If the hand-inked posters I read this weekend are to be believed - and why would they lie - the high school in which Caroline takes her Chinese classes will soon be hosting its winter semi-formal. The theme? A Night on the Titanic. I laughed (aloud) when I read that and I have laughed every time I have thought about it since. My first thought was that they're throwing a fancy costume pool party... and I know parties. My second thought was that at least I'm not still in high school. Yes, I believed my prescription pain med label when it said I could take one or two before bedtime last night and thus was ultra-sedated, literally unable to open my eyes before ten thirty this morning, but it's not like the cutest boy in school (the John Hughes nice one. not the John Hughes ass one who drives a Porsche and pronounces it porsh-AH. accurate, yes. affected, most assuredly.) Where was I? Oh right, at least I am not trying to figure out how to incorporate the dress I want with the dress my Dad bought me with a shingles-hiding neck brace so that the cutest boy in school doesn't think/know that half of my neck is covered in sores.
So YAY ME! I am not in high school and no one has asked me to go to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance. I am not planning a valentine's day wedding. I am not a neck model on the eve of the biggest pearl choker catalogue shoot of the season. I do not have an unvaccinated baby (sorry Allison! that SUCKS.) I do look awful in turtlenecks but who am I trying to impress, anyway? Steve? The only way I know that Steve has plans that will be taking him from home is when he shaves more than once in five days and the last time
[warning: if you know me, especially if you know me so well that you are related to me, and you feel that confessions from the marital boudoir might scar you for life, scar you like a bad case of the shingles, skip this part]
the last time Steve sought to seduce me with his masculine wiles he did so by jerking his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of our bedroom. When I asked whether this approach had proved successful for him back in his salad days he said, Uh, YEAH and when I pointed out that even the taciturn steely-eyed heroes of romantic novels treat these delicate negotiations with more tact he looked baffled.
I said, "Oh you know. If the sight of me in my bathrobe has inflamed your passions you might want to flash me a glimpse of your well-turned ankle, laugh at my jokes, pull me into your arms with a soul-bruising kiss and then whisper naughty things about dewy rose petals and the forbidden entrance to a salt-scented cove."
Steve said, "Cove?"
I said, "Cove."
He said, "OK. Fine. Permission to come ashore?"
I DIED laughing.
Huh. Totally off the rails here again, sorry.
Anyway, I still have the shingles and things could still be much worse.
Oh. One more thing totally unrelated thing.
Today as we left tumbling Caroline and Edward were sitting on the floor putting their shoes and socks back on. A woman and her daughter were standing about a foot away from us waiting for another child. Caroline put one of her socks on her hand and said, "Hey Eddybear! Let's play sock puppets!"
Edward said, "OK" and pulled one of his socks onto his hand too.
I let them continue this for about sixty seconds before I said, "OK, c'mon, we've got to go. Socks and shoes on your feet please."
The child standing next to the woman next to me said, "Can I do that with my socks?"
And the woman, the one standing so close to me her hand was practically in my pocket, said, "Of course not."
Kid said, "Why?"
And the woman said, "Because your socks have been on your dirty feet. That's disgusting."
Now I know that one person's choice is not a tacit condemnation of another's alternate choice (I mean your decision to breastfeed should not be interpreted as saying that there should be a worldwide law that makes breastfeeding mandatory [Hiya Bundchen - Go Ravens]) but I couldn't help but feel a little slapped by this exchange. I mean, I was always careful to be neutral when I explained to my children why they weren't allowed to ride in the basket of the shopping cart LIKE THAT KID RIGHT THERE. I might have thought "Because unlike THE WOMAN STANDING NEXT TO ME I love my children and I don't want them to sustain a head injury" but I always said, "Because we don't."
Of course that was back before I just let my kids ride in the damned basket, which also preceded my willingness to let them put socks on their hands and, I dunno, lick things.
In retrospect, I probably should have shown her my neck.
PS Just so you know, I was more amused by the sock comment than offended or anything. It was in total harmony with my week.
I am invited to a party! And I KNOW parties. Oh, Gerald. Oh, Piggie.
