Jumbo

For Christmas I got Steve a pressure cooker/indoor smoker with the vague idea that he could use it to make his revolting collection of small frozen bird corpses slightly more palatable for the rest of us. And by the rest of us I mean me. You know, smoke em if you got em.

Initially we called the device the PreCoSmo but we quickly changed its name to the more accurate: Homer. Merry Christmas Steve now give me that kitchen gadget. Oh how I love this thing.

I started by smoking some salmon filets. Disastrous. Mistakes were made as I interpreted buttons labeled Hot Smoke and Cold Smoke and the end result was like chewing on the sodden remains of a campfire after a heavy rain. Blech. From there I have tried cold smoking and then searing scallops (not bad;) smoking a pork roast (excellent;) pressure cooking dried white beans and ham hocks to make soup in twenty (twenty!) minutes; pressure cooking chicken breasts for the children (nuff said;) and smoking kosher salt (brilliant. absolutely brilliant. it makes everything taste like bacon.)

So that's what I have been doing. I've also been recovering from all that holiday socializing. It's not that I don't enjoy it; it's just that I find it exhausting. That reminds me of one of my favorite comments. We were talking here about extroverts (Caroline) and introverts (the rest of us) and where people get their energy and someone repeated her husband's observation which was, to paraphrase: introverts get their energy from being alone, extroverts get theirs by sucking it out of the introverts.

Steve and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary on New Year's Eve. I woke up that morning and told Steve that although we don't usually do anniversary presents I would really really really like it if he would help me organize the house. I mean, REALLY organize it and to add a touch of compulsive glee to the process I had written down all the rooms on strips of paper and placed the strips into a hat. We would take turns drawing rooms out of the hat and then we would work together until that room was completely tidy before moving on. Didn't that sound FUN?

Steve squirmed a bit but eventually complied and we spent a madcap morning putting away the Christmas ornaments and doing fifty loads of laundry and finding homes for new toys. After a couple of hours of this we lost the hat. Or rather, I couldn't find it and Steve looked vague and eventually I discovered it on his desk.

"Oh there it is," he said.

It was my turn to pick so I reached into the hat and pulled out... "Have hot sex." All of the rooms were gone and every single slip of paper read: Have hot sex.

Steve looked over my shoulder and clicked his tongue. "Oh well. The hat has spoken."

What's a woman to do?

I frequently read - entirely in the comments of advice columns, I admit - about how hard it is to be married. This is not my experience at all. Being married to Steve is the easiest thing in the world and every single day I marvel at how lucky I was to meet him and how bizarre it is that none of the things that initially interested me (his green/gold/brown eyes, chiseled jaw and automobile figuring largely) have anything to do with how happy I am now. He makes me laugh. 

It was a great anniversary and after we put the kids to bed we split a bottle of champagne and watched Netflix.      

EDWARD

To say that Edward is driving us bananas would be a criminal understatement. He's awful. I was on the phone with my brother last night and mentioned the word sociopath and from upstairs Patrick shouted "Finally! Yes! Sociopath! I've been wanting to say that all day!" I shouted back up that Patrick needed to stop eavesdropping and not yell from his room when the twins are trying to sleep.

There is a lot of doing as I say in my parenting, you know.

+ TOTAL ASIDE - When we bought this house I had a moment's anxiety about the fact that the master bedroom is on the main floor while the other bedrooms are upstairs. I worried that we might not be accessible enough for the child(ren) and since I have seen this concern echoed about ten thousand times on House Hunters I wanted to take a moment to say: HA!

Also: Snuh.

Should you ever find yourself on the verge on not buying an otherwise lovely home because you worry about the sleeping distance between yourself and the kids - don't even. The children, they will close that distance. Trust me. +

Anyway, Edward the Terrible. I think, deep down, he is still the charming little lump of sugarrainbows we know and love but right now it is hard to ignore his more piercing air-raid siren qualities. He screams. This dreadful high-pitched explosion which occurs every time his will is thwarted; in other words, pretty much every second he isn't sitting on my lap watching TV and/or playing cars with Patrick. Yesterday I heard him go off and Patrick, calmly, said, "I'm not going to play with you if you scream like that." Patrick then went to his own room and shut the door; the door that Edward proceeded to beat upon while shouting, "PATRICK! PAY WITH ME! RIGHT! NOW! DO IT!"

I scurried up to intervene, explaining that Patrick wasn't going to spend time with him while he was shouting. Edward took a deep, shuddering breath and said, "But I just know that Patrick and I are best friend brudders. I just KNOW it and I want him to pay with me!"

