The Thirteens

I told my mother this morning that I am beginning to believe that everyone should be lucky enough to have a twin. She paused and then said, "Do you think you would have liked having a twin?"

I said, "Oh god no, not ME. How awful. Another person around all the time wanting stuff from me and just... being there? No way."

I shuddered.

Mom said, "And Patrick? Two Patricks?"

I said, "Unfathomable."

"Sooooooo?"

"Well, ok, but I still think other people should be twins, I mean. People like... like Caroline. And Edward. I think Caroline and Edward are great as twins."

HOW CUTE ARE THEY?

Look at them here on the first day of preschool. Edward all smiling and confident because he knows his superbestfriend will be with him and Caroline not trying to start the car without me. They... complete them.

The first day was Monday and drop-off went better than I had expected. Caroline flew around the room and started embracing children she remembered from last year (who instinctively flung their arms up in defense)

[Caroline is a bit of an air-kisser, if you know what I mean. A little showy in her meetings and greetings. I just watched her offer her hand to her tumbling teacher at the beginning of her second class as she gushed, "It's so nice to see you again." Her teacher had that, oh, one of these kids look on her face.

Something that still makes me laugh months later was the time when Caroline's beloved friend Lucy came to visit. As Lucy walked through the front door Caroline enveloped her in a strangulating hug, saying, "Oh LUCY! I love you! I missed you so MUCH!"

Lucy tactfully tried to extricate herself from Caroline's tentacles, while her mother prompted, "Lucy? What do you say?"

"Um, hello?" said Lucy]

So Caroline Paris Hilton'd her way around the classroom and Edward beelined to the cars and they both seemed ok with the fact that they were there and I was leaving. So I left.

Done and done.

Caroline has officially moved into Edward's room by the way. I gave it three solid weeks of sleepover status and then we set up the air mattress in her room (just in case we have to do a last minute switch) and moved her bed frame into his. They tend to stay up a little later and last night they woke up and had a wild rumpus at four am but - and this is the key part - the late nights and the middle of the nights no longer require my personal attendance. Where they used to bellow for me or show up on my pillow they seem content to keep me out of it. What happens in Edward's room stays in Edward's room.

I was sort of hoping that Edward's steady common sense and well developed self-preservation instinct might prevent her from engaging in some of her more untoward bedtime excesses but this has been met with only marginal success. Granted it is impossible to say what he has prevented her from doing but three days ago she came down to breakfast with burned lips.

At first I couldn't figure out what had happened. She was fine when I tucked her in but by morning she looked like she had contracted leprosy.

"What happened to your lips, Caroline?"

"Oh," she said, "I burned them on a lightbulb."

"You WHAT?"

"Burned them. On a lightbulb."

"What? Really? WHAT? Why? WHY?"

"Uh-huh. In Edward's room."

I turned to Edward and he said yes, she had, she had burned her yips and he added that he had told her it was hot.

"And it was!" she cheerfully confirmed.

Someday, somewhere, somehow I am absolutely convinced that she will get a tattoo. And it is possible it will say

EDWARD

PS I am now obsessed with car spotting in parking lots. It seemed incredible to me that basically, like, all of you own a Mazda 5 and yet I was unsure if I had ever actually seen one. Today when I took Caroline and Edward to a swimming lesson* I got all excited because I realized I was parked next to one. I have to tell you, people, that is one clever looking little car. It's a minivan, right, but it's all compact. Like short and... short but sort of ninja. I've added it to our list. I have also considered your views on hybrids and crossed them off, alas. Minnesota just doesn't seem like quite the right latitude but should circumstances change and I find myself living alone in Buenos Aires I am totally buying a Smartcar.

Ha! That reminds me of two things. The first is that (I believe) Consumer Reports said that the Smartcar was the worst car they had ever driven, ever. The second is that a dear friend of mine works for a Mercedes dealership and Mercedes has the honor of selling Smartcars. A year or two ago they were selling so poorly in his area that he joked they were thinking about offering a Buy One Mercedes Get One Smartcar FREE promotion. He suggested that people could use the Smartcars like dinghys, parking their E-Class in the road and then shuttling to the curb in their Smartcars.