Posted by: Alison in Toronto | January 29, 2013 at 07:27 PM
I see what you mean about feeling the judgey judging judgement on you, but perhaps she only thought that her particular child's feet were germy & tinea infested, while your children's feet are obviously above such filth & infection? (I'm totally that mum who fails to monitor my mouth but bears no judgement or ill-will to parents with boundaries otherwise inclined) (but then I have no high horse to ride on either, my 8 month old was last week found at the park chewing on a used cigarette butt - oh the shame & disgust I can never get over, sock puppets are a nothingness of germs to compare to that thought - feel good about yourself, for I never can about myself again sadly)
Posted by: claire | January 29, 2013 at 07:32 PM
I realize I read this too early since the only thing I enjoy almost as much as a Julia post is your brilliant reader comments (which are truly quite amusing as well).
Since I am so early I thought at least I would share that compliment
Posted by: Chris | January 29, 2013 at 07:40 PM
I like you on pain medication :)
Posted by: Clarity | January 29, 2013 at 07:54 PM
I just have to think that the poor woman (and her child, obviously) will miss out on so much the world has to offer. I try not to say "of course not" to anything my child wants to do. First of all, when you say that, you're teaching your child that their thoughts are stupid or invalid...not to mention the other people whose pockets from which your hands might need to be removed.
I really really enjoy your family and the sense of humor that runs through it like a sensuous, sinuous ribbon.
Posted by: reenie | January 29, 2013 at 07:57 PM
You know, I'm pretty sure I would have been so boggled by the comment that I wouldn't even have caught the implied insult. Seriously, who teaches their kid that their feet are disgusting? Talk about crazy body-shaming there. Poor kid. (And now I'm wondering if this is just really Californian of me. But honestly, why would feet be dirtier than any other body part? It's not like she's, oh, I don't know, wiping her butt with her feet? Or blowing her nose with her feet? Or coughing on them? Ew, now I think maybe the gross part was letting the hands touch the socks.)
Posted by: Sarah Wynde | January 29, 2013 at 08:01 PM
One of my staff members often says, "You can do all things." I think I'm going to take that approach with my children when it comes to sock puppets, but add a caveat "but you might die" for riding in the basket.
Posted by: Nicole | January 29, 2013 at 08:18 PM
Hahahaha. That's pretty funny, really. I guess she doesn't know about how kids who live on farms have fabulously good immune systems and far fewer allergies than the delicate flowers of the suburbs and the urbs.
It's the sort of situation where one wishes to have the ability to say something that sounds totally innocent or unconnected but that would connect up in her head in about 5 minutes. And she would feel silly.
Sock puppet on. I bet she doesn't approve of underwear on the head either.
Posted by: Jen | January 29, 2013 at 08:30 PM
Well, unless her kid's feet have (or recently have had) infections, she's a wee bit tactless. I mean, I've always had ISSUES with my feet (every possible toenail problem! infections! breaks! now arthritis!) so I could see myself telling a child 'no' and not explaining WHY their particular feet are unclean. However, seriously, one washes one's hands FAR more frequently than one's feet, so there.
Posted by: Meg | January 29, 2013 at 09:06 PM
I already knew I connected with you in many wonderful and odd ways - but when you quoted Mo Willems it took it to a whole new level!
And seriously - did no person in authority at the high school review the dance theme and say "You are aware of how it ends, right??"
Posted by: finuala | January 29, 2013 at 09:17 PM
I could definitely see myself uttering such a comment (in fact, I would have to think really hard to make sure it WASN'T me if we didn't live so many states away) because I have issues with feet. My own feet included. I guess I don't see it as body-shaming but perhaps it is... it's just not much different than the butt in my opinion. Great body part, wonderful functions, but I'd rather not touch or see it, thank you very much.
I always feel bad when the kids come to me for the "all better" kiss when they've hurt their feet and I feel my face turn green. I try to deflect it by being silly about it, "ew, I'm not going to kiss your stinky feet!" They usually laugh and feel better a lot sooner than when other body parts get hurt.
All this to say that she probably meant no harm to you.