This was cute and I softened and Edward saw my hesitation and seized that moment to fling himself back at Patrick's door, kicking it and screaming "SO OPEN UP! Or Else!"

He's young (by which I mean he is a solid six months behind his chronological age in terms of emotional development; in contrast to Caroline who has the social chops of a ten year old. straight up) and it will pass. In the meantime we all spend a lot of time gritting our teeth and repeating calm, firm boundaries except when I lose it and say "That is IT!" and carry him bodily up to his room, tossing him inside and then holding the doorknob until he stops screaming. Anyway. Edward. My beloved Edward. Is going through A Phase. A really really annoying phase.

On the plus side he creates delicious malapropisms (my current favorite is his timeless holiday greeting "Happy New York!") and really adorable grammatical hashes (like "Oh no I am isn't!" or the way he doubles every past tense so that he didn't just jump; he jumpeded.) He shares well. He is the creative mastermind behind everything he and Caroline do that departs even one scintillia from reality. Last night I briefly left the twins in the tub and when I returned with towels I found that Caroline was literally coated all over in strawberry hair conditioner. 

"What the... ?" I started and Edward explained, "I covered her in my special oil."

"Is that the WHOLE bottle of conditioner?"

"Yeah," said Edward, "but it's okay. It works magic on people AND mermaids."

Caroline nodded. "And I'm his mermaid."

Oh and Edward will only wear pajamas. I have managed to convince him that some fleece pants I bought at Target are pajama bottoms so he wears those outside but from the belly button up he is bed-ready 24/7. It seems like a harmless thing over which he can exert control.

Here he is happy.

Here he is contemplating whether or not he is as happy as he could be.

Aaand here we have Caroline and Edward posing for their birthday photo. So sweet.

CAROLINE

Caroline is amazing and fun and lovely. She has genius social skills and since the rest of us, um, do not, she is a constant source of delight and awe. She was invited to the birthday party of a preschool classmate over the break and if it had been Patrick or Edward we would have been a little anxious about all of the pitfalls inherent in spending time in a strange house with strangers but Caroline practically drove herself and not for a moment did we worry about whether she would eat the lunch or find the bathroom. Granted she was wearing something completely different when we returned to pick her up which made us go ooooooooooh maybe we should have warned them.... ? but it turned out the little girls were playing dress up and all four of them were clad in gowns. Whew.

We discovered just before Christmas that Caroline can read. She's no Patrick (oh come on. I'm not comparing them I am simply noting that Patrick was enjoying Shel Silverstein on his own by 4 and he is extraordinary in that way and that is fine and when he is living on $6000 a year in the desert outside of Sedona creating giant sculptures from recycled school bus parts he will no doubt still like Silverstein) but she can cobble together sight words and sounding out words enough to make her way through a level one Easy Reader and she is SO PROUD OF HERSELF. It's very cute.

She passed Pike on her first try (again, no Patrick. he was a Pike for YEARS) and is taking swimming lessons as an eel. I was amused by her end of session evaluation which showed that she had mastered about two of the ten eel skills but noted "Great self confidence!"

I laughed. She has no idea what she is doing but her confidence in her abilities is fantastic. I suspect we'll hear that a lot about Caroline.

Showing us silly

Happy

Unhappy

Sneaky

She's like the doll I never knew I wanted and I get to play with her all the time.

PATRICK

Patrick is better. Patrick is better? I don't know. Patrick has been on sulfa for three weeks and I think his sinuses are better but in truth I have no effing idea. My mom mentioned (a couple of times) in passing that Patrick seemed rather skinny and eventually this penetrated and I weighed him. I then put his weight and his height into one of the online calculators I used when Caroline was tiny and I was appalled. His BMI is literally off the bottom of the chart. Below fifth percentile. Skeletal. Famine victim. He's always been a fifty-fifty-ten kid (50th percentile for height, 50th for weight, 10th for head circumference back when they still measured his head which I still think is akin to phrenology) and now he's a little above fiftieth for height and nonetieth for weight.

I have started a campaign to fatten him up and after he finished a giant bedtime snack last night he said, "Wait a minute, are you trying to fatten me up?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Are we going to go all fairy tale?"

And I said, "No."

He said, "So if I ask for an icecream sandwich right now you'd give it to me?"

And I said, "Yes."

So he did and I did and I expect he'll start plumping up again any day now.

He had a good Christmas. As expected the Jonathan Coulton (or JoCo as we now call him since we are suddenly cool) was a big hit. I got him a DS and he plays it and the other night as I told him to shut it off and go to bed he said, "Isn't this pleasantly normal." I had been thinking the same thing but I was startled that Patrick made the observation. You know?

