As we drove to Family Dinner Out the other night Caroline endeavored to improve our collective minds by reading aloud in the car. The book was a child's guide to New Zealand (sent by relatives who are currently touring those imaginary islands) and contained all sorts of useful information; like the fact that although many New Zealanders identify themselves as chreeteeans (with blah percentage being Proteesants and another blah Roman Cat-oh-licks) Caroline informed us that "about a third of the population belongs to no re... re... ridiculous group at all."
Caroline is nothing if not self-confident and listening to her boldly hack her way through all those pesky letters is like the best game of telephone ever.
Steve has vowed that one of his new conversational gambits will be to ask people if they adhere to any particular ridiculous. Since he has already offended, um, everyone we know who he is going to offend I told him to go for it. He's That Guy.
Edward continues
[Edward et al are currently attending tumbling class. I just glanced over to see Edward carefully pick his way down an angled balance beam, hop over whatever it was he was supposed to hop over and then jump off the end. His teacher made him climb back up because... he had forgotten his pre-jump jazz hands. Seriously. Jazz hands]
Edward continues to conduct his banned nighttime infiltrations into our bed. In the morning I roll over, meet resistence and open my eyes to find Edward smiling and blinking at me from two inches away. His stories vary.
Two days ago he took the offensive:
"Where... where am I?" he asked. "What are you doing here?"
"You are in my bed, Edward, and the real question is what are YOU doing here?"
"I haf no idea. I must've been sleepwalking."
Yesterday he tried a Lesser of Two Evils Defense:
"Well I got up in the midduh of the night and I was going to go play xbox but I remembered I need to ask permission to play xbox so I came to your bed instead."
This morning... well this morning I think I slept on my side funny because I was sort of half-awake when I realized that one arm was completely numb. So numb that I could not move it of my own volition, thus I reached over to grab it with my other hand in order to shake it around and get the blood flowing. I tugged and tugged and I still couldn't feel it so I started slapping it against the bed until Steve finally emerged from his cocoon of blankets and growled, "What are you doing? Stop pulling at my arm."
I opened my eyes and realized that my numb arm was still pinned to my side and the arm I had been trying to work like a pump did in fact belong to Steve. And, now that he mentioned it, it was rather muscular and, you know, hairy. I mumbled an apology and started to explain that I felt like I was half corpse.
Edward popped up from the other side of the bed.
"Be quiet!" he said peevishly. "I'm still seeping ovuh here."
Mercy. I adore your family.
Posted by: Heather | February 26, 2013 at 09:11 PM
Oh, God. Dying of laughter here. Whatever-age-year-olds seem to be the BEST. (I can't remember. Are they six? Five?)
Posted by: Jesabes | February 26, 2013 at 09:28 PM
Hilarious.
Posted by: Mary Ostyn (Owlhaven) | February 26, 2013 at 10:25 PM
So glad I checked before getting down to work (at, oh, 10:30 at night). Just the diversion I needed! Thank you!
Posted by: Cris | February 26, 2013 at 10:25 PM
I LOVE this post! No ridiculous groups for me either. Ha! [*JAZZ HANDS*]
Posted by: kara | February 26, 2013 at 10:27 PM
It feels good to laugh.
Posted by: Kirste | February 26, 2013 at 10:36 PM
I very rarely laugh out loud over something I read, but this has me cracking up. And I keep re-reading it and laughing some more. My favorite post ever!
Posted by: Stacey | February 26, 2013 at 10:51 PM
I love the arm story! Haaa!
By the way, the now defunct Scrambled gave me a lot of mileage per post in its short lifetime. I still cook recipes from it--in fact I'm cooking the couscous cakes tomorrow night. So basically this is a clumsy hint that, if you were looking for other stuff to do with your copious spare time, you know...I would LOVE if you resurrected it.
Posted by: L. | February 26, 2013 at 11:23 PM
Oh, that is a joke every secular parent could love.
Posted by: Kim | February 26, 2013 at 11:28 PM
Ohmygosh ... the belly laugh I got from the arm story might have been worth the week's wait! (Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous here.... ;o)
Posted by: Hetty Fauxvert | February 27, 2013 at 12:11 AM
Ha ha! I'm one of the third of the imaginary population who belong to no ridiculous group at all - unless my nutty family counts as a ridiculous group. Although, apparently not as we are all a figment of someone's imagination;)
Posted by: Sarah | February 27, 2013 at 12:52 AM
Ha! From the mouths of babes...