Whatever. I think they're cute as hell.

Where was I?

Oh right. Coveting cars and eyeing the ones you suggested. Right now my heart is with the diesel Volkswagens. I saw a Passat wagon tonight as I was driving home from tumbling and I admired its clean lines as I tried to remember what you had said about fuel efficiency. Then I laughed aloud because I noticed her Wisconsin vanity plate said EZONGAS. Thank you, license plate!

* Swimming lessons. Oh god. You might recall that I signed Caroline and Edward up for swimming lessons last Spring and they were awful. So awful that the teacher recommended that for the following session they sign up for the one below that which they had just finished. Basically they flunked Pike. Flunkies. Two of 'em. Patrick - as we know - took five years a while to set the aquanautical world afire but even he was never demoted.

Rather than try to put them in a Mommy and Me class (Mommy and Me and Me?) I opted to drop the lesson thing for the summer. They swam with floaties and enjoyed the water and now that they are a mature three and three-quarters I thought we were ready to try lessons again.  

Today I sat poolside and watched their first class. For the first thirty seconds everything was fine. Then Caroline decided to hell with all the waiting and listening and dove into the pool. She was hauled out and tried, really tried, for at least three minutes to be still. But then a ball fell into the water and it started to float away and the teacher was busy with another kid so... what could she do? She jumped in again and thrashed after the ball. The two other little boys in the class looked at her in polite incredulity and Edward stared into space and the mom sitting next to me said, "She's not afraid of the water, is she?"

The class dragged on. The teacher tried to get Caroline to practice little kicks so Caroline attempted the breaststroke. She urged Caroline to dip her face and blow some bubbles so Caroline dove to the bottom. When it was her turn with the ball she was supposed to toss it gently into the zero depth area, instead she turned 90 degrees and threw it as hard as she could into the deeper end. Then she shouted, "Let's go!" jumped in after it and started paddling away as fast as her yellow chest floaties would allow. The lifeguard had to go get her again.

It's embarrassing to be the parent of the class looney. I went out to talk to her a couple of times and she had to sit with me once but I felt like this could be just the tip of the iceberg and for all the onlookers knew she regularly eats brown sugar out of the box for breakfast. Then I consoled myself with the fact that I have twins. See, I said to myself, look at Edward. Sure Caroline is a merdevil but look at Edward just sitting there. Obviously it is not my fault. Two kids, identical upbringings. One sits and listens, one thinks she should be teaching the water aerobics class.

Then I noticed that Edward was no longer on the edge. He had slipped into the pool, crawled into the shallowest water, flipped himself on his back and was lying there doing dreamy snow angels. The lifeguard went to get him.

I slunk lower on my bench.

Comments

[Meegan]

You are hilarious in such a low-key way, I can't help but laugh out loud. This post was no exception. Caroline! She kills me!

[Margot]

Do you know what is awkward, Julia? Trying to explain why you are laughing out loud while reading a story about the swimming lessons of some kid you've never even met who lives thousands of miles away from you. For some reason, the explanation for the random laughing only seems to make them think you are even crazier.

[Connie]

Swimming-- private lessons. Caroline is too much of a charming little diva! God you crack me up.

[Barb]

WHAT MARGOT SAID! That is exactly how I feel.

[Amy]

The lightbulb lips kill me. What was she doing, kissing it? Love it.

[Laura GF]

Margot, yes! I was just asked why I was laughing so heartily and trying to explain how it's -Julia- and you know how I love her and you won't believe what Caroline... well, then it gets awkward because it sounds like I know you off the pixelated page. You are fantastic.

[Mara]

You made me snort in a very gross and undignified fashion. Thank you!

[Heather]

oh my god, I was laughing too hard to even explain to my husband sitting next to me why I was crying too...thank you for making my evening. P.S. to Margot, once I got my breath I told him "remember that girl who climbed out on the roof? She's taking swimming lessons now."