Posted by: Kripley | January 29, 2013 at 09:26 PM
I think we should also have a world-wide requirement to be 6-foot-3 and 130 pounds, right Gisele? Go Ravens, indeed. (I know that was a teeny part of the post, but still chaps me today!)
Posted by: carrie | January 29, 2013 at 09:26 PM
I don't know. I tend to think "A Night on the Titanic" sounds almost too on the nose for a high school winter formal.
Posted by: Justin | January 29, 2013 at 09:46 PM
I would have said (ok probably just thought), "your kids have dirty feet? That's disgusting." Or "here you can borrow our sock puppets then".
Posted by: BethF | January 29, 2013 at 09:47 PM
Oh hahahaha. Yeah, I am right now (still) trying to teach my son that when we say we don't want to eat XYZ it's not because "That's Disgusting!!!" or, relatedly, "This [particular case of] XYZ is disgusting, because (you cooked it in sauce/you didn't cook it in sauce/you burned it)." Naturally XYZ is something I am myself eating at exactly that very moment and really, I am not actually put off by his remark, but: manners! (If I could teach my husband not to exhibit the sorts of behavior I am trying to teach OUT of my son, that might help. ~1.5 decades married, still trying.).
I like BethF's reply.
The Titanic dance ... erm. Count me glad I, too, am not a teenager. I don't there's any amount you could pay me to do that again.
Hope the shingles shape up (not sure how long that takes, hope yours are quick).
Posted by: Alexicographer | January 29, 2013 at 09:53 PM
A Night on the Titanic! That's amazing. Why do teenagers and the adults who chaperone them want to break my heart with their vulnerable poignancy all the time??
Posted by: Leah | January 29, 2013 at 09:54 PM
Am I really the only one still giggling at 'permission to come ashore?'
Posted by: Lisa | January 29, 2013 at 10:06 PM
Wow, woman has issues with feet ... I guess it all has to do with one's life experiences. If you'd battled athlete's foot and ingrown toenails and whatnot for decades, I guess your perception might be that feet are kinda gross. I rather like feet as long as they're clean ... I once had a boyfriend tell me I had beautiful feet (and I don't think he had a fetish! LOL!) and I must say that for brilliant and off-the-wall compliments, that one took the cake for me. In a good way. :)
However, I am totally the uptight mom in so many ways that I have little room for superiority. And our twin 5 y.o. boys seem to have NO IDEA that anything in this wide world is gross or disgusting. One of them STILL puts all kinds of junk in his mouth. (This from the boy who can tell you how a flying buttress works! Good grief!) So I find myself making that judgment ALL the time that various things are "disgusting" simply in the hope that Flying Buttress Boy will not put said things in his mouth absentmindedly. Sigh.
Posted by: Hetty Fauxvert | January 29, 2013 at 10:13 PM
I howled at "In retrospect, I probably should have shown her my neck." Oh to have seen her face if you did...still giggling.
Ahem, not that the rosy blush that currently adorns your neck could be considered repellent or unflattering.
Oh - and I never did understand how people hate (or are attracted to) feet - are there people out there that are revolted at elbows or ears too?
Posted by: llcsis | January 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
i am sure i would have given her 'the look' and that would have shut her mouth really fast or i would have said something like 'jeez, where the hell have their feet been'..and made another friend!
Posted by: kris (lowercase) | January 29, 2013 at 10:22 PM
"In retrospect, I probably should have shown her my neck."
Oh, I am laughing.
Posted by: Kelly | January 29, 2013 at 11:19 PM
I died laughing too. Keep him.
Posted by: Kez | January 30, 2013 at 12:10 AM
I really hope whoever suggested Titanic as a dance theme was taking the mick and then found he or she couldn't back out when everyone else took them seriously. But then I'd be the one asking the committee whether it was pre or post iceberg and first class or steerage (or crew for that matter) - clearly there's a reason I was not involved in organising my school leavers' ball!
Posted by: Carie | January 30, 2013 at 03:41 AM
I graduated HS in 1998, which was around the time Titanic came out. I think it came out in December. At any rate, our prom themes were always based on a song and that year we, the senior class, voted for My Heart Will Go On. We had boats embossed on our napkins and souvenir plastic champagne flutes. I'm pretty sure our teachers thought we were nuts.