And you have described my early mornings almost perfectly, dead arm rigamarole and all, except in my case the little person is incessantly whispering and/or singing to herself and intermittently inquiring as to whether or not it is time for brek-test yet?
Love when you hit publish! Thanks.
Posted by: Colleen | February 27, 2013 at 01:45 AM
This post was certainly worth the wait!
I enjoyed it tremendously.
Posted by: tgsdmom | February 27, 2013 at 02:39 AM
Cried laughing.
Posted by: Miranda | February 27, 2013 at 02:43 AM
A genuine laugh out loud moment! Just what I needed to cheer up a gloomy day.
Posted by: Kaje | February 27, 2013 at 05:37 AM
laugh out loud funny... thank you.
Posted by: tree town gal | February 27, 2013 at 05:38 AM
Love the arm story! I laughed so much that I had to read it to my teen and I couldn't make it through it without cracking up all over again. He also appreciated it.
Posted by: Katherine | February 27, 2013 at 06:45 AM
That is just too much! Love it.
Posted by: el-e-e | February 27, 2013 at 07:57 AM
Oh, Caroline is a hoot! I'm very fond of my rediculous group, but I can sympathize being married to "That Guy." My husband has strong feelings about the Age To Have Children. He managed to offend the parents of C1's playmate by suggesting having children beyond a certain age was irresponsible. (I believe a 64 year old actor had just died of cancer, leaving a 4 year old daughter.) I was mortified when we had dinner at his grad school prof's house and I mentioned my 50 year old father was retiring, and the prof replied that he was over 50 and had a 3 year old. Luckily, that time DH kept his mouth shut until the car ride home.
I love your posts!! The arm story was hilarious, as are Edward's excuses. My youngest used to sneak in our bedroom, so we started locking the door. Then, for a week or two, he would politely and persistently knock in the middle of the night. Now, if he wakes anyone up at night, he loses TV time the next day. I know, it punishes me, too. But I get to sleep in my bed all night!!
Posted by: Nicky | February 27, 2013 at 08:46 AM
I think Edward might end up as a lawyer. Or perhaps an excellent salesman.
I long ago surrendered: the combination of a husband that alternates between coming in late from hockey and then showering in our ensuite, and getting up at 5 am to get ready for work, added to the delight of my kids when I steal into their comfier-than-my bed means I wake up with the kids in one of their beds most mornings.
Truthfully, morning cuddles with my sleepy wee ones is one of the highlights of my day.
Posted by: Shawna | February 27, 2013 at 08:50 AM
So...any comments from Patrick about the Child's Guide to Imaginary New Zealand?
Posted by: Tine | February 27, 2013 at 08:58 AM
I adhere to multiple ridiculous, but not in religious terms. More importantly, WHY'RE THERE BOOKS ABOUT IMAGINARY PLACES? *executes perfect jazz hands*
You make me happy (you being collective, for the entirety of your family.)
Posted by: Arnebya | February 27, 2013 at 09:23 AM
I loved the arm story! I haven't laughed so hard at something I've read for a while...
Posted by: Channa | February 27, 2013 at 09:36 AM
Tee hee! Omigosh, what a lovely start to the day.
Posted by: Heidi | February 27, 2013 at 09:45 AM
I always look for a new blog post for you, because I know I'll be entertained!
I tried emailing you, but don't know if the email address was still current; is Patrick still collecting license plates, or has he moved on to greater things? We got new plates in Mississippi this year, so I have one I could send to a new home.
Posted by: Pam | February 27, 2013 at 10:30 AM
I'm in tears ovah here. Ha!
Posted by: Anne | February 27, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Laughing so hard at the arm story lmfao
Posted by: Amie | February 27, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Awesome.
Posted by: SarahB | February 27, 2013 at 11:57 AM
I *always* love your posts, Julia; but I don't always laugh out loud. Today? Definitely I laughed out loud!
Edward may turn out to be your smartest kid yet! He's certainly my favorite rightthisverymoment!
Posted by: Betsy | February 27, 2013 at 01:22 PM
I only found your blog a couple months ago via a link to a very old post (pre-twinks). I've been reading forward from that point for a few weeks now and thoroughly thorougly enjoying both your posts and the comments.