[Julie]

Yay Diesel vw (jetta Sportwagen for this ma of 2). It's the best! And services are built into the price of the car which makes all that jazz so much easier. I Adore with a capital A mine. Excellent fuel efficiency and a track record of lasting forever, which is how I like my cars.

Though I have to say that I almost got into a fist fight with three beefy truckers over a diesel pump off I-90 in NY once. They apparently never imagined that a woman in a little station wagon just might actually be in line waiting for the diesel pump to open up.

[Melissa]

I love your kids because I always think of them as a glimpse of what my two recently turned three twins may be like. She is wild and he is so calm unless he feels she has wronged him. Then the world ends. We also recently started swim class and this is the first time I have had to sit on the outside looking in. She was all over the place talking non-stop. He told the instructor he was done and got out. We go again in two days......we'll see.

[AnnaN]

So so funny - I can just picture it: "Let's go!" At 16 Caroline would be the awesomest camp counselor ever.

Re: diesel.
Really? I know that climate change has made MN winters less cold than in my childhood, but isn't there a running issue in the frigid temps with diesels? Diesel fuel combusts at a lower temp than regular gasoline and therefore the engine doesn't stay as warm and will stall out when the 0 degree mark is hit? Or am I just repeating an urban legend?

[Laura]

We started out looking at Jetta TDI's for their fabulous mileage, but alas, my husband fell in love with the CC (I made the mistake of sending him with my dad to test drive the Jetta). He is a firefighter and is home with our kids while I work full time. He now drives the Odyssey and I have the sporty car to take to the office. Score!

Sadly, the CC only seats 4 -- there is a console in the middle of the rear seat -- so it probably won't work for you.

[Marsha]

I don't want to be the crazy lady on the internet who never lets things go so I swear, I'll just say it this one last time: Passat = CAUGHT ON FIRE while I was driving it during rush hour in the rain with kids in the backseat. My brother-in-law the fireman came and disconnected a whatsit before it became a "total burn" and told me how he'd seen a total loss just the week before.

To be fair VW took care of the issue (and noted that, yeah, this happens sometimes), made us whole (plus some) and offered a deal on our as-yet hypothetical next one. Right.

[Nicky at Not My Mother]

Oh! I didn't join in the car suggestions because I didn't think we'd have the same cars, but we own a diesel Volkswagon Passat and it is AWESOME. We get at least 1000-km per tank (even in city driving), the boot's plenty big enough, and it's zippy even though it's diesel AND automatic (a death combo in other cars we drove). Plus the options you can get, like the one where it parks itself are fabulous. Please get one, then we can be car twins!

[Sara]

Oh dear. You have just described exactly what I am imagining for my own dear child's (oh who am I kidding, my own dear hellion's)first swim class next week. Our mommy and me class last year was such a disaster that we had to take 9 months off to give me time to recover from the shame, but she really does need to learn to swim, so I signed her up again this year. I live in fear.

Funny, though, when it's someone else's kids, it sounds cute. When it's your own, it's mortifying. Weird, that.

[Minneapolismama]

Yeah, I had to read it all out loud my husband, who wanted to know what I was laughing at. And I said, "remember the girl who climbed out on the roof..." I'm sorry, Julia. We shouldn't laugh at your expense, but the swimming lessons are pretty funny.

[Amanda]

I also laughed out loud. Between the Smartcar dinghys and the merdevil, and I was gone.

[Abby]

This is a definite contender for best. post. ever.

I love your children, in a non-threatening, I-have-my-own-and-they're-enough kind of way.

[Cheryl]

Thank you. That was delightful. I wish you could see my smiling, laughing face, but you will have to make do with visual-aid-free adulation.

[Shawna]

My kids are total water chickens, so we have the opposite problem in swim class. They sob loudly and refuse to let go of my husband while he gamely tries to get them to blow bubbles. Then they shriek for towels to get the water out of their eyes.

It must be admitted that they come by it honestly as I'm almost exactly the same way, minus the loud public display part of course.

[Zach S]

Oh, what fun (to read).
Please publish these as a book so I can buy it for everyone I know, rather than just reading every single entry aloud to my wife?

