One Liners

From the living room I heard, "Oh just shut up, Hehyo Kitty!"

I poked my head around the corner and saw Edward sitting on the floor by himself. Held up to his face was one of Caroline's one inch Hello Kitty figurines. It looked serene, pastel, vapid. Edward was scowling at it.

"Everything ok?" I asked.

"Yeah," said Edward without pausing in his glower.

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

I raised my eyebrows and backed away, leaving him to his quarrel.

"I mean it Hehyo Kitty - BE QUIET!" followed behind me.

I have this vague memory from somewhere - here? the comments? - about a boy whose imaginary friend was an older girl who refused to play with him. I always thought that was deliciously hilariously weird (clearly a trait we cherish around here) and Edward's one-sided feud with Hello Kitty ranks right up there.  Also I've never thought of Hello Kitty as particularly brave but I admit I was impressed that she was taking him on like that. He's pretty fierce.

+

Caroline is all about questions. Mostly what does that spell? or how do you spell... ? or - worse - why is that spelled... ? She is at the stage when children actively try to make sense of things; understanding, sorting and categorizing: boy toys and girl toys; cat food and people food; big kid movies and little kid movies.

This morning she crawled into bed with us rather early? Six? I don't know. It was dark and cold. It quickly became apparent that she had a very stuffed up nose and after listening to her snuffle for a couple of minutes I groped around on my bedside table until I found a handkerchief.

"Here Caroline," I whispered, "lean towards me and I'll help you blow your nose."

"No, I'm good," she whispered back. Then she picked up the edge of our duvet, held it up to her face and thoroughly blew her nose into it.

Which was completely disgusting and prompted a rapid evacuation of all parties from the bed. I started to gather up the bedding and Steve staggered toward the bathroom with Caroline trotting after him.

"Do you need to pee? I already went pee. Are you going to go pee? Boys pee standing up. Edward pees standing up.  Girls pee sitting down like delicate little flowers. I pee and poop sitting down. Daddy? Daddy Daddy Daddy? What about you? Do you poop like a delicate little flower?"

+

Patrick is irritated by negative numbers. Why? WHO KNOWS. But they annoy him. He was sitting at my desk the other day, working out the equation of a line and lambasting the entire premise of negative numbers.

"I mean how many elephants are sitting on this desk right now? Zero? Negative two? Negative twenty? Pah!"

Pah, says my eleventy-eleven year old fourth grader. Pah. Or maybe it was Bah. Whichever. Anyway, I was fairly sure he was teasing me about the whole negative numbers thing but just in case I wracked my memory trying to come up with the history of negative numbers? Fairly recent, maybe? Like, seventeenth, eighteenth century recent. Dutch perhaps? And they had a commercial start I'm pretty sure. Someone pointed out that accounts receivable and payable needed to be recorded and voila, negative numbers.

For the record I am not looking this up and therefore am well aware of the fact that I am making a fool of myself. But this is what I sort of remembered and duly repeated to Patrick in an effort to defend the negative. In an ideal world we would have wikipedia handy at every parental turn but sometimes you just have to fake it. With authority.

Patrick continued to work on functions and listened to me bumble on about numbers and finally said, "So you are saying that negative numbers are necessary because they allow people to pretend they have money that they do not - in fact - have. That they might - in fact - never have because just because someone owes it to you they might not give it to you especially in the 1700s when they basically dropped dead all the time?"

And I said, "...yarb?"

And he asked for a snack and I hurried to get it for him because I am VERY good at making Boost milkshakes as indicated by the fact that Patrick has gained two pounds.

Feel free, of course, to offer me a better defense of the negative numbers. Clearly I need one.

This is the family portrait Patrick drew for his Spanish class. He said that his teacher asked him not to show it to his mother for fear it might upset me. She is a very very nice woman but she overestimates the tenderness of my feelings. Please note little stick Caroline and little stick Edward and the little stick gatos. I laughed until I wept. Speaking of deliciously weird.

