The Thirteens

I told my mother this morning that I am beginning to believe that everyone should be lucky enough to have a twin. She paused and then said, "Do you think you would have liked having a twin?"

I said, "Oh god no, not ME. How awful. Another person around all the time wanting stuff from me and just... being there? No way."

I shuddered.

Mom said, "And Patrick? Two Patricks?"

I said, "Unfathomable."

"Sooooooo?"

"Well, ok, but I still think other people should be twins, I mean. People like... like Caroline. And Edward. I think Caroline and Edward are great as twins."

HOW CUTE ARE THEY?

Look at them here on the first day of preschool. Edward all smiling and confident because he knows his superbestfriend will be with him and Caroline not trying to start the car without me. They... complete them.

The first day was Monday and drop-off went better than I had expected. Caroline flew around the room and started embracing children she remembered from last year (who instinctively flung their arms up in defense)

[Caroline is a bit of an air-kisser, if you know what I mean. A little showy in her meetings and greetings. I just watched her offer her hand to her tumbling teacher at the beginning of her second class as she gushed, "It's so nice to see you again." Her teacher had that, oh, one of these kids look on her face.

Something that still makes me laugh months later was the time when Caroline's beloved friend Lucy came to visit. As Lucy walked through the front door Caroline enveloped her in a strangulating hug, saying, "Oh LUCY! I love you! I missed you so MUCH!"

Lucy tactfully tried to extricate herself from Caroline's tentacles, while her mother prompted, "Lucy? What do you say?"

"Um, hello?" said Lucy]

So Caroline Paris Hilton'd her way around the classroom and Edward beelined to the cars and they both seemed ok with the fact that they were there and I was leaving. So I left.

Done and done.

Caroline has officially moved into Edward's room by the way. I gave it three solid weeks of sleepover status and then we set up the air mattress in her room (just in case we have to do a last minute switch) and moved her bed frame into his. They tend to stay up a little later and last night they woke up and had a wild rumpus at four am but - and this is the key part - the late nights and the middle of the nights no longer require my personal attendance. Where they used to bellow for me or show up on my pillow they seem content to keep me out of it. What happens in Edward's room stays in Edward's room.

I was sort of hoping that Edward's steady common sense and well developed self-preservation instinct might prevent her from engaging in some of her more untoward bedtime excesses but this has been met with only marginal success. Granted it is impossible to say what he has prevented her from doing but three days ago she came down to breakfast with burned lips.

At first I couldn't figure out what had happened. She was fine when I tucked her in but by morning she looked like she had contracted leprosy.

"What happened to your lips, Caroline?"

"Oh," she said, "I burned them on a lightbulb."

"You WHAT?"

"Burned them. On a lightbulb."

"What? Really? WHAT? Why? WHY?"

"Uh-huh. In Edward's room."

I turned to Edward and he said yes, she had, she had burned her yips and he added that he had told her it was hot.

"And it was!" she cheerfully confirmed.

Someday, somewhere, somehow I am absolutely convinced that she will get a tattoo. And it is possible it will say

EDWARD

PS I am now obsessed with car spotting in parking lots. It seemed incredible to me that basically, like, all of you own a Mazda 5 and yet I was unsure if I had ever actually seen one. Today when I took Caroline and Edward to a swimming lesson* I got all excited because I realized I was parked next to one. I have to tell you, people, that is one clever looking little car. It's a minivan, right, but it's all compact. Like short and... short but sort of ninja. I've added it to our list. I have also considered your views on hybrids and crossed them off, alas. Minnesota just doesn't seem like quite the right latitude but should circumstances change and I find myself living alone in Buenos Aires I am totally buying a Smartcar.

Ha! That reminds me of two things. The first is that (I believe) Consumer Reports said that the Smartcar was the worst car they had ever driven, ever. The second is that a dear friend of mine works for a Mercedes dealership and Mercedes has the honor of selling Smartcars. A year or two ago they were selling so poorly in his area that he joked they were thinking about offering a Buy One Mercedes Get One Smartcar FREE promotion. He suggested that people could use the Smartcars like dinghys, parking their E-Class in the road and then shuttling to the curb in their Smartcars.

Whatever. I think they're cute as hell.

Where was I?