Raffle to follow.

Missed you.

Affectionately.

Comments

[liz]

The screaming shall pass, the weight shall be gain, the confidence (please, God) shall be kept.

[KristiBug]

Steve made me laugh. Smart guy! Glad to hear everyone is doing good!

[Heather Ann]

Thank you! Just made my day.

[Jillian]

Ha! My 4-year-old got only one "excelling" mark on his end-of-year report and that was in "self confidence."

[Sheridan]

Oh I just love a big long post from you!!

[Betsy]

I've been visiting your site daily (or at least that's all I'll admit to) because it seeeeeeeemed like a long time since you updated. Today? I was duly rewarded!

I love your descriptions of all your kids; but Caroline sings to me. We also have a four year old (who has just started reading) and who we always say has more social skills than the rest of us combined. We are all introverts, she most decidedly is not. Anyway, if you ever need a babysitter, send all three down to us in Texas; we'd love to have them. And, yes, Edward is just in a phase; he will get better and you'll look up one day and think "Oh my gosh, he's so fun to be around" and life will go on. He will always be gorgeous even when he's screaming, though!

[Jesabes]

Patrick kills me.

[jd]

Can I bond about the pressure cooker? I love my pressure cooker.

1. Best mashed potatoes ever. Cook them at high pressure for 8 minutes in one cup of water (then do a fast release). Drain the water and mash. Because there is so little water, all the flavor stays in the potatoes. They taste like russets smell.

2. Pork carnitas & rice: Sear a pork shoulder on all sides, fry up onions, garlic and various mexican spices, put the pork back in. Add a can of Rotel tomatoes and peppers, and chicken broth, going up to 2/3rds the height of the pork. Pressurize and cook for about an hour (meat should be falling apart when done). Take out the meat, and add a cup or so of rice to the liquid in the pot. Re-pressurize and cook for 4 minutes -- the rice will soak up all the porky-juices.

Pretty much any cookbook by Lorna Sass will be a helpful start. She's made a career of writing cookbooks with pressure cooker recipes -- talk about making your own destiny.

[Shawna]

I have long maintained that self confidence is one of the major keys to success. I have a friend that was a roofer before he left for China to teach English. Within a year he'd gone from teaching, to managing a school, to being the partial owner in a restaurant. He was going to parties at the Australian Embassy.

He's not the smartest guy I know, but boy, he oooooozes confidence and it's stood him in good stead.

Also, my 3 year old is going through A Phase as well. He is adorable, but driving us nuts! I can totally understand where you're coming from.

[MJ]

Steve makes me laugh too. Happy New York!

[Deanna]

I do believe Steve won his hot sex fair and square. Well-played, sir. And can Caroline give social coaching lessons to my kid...and um, me? She seems delightful.

[Txtingmrdarcy]

"Are we going to go all fairy tale?"

OMG, Killed me. Even more than the usual Patrick Killage.

[Melissa]

My son (almost 7) oozes with self-confidence as well. It is so opposite of my nature that if I had not carried him for 9 months I would swear he was not mine. But it is a really great trait to have. I, like you, never have to worry about him adapting to a new place. He walks in any room and is like "I'm here. Let the fun begin." But always in a really polite, respectful, grown-up way.

I see him going into politics, sales, etc. but he swears he wants to be a day-care van driver. What can I say? The boy likes to drive!

[Nancy]

Did Patrick ever get screened for Tuberculosis? Well-off white kids might not be routinely screened where you live (I'm in Canada so I don't know). TB manifests strangely in kids and with weight loss along with his headache and sinus things, if he's never been screened it would be a good idea just to make sure it's not that. It would be extremely unlikely, but TB is out there. I work with populations who do get TB so if he was showing up at our clinic that's what we'd be looking for with that set of symptoms.

[Sandra]

My hubby & I also have a New Year's anniversary! Best idea ever.

Thanks for all the giggles. I have to go find my (very precocious) 13yo son to read this aloud to him. We still laugh about the story wherein Patrick discovered irony.

[Amy]

Thanks for the update on your family. Love reading your blog.

[Abby]

The screaming! I have two boys. The oldest screams. The youngest will scream, too, probably when his older than 6 months. When does the screaming phase pass? And the pajamas, too. Whoa.

[Jaz]

I'm sure someone has warned you, but be careful with JoCo with the kids. Particularly First of May. I find myself singing it while I'm cooking dinner and so far have always caught myself in time to "bleep" out certain words and phrases.