Posted by: Kim | January 30, 2013 at 05:54 AM
I would have told her we wash our feet so they aren't dirty or disgusting.
Posted by: Susan | January 30, 2013 at 06:18 AM
That woman's judginess makes me think she needs to get laid... and I mean the really dirty kind. :P
I used to have normal issues with dirty things in mouths til I found my, then 18mo, son *licking* the kitchen floor. Nothing else phases me now. I do, however, have a standing rule with booboo kissing in that I kiss any and all booboo's excepting feet and bottoms because, well, just no.
Posted by: Kelly H. | January 30, 2013 at 07:45 AM
See, this is where I would have wiped my neck and then went over and slapped her on the face. Arrest? Yes. But perhaps she has an open sore on her face and she might get shingles there :)
Posted by: Toni | January 30, 2013 at 07:55 AM
Correct me if I'm mistaken but you were at tumbling right? Where kids put their hands on the floor....where their "disgusting" feet walk?? I'm pretty sure that kids hands were already "infected" with whatever was on their (and any other kids) feet!! I would have stared her down lol
Posted by: Amie | January 30, 2013 at 08:39 AM
I'm not sure who's funnier today...you or all your lovely commenters! I can't stop snickering. :)
Claire, my daughter did that, too, at about the same age. She's almost 7 years old now, and I still haven't gotten over it! :P
Posted by: Tine | January 30, 2013 at 09:02 AM
So the implication is it will be the beginning of a night on the Titanic? Since it's not called Floating Around On the Icy Remains of the Titanic?
Posted by: Liz | January 30, 2013 at 09:29 AM
Claire, I DIED laughing about the cigarette butt. I am even more dead than Julia was after Steve's comment.
I DIED and now I am DEAD, is what I'm trying to say. So, you might be a terrible mother, but at least you've brightened the day of an Internet stranger!
Posted by: Sammyx | January 30, 2013 at 09:31 AM
Recently I was on the stinging end of a comment, not about socks, but about food...My boyfriends son had a girl over with her children for the weekend (yes! he still lives at home...don't ask...LOL ) and after having feed her kids for 3 days with NO help from her...I had made a double batch of beef stroganoff, a double batch of my homemade chilli, and had also made choc. chip cookies with the 3 girls, 3,7 and 10...(mine is the 10 yr old...) while she watched...she then walked off as I feed all three kids supper, giving her two girls a little of both as I didn't know what they would eat...when she finally appears in my kitchen again, after the feeding frenzy was done n over, I said, "not sure what your kids really ate" and her response was "well I never make anything that smells nasty"...my response was to go sulk in the corner with the whole box o wine...well, what was left...I seriously didn't know what to say... LOL
Posted by: Tania | January 30, 2013 at 09:54 AM
I am a long time reader and first time poster here... but I had to "unlurk" to say that that is my family' FAVORITE Gerald and Piggie Book, and we all crack up laughing about it whenever we read it. My four year old is actually having a fancy costume pool party for her birthday this year, we love that book so much...
Ok, back to reading and enjoying your blog so much and keeping quiet...
Posted by: Joyce | January 30, 2013 at 09:55 AM
Oh Julia, I want to be you when I grow up :-)
Your posts always brighten my day! (and I hope evil shingles will go away quickly!)
Posted by: Olya | January 30, 2013 at 10:08 AM
I now want to write a screenplay in which the couple of focus frequently uses "permission to come ashore" salaciously. I believe I'll call it "A Night on the Titanic."
For your amusement, I will never look at this scene again without thinking of you and Steve: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6l2Vi5sr1E
Posted by: Kizz | January 30, 2013 at 10:15 AM
Ha ha ha. I wont let my kids do sock puppets with dirty socks either. Clean ones yes. But thats my personal hang up and not yours! I would never say anything out loud but I did find it amusing.
Posted by: Nan | January 30, 2013 at 10:26 AM
The people who are suggesting that the prissy lady at gymnastics was not actually judging you clearly do not live in Minnesota.