Oh right. Coveting cars and eyeing the ones you suggested. Right now my heart is with the diesel Volkswagens. I saw a Passat wagon tonight as I was driving home from tumbling and I admired its clean lines as I tried to remember what you had said about fuel efficiency. Then I laughed aloud because I noticed her Wisconsin vanity plate said EZONGAS. Thank you, license plate!

* Swimming lessons. Oh god. You might recall that I signed Caroline and Edward up for swimming lessons last Spring and they were awful. So awful that the teacher recommended that for the following session they sign up for the one below that which they had just finished. Basically they flunked Pike. Flunkies. Two of 'em. Patrick - as we know - took five years a while to set the aquanautical world afire but even he was never demoted.

Rather than try to put them in a Mommy and Me class (Mommy and Me and Me?) I opted to drop the lesson thing for the summer. They swam with floaties and enjoyed the water and now that they are a mature three and three-quarters I thought we were ready to try lessons again.  

Today I sat poolside and watched their first class. For the first thirty seconds everything was fine. Then Caroline decided to hell with all the waiting and listening and dove into the pool. She was hauled out and tried, really tried, for at least three minutes to be still. But then a ball fell into the water and it started to float away and the teacher was busy with another kid so... what could she do? She jumped in again and thrashed after the ball. The two other little boys in the class looked at her in polite incredulity and Edward stared into space and the mom sitting next to me said, "She's not afraid of the water, is she?"

The class dragged on. The teacher tried to get Caroline to practice little kicks so Caroline attempted the breaststroke. She urged Caroline to dip her face and blow some bubbles so Caroline dove to the bottom. When it was her turn with the ball she was supposed to toss it gently into the zero depth area, instead she turned 90 degrees and threw it as hard as she could into the deeper end. Then she shouted, "Let's go!" jumped in after it and started paddling away as fast as her yellow chest floaties would allow. The lifeguard had to go get her again.

It's embarrassing to be the parent of the class looney. I went out to talk to her a couple of times and she had to sit with me once but I felt like this could be just the tip of the iceberg and for all the onlookers knew she regularly eats brown sugar out of the box for breakfast. Then I consoled myself with the fact that I have twins. See, I said to myself, look at Edward. Sure Caroline is a merdevil but look at Edward just sitting there. Obviously it is not my fault. Two kids, identical upbringings. One sits and listens, one thinks she should be teaching the water aerobics class.

Then I noticed that Edward was no longer on the edge. He had slipped into the pool, crawled into the shallowest water, flipped himself on his back and was lying there doing dreamy snow angels. The lifeguard went to get him.

I slunk lower on my bench.

Comments

[Michelle]

OMG I just laughed so hard that my coworker had to ask if I was ok. FWIW we looked at the Mazda5, but then I was rear ended and realized my daughter would have been killed in that backseat. So I bought a Ford Flex and LOVE it.

[Another Julia]

We have a Mazda 5, and I have to say I don't love it like I thought I would. The 3rd row is pretty much inaccessible with car seats in the second. I don't know if boosters will be any better. Having captains chairs in the second row instead of a second, well, ROW, really limits seating options as well. Also I don't think it's great in snow, and we are in PA. The tires are a special size and very expensive and whether this is related to the car or bad luck I have had an unprecedented number of flat tires in the past couple years that I have had it. Things may be better now, as I have the 2006 sport model, and these may be limitations of minivans in general, but the low ceiling limits climbing around potential.

[Monica C.]

"Let's go!" -- ROFL! I love it. Caroline was like, "Enough of this playtime nonsense, let's do some SWIMMING people." Too, too funny!

[Sheila]

Am I the only one here who reas EZONGAS as "ee-ZONG-ahs" and thought it was some Wisconsin slang for large breasts?

Befuddled though I was, your post still made me laugh. Thanks for sharing these kids of yours with us.

[deepish]

I laughed until I cried at this post!

But, WHAT are you thinking?! A diesel fuel car in a Minnesota winter - you know, they don't start when it is really cold. I'm just guessing it gets pretty cold there in January!

[Kelly]

Your writing is simply the best. Also, I just adore your kids in the most non-creepy way imaginable.

[Christa]

You are the best. Please don't stop ever writing. Margot is so right. I gotta stop reading this at work...for so many reasons.