I'm up to where your twins are one, and it is SO cool to periodically skip over to your current entry and see how your kids' personalities from 4 years ago manifest themselves now. Edward is as careful as ever! Caroline still plows ahead - this time in her reading! Patrick has an even more awesome sense of humor!
My daughters, ages 7 and 12, were 13 months and 15 months when they joined my family, so I missed their early years. It was great to experience babyhood vicariously through C&E. I love how you capture the small 'insignificant' moments that cumulatively form a life.
>> I'm still sleeping ovuh here! << LMAO!
Posted by: BR | February 27, 2013 at 03:25 PM
Starting my day with such a wonderful post :) with a smile on my face
Posted by: UL | February 27, 2013 at 04:58 PM
Love it!
BTW, we put one of those doorknob thingies on our bedroom door so kiddo can't just come into our room.
Then we had to install a cat arch in the door so the cat could still sleep on our bed if the door were closed.
It's not perfect but it works more often than not.
Posted by: SusanOR | February 27, 2013 at 05:55 PM
As joy as always.
Posted by: winecat | February 27, 2013 at 06:18 PM
Um, make that a joy as always.
Posted by: winecat | February 27, 2013 at 06:19 PM
Oh! Pam reminds me I could also send a MS plate if you are still wanting some.
Posted by: Robyn | February 27, 2013 at 07:39 PM
So freaking cute. My almost 4 yr old's reason for coming to our bed: "I wanted to sleep with someone real."
Posted by: Olivia | February 27, 2013 at 07:44 PM
Oh, I can identify, from the husband who badgers people about their Ridiculousness to being crowded out of my own bed, but in my case it's a 75-pound dog, not a child. But mostly I just love the way you tell it.
Posted by: Denise | February 28, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Speaking of Jazz Hands... Brian Switek (@Laelaps) tweeted at 1:11am - 1 Mar 13:
Caution: Icy conditions cause jazz hands (seen today Zion National Park) http://t.co/B2Nt1CNhN8 (https://twitter.com/Laelaps/status/307372396359335936)
Posted by: Karyn | March 01, 2013 at 05:54 AM
I tried to comment the other day from my phone, but it didn't take. Essentially - I have done that thing with the arm. Really freaked my husband and me out.
Also, your ad right now is for Wasteland, which I guess is a clothing store. It looks like someone took Anthropologie, Urban Outfitters and combined it with the punk rock movement. Somehow, not what I imagine you wearing....
Posted by: lizneust | March 01, 2013 at 08:41 AM
Love it! I do belong to a ridiculous group, still love it! And the arm... too funny.
Posted by: Terri C | March 01, 2013 at 03:13 PM
Why is it I can see my Kitty using the X box excuse in years to come! Edward has wonderful ingenuity in his justifications; perhaps there is a future in politics for him!
Posted by: Carie | March 01, 2013 at 04:19 PM
You are the greatest. And so are your children. I love reading this blog which makes me feel that there are mothers out there thinking, laughing and still making puns to their children, whether they get it or not.
This really is the most beautifully written blog. I'm so glad that you blog so much - sometimes it just saves my life. Or if not my life, gives me a kind of literary siesta from whatever is here, in front of me right now.
Posted by: Bridgette | March 01, 2013 at 05:51 PM
Love this. Thank you.
Posted by: Alison | March 03, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Thank you for sharing stories about your disturbed sleep and numb arm in a way that brings joy! I hope that your circulation is now back :-) And I too am part of a ridiculous group but still laughed.
Posted by: Katherine who still insists that she is from New Zealand | March 03, 2013 at 09:22 PM
I love it! I imagine that Edward is going to start bringing an eyeshade and earplugs.
Posted by: Erica | March 04, 2013 at 05:30 PM
Best.Post.Ever.
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Posted by: Jeclochewly | March 09, 2013 at 01:36 AM
Hmm ... not sure about being the next comment after 'ole Jeclochewly, but here' goes nothin'.
So, everything after "Steve has vowed that one of his new conversational gambits will be to ask people if they adhere to any particular ridiculous" is absolutely, thigh-slappingly hysterical!
Favs? "Where am I?" and the image of you beating the crap out of Steve's arm.
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