexicographer]

I don't think I can add anything to the friend discussion that hasn't been said already, and to be honest, I don't know enough about the situation to say yea or nay. My dad's been pretty much a jerk in an assortment of ways to many people (including me, my mother, and my brother) over his life and in the end I decided to maintain a relationship with him rather than, you know, not, because I found it was harder for *ME* not to, than to. But I also set a lot of limits and I'm 95% certain that had he been someone other than an irreplaceable family member (i.e. you can gain or lose a cousin here or there and as a category, no one freaks -- it's not weird to have 5 versus 6 cousins, or whatever) I wouldn't have. But that probably doesn't help in your case.

But for the record I for one have always, always, always loved the ladybug onesie comment from the moment it was written and never thought it was ungracious or anything other than just a gentle, but valuable, commentary on reality. I do now from time to time wish others the "ladybug onesie," -- the astonishingly improbable and wonderful outcome -- and certainly, the picture of Caroline captures what it entails. What a charmer.

I'd love to read more about your whackaloon economies. I could use a few additional ones to add to my repertoire.

[brownie]

Are you for real???? Damn. Reading your blog is such a bore-fest. Can't stand it anymore. Goodbye, Julia!!!

[V]

My mother cheated on my father when I was a teenager, and it not only ended their marriage, it permanently damaged my relationship with her. So if I found out a friend of mine had cheated, that person would no longer be my friend. Ditto the box of puppies. I think the orphanage defrauding would actually be the least appalling transgression to me (though it would still likely be the end of the friendship) because it's against an institution and therefore feels like a more impersonal crime, sort of the way shoplifting doesn't seem as malicious as stealing something from an individual.

[Karen]

I agree with Crystal (above). Everybody, everybody makes mistakes. If this person acknowledged his or her mistakes, and is actually sorry - then you need to be their friend. If they're really not sorry, and acting selfish, then you need to keep some distance, and maybe be there for them if they need you later. If they're really doing something awful, then it's your duty as a friend to tell them so. You can't compromise your values - that's what made you friends in the first place.

On a lighter note, ( i watch the Today Show too much), Caroline looks adorable in that dress.
Finally, I too went through IVF several times, and I remember being so angry at the world. I refused to go to baby showers after a while, and I know people were annoyed with me. But after adopting two amazing kids, I have gained more compassion and understanding for anyone going through infertility, or anything else for that matter. And I realized that everything would be okay. Usually. :)

[Julie]

Regarding the friend situation, I would listen carefully to what they had to say and where they were coming from, and then react in a way that is genuine to yourself. The rest will follow.

For example, I had a friend who repeatedly cheated on her husband (which I didn't know about until several years into the marriage). That, in and of itself, wasn't what fazed me. I mean, believe me, I've been with my husband for 13 years and I understand it gets complicated. But what really bothered me was her justifications basically amounted to her blaming her husband for silly things and holding him to an unreasonable double standard. So, I didn't make any decisions about whether or not to stay friends, I just let her know what I was thinking. And she dumped me for being unsupportive.

So, just do what makes sense to you and feels true to you at the time, and your friendship will find its own new equilibrium.

[Kathryn T]

I have a friend who initiated sexual exploration with his 12-year-old niece. He is no longer my friend, full stop, despite the fact that he is quite remorseful. As for your situation? I can't say, I don't know what it is. But yes, sometimes I just pull contact.

[Sarah]

I had a childhood friend who moved away and moved back just as he got married to someone in my city. We became close when his new wife started cheating on him a year into the marriage and he filed for divorce. In his distress, my friend hit on me six months into my own marriage. I turned him down, but felt deeply betrayed. However, I forgave him as I loved him very much and had known him my whole life.

A year later, he was dating someone, but also started an affair with a woman who was living with someone else and the two cheaters got engaged to each other, while both still officially seeing these other people. That's when I told him that I couldn't support him if it blew up in his face. We no longer speak. I feel like I did the right thing, but I still miss him. Still feel betrayed.

And guess what? Much to my surprise, he's still married to this one after twelve years and several children.

The moral of my story is that 1. immoral people have a habit of not caring who they hurt so be prepared to be hurt and 2. if the NY Times printed that you were known as a dear friend of this person, how would you feel about it?

[Kim]

2009 sucked donkey balls, regardless of how things have worked out. You know, the same way that your admittedly lovely children don't change the fact that you struggled and suffered to have them.
The other thing, you're on your own, but I think the answer will present itself to you as you go along.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

Re the "beyond the pale" friend: I think it would depend on how said friend feels about the awful act. Are they now deeply repentant and seeking to make restitution? Or are they defiantly proud of said act, or -- even worse -- trying to act like it was "no big deal?"

I might be able to continue a friendship with someone who realized they had been a total asshole/evil person/perv and now were over it and very, very sorry. But I would not even want to be friends with someone who minimized it or was proud of it. A former friend of mine first divorced her husband because he bored her and was "controlling," even though they had two small children. I kept my mouth shut about that and continued the friendship. Then she abandoned her (sketchy) relationship with her small children and moved all the way across the country to hook up with some old boyfriend. Her big plan was to see the (very young, very sad) kids every summer. I don't think she ever did understand why I discontinued our friendship. I can't be friends with someone who abandons their kids. Just can't do it.