[crystal]

Please do not get a VW. Yes, they're cute, and I love my gas mileage and a few of the unique features, but they're built to last squat. I have a 2006 Jetta that I've had to have fitted with a new headliner TWICE. What else? See if I can remember it all... the break lights would turn on by themselves, so I woke up to a dead battery one day; the trunk would pop open while in motion (the hook that locks it would freeze in the winter), so I risked my life several times on the side of the road closing it; it would lose power while on the freeway out of nowhere, so I would have to put it in neutral and then back into 5th gear a few times; the upholstery has tears in it, and I very rarely have passengers; the paint on my radio presets has all but completely peeled off; the CD player goes staticky every once in a while; the windows jam. It's just not a great make. I'm hoping it gets totalled soon.

[Scissorbill]

Alright alright, so I was here during numbers 9-13 but I can't really remember-was Patrick's pregnancy #1?

[Jackie]

From commenter above: "remember that girl who climbed out on the roof? She's taking swimming lessons now."

You have no idea how many times I've told the "girl who climbed onto the roof" story!
and now she's taking swimming lessons. I love it.

Thank you Julia, really, thank you for sharing your life with us. :)

[Shawna]

Sheila: is there any other way to read it? I see the exact same thing you do...

[Shawna]

Oh wait, now I get it! I may be slow, but I get there eventually.

[Diane]

No volkswagon!!!!! We purchased a lovely passat wagon three months before the birth of our first. It would simply die at random. We had it towed to nearly every VW dealership in southern Ontario in the first 6 months of ownership. Each time they replaced or adjusted something but it never corrected the problem. Don't want to even mention the day my daughter was born when I had to call the dealer from the hospital to tow the damn thing (how will I recognize you says the mechanic. Hmmm, I'm the 9 1/2 month pregnant woman. Should not be a problem.) The last straw was when it would not start when we were leaving a resort to go home after a rainstorm. Called a tow truck and the driver took one look at it and pulled out a hairdryer and extension cord and proceeded to blow dry the engine! Told us this was a common issue with VWs . We sold it soon after. I don't have time to blow dry my engine!

[Carrie (in MN)]

I have to agree with others about the Passats. I drive one now, a 2002, and it will hopefully be passed down to my teenager within the year. But I won't buy one again even though it has been a fun, zippy car because they are so much more expensive to repair than other makes. Also, I know many people who've had lemon Passats - mine wasn't one, but it seems to be an exception.

[Erika]

I was an engineer at the (much maligned) General Motors. Way back in 2002 or so, GM offered a promotion where you could get a free Cavalier if you bought a full size truck. We used to joke you could carry it home in the truck's bed. Your SmartCar story reminded me of that. My, how times have changed...

And, as an automotive engineer, I must warn you that I agree with previous comments that VWs are not built to last. Totally cute cars though. You sound like someone who keeps a car for a long time (more than 3-4 years) so you would likely end up with lots of repair bills later in its life.

And on the diesel front, remember that diesels take forever to get warm in the cold weather. Diesel engine combustion temps are much lower so it takes a long time of running the engine before they heat up enough to warm the passenger compartment. And they are so efficient that idling for 10 min before you leave doesn't help much. Food for thought.

If you have any specific car questions or if you decide to go the GM route and want a discount, just email me :)

[Anne]

I have mostly sworn off blog comments, but you are a wonderful writer. You always make me laugh. I recently moved and the comfort of reading this old friend on the computer, this old friend who has no idea who I am, but whose every word I read, has really been huge. So I want to tell you how much I appreciate you. (We once went on a house cleaning binge at the same time back in about '05 when one of our miscarriages coincided, but we haven't communicated directly since.) Dear God, I just realized I've been reading you for SEVEN years now. We will probably never meet, though I hope we'd click if we did. In the meantime, you are my millennial Erma Bombeck.

[elsimom]

Sheila and Shawna-i too thought EZONGAS was relates to bazongas....I wonder if that person gets many inappropriate questions?

[llcsis]

I have a friend in NW Iowa with 3 trucks(a man of course), 2 of them diesel. The diesel ones never want to start in the winter and even when he gets them running (all kinds of engine warming equipment) he has to warm it up forever. I don't think diesel is the way to go for you.
VW - gas mileage is not as good as Toyota, Honda or even Subaru and you have to put premium gas in it, so costs go even higher. I hear a lot of complaint$ from my VW owning friends too. That said... I almost bought a Tiguan, so adorable for a car.