[Elizabeth]

Wait.... I'm not supposed to give my kid straight brown sugar for breakfast? Crap.

[Ruth]

I am remembering an infant Caroline at her (was it six month?) well visit. If I recall correctly (and I googled it, so I know I did), you described her as a "rabid suicidal Chihauhau".

She made me laugh then, and she makes me laugh now. LOVE her.

[kelly]

I don't have kids yet, but your blog is the only one of its kind that makes me think it might actually be really fun. I heart Patrick, Caroline and Edward stories so very much.

[lizneust]

Once again, I started to snicker, then giggle and then laugh so hard the tears were rolling down my cheeks. My husband looked over and said - I kid you not - "Julia's got a new post up, huh?" Yeah, you and your family are kind of an institution around here.

It really is amazing the differnt personalities and interests you get with siblings.

[Christa]

I LOVE my jetta tdi wagon.

[Betsy]

I have absolutely nothing constructive to contribute here; but oh my goodness you make me laugh so much.

"And it was!" will make me laugh for a week, I am certain!

Also, I think private swim lessons for Caroline would be a great idea. She seems destined to be a mermaid. The one in charge, that is.

[Sheridan]

LOL! Cracker of a post!!

Your children are so very awesome that I am so glad you that a) met Steve (and then got out of the other entanglement), and b) persevered so long to have your babies.

The world would be poorer without all of you, that's for sure.

[Solitary Diner]

Thanks for yet another laugh. I adore your children and the stories you tell about them even though we've never met in person.

[Kit]

Can I presume to offer advice? You are describing my daughter in swimming. Until the instructor suggested that I not watch and certainly not, you know, get poolside and talk to her. Crazy but that 16 year old kid was right. She's been awesome ever since, and I get to sit in the snack bar, have a diet Coke and read my Kindle.

[Melissa H]

Is it just me or is that photo of the two of them actually a photo of you and Steve as kids except with reversed sexes? He looks JUST like you and she looks JUST like him (from the photos we've seen). So cute!

And the lightbulb? Crazypants! Glad it wasn't serious and just a reminder that, yes, it's hot.

[lynn]

another shout-out here for the diesel Jetta wagon. We LOVE everything about ours.

[Lori Malvey]

Sounds like you're doing swimming lessons at the Y? We took that route first with our two kids, then sucked it up and went to Foss. (Seemed SO expensive!) Well--there's a reason it's expensive. SO much better overall than the Y. I checked--there's a school in Woodbury. Good luck! (fossswimschool.com)

[NellaBean]

They are So Cute!

I have to admit a stupid moment of parenting pride when I noticed my 4 year old doing the perfect imitation of Spiderman's web-shooting hand gestures in the back of his first gymnastics class. Meanwhile, the one other boy in his class was also doing superhero gestures and his parents were shouting across the floor for him to SIT. DOWN. AND. PAY. ATTENTION. Heh. The teachers seemed to have great tactics to use on the kids, not so much with us wild-eyed parents. :)

[Sarah]

I think it's awesome Caroline has so much spirit--it will be a great asset dealing with boys.

Also, it's so nice to read about your family. It sounds like you are kind to each other, and there is precious little of that in the world.

Patrick is going to light the world on fire.

[wombat]

I live in Alaska. VWs suck in very cold places. Their heating system is abysmal and everyone here who owns them tries to tolerate the terrible heating and the other multitude of cold-induced problems and then sadly ends up trading them in for Subarus or Ford trucks. This is even with the full monty winterization of the VWs. Then they revel in their heated Subaru seats and wonder why the hell they put off getting rid of the VW.

People in not as cold places love their VWs, of course, though!

[purplefroglet]

I really need to stop reading this at work, I've just had to fake a coughing fit trying to disguise the fact that I was laughing so much. I wish that I had Caroline's confidence! I'd not be surprised to find her being crowned empress of the planet in twenty years time, with Edward as her top advisor and Patrick as chief scientist and cultural director...