[Shawna]

Your children are a delight. If i knew mine would turn out so well I would have 30! I have been resistant to the idea of marriage but you and Steve's relationship gives me hope that the right guy is out there :)

[Hawk]

Very happy anniversary to you both. And so glad you had a wonderful Christmas.

So glad to read you again and to be back at work, and in the swing of things. I'm crazy. I like routine.

Scary about Patrick... guess it explains no pics of him! :) Caroline and Edward are cute. Even if screaming. :)

[Clare]

You have once again brought laughter to my little abode here in Italy.... oh their quotes are the best!

I love coming here and reading about what they are up to.

[tree town gal]

Best gift for the holidays is this... your joy if nearly infectious... Patrick - my lord yes... the "killage" was particularly high on the glib "fairy tale" comment. Love to live vicariously re: brilliant children and a hubby who rightly adores you and makes you laugh!

[Shannon]

Love the update. I can't get enough stories about your enchanting children. Thanks for writing!

[Anna]

Missed you too! Your family is wonderful. Hope the ice cream sandwich(es) kick in soon.

[MFA Mama]

Oh, good, because the first thing I thought in the picture of Patrick with Caroline was that he looked a wee bit peaked.

Also, that last observation from him (as well as the sociopath one) just slayed me. He IS just so very droll, you know?

[Pam L]

This is the best thing I have read on an otherwise sadly grey day here, which saps all the vim out of me, not to speak of. the vigor.

Socializing wears me out, even if it is with the same people I've socialized with for the last 10 years. I enjoy it, I like having people in my house to talk and have fun and eat good food I and they prepare. But the next day, even though I had a mere two glasses of wine followed by water, I am spent. Our annual party with the neighbors was not that messy, Christmas dinner with my and my son's girlfriend's family was fun and the young ones cleaned up after, but I was done. I am glad the week between Christmas and new years is slow for us so I can just be, and do what pleases me. Your kids are the most amusing and/or you are the best biographer for them.

[Keren]

Missed you too.

Regards the fattening up thing. Have been trying to fatten up my ex-preemie just-turned-six-year-old famine victim for the past year. He has not put on any weight at all, but he grew 7 centimetres. Therefore he is even skinnier than before. Just warning you.

[Jan]

Thanks for the post New Year's treat -- full of killage and good cheer and brilliant kids! I love my pressure cooker. Sure, if you use it for everything like some of our moms did, things start tasting the same, but it is the best for broccoli, green beans and asparagus. Turn it off immediately after the lid starts to rattle, run cold water over the lid and open as soon as you can. Steamed to perfection. I also use it to make the beginning broth for turkey gravy (neck, giblets and vegs), and for quick chicken meat/broth for stews, quesadillas, etc. I don't know if it's really true, but beans cooked in pressure are supposed to have less gas. I make Boston baked beans and black beans in my pc. Wish I had the smoker part!

[sarah]

My 3.5 year old boy went through an awful phase a few months back. I was desperate for relief from the bossying, and tantrum throwing, and kicking. Oh my. A few changes to his routine and things are better. I hope he improves soon!

Caroline and Patrick are hysterical as always.

[Steph]

Try the professor layton games for the ds. They are great.

[Ellie]

Ah. I have a nine year old who rages in an out of this world sort of fashion. The sort that has the rest of us blinking confusedly at the illogic of it all. He, too, prefers to wear jammies all day every day. The jammies, eh, we homeschool, so it's no big deal. The rages, ah well, what with my brain tumor and all it's been a whale of a year and a half. He'll settle. Rages in small persons do pass, though that is not much comfort in the heat of it all. I am enjoying Carline vicariously. I do not have the social gene! Neither do two of my children; the one with the temper is the self-confident charmer. We shake our heads and expect him to entertain us in years to come with tales of his high-powered adventures (told to us as we bask homebodyishly by the fire).

[Toni]

We're potty training over here. There's a lot of screaming. Most of it is not mine. Thank you for making my day..it's so much better than cleaning up urine :)

[Leah]

Hurray for a wonderful long post!! I embarrass myself with adulatory comments on this blog, but it's SO GOOD. The Edward! And the Patrick! Not that Caroline isn't cute, but the direct quotes always win ...

[Kristin]

My two and a half year old daughter sounds a lot like Edward right now. My husband and I affectionately refer to her as our little sociopath. About Patrick and the weight loss/no gain--my son had the same issue when he went through 6 months of chronic sinus infection. He lost weight (very alarming in a 3.5 year old) and it took him a long time to get back on his normal growth curve. So maybe it is a result of that.