[Betsy]

I also read it first as rhyming with, well, yeah. EZ-ON-GAS would have been better if only they could have squeezed some hyphens on to the license plate!

[Sharon]

Just another love post from a friend in Northern CA. You just made me and my kids (6 & 8) laugh so hard. Do you ever just look at Caroline and think, "Where did she COME from?" I do that with my daughter all the time. She's just so different from my husband and I and I LOVE it!

What unique, interesting, and funny kids you have. Of course, your writing makes it seem that way. I'm sure you have days of 'is it wine-o-clock yet?'

[Dawn]

I, too, was laughing out loud at the description of the swimming lessons. That Caroline certainly is a caution! And proof positive that we get what we get, child-wise, and we only have so much influence on them. If it's any help, my class looney has grown up into a lovely young lady with only occasional (now charming due to their brevity) glimpses of loon.

[Pam L]

If one of my kids had burned their yips on a light bulb, I would have heard about it, loud and clear! How did she not? Amazing. Hopefully she will get all this out of her system by the time she's 8. I think tattoos would be the least of her possible problems after that! And I had one son who could barely make it out of basic swim lessons and another who was a fish who went on to get the swimming AND lifesaving Boy Scout badges (Eagle badges).

[Pam L]

Oh yeah, and I don't know much about diesels but aren't they tough starting in cold climates in winter?

[tree town gal]

Hi. I'm back... I agree that although I love my Mazda5 (stick shift drives much zippier than the automatic, by the way) with the car seats, it isn't great to get to the tippy back. And while I love the gas mileage and I love that it's not a beast, it is tough as a vacation car when you WANT more room. However, since it is your second car, maybe not such a big deal. And Ford discount here. I forget that not everyone knows a 100 people who work for the autos. Duh. Let me know via email if you need a discount.

[tree town gal]

oh back a third time... i know...i am supposed to be working but this posts brings me to absolute joyful tears of laughter and is WAY more fun...

anyway - to Another Julia complaining about the annoying mazda 5 high profile tires - the wheels can be replaced and then you can get regular old tires. my automotive engineer did this on our focus wagon (hate that car from the minute we drove it out of the lot with the oh-jesus handle in my hand b/c it broke in dealership parking lot circa 2002). it can be pricey to replace entire wheel short term but then, no longer crazy high profile tires that are a fortune to replace = better in the long run.

[elspeth]

"short but sort of ninja"... like Caroline?! The story of her anarchist attitude at swimming class cracked me up!

[Emily]

As far as cars, I have a Subara Outback which I love love love. Minnesota sounds like the place where it would be very useful with the AWD. I love the way it drives and it has plenty of room for my 2 kids, you'd have to test the 3. Large back for luggage and dog.

[kara]

I heart the thirteens. OMG.

Also, Sheila, no, no, you are not alone. And it took reading your comment for me to have my light bulb moment, although thankfully my yips are fine.

[Aubrey]

oh goodness, I had to come out of lurking again to say that I am an aquatics director for a Y here in Las Vegas and I can tell your for sure IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I've seen it all and trust me, that is not even close to the worst. Actually when you mention it the way you did I thought they should probably move Caroline up the Eel class so she can really be challenged. If your at a Y that uses bubbles (those yellow floatie things) I'd say move her on up and tell the instructors she needs the challenge to stay focused. As for Edward, maybe he'd do good in the calm Pike level especially is Caroline isn't there to set a great example of paying attention?

Just a little ASSvice courtesy of a water lover! I'm glad your giving them a 2nd shot at swimming though!

[vanessa]

Caroline is going to be the first female president. I'm calling it right now. They better change the Constitution, though, because I don't want to wait that long.

[Jen]

Write A Book.

Also, when asked who I admired in a "Who Did I come Here To Be" seminar, I included you on my list. And not only because you have a hot husband.

[Darlene]

I agree with Kit on not staying to watch the swim class. She will do much better if you are not there. I can't watch my daughter's gymnastics class or she will get in all kinds of trouble and hurt herself or someone else. I do crosswords during my oldest son's bowling league and tournaments so he thinks I'm not paying attention (he knows now that I really am). It keeps the drama level way down.