I am trying to find an art class for Patrick but striking out in the obvious places. He loves to paint but needs to learn technique. This is his latest (excuse the glare and it doesn't do justice to the colors) and personally I think it is great although of course these things are subjective. It's called Alien Moon, by the way, if you want to know what he was seeing. He took classes last year at the very formal Art Academy and I thought it was going to be a good thing but not only did he not enjoy it; he finished up feeling terrible about what he does and did not pick up a pencil or brush for months after the class ended. That would be, um, the exact opposite of what I was hoping to accomplish. I looked at MCAD but it doesn't start drawing and painting classes until age 12. I tried Craigslist because I thought maybe some art teacher might be looking to tutor... but nope. Any ideas?

Comments

[Julie]

Wow, I love Patrick's painting! Honestly, I really love it and would happily hang it on my wall. Which does you no good since I am neither in Minnesota nor an art teacher. But there you go. Patrick, keep painting!

The drawing cracked me up. Why would the teacher worry you would be upset? The jail? Has she met Patrick?

[Amy]

Maybe your local rec center or YMCA might have classes?

[Amy]

You have such cool kids. (Although snot on duvet = major yuck.)

Wow, Patrick has some talent! I love his painting...very abstract. When I was his age I took a (weekend?) course taught at my elementary school...it was some sort of extra-curricular thing. Have you thought about asking at a local community college? Maybe they have a lead on someone, or perhaps could grant Patrick access into one of their community courses?

I'm very curious about the subjects in his Spanish class assignment. Why all the sad faces? What is the orange thing (a traffic cone, upside down?) next to Edward? And who is the little one in the box to the left (are you all in jail?). He's so mature for his eleventy-eleven years that I'd be shocked if there wasn't some deep meaning to his drawing!

[Nikki]

There are some wonderful books out there to teach children art, but from the looks of Patrick's painting he is beyond what the kid's books would teach him. I produce art fairs for a living, one of them being the largest art fair in the country. I see a shit ton of art every day. Patrick has a wonderful talent - better then many of the artists I see who have done this for a living for 30+ years. Does your city have a Rec & Ed program? Many of them have art classes that are very good.

[Chelsea]

In St. Paul, Wet Paint (an art shop on Grand a few blocks West of Snelling) always has flyers up from students wanting to teach beginner things.

[Liz]

I've heard some good things about the Young Rembrandts program here (in Denver), but I think it is a national program?
http://www.youngrembrandts.com/

[SarahB]

Edward looks more like Caroline when he is fierce.

Last night my husband and I were collapsing with laughter at our little baby farting in his high chair. How will we possibly handle our child's eventual access to words?

[Val]

I would totally hang that painting in my house. He's really GOOD (but you know that). I love his use of lines.

[Tine]

Too bad about MCAD. That would've been my first suggestion.

Here's another one: Leonardo's Basement: http://leonardosbasement.org.

LB might be just the ticket for Patrick -- it caters to all kinds of creativity.

I laughed out loud at Patrick's family portrait!

[Janet]

Best family portrait EVER.

[Heather]

Get that boy an etsy shop - I know right where I would hang that!

Also, please post Edward on Etsy because I want him too. Especially given his feelings towards Hello Kitty ... who should be told to shut up early and often.

[Ellie]

What kind of art? My dad's a watercolor teacher in St. Paul - he probably knows someone who teaches art classes?

[Emily]

Leonardo's basement is really great, but they don't often have straight up art classes.

Cassondra Monson is great - you could organize your own class, and she would come teach it!

http://www.cassandramonson.com/

[tgsdmom]

Hahahaha! Also, hahahaha!
(I enjoyed this post very much.)

LOVE the family (and friend?) portrait.
I usually despise abstract, but Patrick's is pretty.

[missie]

Tears are streaming down my face from the family portrait! Hello- Christmas Card for 2012!!

[Anne]

Hi,
Okay, yes, this is really off the wall, but in our area there are a lot of (often free) art classes for seniors. Maybe Patrick could be the mouse in the corner--I think he might be delighted to be allowed to paint with the grownups? and he might delight them?

[Maizie13]

You might want to google "Art for homeschooling". I seem to remember an art program that featured DVD's for lessons and the child/student worked along.

[Erin]

That's a pretty awesome painting! It makes me sad to hear that the Art Academy discouraged him so. Don't stop painting, Patrick!