Cahoyine is adorable in ladybugs. Of course. :)

[Nina]

No. Having standards does not mean you are judgmental or mean. It simply means you make choices. All choices has consequences. He or she will miss you, but as you and Steve are not puppy kickers, I am sure you are not short on friends. The subject of this post will miss you, but that's a consequence of his or her choice.

[Elaine]

I've never ended a friendship, I've always had them ended upon me. Sometimes this has been mistaken loyalty, sometimes desperation, sometimes stupidity. I can overlook a lot.

But, that person who said an adult person will show you who they are? I've finally wised up and I'm ending a friendship, as in letting it drift away. It's lonely and it's very not me. But I think choosing to do this reflects a new security on my part. You don't need to stay with people unless you want to.

[Kathleen]

Stay friends, without all the judgmental conditions offered above. People sometimes turn their life upside down in ways that make no sense to anyone (including often themselves), and they need support during this time. There is no reason for you to dole out more punishment than he/she is already getting.

[Cheryl]

I think it depends on whether your continued friendship supports the inappropriate behavior or helps your fried work through a difficult time to become a better person. And also whether the behavior hurts someone else that you care about.

[Cheryl]

"friend" not fried

[deepish]

If it was what I considered beyond the pale, I'd have to cease the friendship - not in a drama filled "you horrible schmuck you!", but in a phase out not returning phone calls sort of way. I mean, if it was so awful and they did it, why wouldn't they do it again?

I feel like we are living parallel lives right now. Our first homeowner's claim ever occurred two weeks ago when the hotwater pipe in our slab leaked and sent so much water through the first floor that when you stepped of our stairs, water squished out between the wood planks. My beautiful, perfect 4 year old wood floors...gone in a heap of warped trash. And oh by the way, the water wicked up the drywall, so that is all cutaway too. And you know, it was in the slab, so um, they jackhammered my dining room floor and now we have raging sinus infections which I believe can be directly tied to the fine later of conrete that WAS. ON. EVERYTHING. (Coming soon to a surface near me: replacement drywall dust, followed by the pleasureable wood mist that comes from finishing floors).

And then a deer jumped across the road onto my husband's hood. Hello mr. adjustor - welcome back.

[Tine]

A quick skim of the comments suggests you're getting a lot of the same sort of advice. So I'll keep it short and just say that I agree with those who say "it depends." It really does depend. How important is this person to you? How much have you been through together? How much do you really know about the thing s/he did and why?

Carosgram nailed it: "I would stay and try being the friend I would want to have when I screw up." I think that's a good plan...and it includes knowing when to give up trying, too.

[Rose]

Julia-

I am the other happy ending. I'm living in a city I love, with a husband I love, with a job that is ok, with arts organizing and book writing and friends I adore. I never thought I would make it to the other side, but here I am.

When I look at my friends who have children now,I no longer feel jealous/angry/hurt. I see that everything gives, and takes away, about equally.

I never thought I'd get here.

Rose

[Elizabeth]

Good luck with the insurance & contractors.

Sometimes good people do bad things. I think the question is why did he do this horrible thing? Is he having a mid-life crisis? Is the wife he abandoned secretly a raving shrew that he has suffered in silence for years to the point where it drove him crazy? Did he just suffer a massive momentary loss of judgement? Does he have some previously unknown issues with depression/anxiety/substance abuse. If he's been a good friend I'd put some effort into figuring out why he did something terrible, and if successful I'd put some effort into prodding him towards a solution and/or damage control.

[Julie]

You have a beautiful family and you are very very lucky :)

RE: the friend. If they are close enough to be there for you in the past, then they are close enough for you to call them on their behavior and ask WTF are they thinking. Maybe there is an explanation, give them a fair chance to give it. And if the explanation isn't good enough, then cut them loose.

[wasabi]

While Steve put it harshly I have to say I agree a little bit. If you managed to survive without a dime of income for a year then you didn't do it just by crazy economies like buying generic and clipping coupons. You did it because at one time he had an income that allowed you to live very comfortably and yet still save enough money to live on savings for a year. That's great for you and that's awesome, but please also have a little awareness of how few people would be able to do that. I also live on "crazy" economies but I do it because my husband lost his job (he was our primary wage earner) and we have two kids to support. By some miracle we're living on just my salary despite a massive reduction in our income. But if I lost my job we'd be tapped out in roughly 2-3 months because I don't make enough for us to live on and save a massive amount of money every month. I've been reading you for years and I love you, but I do think you should have a bit more awareness that you survived a difficult financial year because of the incredible bounty you had had until that point.