[Kirsten]

I am not sure which is funnier -- what Caroline does or what Patrick says. Or what is cuter -- Edward's ways or I don't know what...

[Lise]

This is the third time I've read this post in the last 24 hours, just because it's so damned funny. Please, write a book. I'd buy it. I'd buy multiple copies for everyone I know. I'd take out ads in major metropolitan newspapers urging other people to buy the book. I'd hire a skywriter to tell crowds of people at the county fair to buy the book.

But first you have to write it.

[Cathy Y]

Julia, I adore you! May you blog forever or move in next door. That is all.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

oooooh my .... You know, sometimes people ask me what it's like to have twin 4 1/2 y.o. boys. My stock answer lately has been, "It's like having a pair of monkeys -- with really large vocabularies." But your post gets into the *spirit* of what it's like to have a pair of small crazy people around. So now when people ask what it's like, I think I will simply refer them to this post instead. (LOL! What a gem!)

[Annette]

Re quoting your kids: on our trip to Indonesia last month, Tertia (10) and I approached each toilet saying: "Now, is this a NASTY toilet?" Unfortunately, many were -- don't take Cayayine to Indonesia yet!

[Kisha]

My little girl had a disastrous class swimming lesson that eventually led the director of the aquatics program to personally offer her a set of private swimming lesson. (Apparently a deep-rooted fear of the water that led her to cry herself to sleep a month later is not actually the expected result of the class? HUH.) Anyway, after comparing the private swimming lesson to the group lesson (even before it became a disaster) led me to decide that we would ALWAYS do private swimming lessons. We continued with two or three more sessions and she learned more about how to swim in one class than she did in all seven of the group classes that she attended. Plus, no one gave her a phobia of the water. ;) In my case, it worked out to almost the same cost when you do the math on actual amount of instruction time. Plus, we made fewer than half as many trips to the pool, with all that entails in parental hassle and expense. Good deal.

It sounds like they would benefit from a little more... individual..attention. :)

[seven]

Caroline has an amazing spirit and you are doing a wonderful job parenting her.

Loved my non-diesel passat wagon, loved the heated seats, live in MN, great mpg, zippy.

[K]

Caroline is a pistol.

Or, Pistol Pete as we say it in our house.

[Amy]

As other commenters have observed, this post had me laughing out loud at work. Caroline is hilarious, and if I had a little girl, I would want one just like her. I think your twins are very lucky to have each other. They seem to balance the other.

[Kim]

Are EZONGAS virtual boobs that you get online? Took me a moment, too. Took me even longer to get the title, but yes, they are perfect as twins.

[fidi]

Also, all German engineered cars (even the not quite as expensive ones) need premium fluids (premium gas, fully synthetic oil, some obscure coolant I have never seen) etc. Simple oil change sets you back 2x what you are used to and everything else cost you 3x. And while they are fun to drive, stuff keeps failing and keeps costing you money. My 2001 VW did not catch fire or died on me completely (except for the times(!) the mice chewed the oil sensor cables, but that is not VW specific) but something needs replacing every other time I have an oil change.

[Chase Fisher]

Hilarious post. You are seriously so funny. I am going to start reading more often.

[Crystal]

I tried doing Mommy and Me and Me with the irish twins. Then the late bloomer tween got roped into the act so it was Mommy and fink + pissy big brother and fink.

So John took forever to put the tip of his nose in the water, he was swimming by the time he was 9. 5 solid years of swim classes (in SoCal, BTW).

Michael and Drew will learn sometime. Surely by the ripe old age of 30.... I quit.

You may feel shamed at swim class, but here on the inter-webs, we are charmed. :)

[winecat]

What Margot said ... and the picture of the thirteens OMG when did they get so big???

[Pam]

You need to write a Book! I love your posts. Your kids are adorable.

[Melissa]

Oh wow, they are so cute! Look at the glass half full, these kids are amazing and so what if you have to deal with this for awhile, you are very blessed.

[Robyn]

So this is a Sept 13 post; here we are, nearly a week later, and I'm *STILL* chuckling about "burning her yips"...dear LORD, woman, you crack me up!

[Terri C]

Awesome, awesome. The post AND the comments.