[Cris]

Thank you for the post - perfect for when you are up at 4:00am wondering how you will pay the bills when the suspense finally ends and your husband gets fired from a job he's worked so hard at but who's boss has decided he just doesn't like him any more.

Now to go see if the Neti pot (another think to thank you and your readers for) will clear me out enough so that I can breath. And maybe sleep?

[Cris]

"thing" not "think" to thank you for. Most blogs I wouldn't post the correction, but the editing is so good here one doesn't want to embarrass one's self!

[tree town gal]

lord, i love how you write and share you life, julia. truly - as others said - i laugh as if i can picture our friends... our caroline... and edward... and yet never met you...

same with swim lessons. our just turned 3 yr old dives down, hangs out (no floaties), swims back to the top after shoving some toy into the water vents or whatever... and then resurfaces. every time, the YMCA guard watches adn looks at me and i shrug - he's fine. does this twice a week... my husband said "swim classes!" this term. i told him he's lost his mind. the 3 yr old is NOT going to sit a minute when there is water for diving and bopping and floating things. private lessons... it's gotta be...

and the lightbulb story... oh that about killed me, too.

[Lesli]

OMG, I've never posted before, but had to come out with this one. Your posts have made me laugh before, but THIS ONE...Had me snorting, laughing out loud..you get the picture. Private lessons on the swimming front and RUN, don't walk to acting lesssons...

Leslie B.

[Tine]

Acting lessons, yes! Or better yet: circus school. Drama with a side of danger...what could be better (for Caroline)? http://www.circusjuventas.org/

[plantingoaks]

hehe. We actually drove a smart car while on vacation in Germany (the only other option at the rental place was, coincidentally, a C-class, which seemed...impractical on the itty-bitty european roads. Park in the middle of the street indeed)

Anyway, it was surprisingly better than we expected. My 6'2" husband fit comfortably, the interior wasn't too cheapy, and it did, despite our doubts, get up to autobahn speeds. The only problem was the semi-automatic transmission which sounded terribly insulted every time you wanted to change gears, and whined about it for about three seconds before it let you go to the next one (all the while some crazy german in a c-class is about to run you down from behind). It would be hilarious trying to fit five people in one though.

[Shannon]

When you said that Edward had gone in on his own after saying he was sitting there nicely, I just could not hold the laughter in anymore! And I didn't know they would demote children!

I don't blame you for skipping the Mommy & Me (& Me?) class. I'm currently stuck in swim class with my 2 3/4 year old daughter and can't wait to get her into a no-parent class! If they won't let me sign her up 2 weeks before her 3rd birthday, then we're skipping the January session because I've had enough of that!

[LMM]

I too am with Margot and just had to explain to the nice new person who works in the cube outside my office why, exactly, I'm sitting in here laughing to myself. I think she thinks I'm a little crazy. She has that look of, "Oh, great, I get the cube next to the office nutcase. Lucky me."

[SarahB]

Your car discussions sound much like ours. I am curious to see what you get.

And, no matter how crazy the story (well...maybe leaving out the roof escapade), you always make parenting sound like a fun adventure. Do you feel that way yourself, or do you just do such a good job of seeing these situations in a funny light after?

[Callie]

I'm just glad someone else's kids fail at organized sports lessons too. We had our first football practice last night and ended up carrying our wailing 3-year-old off the field about 15 minutes in. Ugh.

[alison]

While on vacation, we visited the Mercedes headquarters in Stuttgart, Germany, where they make Smart cars. It was kind of comical to see all these wee vehicles on the roads over there. It reminded me of the little town in Horton Hears a Who. They are cute for sure, but not very midwest winter friendly.

p.s. thanks for making me shoot diet pepsi into my nose from trying to stife my laughter in my cubicle this morning. ;o)

[Mitzi]

It's embarrassing to be the parent of the class looney. - my favorite line from your post!

[Six Impossible Things]

I love this blog so. much.

My wife and I still quote Patrick regularly. Remember when he went to preschool and said, "Good morning, letter A. How did you sleep?" We say that to one another many mornings.