On the friend issue I'm reminded once again how I am just not at heart a forgiver. LOL. Cheating I would forgive in a heartbeat. No one's perfect. No marriage is perfect and no one who isn't in it knows what it's like. Leaving a wife I wouldn't even question for the same reasons. Leaving the kids? Nope that's beyond the pale to me. Leaving puppies by the side of the road or defrauding an orphanage isn't even close to me. Obviously it's all relative and depends on your own experiences and perspectives but that's basically the unforgivable sin to me. If you abandon your kid to go chase a romantic partner you're just not someone I can be friends with. It's not even about not being able to forgive something that was after all not done to me. Just being a parent and doing it well is so important to me that someone who would leave their kids for an 18 year old is just not someone I would have anything in common with or even like as a person. Short of the discovery of a brain tumor in their frontal lobe, the friendship would be over. Now if you say left but just mean moved out of the house, well ok then we're back to just cheating and leaving the wife. Then it would just depend on how things are being handled. Is he at least being honorable in how he treats his soon to be ex-wife now? Is he supporting the kids etc? The puppies in a box thing I'd probably just ask what the heck they were thinking and decide from there if I could continue the friendship.

[Crystal]

Lee and I have been through that a few times as a couple. There was never a question of whether or not to continue the relationship because each time Lee and I both were quite vocal about our beliefs and challenging the self-rationalizations. In each case the party in question chose to discontinue the relationship, but the wronged party had the comfort of having someone in their corner willing to stand up and say "hey, what you did was wrong, and no we will not sweep it under the rug or play pretend or any other nonsense". To the wronged party, that was a huge deal, and kept them going.

The party who committed the act in a couple of instances came back much later and said "hey, I wish I had listened....". So for us, it seems to make sense and fall in line with our ethics. YMMV.

Florida... Yeesh.... Lee just took a road warrior position which has the best benefits package and prospects we've seen in the IT industry in 15 years but entails a small pay cut and end to the giant overtime checks. Upside is the benefits and chance to code again and learn new skills. But he'll be home on weekends, which means one day in transit each way and one day home. But ample PTO, and possible bench time (ha!).

Meanwhile I'll be on my (mostly undeveloped) 35 acres with an iffy house, 3 equines, a dog, 3 homeschooled boys, a long list of projects and a new badge that lists my title as Chief Honey-doer....

Life is odd, isn't it? What you got from antidepressants I got from brain damage. I'm a little worried, but not enough to work myself into a lather about it. We'll adapt.

Glad things are looking up. Be gladder still when you're basement is fixed. :)

[Molly]

"I love you and I value your friendship but I cannot condone and I want you to know how I feel."

[caroline]

It is so hard to watch the people we love make bad decisions. It's even harder when those bad decisions have a negative impact on OTHER people that we ALSO love. I think the best thing to do is to love people through their struggles - especially if the behavior is way out of character. You don't have to pick sides and you don't have to get overly involved, but you can still stand beside someone who has made a mess of things. I think that's the great thing about grace - we're not only blessed by it, but we can bless others with it.

[Chris]

Worked for THE insurance company for 10 years....if they contracted the work, contact them and they should light a fire....if you contracted the work...good luck :) Contractors....sigh....

Adios old friend.

There are my 2 cents.

[Pearl]

I'd have to talk to this friend first. What's going on in their lives? Are they aware of how reprehensible they are acting? Is there some sort of reason that can somehow make sense?

I'm kind of the type that needs to understand that first. It may very well be that your friendship with this person will end.

It's a weird life.

Pearl

[MichelleL11]

I had a good friend who had an affair with a married man --- all while she was supposedly was supporting me through me getting cheated upon by my husband and his mistress. So that was the end of our friendship. Maybe it was just too close to home but I didn't dither.

[Alchemilla]

The ladybug onesie comment (once I - in the UK - had worked out what a ladybug onesie was) has helped me to be a far better friend. I am far less likely to say ostensibly supportive things that actually only serve to make me feel better - or oil the wheels of social convention. I am really glad that I am now able just to express my sympathy for what my friends are going through, and my sorrow for the suckiness of it, without needing to 'make it all better'. So don't you dare regret that comment.

Re the friend - I'm guessing he clubbed some seals along with defrauding the orphanage and abandoning the puppies?

As a former screw-up of collosal proportions, I hesitate to cast a stone, but I do recognise when tough love is required. If - in 30 years from now - Patrick did the same thing, how would you hope his friends respond?

[Dawn]

This friend... has he completely abandoned his family, or is he doing the best he can to still be a good parent, albeit not living in the same house? Marriages break down and that sucks loudly, but decent people do not abandon their kids for ANYTHING OR ANYONE. (but how do I really feel?) Putting aside my belief that you have to be quite the asshat to walk away from your family, especially for a freshman (to her friends? you are a DINOSAUR, dude, and the rest of us are laughing at you behind your back. You do not look younger with a younger woman, you look older and very pathetic.) but if you still take care of your children, I guess we can let you live. Having seen firsthand what it does to children when a father stops acting like one, that would be my point of no return for a friendship.

I'd be more supportive of the wife and kids, though.