[parodie]

That is gorgeous artwork.

You never know what you could find by asking around (my sister teaches creativity & art workshops...but lives in a different country). Maybe there's a university or school with an art program where you could find a starving student (or underpaid artist) who'd be interested in a few one-on-one classes?

[Ellie]

I would frame and hang that painting. Wow.

My daughter (12) is a gifted artist (no, I do not use that word often or lightly). So is Patrick. My personal bias with Calli is to avoid art classes like the plague. What she needs (again, just my bias, philosophy) is the freedom to explore and express to her heart's content, and plenty of supplies to do so. Also, lots of exposure to art in books, museums etc.

[liz]

Look for something like a pottery class. The teachers of hands-on crafts classes tend to have friends who teach other things, maybe even art?

[Kate]

Wow, that painting is incredible! I have not one creative bone in my body (I was the sciency child...), but I so wish I could create things like that. That's such an amazing talent!

[MsCellania]

My sister went to MCAD for college. All I can say is if Patrick goes there, he will be obsessive about black clothing and possible piercings for months, possibly years.

[Marj]

Yes, go ask at Wet Paint. Plus bring Patrick if he hasn't been before; he'll enjoy it so much. Or if you want to bring a twin, just bring one at a time. It's not really 3-4 year old proof in any way at all.

[Melospiza]

Okay, I love Patrick's complaint about negative numbers and I think I will start using that ASAP. "Well, I'd love to get back to you about that today but...I seem to have negative twenty elephants sitting on my desk. Sorry for the inconvenience."

[Helen B]

I have a degree in art history and have taken some drawing and painting classes in the past, and I think Patrick's painting is very nice. The colors are beautiful. As for technique, I believe art is very subjective. I admit that I enjoy abstract and modern art as well. Do you think he'd be interested in Jackson Pollock's work?

[Kathy]

Here are 2 possibilities:
http://new.kidzartmn.com/index.php
http://www.abrakadoodle.com/index.htm
I would suggest Monart, but they aren't in MN.

Patrick is killing me with his explaination of our current economic problems and his family portrait :o)

[Emma]

Does Patrick know about imaginary numbers? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_numbers They don't exist. Except they do. Mathematicians like to play with them.

[rosie]

Awww, who's the poor soul, all by his lonesome, in the cell next to you?

[Holly]

Another option, if you don't care if it is an actual class, is to try to find a local college student. I'm not familiar with your area, but where I live the art education majors would love an oportunity like that to make some money and have some extra experience for their resumes.

[Niki]

I have to say I'm not sure about Patrick and art classes, per se. At the very least, you'd need to find someone who knew how to work with him without trying to simply cram their own knowledge into him. Is your main concern technique, or are you hoping to find a place where he'll be inspired and get to do stuff with other people? If it's mostly technique, I suspect DVDs and books might be a better source for a savant Patrick. Of course, you'd want to get some good feedback on *which* DVDs etc. to use, which means putting out feelers would still be a good idea. (Of course, on the flip side, you might find a great person for Patrick. I think you're almost looking for a mentor, though. At the very least, you'll want to let potential instructors know the lay of the land, and you should assess whether they appear ready to follow Patrick's lead while giving him structure, as opposed to forcing him to conform rigidly to their plans.)

I'm with the rest of the crowd, I can see putting Patrick's painting on my wall, even though I'm not much for abstract art. His use of color and shape is delicious.

Finally, have you considered sending Patrick to Interlochen's summer arts camp? We have some friends whose daughter went and loved it; and she had been to Sudbury schools and then was homeschooled when the family moved and the local Montessori middle school was deemed too authoritarian and rigid. I mention this about her because I don't think she would have enjoyed Interlochen if it'd been anything like Patrick's art academy experience.

[Lawmommy]

When my son, now almost 12, was 3 or 4, he was always asking why things were spelled the way they were spelled...and then one day his discovered the word "knight" and brought it to me, asked what it said, and when I told him, he looked at me like I was telling him a terrible joke. I insisted that it was really spelled with a kn and a ght, and he looked at me and said, "I don't care if that's the way other people THINK it's spelled, but I'm not going to spell it that way. That's silly." I can't say I disagreed with him, but the gazillion questions about spelling can be frustrating.