She was not only judging you, she wanted you to know it! Either that or she's from out of state and hasn't yet acclimated to local norms.
Posted by: Naomi | January 30, 2013 at 10:29 AM
Oh yeah. She was judging you. Awesome. :)
Permission to come ashore...cannot stop laughing. Thank you Steve!!
Posted by: Jill | January 30, 2013 at 10:39 AM
Oh, man. The bitch face I would have shown that woman. She would have FELT MY DISSATISFACTION.
Posted by: Jana | January 30, 2013 at 11:16 AM
I'm with Jana. Bitchface would be coming her way.
Posted by: Anne | January 30, 2013 at 11:26 AM
"It was in total harmony with my week."
Yup. I'm sure that had nothing to do with the pain meds, either. ;)
Posted by: LMM | January 30, 2013 at 11:36 AM
I have my own little mantra "Immune system, immune system, immune system" that I repeat in my head whenever one of my children touches/puts something in their mouth that is particularly unclean. Touching feet or socks doesn't even come close to touching the floor of the public restroom, or "what's this little trashcan for Mommy?".
But the worst was my daughter licking the floor of LAX at 18 months old. She was toddling along just fine and suddenly belly-flopped down and licked the carpet. Not even the tile floor which might have gotten mopped with bleach at some point. But she survived, without even any significant digestive upset, so now I just try to stay calm and repeat my mantra in my head while removing little fingers/tongues from places they shouldn't be!
On the plus side, she is rarely sick...
Posted by: Katie | January 30, 2013 at 12:48 PM
[Hiya Bundchen - Go Ravens])
Love You!
Posted by: Laura | January 30, 2013 at 12:50 PM
Well since her kid just got done with tumbling....on mats....with bare feet....and other children...their hands are already filthy! What's a little toe fuz??? Seriously let your kid play with their socks and have them wash hands (seriously with all the flu and whatever after a group activity I always make my 5 year old wash hands) after and be done with it!!
My daughter used to lick the car. No idea why. She'd be standing there waiting for me to open the door and put her in & she'd be mid-lick watching me. Seriously?? The car??? Kids are so weird.
Posted by: Courtney | January 30, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Between you and me, I'm a horrible parent. I would allow the sock puppet and the basket sitting. I hate her type. Show her your neck
Posted by: Liz S | January 30, 2013 at 01:17 PM
Huh! I put the dirty socks on my own hand and say, "Sock monster, sock monster" and grab the kids with it. And then we have sock battles. That woman is just missing out on a good time. And, we do wash our hands, periodically, and would probably do so after tumbling class....at least during flu season.
I probably wouldn't do it in the doctor's office or hospital room if the socks had touched the floor.
Loved Justin's comment about the Titanic being an apt theme for a prom.
Posted by: Mellie | January 30, 2013 at 01:25 PM
1) I would (and do) totally let my kids make sock puppets with his dirty socks
2) while also telling him it's disgusting because really it is
3) especially if I'm in a hurry to go someplace and he wants to spend five minutes dinking around with his socks on his hands
Posted by: Brigid Keely | January 30, 2013 at 02:14 PM
Julia sober is a riot, but Julia on pain meds? Put that coffee down before ya'll start reading!
In our house "permission to come ashore" is phrased (usually by me) as "can you pencil me in for Saturday night". Laughter is the ONLY way to go.
Posted by: zarqa | January 30, 2013 at 02:50 PM
I am now picturing the high school dance as involving girls in dresses, snorkels and flippers, and boys in inner tubes and top hats - didn't get the Willems reference right off but I love it. More than an actual Titanic party, which, wow. I hope they have these "Gin and Titonic" ice cubes:
http://www.amazon.com/Fred-Friends-Titonic-Cube-Tray/dp/B001GQ2SQ6/ref=sr_1_1?s=kitchen&ie=UTF8&qid=1359581296&sr=1-1&keywords=titanic
Posted by: Genevieve | January 30, 2013 at 03:28 PM
Thank you Julia and Steve for the laugh of the day. It was wonderful.
I would have shown her my neck.
Posted by: winecat | January 30, 2013 at 04:16 PM