[Throwingutah]

Scribblenauts. Get him Scribblenauts, if you haven't already. He'd prpbably like the Professor...whoosits* games, too. But definitely Scribblenauts.

*not his real name. I forget.

[Lizneust]

Once again, I'm giggling like a fool. Also, my husband gave Steve's hat trick two thumbs up.

I have a newly minted 6 year old who became a royal pain at 3, and I hate to say that it has been a long and ugly "phase". She also believes that if she just screams loudly enough, we will all fall in line. Good luck and God bless.

Patrick's BMI is sorta spooky. Is that something you share with Mayo? Glad to hear he's in excellent spirits, though.

[lolismum]

Well, I know that this is going to sound bitchy, but I find it a bit ironic how you find other people's struggles with their marriage hard to understand. You did divorce once, did you not? You were married a short while, there were no kids, and you moved on and found someone you are more compatible with. Most people have to live with the less than compatible partners because there are children involved, there are financial constraints, social obligations etc. And hence their marriage requires work.

[JP]

So glad you are back! Missed you too. Your stories of your kids always crack me up!
Hoping the screaming and the skinny go away soon!

[Jen]

Wow, it surely is true that writing something nice about one's spouse and happy about one's life is sure to bring an angry comment, eh?

Of course, it's not easy for everyone (see how she notes that that seems to be commonly known in every advice column, ever?) But honestly? Easy for me too. Was picky (not really on purpose) and found a lovely spouse (who has always made me laugh) and am always very, very grateful for it. Wouldn't really know what "working hard" at it would mean.

Let a person have a little moment's delight on their anniversary!

[Alexicographer]

I have nothing profound to say (though Happy New York to you and yours, also), but wanted to note that my son will not wear pajamas, so maybe he and Edward balance each other out? I did keep mine in zip-up onesies through his second winter and perhaps this has led to rebellion but he sleeps fully dressed, in his sleep clothes. Our clever, crunchy pre-school teacher (as Patrick did, mine attends under a toadstool) once suggested we might save time (I forget details) if he came to school in his pajamas (as some of the other kids do) and I got a kick out of telling her we were way, way ahead on the whole "saving time" thing. He doesn't sleep shod, though, so it's not perfect.

[Amy]

Love this post, love your family, love the pictures. Write more!!!

[Kristin]

Oh, dear. "Best friend brudders" actually made me sniffle a little bit, so it's a good thing that "Are you trying to fatten me up?" came to the rescue. ;-)

[kara]

Happy wedding anniversary to you and Steve and happy natal anniversary to the twinkles! Love the photos and the updates for all 3 kiddos. Especially love the stories about the hat and the ice cream sandwich. Oh, and Happy New York! [*LOL snort adorable*]

[kim]

It wasn't so long ago that you called Steve a tool when he doesn't get enough sleep (I remember because, ahem, me too). Everyone, even those who do work hard at it, is allowed to enjoy their marriage every once in a while. And the hot sex. Especially enjoy the hot...wait, it's getting a little personal in here.
Skinny or not, horrible or not, I love reading about your kids and your life.

[Beth]

You know JoCo does a cruise? That would be a fun vacation. Everyone eats a lot on a cruise.

[Rbelle]

I'm so glad to hear that after 13 years with Steve it's still easy. I've been married three and a quarter years, 15 months ago we introduced a child into the equation, and I'm still waiting for it to get difficult (marriage, that is - parenting kind of knocked me on my butt with the difficult, so maybe the universe is simply giving me balance).

Happy Anniversary and Happy New Year - I can't wait to hear what it brings for you and the family :)

[Courtney]

It's SO nice to read a long post from you...hint hint.

Happy belated Anniversary!

Regarding Patrick. See if he will drink the Boost drinks, or at least something like Instant Breakfast. It has tons of vitamins and the Boost has a good amount of protein. Just a thought to get some more nutrients in him that's not food food. Make sense?

[missie]

Please say you took a picture of "Creepy" before you cleaned up?

[Laura]

No bitchy comments here! I just want to say I love your blog and I love your family and I love you and I feel blessed to have you all in my life! I am always thrilled to see a new post. I feel for you on the Edward-screaming thing. I have one twin who was a screamer from birth, and one twin who became a convert to screaming when she realized how effective it could be. Some days it takes everything I have to keep from losing my mind. Luckily they're cute and sweet most of the time, and oh, yeah, I blew $100K trying to have them! Happy New Year-- wishing you a blessed 2012!

[Emma]

I love love love your blog. And your kids!