As near as I can tell, Patrick's painting looks as good or perhaps better than lots of things hanging in the modern art wing of the very fine (one of America's top ten) museums in my hometown. But I am not, generally speaking, a fan of abstract art. (Except Mondrian. I really like Mondrian.)

[Rebecca]

Edward really looks like Caroline in that first photo!

[Leta]

hahaha Patrick's family drawing is priceless. Love it.

[Anita]

That painting is AMAZING.

The Minneapolis Institute of Arts classes are really good. They're on Saturdays during the school year and there are also week-long summer day camps.

[al]

The Minneapolis Institute of Arts classes are really good. They're on Saturdays during the school year and there are also week-long summer day camps.

[Alyssa]

(Sorry - not sure why that posted twice while I was trying to type my name. Blasted phone. Feel free to delete)

[Christa]

Regarding the purpose of negative numbers, since he's working on line equations, have him draw an xy axis in four directions, with positive numbers to the top and right and negative to the bottom and left. What number besides zero could you have where the axes cross? If you chose a number besides zero, your axes would be limited in size in one direction or the other. Negative numbers allow your axes to span to infinity in all directions.

[Shawna]

Love the family portrait! And is Edward yelling in it? I find it hilarious that his Phase has made itself manifest in Patrick's art!

[Jan]

Agree with Callie and Ellie and Niki and the others about Patrick's talent and avoiding classes unless (and it's a big but) you can find a suitable instructor who understands the need to let him go free and instruct him in techniques and color theory when welcomed. Generally I would let that go until his later teens. I speak from personal experience and training as an artist. But also check out Interlochen.

[quirkfarms]

since Picasso said it took him all his life to learn to paint like a child I'd forgo classes and just give him all kinds of materials and let him go at it. this boy is talented!

[Denise]

Family portrait OH MY! Was Patrick trying to get sent to the school psychologist? Maybe she is very cute, or keeps candy at her desk?

And who is the kid in cell 635610 with the ball and chain?

The abstract is pretty astounding. What a talented kid!

[Christine]

Oh my! If I send Patrick photos of my husband, the cat and me, can he draw our family portrait too? That made me laugh and laugh. The abstract is awesome too, but did not have nearly enough prisons in it to appease my wacky sense of humor.

Glad to hear that you and the delicate flowers are all well. I vote for placing an ad for an art teacher, or find out if there are any colleges w/ education programs for wanna be art teachers and snatch one up post haste.

OR when all else fails, go to Amazon and order up some books and then go to youtube to find demos.

[Penny]

I agree with the others who said to give Patrick lots of supplies and books to look at. A trip to your local museum might give some inspiration, too. Offer him many different mediums to work with. Pastels, pencils, oils. He really does have talent! I would also open an etsy shop for him and he could buy his own supplies with his profits. He could work on his business skills. I know there are quite a few of us that would buy his work! GO Patrick!!

[bethany actually]

"Daddy, do YOU poop like a delicate little flower?"

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Find a starving art student, or check with art teachers at local high schools! My good friend Brenda makes her living as a graphic illustrator, although she didn't major in art in college because she thought it was impractical as a career. She sort of stumbled into it anyway, and she wishes now that she'd had more classes growing up. But she is thankful that when she was about 7 or 8 years old, she studied oil painting for a while with a friend of her dad's. She says a lot of really basic things like perspective and blending she learned from him and it's stuck with her all these years.

[Nancy]

That's an excellent abstract. Patrick is a natural.

[Pam L]

How about a community center painting/art class? Our city has all kinds of classes and I'm pretty sure you could find one that isn't concerned so much about turning Patrick into realistic portrait or still painter as letting him explore painting his own way with guidance.

[Victorix]

I love the tally marks on the cell walls. And did the cats really come to visit you, that's very cool! Best family portrait, ever.

[Heather S]

I know ppl either love him or hate him but I know you can buy Bob Ross dvds (happy trees!) which would at least give Patrick some ideas about new techniques and teaches about different types of brushes and such. My husband's uncle just did a painting along with his Bob dvd and it turned out amazing.